Blog: Make Change Fun And Easy

How To Encourage Change And Growth In Your Partner. With Jeanell Greene

How To Encourage Change And Growth In Your Partner.

July 12, 202442 min read

How To Encourage Change And Growth In Your Partner.
With Jeanell Greene & Samia Bano

Struggling to help your partner create #positivechange in their life?

Want to #createchange in your life or career and need your partner to change along with you?

Jeanell Greene, #MarriageCoach, is on a mission to help save marriages from divorce and trauma! In this interview, Jeanell shares how you can encourage #changeandgrowth in your partner without resorting to blame or shame!

Listen and learn how to #CommunicateEffectively with your partner, emphasizing the importance of #mutualsupport and #positivereinforcement to help each other navigate and #embracechange with love and understanding.

Learn more and connect with Jeanell at: www.jeanellgreene.com

To Book your Free HAPPINESS 101 EXPLORATION CALL with Samia, click: https://my.timetrade.com/book/JX9XJ

#changecanbegood #createpositivechange #changewithlove #healthyrelationships #healthyrelationshiptips #relationshipadvice #healthyrelationshipsmatter #SupportivePartners #loveandrelationships

Here's the audio version of this episode:

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Full Video Transcript

SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, Privet, Mabuhay, and Dzień Dobry! I'm so happy and looking forward to our conversation today because we have a very special guest, and that is Jeanell Greene. So Jeanell is a marriage coach. Welcome, Jeanell…

JEANELL: Hi... Thank you for having me.

SAMIA: Yes, I'm so happy to have you. Please, Jeanell, tell us more about who you are and what you do.

JEANELL: Okay. Well, I am Jeanell. I am from Vancouver, Canada, and I have been happily married for 18 years. And I have made it my mission in my life to bring love and healing to the world. I think we are in a very troubling and concerning time as we're all trying to deal with life and stress and children and bills and keeping relationships connected... And I think that there is a huge need for education, for support, for compassion, for healing, for forgiveness… And it all starts with us. It starts with us healing whatever we need to heal so that we don't get triggered. Because when we love ourselves, when we respect ourselves, it doesn't matter what anyone does or says. We never lose sight of who we truly are, in the face of God, in the face of our partners. And we can listen with more compassion and curiosity, rather than a place of fear and feeling so alone. You know, I think that's the one thing that I really understand about people. You know, when I first became a relationship coach, marriage coach, you know, I thought I needed to know everything there was about relationships, and there's a lot. And what I discovered really quickly is that we have a few… several things in common. Number one, we're all wounded souls, and we go around trying to find things that fill that hole… when really we are at the source of our own happiness and our own peace. But we put it on other people, like our spouse or our children or our job or money, to make us feel happy. And then we get there and we realize, oh, that's not it. We spend all this time and effort and… to realize that you get to the top of the mountain, you're still alone. And I think at the end of the day, you know, we all are motivated by fear more than we are motivated by love. And so we do things… We do things because we are afraid to be judged, afraid to look bad, afraid to fail, afraid to be alone, afraid that we're not good enough. And so living inside of that, not enough… we can never find joy and peace and abundance from that place of lack. But we are so conditioned to think that way… and including myself… And so this is why the work that I do, A, I gotta do that every day, and B, we have to learn to be okay with being uncomfortable, with changing, with failing even…

SAMIA: Yes…

JEANELL: So, yeah, that's a little bit about me…

SAMIA: Oh, gosh. Just in sharing a little bit about you, you raised so many amazing and interesting insights and, like, things that we can dig into. You know, just earlier today, I was having a conversation with somebody about fear… because as I was sharing with them, more and more in my work and in my own life, I have come to realize that fear is really at the base of pretty much most of the issues that we have. Even if you think it's something else, you dig a little deeper and underling that there's a fear…

JEANELL: …a 100%.

SAMIA: So there's that. And then what you said about feeling alone even at the top of the mountain... Ah, yes, yes... I mean, that has also been, like, a huge challenge in my own life. And I know that a lot of people in our community of changeMakers, that is our audience, they struggle with because, you know, change-making can be a hard process, and it can feel very lonely also… whether you're trying to change your life, your own life, or whether you're trying to change the world… So, my gosh…

JEANELL: We could talk about this, I'm sure, for days and days about change, because I think that we all know that we need to change in order to have what we want in our life. But change is outside of our comfort zone. Change requires us to go beyond what we think we know. Change is at risk… putting ourselves at risk of failure.

