Blog: Make Change Fun And Easy
Now What? Embracing Life’s Changes in Midlife...
With Melissa Murphy & Samia Bano
Dealing with major #lifetransitions or #midlifecrisis?
Listen now to this interview with Melissa Murphy, Nutrition and Fitness Coach and host of the #NowWhatPodcast", to discover how you can navigate the twists and turns of your #MidLifeJourney with confidence and curiosity.
Whether it’s an #emptynest, a #careerpivot, or you're seeking to #ReinventYourself in other ways, we’ll unpack the questions, fears, and opportunities that come with midlife transitions.
Get the practical advice and inspiration you need to embrace life’s surprises with humor, resilience, and love. :)
Learn more and connect with Melissa now at:
https://motivatewithmelis.com/
https://www.instagram.com/motivatewithmelis/
To Book your Free HAPPINESS 101 EXPLORATION CALL with Samia, click: https://my.timetrade.com/book/JX9XJ
#MotivateWithMelissa #midlifeawakening #midlifewellness #midlifemagic #EmbracingChange #MidlifeMotivation #PodcastLife #MidlifeConversations #PodcastForChange #ParentingChallenges #LettingGo #ParentingTeens #EmptyNestSyndrome #ParentingInMidlife #SelfDiscoveryJourney #PersonalGrowth #GrowthMindset #FindingPurpose #SelfReflection
Here's the audio version of this episode:
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Full Video Transcript
SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, Privet, Mabuhay and Dzień Dobry! It's really, really good to be with you again and I know you'll be so happy you've joined us today because we have a very cool guest with us and it's Melissa Murphy who is a Nutrition and Fitness Coach and so much more actually. And talking about Melissa being so much more, Melissa, first of all, welcome. And second of all, please tell us more about who you are and what you do…
MELISSA: Oh my gosh, thank you so much for having me. I am truly, really excited to be here. Yes. So a little bit about myself. I'm a 52-year-old mom of three. The oldest two of my boys are out of the house and in college and my youngest daughter is a sophomore in high school. I'm married, I have two pets… and I'm in the heart of my midlife madness... hormones... figuring out my next career step… and just wanting to share stories and I know many women can relate… and here I am…
SAMIA: I'm so happy to have you and you know, a lot of what you have to share with us is so important for our audience. I know that they are going to absolutely love everything that we're going to be talking about. So I know one of the things about you is… you are like you said, going through a bit of a transition in life. So tell me a little bit more about, like, your primary focus for a long time was working as a nutrition and fitness coach. Tell me first a little bit about that part of your life.
MELISSA: Absolutely. And I'll even go back a little bit further. Before, well, when I got married and before I had kids, I was in corporate America. I worked in advertising, big advertising agencies… before online media even existed, if you can believe it or not. So yeah, your listeners may think I'm a somewhat of a dinosaur. But … and so when I had kids I gratefully left my job to stay at home and raise the kids. And you know the saying of long days, fast years is so, so true. I mean I do remember some days like looking at the clock going, oh my Gosh, it's just 3pm, how am I going to survive? And then here I am, fast forward… My oldest is 20, 20 years later, 52 years old and now 2/3 of them are out of the house. Well, anyways, along the way I grew up playing sports. I was also, I call myself a professional ex-fad dieter, which is not a good thing. But if it, if there was a new fad diet, I would do it. You know, I've eaten packaged foods. I've made cabbage soup. Anyways, I call that now research... my research. So sports, being athletic was just… is in my DNA. And it was during COVID when I decided… or no, I did an online workout group just for my friends. So I get on Zoom. I'd throw on that. Where the name hoops and gloss comes from. I'm like, we got to perk up a little bit here. I'd throw on a pair of hoops, throw on some lip gloss and leap around in my… this room actually… for 30 minutes. And whatever of my friends could join, they could, and we would do this. Half of them would stay in bed and drink coffee. But it was a way to bring us together.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: And so since then… I now work at a studio teaching a class two days a week. I got certified as a nutritionist. And that's where, you know, my... I just turned my personal passions into a business focus as well. And I love it. So that's kind of how I got there.
SAMIA: Love it... Make money doing what you love. That's something that we love over here.
(INSERT AD HERE: Min 4:51)
MELISSA: It's, yes... It's exactly. It is true. It is so true... And I do worry about kids these days having too much pressure. Like, in high school, I don't know what I want to major in in college, I don't know what I want to be yet. And I, and I say to them, I'm still figuring that out. I mean, it's okay. You do have to let go. And I'm not saying don't have goals, but pivot, you know, I wish I could tell my young... It's easy for me to sit here and say that, but I do feel like there's just too much pressure for these younger kids to know exactly what their life plan is and what their career is going to be. My personal opinion.