And for some reason, we have been taught at a very young age to avoid failure. But in order to become extraordinary at anything, like, if we think about the greatest minds in the world, they didn't just wake up one day and were the greatest minds. They had to fail and fail and fail and fail and fail to become the people that they are. And, you know, when we look on the outside, we're like, oh, look at Oprah. She has it so easy. Oh, look at all these amazing people. How do I get there? And we don't… What they don't share is, a lot of times is the hardship and the struggle and the pain and the blood and the sweat and the tears in order to get to where they are now.

SAMIA: And the thing is that even when they do share something of the struggle that they have had, we tend to ignore it. We tend not to pay as much attention to that because, like, for example, I know you mentioned Oprah, and I know I've heard Oprah talk about… she survived sexual assault. She's dealt with poverty. She has health challenges that she has struggled with, you know. So, I mean, and even now, you know, I think in one of the last interviews I was listening to from her, she was talking about how after she made the transition from being the tv personality in terms of hosting that show that she had been hosting for so long, and, you know, it was popular, and that made her famous and all of that. But then when she decided to do something different and she decided to start her own tv channel, she was talking about how that presented this, like, whole new set of challenges and pushed her in ways that were very new for her. And even though she was already so rich and influential, what she was trying to do required significantly more money, significantly more resources, and required her to up-level her game in terms of her ability to deal with her own anxieties and fears, et cetera, even more... I mean, as good as she already was, you know, because she wasn't satisfied with the status quo, she didn't want to just settle for things as just staying where she was. She wanted to grow. So then, even then, she had to go through growing pains, you know?

JEANELL: Yeah, yeah, I... Before I actually became a coach, I worked in sales. I worked in corporate sales for almost 20 years. And, you know, I got to the point where I got to the top of the mountain, and I worked my butt off. I worked, you know, 13 hours days, six days a week. I was in the office till 10:00 at night. I would even bring my husband with me just to keep me company. And my top of the mountain was a free trip. So top 1% of the company, they would pay you to go on what's called the top producers trip, where you get… You get showered with acknowledgement and recognition, and, you know, they put you up in a really fancy hotel, and it's open bar… like, the works. Okay? So my first trip I won was Bermuda, and I got to go jet skiing in the Bermuda triangle. And my second president's club trip was Rome. And one of their opening night, you have this big party, and the opening night, you get to this amazing... they pick you up in this... in this little minibus. They take you to this villa at the top of this mountain in Rome. And when you get there, there's 20 people standing in a line, like a... like a courtyard. And they have… you know, when you see that in the movies?

SAMIA: Yeah.

JEANELL: ...they have, like, the little horn with the costume… they're, like, to-tu-to-do, presenting…. They had that... It was so crazy. And when I came home from Rome, I was like, wow, I did it. I did it. I got to the top of the mountain, but then it was like, okay, now what? It's over. Now what? What's the next mountain? And I realized that there were no more mountains for me to climb. Or I didn't want to climb another mountain. I'm like, been there, done that. I proved to myself I can do it. And I started to really think about what was next for me? And I could feel my soul… And this was around the time I was turning 40, and I could feel my soul starting to get really restless.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JEANELL: And I knew there was something, like, I could feel, like, intuitively that I meant to do something else. And so I just started to feel, like, bored, first of all. And kind of this thought of, like, okay, I'm actually… this job, as great as I am at it, is not who I am... And what if I could create a life, a career that was authentically me? What would that even look like? And so I really started to think about, okay, if this job that I have, I feel like I use 5% of my brain… What would a job look like that I use 100% of my gifts, my experience, my personality... And so I actually hired a life coach to help me kind of figure out if I want to be… let's say I was going to be reborn. What is that dream life that I would want to have? And from that, I discovered that I wanted to coach people in relationships because I had had so much experience with being divorced and now being married to my dream man and so many people asking me for advice about it, I thought, you know what? I would love to talk about love all day, all night, transformation, healing... And, you know, I had also recently had taken a seminar called the landmark forum, where I got clear, oh, the reason why my life was not going the way I wanted it to go was because I hadn't healed my childhood trauma from when I was nine years old, when my dad cheated on my mom with her best friend and got her pregnant and then left. And my mom was a single mom for three years, and I'm a daddy's girl. And so I saw in doing this work, and why I'm so passionate about the work I do now, is that I saw that that little nine-year-old created three beliefs that day when her dad left, and it was that she's unlovable. She can't trust anybody and that everybody she loves will eventually leave... So my life, you know, was when I did the seminar and I looked back at my life like, oh, that's why that happened. And that's why I dated that guy, and that's why I attracted toxic men into my life, because subconsciously, I believe that I don't… I'm not worthy of a great relationship. And so I would only date men that I knew that would hurt me and leave, because that's what I told myself, subconsciously.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

JEANELL: So that was when my healing started. So I've gone through this very extensive journey of healing all those things, especially… Also, I've been sexually abused. I've been emotionally abused. I had, like, I've been through... I was bullied as a child. So there's a lot of things that I had to unpack. So now that I've gotten on the other side of it and I've created this life for myself, now I work with other people who say… please show me what you did. How do I do this? But, yeah, like, it was such a huge shift from corporate, having a steady paycheck, doing something I could do with my eyes closed, to creating something from nothing, building it just from my gut and my intuition and my passion… not knowing if it was going to even work, and then thinking, oh, yeah, this can't be that hard. And realizing, like, whoa, this is really hard. Even with all my skillset, it was still… you know, I thought, oh, I'll just put up my website and then magically people will just call me… no, no, no... That's not how it works. And so I really… Every day, there was. I probably tried to quit, like a million times in the last five years, but I was so clear about what God wants me to do with my life, and I am so, so clear about that, that even when I... my fear takes over and says, Jeanell, just go get a job. Just, who cares? Just put your… It's too hard. Just do something easy where you don't have to think, you don't have to cry, you don't have to fail. But then the spirit comes back to me, says, no, Jeanell, like, this is your job. And it's not... It's not going to be an easy job. But I just keep standing, keep standing. And I have seen a lot of success, but it's not easy. And I have to really, you know, I say that entrepreneurship is the greatest personal development course ever.

SAMIA: I agree with you. I agree with you because there's so much… like, for people like you and me, for that matter, we didn't get any training for being entrepreneurs, how to run our own business, not when we were in school, not when we were in college, not when, you know, when you were at your corporate job. Like, they don't teach you how to do your own thing in terms of, like, running a business or whatever.  There, you just learn to be an employee, and that's a very, very different game to play, you know? So it's a huge learning curve when you make the shift. And I'm so happy that, you know, you did make the shift because it makes you more happy.

JEANELL: I'm so much... I am so much happier because, yeah, talking about software, I mean… I'm a very passionate person. And so I think I do well in sales, no matter what it is, I do as long as I believe in it. But I just got to the point where I was just burning out and for what, right? For what? And then, yeah, sure, my bank account was great, and I could have nice things, but my soul was crying, crying to do something that was so heart-centered and something that was me. And I felt like I had to put on a mask and a uniform and pretend to be somebody else I wasn't, for the longest time, until I realized, like, no, I want to take off the mask. I want to take off the uniform. But then there I was feeling so naked and feeling like, you know, I felt like I was going through a bit of a midlife crisis. Cause I'm like, who am I? I don't even know who that is anymore because I've been playing this role for so long. So now that I don't want to play the role, oh, crap. Like, how do I reinvent myself? And that really was it, was I had to reinvent myself. And luckily, I have a husband who is just the most supportive, most loving… He is my cheerleader, and he always tells me, he goes, Jeanell, there's nothing you could do that would not make me proud of you. And he encourages me to take care of myself, to go and rest, and self-care, and he has just been my greatest cheerleader. And so we have become a really strong team.

SAMIA: That's amazing. That's amazing. You know, when you were sharing about how you went through this challenging transition, I was… actually, one of the questions that came to my mind was, well, what was going on in terms of your relationship? Like, because I know that oftentimes in relationships when one partner is trying to create a change in their lives, the other partner, how they're there for you or not, makes a huge difference, not only in terms of if you are or not able to achieve your goals, to create the change that you want, but also how hard it is or how easy it is. And absolutely, it has a huge impact on the quality of the relationship. And I even know relationships that don't survive when, you know, the couple is not able to figure out how to come back on the same page sometimes or, you know… because it's like if you're, if you've been together and, you know, you have built a life together and you were functioning in a certain way and you got used to things that way, and then suddenly your partner wants to create this big change in their life, you know, and then if you cannot get back on the same page with each other about how you're going to be together and support each other, I mean, it can literally break up the relationship…

JEANELL: 100%. A 100%... Or sabotage the business.

SAMIA: Yes, yes.