SAMIA: You know, it's interesting you're saying that, because I actually was thinking that it's a little bit different now in the sense that in some ways… I mean, there's always been pressure on people, but it's different kind of pressure. So, like, for example, in my experience, and now I'm talking about when I was growing up, I moved around a bit, but it was basically in Asia… India, Pakistan, Middle-East... And you know, in our Asian cultures, there is pretty much like… well, if you're a middle-class family, you know, your fate is pretty much sealed right in terms of, like, the ambitions that you are allowed to have and not have, like, from the time you're born. So first of all, for like the men, the boys, who have to, you know, take on the role of breadwinner, taking care of family, etc, it's like become a doctor, lawyer, engineer... And so, you know, you start feeling the pressure to excel in school and, you know, get into those colleges and universities that will allow you to follow those career paths and so forth. For me as a girl, there was actually zero pressure, zero expectation, to have any kind of profession. But, you know, I was being groomed to learn to take care of family, to be a housemaker, be a caregiver, you know, those kinds of things. And so, you know, it's like there's pressure to, not necessarily so much, I guess, figure out what you want to do. But, you know, for the people who did have to figure out what they needed to do because they couldn't succeed in the tracks that were set for them… like, you know, the fact is not everyone has the capacity to become an engineer, doctor or lawyer. And so I can't tell you, like, how many people, like, young men, for example, in my life I know who are like, we can't pass biology and can't become a doctor, or I'm no good at physics, I can't become an engineer. And you know, like those kinds of things. And so then they had to feel immense pressure to figure out, okay, what else can I do? And no matter what else I choose to do, it's not going to be as good, it's second best. But I have to figure something out because I have to take on this responsibility to take care of my family, etc. And so they felt this immense pressure to figure things out… and nowadays what I'm seeing... But you know, it's like once they fell into a track, it was pretty much like, you know, you stayed with it, you know.
MELISSA: Yes.
SAMIA: Most of my elders in the family, they had one profession their entire lives. Sometimes they even worked in one place their entire lives, that kind of thing. So once you figured it out initially, that was it.
MELISSA: Yeah. So it's almost like the path was decided for you, but the pressure to take the path was intense.
SAMIA: It was. And if you couldn't follow the path that was decided for you, then you had to face a lot of pressure to figure something else out, but do quick... And you didn't have… like, you couldn't… There was no space for, oh, I'm just gonna go and figure myself out…
MELISSA: Yes, yes... There's a lot of that too, which there doesn't pay the, I mean, it can eventually pay the bills, don't get me wrong. But yes…
SAMIA: Yeah. So, I mean, I saw all of those pressures being experienced, but now it's like, you know, with our current generations, our young generations, it's like they cannot have the expectation of, okay, I'm going to start with this one career and then that's it.
MELISSA: Right?
SAMIA: No, they have to think from the mindset of, okay, I'm going to start with this career, but in a few years, who knows if this industry will even exist or what radical changes will have happened in it. And so I'm going to have to reinvent myself entirely. And you know, I have to be ready to be keeping up my education, constantly keeping up with the changes and reinventing myself. And so it's a very different… like, a whole different ballgame when it comes to figuring out your life, what you're going to do, how you're going to do it…
MELISSA: Absolutely. I mean, here, this is also going to date you and blow your mind. No one... There were no cell phones when I was in college. My kids, no computers. I had what they call the word processor. I mean my kids are like, what? And that is interesting, you brought it up about longevity with one company. I mean, my dad stayed with his company for… I might get this wrong, but minimum 30 years, you know, that it was, I don't know if his first job out of college, but like the big one. And nowadays you're so right. I mean the turnover… that just doesn't exist. Because you're right, there are some either indus full industries go away or brand new ones emerge, which can be really exciting too. I mean, think about it. I guess it just depends how you look at it.
SAMIA: Yes, yes. Talking about how you look at it... I mean, of course… I mean there are certain, let's say system-level challenges that can, you know, create challenges in your life that you don't want to have to deal with. I mean, for example, just the other day I was listening to another podcast where they were talking about the climate crisis and the fact that, you know, we are on a trajectory, like, given the pace of extremely slow change that we are making in terms of improving… transitioning away from fossil fuels and you know, building up our alternative energy structures, etc, we are moving in a direction where we are basically creating an unhabitable planet. And you know, you and probably even me, I'm just 10 years behind you… will be dead before we have to deal with the worst of the consequences of what we are doing. But our kids and our grandkids, they are going to be left with that world that is basically becoming increasingly uninhabitable. Right? Did I say that right?
MELISSA: Yeah, yeah.
SAMIA: And in order to prevent that, you know, we have to make faster change. We have to stop creating new infrastructure, for example, when it comes to fossil fuels… and we have to instead double, triple the speed of investment in renewable energy infrastructure and stuff. And in all of that, you know, they were talking about how in America, one of the... and in many parts of the Western world… one of the things that hinders us is that we don't have enough engineers, we don't have enough scientists.