JEANELL: And so I actually discovered something really recently, and what I saw …two things... I saw that I have a story, and it was because m y dad, going back to my dad… my dad had three jobs, worked six days a week, 18 hours a day, and then he got sick, and he died. And so I saw recently that my subconscious made it mean that working hard equals sick, equals death. Well, there's this fear of my business taking off because it's like, well, what's gonna happen to me? Am I gonna get sick? And, you know, da da... And then the other thing I saw was, I have a story that if I'm too successful, it will have a negative impact on my marriage. Like, as though the money or the recognition or the schedule, the busyness, is going to get in the way of our marriage. And so I actually brought this up to my husband last week, and I told him, I said, this is what I saw... And he said to me, honey, he's like, I have been through so much with you. You work more… you worked more before when you were in corporate than you do now. And at least now you work from home. Before you were, like, gone all day long. And so he says, you know, and I know that you're doing this for us, so I want you to know that whatever it is that you're worried about, you don't have to worry about me... You know, and I knew that. But of course, there's, again, talking about fear, right? It's like, well, who am I going to become? And I think, you know, this is an interesting comment that a lot of my clients make, is they want to change, but they're almost scared of  who they're going to become. Because they go, why? If I don't like who I become? Even though we're at the control, we're at the control panel, like, we're creating this, and yet we're afraid that it's going to turn us into something that we don't like or know. And so I think that's a very common… I've heard that more than once, and now I'm seeing that for myself in my own life, that I'm like, well, if I make half a million dollars a year, what does that mean for my marriage? What does that mean for my personality? Am I going to become a different person? Am I going to become selfish? Am I going to become materialistic? Right? Like, there's all this fear, and it's like, where is this coming from? So it's just always… and that's why it's so important to do the work every single day, to unpack that.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. And I mean, you know, the thing is that the fears that we have, they're not baseless. So I'm never one to advocate to suppress any of our feelings or ignore them, but rather to be like, okay, okay, what's the feedback that you're trying to give me here? What are you trying to save me from? Because fear is usually coming out when we're, you know, there's… We perceive some risk or danger to something that keeps us safe. I mean, it's, you know... And so if you are thinking, like, if I have a fear of, okay, if I become really rich and then I become selfish and proud because I get consumed…

JEANELL: Yeah.

SAMIA: …by you know, too busy, or I become proud of, oh, I have so much money, and now I think I'm better… I'm really, what I'm afraid of is losing my relationships…

JEANELL: Yes... What are my friends gonna think of me? You know, are they gonna still want to be friends with me? Are they gonna use me? Are they gonna be jealous of me? Yeah…

SAMIA: Yes. Right? And so, because our relationships are so important to us, it's a very, very valid fear. But the thing is that if I have an awareness of what the fear is, then I can absolutely take action to make sure that those things don't happen. I don't have to become proud. I don't have to become distant or selfish or think I'm better than other people.

JEANELL: Yes. Well, I think the other piece of that, that is, you know, really important is we have to create a new context. So, you know, once, yeah, we see that, okay, this is not true. But then it's like, okay, so what can I tell myself that is the opposite of that? Because if we don't replace the thought with something else, that old thought is going to keep coming back. But you know, seeing it is one thing and then having to replace it with something else is the next step in order to do that, right. So it might sound like, you know, money always finds me… I am, you know, I… it's coming. Everything is going to be okay. Rather than this, like, what if, what if, what if worst case scenario, doom, doom, doom, fail, fail, fail. Like we have to really, because then it shifts our energy and once it shifts our energy, now we're going to take different actions.

SAMIA: Yes, yes, that's very true. And just in the context of also having positive thoughts that support our vision and goal… I know, like, for me, the fear of, okay, if my business grows really big and I become really successful in the business… like for me, because I'm a caregiver also for my brother, for my mom, my dad. And, you know, as my mom and dad have been aging, that's becoming more and more of an issue. Whereas even up to ten years ago, you know, it wasn't as much of an issue. But even then I was caregiving for my brother who has a severe disability. And before that I was helping take care of my grandmother and my other grandmother… you know, so I've always been caregiving and so it's always been really important for me to make sure I have enough time, whatever I'm doing, that I can continue to care-give for my family as well. And so, you know, when the fear came up of, oh, what if I don't have time anymore? So then, you know, I was like, okay, no, you know what? I'm going to consciously design my business in a way that that will not become an issue. And so I've had to actually make choices and designed my business in a way where, you know, I... So, for example, I refuse… I refuse to do a lot of traveling because that is a lot of time away that I… from my family, you know… And so, like, you know, if I can connect virtually and do presentations or attend a conference for myself, if it virtually or close by, I'm happy to do that. But if I have to travel, if I have to be away from home for several days, that's just not going to happen. And if that means that there are certain opportunities that I have to say no to, that's absolutely fine. You know, I have an abundance mindset. I believe that there's lots of opportunities… with whatever strategy I choose, there will be lots of opportunities. There are lots of opportunities. And so to say no to an opportunity that requires me to do something that ultimately would conflict with my other values and other needs, it's okay... it's absolutely fine. And it does not cause me any anxiety anymore because, you know, I'm recognizing why I'm making that choice and having an abundance mindset around it.