We don't… you know like, we literally, in the way that we have been educating, and the focus of the educational system here in the west, you know, it's not been very science focused and so forth. So we literally haven't trained enough brains, enough people, to be able to take on these kinds of jobs. China, on the other hand, has had such a huge focus on, you know, training people in the sciences and so forth that, you know, pretty much, like, we have to now import people from places like China and India in order to fill this brain gap that is now existing in the West…
MELISSA: Do you feel like the universities here in the west are changing, though, or trying to get more students to focus on those studies, on those subjects, or not really?
SAMIA: I mean, I've seen some efforts to promote what we may… what is generally called STEM education.
MELISSA: Right.
SAMIA: You know, the sciences, technology, etc.
MELISSA: Yeah.
SAMIA: In that context, though, even in that context, I see more emphasis on like computer science, on learning, programming, learning on that aspect of technology.
But also, you know, it comes down to, like, you can't force people.
MELISSA: Well, for sure…
SAMIA: …to study this... well, in India and Pakistan, lots of people get forced into it. But ultimately…
MELISSA: ...you don't want me as a sturgeon. I mean, I would be passed out on the floor the whole time. So, yes, there comes a point where you cannot force certain people to go in certain careers. My college roommate love… she should have been a doctor. She loves medical stuff. Loves it... And like, she will send me the, like more when the kids are little... Like, look, I come, I'm like, I do. I cannot handle seeing that.
So, yes, you, there does have to be a personal attachment to that.
SAMIA: Yes. But also, you know, it's like a mindset issue of, you know, like, cultivating interest, you know, so it can't be that, you know, you get to college and suddenly you're going to become interested in sciences in a way that you have never been interested from when you were a little kid. I mean, these are things you have to start if you're going to cultivate interest in these subjects for kids so that they want to get into these things or even can see themselves getting into these things potentially… like, it has to start from when they're tiny little kids, you know. You have to teach them science in a way that makes it interesting for them. Like, how common is it for everyone or most people to say, oh, I hate maths, I hate maths... Right? And it's such a common sentiment that no one even bats an eye when you say that. In fact, everyone's like, in agreement with you and it becomes a point of, you know, like, everyone connecting with each other because, yeah, we all hate maths… but you cannot, you know, like, as I discovered when I was in college, and actually in some ways I enjoyed my science classes and so forth, but I couldn't get past a certain level because I couldn't deal with the maths. Like, I tried. I tried, but I couldn't… Like, when I hit calculus, that's when I kind of hit my limit of, you know, like, how much math I could…
MELISSA: Yes…
SAMIA: So…
MELISSA: I hear you…
SAMIA: You know, was I having trouble in math class, but then I started having trouble with like advanced physics classes, for example, and advanced, like, a little bit... I started struggling in chemistry and because, you know, there's like just math in all the sciences and so…
MELISSA: Oh, for sure.
SAMIA: The point is that there are issues that... But you know, you can learn... Like, if I had the motivation, not just the motivation, but if there was someone pushing me to learn, to put in more effort to figure out math, to figure out science, I do have the brains that I could have, with more effort, figured things out. I mean, wouldn't have been impossible by any means. But I was like, why? Why am I struggling with this?
MELISSA: Yeah.
SAMIA: Why should I struggle with this? I'm going to do what's easy for me. And so I switched to psychology…
MELISSA: But that's hard in different ways too.
SAMIA: I should actually say I switched out of cognitive psychology into general psychology… because cognitive psychology, that's where they were making me do more of the advanced, not only sciencey stuff, but computer sciencey stuff. And that went totally over my…
MELISSA: I don't even think they had cognitive psychology…
SAMIA: Oh, yeah.
MELISSA: When I went to school, it was... I don't even know what that mean. It was just psychology, period. That was it.
SAMIA: Yeah. I mean…
MELISSA: I was a communications major, which kind of just covered a lot. You know, it's a big umbrella.
SAMIA: Yes, yes. Well, you know, there's lots of really cool fields coming up... Cognitive psychology is a relatively new field. It's an interdisciplinary field. And depending on which college or university you go to, they will emphasize different disciplines in the context of it being interdisciplinary. I happened to be at UCLA where they had a huge emphasis on thinking about the brain as a computer. And so they were like, you have to learn computer science. You have to learn how to code and program, write programs, so that, you know, the goal is like, we want to write code and programs that simulate different ways in which the brain works so then we can better understand how the brain works, etc, etc... So, but, you know....
MELISSA: ..you lost me. I mean, that's insane.
SAMIA: I mean, you know, there's... It just turned out to be an approach that was not going to work for me. I was like, you know, I should have gone to the other college where the discipline that they emphasized more was philosophy, the philosophy of mind. I think that's where my real area of genius would be. But unhappily, at that point in time, it was too late for me to switch to a different university. So I was like, I’m going to switch out of cognitive psychology into general psychology.
MELISSA: But, you know, I found out as I've gotten older, you know, it wasn't a waste. You know, things happen for a reason. And you learned, I think, in life learning also what you don't want to focus on is just as important as focusing on what you do.
SAMIA: Yes, you are right about that. And even what I did manage to learn in the few semesters I struggled with, for example, computer programming or the calculus classes, etc... I actually got learning out of those things that, you know, have shaped how I think and continue to…
MELISSA: Right.
SAMIA: …I mean, I'm not... I wouldn't say I'm using a lot of that knowledge in my everyday life today, but there were certain ways of thinking, certain concepts that I absolutely absorbed and that continue to impact how I think and behave in a more, you know, like, general…
MELISSA: ..broader…
SAMIA: …broader, broader sense. You know, like I have, like, for example, like, perspectives on…
MELISSA: Yes.
SAMIA: …philosophy of mind that are different today because I took those cognitive psychology and computer programming classes, then I would... If I hadn't taken them, you know?
MELISSA: Exactly…
SAMIA: So…
MELISSA: Exactly. If you would have asked, you know, Melissa, in college, what would you be doing in 25 years? I mean, creating a podcast and doing it again... Podcasts didn't even exist, you know. So I do think you just sometimes… it's okay… It's okay to pivot. It's okay when your plan changes, it's okay when a new plan pops up you didn't expect. I do really believe things do happen for a reason. And you're supposed to learn something… but it may not all be fun, which is the hard part, but you're supposed to learn something from every experience, good or bad.
SAMIA: Yes. And, you know, going back to mindset, you know, the... What I've been learning in life is that we can actually find the fun also in whatever is happening, whatever we are experiencing. Even when we're experiencing something that is feeling difficult in the moment, we can nonetheless choose to find some fun in it. And then it actually helps it also feel more easy.
MELISSA: Absolutely. Absolutely... I couldn't agree more. I could not agree more.
It's so true and it's so important.
SAMIA: Yeah. So tell me more about the podcast you mentioned you're starting... What is it about?
MELISSA: Yes. So it's called "Now What?"... And "Now What?” by Motivate with Melissa. Motivate with Melissa is the company I created… my nutrition and fitness company. And it's really targeting middle-aged women and sharing stories, sharing my own experiences and just navigating the midlife maze together. So much is not talked about and so many people feel alone. And so my goal is just to be super authentic, super honest again, sharing my story, sharing my friends’ stories, anyone's story, about what they're personally going through now… if it was hard, how they got through it, whether it was menopause, whether it's a job change, a new career, adjusting to being empty nesters when your kids, you know, like myself... I gave up my, my career, my 9 to 5 job, stayed home and raised the kids. And now they don't need me more... And it's, I have this brain power, I want to do something, but now what, what do I do? You know, and so it's just... It's kind of, I guess you could call it a passion project. It's just my self diary. Like, I went to a naturopath yesterday. I've never been to a naturopath before to be like, okay, we're gonna be in this menopause thing. I gotta learn about it. I gotta, you know, figure out what my hormones and doing are doing. And so that's the nature of the podcast.
SAMIA: Love it, I love it.
MELISSA: And humor is a huge part of it. So I address… it's funny you brought up the humor thing. I definitely address things with humor, in fact, not necessarily in a good way. Like, I'm the type where sometimes when I get really nervous, I'll laugh, but that can be like, even at a funeral or... you know, I don't mean to be insensitive at all, but it's just that nervous, and sometimes it comes out as laughter, as opposed to tears, which would be more appropriate. So it can get me in trouble. And again, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but, yeah, we gotta laugh more... You gotta find the silver lining. You gotta have fun. You gotta have fun…
SAMIA: Yes, absolutely. You know, I think one of the things that I love about you, Melissa, is that you are so… reaching out to people... Not just trying to figure everything out yourself, not keeping everything to yourself, but it's like you are facing something and your instinct and your intuition leads you to reach out to people and build community. And, you know, it's like, let's figure this out together. Let's help each other out. And that is a really, really wonderful quality. And it's actually, I think, a really… something that defines us changemakers, you know. So…
MELISSA: Thank you. Well, isn't it... You know, life is easier with community. I especially think for women. You know, women are known to… just our brain… Our brains need it. Literally, our brains need that connection with other people. And community can be very, very powerful. So thank you. That is my goal. That is... And just no one wants to feel alone. No one does... And everyone has something going on. You know, I'm really trying to… you know, if someone's... I don't know, if someone's rude to you, you know, it could be a stranger at the store, cuts you off… You know, I'm really trying to focus on, you know what, I don't know what they're going through. Not that I have to be a target or be beaten up. Don't get me wrong. You gotta stand up for yourself. But, you know, you don't know what other people are going through. So let's help each other.