JEANELL: Yeah.

SAMIA: Cool... So, but back to you and your husband and relationships and creating change in the relationship, or one person in the relationship trying to create change... So tell me more about how your husband supported you… or if you're working with one of your clients, what you would share with them about how they can best support their partner if they're making a big change in their life.

JEANELL: Yeah. I think one of the biggest objections or complaints that I hear, especially from women, is that he said he's going to change. He said things are going to change and they haven't changed. So what's the point? And we get… we become resigned and cynical and we start to make up stories that they haven't changed because they don't care… or that they lied, that they want to change and they actually don't want to change. I want people to get that, that's not true necessarily. And it's actually, in my opinion, it's not that we don't want to change. It's because we don't know how to change… because we only know what we know, right? If you said to me, okay, Jeanell, go and lose 40 pounds and go to the gym every day and develop your legs... I only know the workouts that I know, and I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and I'm going to go, okay, how come I haven't gotten new results? It's because I'm not doing a different workout. And I think a lot of times, again, back to what we talked about in the first five minutes, change is outside of what we know, and change is uncomfortable. So that's why I think coaching is so valuable, because you have someone who is there who's going to say, go do this thing that you've never done before.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JEANELL: Right? Go… like, personal trainers. Go do this workout that you've never tried before. And then you go, oh, I didn't even know about this workout. Now that I know it, I know now how to develop my legs, right? And so I want people who are listening to this, who feel frustrated, like, oh, people don't change. It's not necessarily they don't want to. They just don't know how, and they're afraid to change, just like we were talking about earlier. So I think what we need to do, if we want a behavior to change, we actually have to reinforce it. Just like if you have children, right, if you want your children to clean their room, for example. And when they clean their room, you're like, what? Everybody makes such a big deal about it. Guess what? They're going to probably want to clean their room more often, right? And I think it's same thing with partners. So my husband, when I first met him, my husband was overweight his entire life, since he was, like, five. And when we got married, he was close to 300 pounds, and he's, like, six foot one, so he's... I wouldn't call him fat, but he was, you know, a bigger boy. And I would, I was going to the gym regularly, and I would try to encourage him, like, come with me. And he's like, oh, maybe someday, you know, whatever... Anyway, he finally comes to the gym with me, and we get home, and he's wearing, you know, a sleeveless shirt. And I could see his arm was starting to, like, show definition. And so I pointed it out to him, and I said, honey, your arm looks really toned. He's like, oh, really? I said, yeah, it's really sexy. He's like, oh, cool... Okay, maybe I should start working out. And he lost 100 pounds, and he goes to the gym five days a week for 60 to 90 minutes. He sends me pictures. He would kill me if he knew this… but he sends me pictures of himself at the gym flexing. And if I don't respond or send an emoji, he will tell me... He's like, honey, did you see my photo? Because you didn't like it. I was like, oh, honey, I did see, I just didn't have time to acknowledge it. But I get that that's his motivation, is he wants to be acknowledged, and he knows that when he looks good, Jeanell is a little bit more interested in him sexually. So he… and his love language is physical touch. So he's like, oh, me going to gym equals Jeanell touching me more...  So now that is his motivation. So we can use that context into anything we want. So I'm, you know, my love language is service. I love it when my husband makes dinner, makes coffee… and he knows that about me. And so, you know, we have… We've been together for 18 years, and we've never had an official conversation that he's supposed to make coffee. But he gets up first before me, and he makes coffee. And every single morning, every single morning, I say… baby, thank you for making me coffee. I appreciate it. I don't have to worry about it. It's there, and I love you... And guess what? He's done it every single day for 18 years. But if I never said anything about it, chances are he would probably stop doing it. But I know, as humans, we want to be loved. We want to be appreciated. And it doesn't take a lot. It doesn't take a lot of effort for me. And guess what? When I give to him, he gives to me. And our marriage is so easy… and we build trust, and we create safety, and we just feel so intimately connected that we can have any difficult conversation and not worry about the state of our relationship. And we've had to have some really hard conversations. But our love and our connection and our trust within each other is so strong, and it's those daily things. And I think the problem is, when we're not self aware, if we don't love ourselves, we will become critical of everything else in our life. And then... So we get into this habit… All we do is criticize, judge, tell people that they're doing it wrong or it's not good enough. And then so men will stop doing those things. And I think, too, as women, we want to be, quote-unquote, independent, but yet we still want a hero. And so then men get really confused. It's like, okay, do you want me to help you, or do you want to do it yourself? And so we almost train our husbands to not want to help us… because we have it like we got it all. So I, you know, I consciously allow my husband to be the man, even though I could do it myself. Sure. But I know he loves doing… being the hero. And then me going, oh, honey, thank you. Thank you for making me dinner. Thank you for getting me that chocolate bar, because you knew I was having a bad day. Thank you. And he just feels so loved, and it pays itself tenfold. And so I think that that's one of the secrets to our joyful, loving, playful, friendship slash marriage.