SAMIA: Yes. Yes. Because when we are… especially when we're talking about people going through any kind of major life transitions, facing major changes in their lives, it brings up a lot of anxiety, a lot of stress, and it can make you act in a way that's not at your best. And so if in that context, someone can show you something, some empathy, some compassion, some support, it's just... it's life… It can be really life changing, you know, in a positive way, versus if, you know, you feel judged and shamed and blamed, then it just sort of makes everything that much harder. And like, I've seen this also, you know, like, talking about, you know, for example, people are trying to deal with a change, like being an empty nester or like a... You know, like when you were talking about the changes that you're facing because now two-thirds of your kids are out, you know, you're used to doing so much for them… You make me think of my mom, who, you know, like, well, I'm still living with her and so is my sister and my brothers… there is three of us, and we're still living at home. But, you know, things have changed in terms of our needs and… you know, like, we don't need our mom in the same way as when you were little kids. But she is like one of those people who is just amazingly giving and she's just, you know… like, she loves to feed you. She loves to, like, just take care of you. Just love you in all kinds of ways that, like, embrace you…
MELISSA: You're lucky.
SAMIA: Oh, extremely, extremely... And at the same time, like, now I'm busy more and more doing my work, and so I've less time to be loved in certain ways by my mom, where, you know, like, as a kid, I would, like, literally sit next to her for hours and hours and cuddle. And, you know, there's certain things that, you know, that, now I'm like, oh, I can’t do…
MELISSA: Yes, but. And I'm sure, yes, and it's a hard transition, but that there is no great… as hard as it is, as it is that my boys are out of the house... Now, keep in mind, my boys are 20 minutes down the road. They're so… I really can't complain, but the whole vibe of the house is different.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: To see your kids thrive and live out their life now, is... there are no words. There are no words. So guaranteed she knows you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. As much as she wants you to sit by her all day, she's probably like, you got to get to work. Or, you know what I mean? Like, so, yes…
SAMIA: So you know, the challenge that comes up with is she is happy for me. Of course I need to work. She doesn't… In fact, she overthinks… Like, she overthinks about me to this day in the sense that, you know, she'll be like, oh, you have to work.
So she won't even ask me for things that she needs. You know, she's aging now. She's in her 70s, and, you know, like, for example, just the other day, she was struggling to wash her feet because now she has a harder time bending.
MELISSA: Yeah.
SAMIA: And I'm like, mom, just call me, you know, and let me help you with this. But she was like, no, no, you know, you're busy, you're working. I didn't want to trouble you. I'm like, how can you trouble me? You know, this mindset where, you know, she's just so used to giving, and now she's struggling to receive, you know?
MELISSA: Yes, yes.
SAMIA: You know, and the other part of it also, though, is having a new sense of mission and purpose. Like, you know, her day now cannot be organized around running after me and taking care of me in the ways that she used to. So now what does she do with the time that she has on her hands? Because she doesn't... she can't run around after me. So it's like also finding that something new, something different to do with her life, you know, that continues to give it a sense of meaning and purpose.
MELISSA: Yes. She and I are literally going through the next thing. I mean, the same thing, just different phase. Right? So there's a new phase for versus, you know, your kids go to college and you go… And a friend said you go from a parent to a coach. So, like, you don't need her really, as a parent. Like, she doesn't have to watch you to keep you safe, right. You're not a toddler. She's now more of a coach. Like, hey, mom, what would you do about this? Or can, you know… But isn't it interesting? I'm literally going through the same phase that you're 70 year old mom... It's like, whatever the change is, now what? Because we all …and I do think everyone needs a purpose and wants a purpose. And it's the days where... not that I don't love a free day, don't get me wrong, but you know, the days where I need to be somewhere or even my daughter… My daughter has her permit now. And I know that the day she gets her driver's license, right… now she depends on me for driving. And there are some days I'm like, oh, I don't want to drive. But then it's like, oh, my gosh, no. Because once that license… believe me, she's gone. I'm never going to see her again. And it's the car where we have our most conversations. So I'm really trying to cherish that, because then that's another change that's going to happen.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: So I need to find more podcasts to be on... No, but it's... Yeah. And you're going through, you know, your career and out of college and…
SAMIA: Yeah. You know, I mean, last year I ended up becoming a property manager of all things. Why? Because one of my uncles passed away. And then I found out he had made me his trustee. I mean, not that it was completely like a complete shock because at one point he had come to me and he had said, would... Is this something you would consider taking on as a role after I'm gone? And I had actually told him was... I said, if I have to do it, I would, but I recommend to you that you choose my sister. And at that time, he didn't say, okay, I take your recommendation, Samia. But I assumed that he would have.
MELISSA: Oh, no... And nothing got changed…
SAMIA: Yeah. So after he passed, so it turned out, oh, no, I am the person he designated as his trustee. And, you know, he had in the trust, you know, several properties, rental properties, things like that. And so then I was like, okay, we're taking this on, you know, so learning about managing tenants and doing renovations and…
MELISSA: Ah, you do? I want to know how to do that. I've never managed a rental property. Do you like it? Or is it stressful?