SAMIA: Yeah. I love the examples that you just shared, Jeanell… you reminded me of a few things... One, the idea that definitely positive reinforcement of what we do want… to acknowledge it. It's just such a simple thing to just acknowledge, to say thank you as a way to positively reinforce… And the memory triggered in my mind is, like, with my mom, even now she does it… But especially when we were kids, she would be like, anytime we did something, you know, that she wanted to encourage us to do more of, she would give us extra kisses. Now, interesting that I was actually thinking about it the other day where I was like, you know, on the one hand, you don't want to, like, bribe somebody to do something that they should be doing anyway, in terms of, you know, if it's, like, something they should be responsible for and so forth. You don't want to bribe them to do it, because if you then take away the bribe, then the behavior goes away, too. And there's actually research about it. So the thing that I realized was so brilliant about what my mom did was, number one, the kisses... It wasn't like, it wasn't like a material bribe. Like, wasn't money or something. But the other thing was that she was always giving us kisses, you know… and so it wasn't like something that I felt that if I didn't do this, I wouldn't get kisses. No, I would get kisses anyway and be loved in lots of other ways as well. But it's just that if I did do something, she'd give me an extra kiss or maybe just acknowledge with the kiss that this kiss was because she was particularly pleased about my having done that. And so on the one hand, I got positive reinforcement and encouragement, and on the other hand, it didn't feel like I was being conditionally loved because she was loving me all the time anyway.

JEANELL: Ah, yeah... Well, it gets, it gets dangerous, though, is when we use fear in the same way to control. And then, you know, a lot of parents, right, like, when you do something good, they love you. When you do something bad, they make you feel like crap. And so many of us, we become people pleasers, and we just do it because we we’re afraid to be, again, alone. Yes. And at the end of the day, we're all motivated by love and appreciation. But it can be really easily manipulated. And so this is the same thing with our spouses. Like, a lot of men complain... It's like, okay, when my wife is mad at me, she won't have sex with me. She uses sex as a bargaining chip, and it's not fair, right? But at the same time, on women's side, it's like, well, I don't do anything with you when I'm not happy with you, so why would I want to do that with you, right. So it's can get really hard, like you were saying, but I love what you said about your mom because I feel like that's me and my husband, right? I'll say, you know what? You're amazing. And he's like, why? What did I do? And I said, nothing. Nothing at all. You are just an incredible human being. And I'm so lucky to have you as my husband. And he just... I could see his face. He's just like, he loves it because he didn't get that in his childhood. So it's just… Yeah, it's so sweet and I love it... And it's easy. That's the thing. Marriage does not have to be hard. But you gotta have to have two people who are willing to take ownership for their own stuff and also have enough respect for each other to know that, guess what? We're not perfect. And we need to have space for each other's humanity. Like, my husband... The one thing my husband has really taught me is this no-blame thing. So there's been times when I've done really dumb things, like I've broken things or he asked me to do something and I totally forgot. But he never gets upset with me. It's just like, "It's okay, honey. No problem." And same thing with him... He'll be like, "Oh, my gosh. I totally forgot. Honey, I'm so sorry. It's like, honey, it's okay. I got it. You forgot. You didn't mean anything by it", right?
But it's when we start to almost, like, see each other as almost like criminals, like, we're intentionally doing that, that's when we start to pull away from love…

SAMIA: Right, right. No, this is such an important point that you're raising to have a non judgmental mindset. Like, a mindset where we're not blaming, shaming each other.