SAMIA: It's been a really good learning experience.
MELISSA: Oh, good.
SAMIA: You know, it's been a great blessing in that… happily, I have not been having to figure it out all by myself. Not only did I inherit the trust, but I inherited the people that surrounded him, that helped him manage everything that was in place. And so I've just been, you know, really leaning a lot on that team that he had built. And I'm like, okay, okay…
MELISSA: ..good.
SAMIA: I'm stepping into new things, but thank God I don't have to figure it out by myself. So I actually get to have a lot of fun learning because I don't have to worry about figuring everything out on my own.
MELISSA: No, that's so great. And you brought it up earlier about reaching out and needing community, and not… It's not only fun, but it's okay to ask for help. Like, I'm a fitness coach, but I still hire a trainer. Why? Because I want to get to a certain level that… I need… like, coaches need coaches, right. We... I mean, the professional athletes have coaches. I mean, they don't get there alone. No one... It's rare anyone gets where they are alone. I bet any… I don't care if you're a billionaire, CEO or top of your field or whatever… it takes support. And yeah, I have no problems asking for help, but that can be hard for some people. I'm fine with it... I'm like, help, SOS.
SAMIA: Oh, that's amazing. That's amazing. Because asking for help can indeed be a big challenge for many of us. It has been a big challenge for me in my younger days... Not so much anymore. I actually now it's like a point of awareness… anytime I find myself getting stressed, I’m like, wait a minute, what's going on here? And usually it turns out I've forgotten to ask for help.
MELISSA: Interesting. I'm going to pay attention to that myself. That's a really good point... Like, why am I stressed? Because I'm taking on too much and I need help.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: Oh, I'm going to do that... No, that's really good. Normally I'm just like, I blame it on my hormones... The benefit of going through menopause, you can blame a lot on being crazy on your hormones… but that's really good.
SAMIA: Yeah, yeah. It's one of the big lessons I've learned in my life. And you know, like, I'm still obviously not perfect in terms of asking for help when I need it because I still end up in times when I get stressed. But, you know, that's the awareness part, is I'm getting better and better at get catching it more quickly and…
MELISSA: Yes.
SAMIA: And actually asking for the help that I need. And it's, yeah… But like now I see my mom struggling with it, you know, and so it's... It can come up in so many different contexts where people can struggle to ask for help. Like, there's certain ways in which she doesn't struggle to ask for help. She's actually a very people's person and you know, like, she has had to deal with so much transition in her life.
You know, like I mentioned to you, our family has moved around. We have lived in different countries. Like, literally… well, America… We're living now in America and it's our fourth country. And you know, a lot of times when we were going through all of these moves, my dad, of course, was doing his part, making a living, figuring things out at his level. But my mom was left alone with us kids...
MELISSA: Yeah.
SAMIA: …to figure things out by herself and not being in a position where she could keep running to my dad for help, you know. And so there were so many ways in which she learned to manage and she did it by asking for help, you know. And so there are definitely so many amazing ways in which she's great at asking for help. But in this way, when it comes to her personal body struggle, her personal body, her personal care, she's finding herself struggling to ask for help in those contexts.
MELISSA: That's common. I'm going through a similar thing with my mother. Like I said, 83... And she doesn't want to burden you. You will always be her baby.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: I mean, it's just my kids will always just be my baby, you know, and... No, I get that. I don't want to burden them. And so but I understand, because dealing with it's also... It almost makes it harder for us, though. Don't you feel like you're like, mom, if you just would have asked me for help, then we could have dealt with this so easily.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: And so I totally get what you're saying. The intent is good.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: But sometimes it's… from our standpoints can be a bit frustrating...
SAMIA: So tell me a little bit more... So you have this experience that I don't of both being a daughter and also a mother.
MELISSA: Yeah.
SAMIA: I'm not a mom myself. I'm only a daughter. So I can think from one perspective, but not the other. But you can think from both. So tell me a little bit more about... So you're experiencing your mom having the struggle of asking for help. And on the other hand, you can see in yourself as a mom that you don't want to be a burden on your kids. But when your mom has that mindset with regards to you, you’re like, no it'd be much better... So how do you think you might want to shift it in yourself when it comes to your own kids?
MELISSA: You know, it's interesting, and a lot of my friends are... It's called the sandwich generation. And there was a saying, it's the true definition of midlife when you have your own kids that you're still taking care of, and then you have your parents that you're taking care of.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: So now you're on both ends. And it's been interesting for me because as my kids get more independent and need less, it's almost like now my parents need more.
SAMIA: Yes.
MELISSA: It's strange... I don't know. I'm an only child, too, so I don't have any siblings. And my parents, luckily live 10 minutes away from me. And, I mean, my parents are amazing. They've, like, set themselves up financially. They're still very independent. They drive... In fact, my poor mom had cataract surgery this morning. My dad was able to take her. So it's not that they need a ton from me yet. But to answer your question... And my kids, I don't need… I don't... I'm not in this stage to ask my kids for things, so I can still help... You know what I mean? I don't need rides from my kids or I don't... So that part is fine. And it's more me hanging on to, like, oh, my gosh, my daughter's the last one in the house. And just really, I'm just... I'm obsessed with all my kids. I mean, believe me, they're not perfect. I'm not perfect. Oh, God. And let me tell you, you can read every parenting book out there… In fact, I did... No one prepared... Nothing prepares you for parenthood. I'm sorry. Like, it just doesn't. It is crazy... I mean, we had a lot of ups, but we also had a lot of downs. So I just want to be very clear on that. Like, oh, I did… I mean, okay, whatever... They're safe, they're alive, they're thriving. Fantastic. But I don't think I'm really answering your question, but it's a weird... It's for me, personally, it's been weird… I almost feel... Not that I've lost my parents… I'm now their parent… which is a weird feeling.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: Like, I'm the one check... I mean, they. They check in on me.
But, like, when I... Oh, when Covid first came out, okay, pre-vaccine...
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: So my son and I get it right away. Okay. Well, covid really, really shook my parents. I mean, they were scared. You know, there wasn't a vaccine. It was unknown. People were dying... And my mom really felt like if she got Covid, she was going to die, so she was really scared. So I remember when I got Covid, I didn't tell my mom. Like, I hid from my mom. Like, she would call, she goes, you sound a little scratchy. And, I mean, I was sick. I'm like, no, I'm great... It's just allergies. Because what was the point? There was nothing she could have done. I wasn't going to see her. You know, we weren't even seeing each other. All she would do is worry. So that was the first time I'm vividly remembering of, like, wow, this is me now… I got to take care of them. Whereas part of me wanted to call mom and be like, mom, I'm so sick. Like, you don't lose that. I don't care how old you are. All I wanted was to crawl into bed with my mom, and, well, I would have… it what? That was four years ago.
48... Like, Mom, I don't feel well, you know, but I couldn't...
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: So that... It's bizarre. It's a weird feeling. Does that make sense?
SAMIA: It is. You know, and, oh, gosh, Melissa, I think we're gonna have to bring you back so we can keep talking because...
MELISSA: Yeah, I know we've gone all over the place, so...
SAMIA: Yeah, no, but I think we're... You know, I have actually been thinking a lot about this... Like, you know, going back to the idea of there's always something for us to learn from every experience. And I've been thinking a lot about, well, what do we have to learn… or what can we learn about love and how we love each other and how we love ourselves and how we love other people? Like, by thinking about the difference in our love that we experience… give and receive… as children to our parents versus a parent to a child. Because, like I said, I'm not a mom myself.
MELISSA: That's okay.
SAMIA: That's okay. But, you know, like, my mom, she keeps… this is, like, one of the things that she... Like, you hear her say often… you just don't get it until you are a mom. And I'm like, what am I not getting? What is it that I need to learn and understand that's so different, you know, when you are a mom in terms of, like, trying to love... Like, how my mom is trying to love me, and the times when I find myself feeling frustrated by those expressions of love...
MELISSA: …smothered or controlled...
SAMIA: Yes, some things along those lines. And then I'm like, but I know I love you as a daughter, and I'm not having these struggles that you are having. And I’m like, why can you not think about things from this perspective that I'm thinking in terms of how to love me and how I love you. Look how I'm loving you. And it's going great, right?
MELISSA: You're so cute... So my quick response. This is a much longer conversation we're gonna have to... And I don't know your mom so this is my opinion, okay? This is coming from me, is based from fear... So the second you were born, our job was to literally keep you alive, which is daunting. Like, let me tell you, when they're like, you can leave the hospital now. I'm like, really? I can leave with this human being? I don't think so. I like it here. I got nurses. I got a little button... So whereas you, the day you're born, your job wasn't to take care of us, right. Your job was to grow up. So my guess is that... So… it's petrifying being a parent. And especially as you get older, we lose control, right. When you're a baby, we control what you wear, what you eat, what you do... And teens, whoosh… Those teens are scary. Let me tell you... And it's her... I don't want to speak from her, for her, this is my opinion. It's hard to lose control because it's scary... Because with our souls and body, we just want you to be safe.
SAMIA: Yeah.
MELISSA: And it's letting go... It's frickin hard. It's hard... So the... My suggestion to you is, I get it. Because even my dad will say, like, I always see you at five. And I'm like... So I slip into that role too. Here I'm doing it to my kids. This is actually now they think... And then my dad was, I'm like sad. So actually it's so funny. This is just coming to my head, you know. Come on. Enough... Stop... So I'm rejecting that, yet I'm doing it. See, I'm messing everything up. You know, none of us are experts. But what is the intent? That's what I try to focus on with anything is there... What is their intent?