Because really, if you think about it, that is... I mean, my gosh… if you think about any relationship, if it's going to be healthy… a healthy relationship, really, what ruins the health of a relationship is blaming, shaming, judging, you know? I mean, because when you… if you think someone is bad or they've done something bad, like you have that judgment in your mind, then of course you're going to respond in a way… like, how can you be happy about something bad? How can you be happy with someone that you think is bad? You know... And so as long as we have these judgments and, you know, and it's from... It's such a short step from judging someone or something that they've done as bad to then, you know, blaming and shaming. I mean, those are just such fine lines that we don't often even realize when we go from having made the judgment to then actually blaming and shaming around it. But truly… and I mean, how can you even begin to practice, let's say, forgiveness…

JEANELL: Yeah.

SAMIA: …as long as you are blaming and shaming and judging, you know… even to practice forgiveness, you have to let that go. So…

JEANELL: Yeah, exactly. And then the other piece is, if the person who's listening has self-love issues, like they don't love themselves, they have this filter that they hear everything through called “I'm not enough”.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JEANELL: …so you need two people who are conscious about what's going on because, you know… I've met those kind of people where I'm giving them constructive feedback and all they can hear from me is, "Oh, so you say I'm the problem?" I'm like, that's not what I said at all... But that's all they can hear because they are… right...  They have in a wound that's so open. And so I think sometimes, no matter what you do, if the other person hasn't dealt with their stuff, it's always going to keep getting caught in that filter, until the filter has been removed or cleaned. So that's why it's important to do… for both people to do the work, both spiritually, with their connection with God, but also with their own subconscious mind and their own past and their inner child stuff. You know, all that work is required. And I'm, I'm so happy to see men becoming more and more willing to do the work, to put their hand up to say, yes, I realize that I have some blocks that I need to deal with… where before every man I spoke to, they were like, no, it's not that bad. No, it's not that bad. Meanwhile, the whole house is on fire. You know…

SAMIA: It's true. I think people in general… not just… I agree with you… More men are becoming open... And I think even people in general, I've noticed... I don't know if it's just, you know, the company that I keep because of the work that I do. But I really think, though, that it's not just that. I think there really is this, like, shift happening in the world, in the… sort of, like, way things are, where we just as a society, just went too far in one direction in terms of, you know, chasing a certain definition of success, where, you know, you compromised your health, you compromised your relationships, and this and that and everything for the sake of, you know, making more money so you could, you know, have that kind of success. And we just went way too far in that direction. And people have been, like, really suffering because of that. And now, you know, as more and more people have dealt with that… and we just reached a point where, you know, society as a whole was like, okay, it's too much, too much. We need to do some correction. And so, you know, there's this movement now in the other direction where there's more and more awareness…. first of all of that, you know, this is a problem. This kind of blindly chasing success as defined by making more and more money. You know, that's a problem. And we need to have more balance in our lives. We can't ignore our health, we can't ignore our relationships, etcetera... And so with that raise in awareness, there's also more willingness to look into, okay, what can we do to correct things and to create better balance in our lives, you know. And definitely, especially since COVID started, I think for a lot of people, that opportunity to create change got opened up even more and accelerated even more. And so a lot of people have been more willing and more open. I know several of my closest family members who work in corporate jobs and so forth, making six figure incomes… And then Covid hit, and then they had to, like, basically stop going to the office, start working from home, and it changed their lives. And now it's like the offices are literally begging their people to come back.

JEANELL: Yeah.

SAMIA: And a lot of people are resisting, and they're like, no, you know what? We have tasted a different way of doing things, and we refuse to go back to things the way they were. We want some things to be changed and different and stay different so that they're better.

JEANELL: Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And I'm excited, and I'm... It's funny because I've seen a shift from mostly women coming to me to now mostly men coming to me. And when I look at my Google reviews, I mean, they're a mix, but when I read the men's Google reviews… I read the women's. Yeah, it's really strong. And then when I read the men's and they're really long and they give me goosebumps, and it just gives me so much hope. And I'm excited because when, when men become conscious to what they've been unconscious to about… and not just men, but, I mean, women's kind of always been ahead of that, you know, but I think for men, they, they're just starting to catch up. And now that their eyes are being opened, they can become more better fathers, better husbands, better leaders, better... They get to really redefine what masculinity is distinct from what they were taught as children and what was drilled into their head that men don't have emotions and all this toxic, you know, stuff… Yeah. I'm really... I'm feeling really inspired and hopeful for the future.

SAMIA: Yes, yes...

JEANELL: And we still have a lot of work to do…

SAMIA: True, true, true. No, I appreciate what you're sharing about how things are changing for the men also, because this is a struggle that I see in my community. Now, when I say my community, I'm talking about my Indian-Pakistani, and Muslim community, especially the more traditional parts of our community, because, you know, in so far as... You know, like, in our Indian-Pakistani traditional culture, there have been very strong delineations between, okay, this is the men's role and this is the women's role. And so it, you know, it makes it difficult to create change if you want to have a different kind of relationship, for example… and you don't want to follow the traditional formula of how husband and wife are together because, you know, it's not just that times are changing, but that we… living, especially here in America, we're in such a different context. You know, I mean, things are changing back in India and Pakistan also. But for my family, for example, we are in a very, very different context here in America. And there's a lot of differences because of which things that worked perfectly fine back when we were in India and Pakistan, they become dysfunctional over here. You know, I mean, one example would be, like, in terms of the role of men and women… like, my mom, it was either, like, okay, either you don't work. I mean, work for money, because, you know, that's the husband's job. And even if you do work, then you have… there are certain acceptable things that you can do that you can... Mostly it's like, okay, what can you do from home? And maybe of some things you could do outside, but very restricted. So, you know… but when we were there, she had the support structure and so forth that allowed her to work within those constraints. But here, we don't have that same support structure. So even if she wanted to continue to do those things, she wouldn't be able to hear, you know? And so then you have to think about change. Yeah... Oh, Janelle, I just lost your voice.

JEANELL: Oh, sorry. I was just saying. Yeah. And again, change is hard, right. When you've been… You grew up a certain way, you have certain expectations, and all of a sudden, everything's changed. Even though you know you need to change, it is... You know, a lot of us are very stubborn, right. And it's especially coming from the old school or just been drilled that this is how life should be. And now you come to a different country with a total different culture. Now your eyes are opened and you're like, okay, well, we need to change. And maybe the other person's like, but I don't want change. But we have to change... So.

SAMIA: Yeah, so help each other change. And do it with love and positive reinforcement. Jeanell, I'm having so much fun talking with you. We could talk for days, but I know you have to go, and I also need to wrap up. So, any last words, thoughts from you?

JEANELL: Choose courage over comfort, because it takes something to really bust through what we feel comfortable in, even though we know it's not. Because sometimes we think it's comfortable, but it's actually not comfortable. But sometimes, you know, change... Sometimes we have to wait till it's so uncomfortable to be comfortable, then we change... And I encourage people to really have the confidence and the courage to get uncomfortable so that you can grow and actually be happy.

SAMIA: I love it. I love it... And for my last words, I will just remind our audience to please check the show notes because we will drop Jeanell's links in there so you can connect with her and continue to learn with her and get more help and support whenever you feel ready for it. So until we connect next time, I wish you lots and lots of peace and joy... :)

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Samia Bano, Happiness Expert

Samia Bano is the #HappinessExpert, author, speaker, podcaster & coach for coaches and healers. Samia is most known for her book, 'Make Change Fun and Easy' and her #podcast of the same name. With the help of her signature Follow Your Heart Process™, a unique combination of #PositivePsychology and the spiritual wisdom of our most effective #ChangeMakers, Samia helps you overcome #LimitingBeliefs, your chains of fear, to develop a #PositiveMindset and create the impact and income you desire with fun and ease… Samia’s advanced signature programs include the Happiness 101 Class and the Transformative Action Training. Samia is also a Certified #ReikiHealer and Crisis Counselor working to promote #MentalHealthAwareness. Samia models #HeartCenteredLeadership and business that is both #SociallyResponsible and #EnvironmentallyFriendly. Samia is a practicing #Muslim with an inter-spiritual approach. As someone who has a love and appreciation for diversity, she is a #BridgeBuilder between people of different faiths and cultures. Although Samia currently lives in California, USA, she has lived in 3 other countries and speaks Hindi, Urdu, and English fluently.

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