SAMIA: Yes.
MELISSA: You know, like as friends, you make mistakes. Was there intent to hurt me? No... But if I did something that annoyed you or hurt your feelings, I'm really sorry. That was not my intent.
SAMIA: No no, I have no doubts when it comes to intention… that I know...
MELISSA: …it can be annoying. I get it. But you can say it. It could be... I mean, like I just told you, my dad… I'm like, you're annoying me. Poor guy...
SAMIA: You know, it's... For me, it's moved beyond feeling annoyed. I mean there was, yes, a time when I used to feel annoyed. I've moved beyond that in the sense that, you know, like I said, now I'm really focusing on trying to understand what there is for us to learn in this experience. Both for me to learn but also for my mom to learn. Now I cannot learn for her. She will learn her own lessons, but at least I can, you know, be like, what is there for me to learn and understand, you know. And so what can I learn about...
MELISSA: ...what do you think it is?
SAMIA: I think you are right... I think there is a lot of fear and there is a lesson to learn about letting go from my mom's side. But I think also like for me there is lessons here to learn about having deeper empathy, deeper compassion. But also I wonder if there is a lesson in there for me to learn about watching myself in terms of making sure that I don't develop attachments and fears that then I struggle to let go of and end up creating unhealthy dynamics in my relationships. I mean...
MELISSA: ...that's a good one.
SAMIA: ..you know, right?
MELISSA: That's deep.
SAMIA: And then there's lessons of like, how do you actually let go? How do you actually let go? Like if you're a parent… I want to learn from parents who have done a successful job of letting go of some of the fear or some of the attachment and, like, teach me like what can I learn from you about letting go? Because until you have been through the struggle… sometimes there are lessons that you just can't learn until you have been through the struggle yourself... And so I want to learn from people who’ve been through the struggle.
MELISSA: I mean, I don't know, it's hard. I also have the personality… I think personality matters... I'm not a huge warrior by design, so that is in my favor. I'm definitely kind of an “ignorance is bliss” which can be great and not so great at the same time. So that has helped me... I mean again, my kids are 20 minutes away. So I mean I've had friends who put their, you know, have to put their kids on airplanes across the country. So there's a grace... Well, what is like you just gotta try and be present. And here's the thing, there's a great saying, okay, my father-in-law used to say this. You're only as happy as your unhappiest kid.
SAMIA: Oh, interesting.
MELISSA: It's so true. So right now, which is a miracle because never like one always likes to keep it mixed up. They just rotate like right when you think it's all calm one, you know... But for me, personally, I don't know about your mom or anyone else… Right now, they all seem to be where they should be for themselves. They're all taking different paths, right? My one son's in a university, my other son's at a community college. I am so proud of both of them. They're very unique, different individuals, and I just... They're doing it their way. So knowing that and that they're happy, I can... You know, but when there's term, it's hard. I don't know. I don't know the answer. Let me know when you find out... Actually, I'm gonna have, I'm gonna have an expert on my podcast about how to let go. That's a great idea...
SAMIA: Excellent. You know, this is a topic I think we can all delve deeper into...
MELISSA: Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And if you find out before I do, give me a call, because I don't know...
SAMIA: Okay, okay. So on that note, there's so much for us that we don't know, but we can learn together…
MELISSA: And have fun while we learn...
SAMIA: Exactly. And so, any last words, Melissa, as we wrap up for right now?
MELISSA: Oh, my gosh, no. Just, I've so enjoyed chatting with you. I feel like we touched on so many topics. Am I allowed to do some self-promotion here?
SAMIA: ...please...
MELISSA: Okay, if you're. I'm primarily on Instagram. I'm trying to figure out TikTok.
It is not my jam, but I am on TikTok at all. But follow me if you would like to on Instagram and TikTok @MotivatewithMelis, one s. And stay tuned for, I'm launching my podcast, hopefully next week, called "Now What?" And even though I'm targeting midlife women, it's for men and women, you know, themes… We're all just trying to figure life out together and there is no manual, right. There is no... Just like the kids. How did, yeah, there's no perfect manual. So I would be very grateful for anyone to do that. And thank you so much. I've so enjoyed this conversation...
SAMIA: Thank you for joining us, Melissa. I really enjoyed myself also. And for our audience, I want to say, please make sure you check the show notes because we will be dropping Melissa's links in there so you can connect with her. And FYI, go check out her podcast now, because when you are listening to this now…
MELISSA: Oh. Yes, good point…
SAMIA: …her odcast will already be out because for sure it's going to take me more than one week to release this episode.
MELISSA: Of course, of course.
SAMIA: …so go checkout Melissa's podcast now… just go to the show notes, click on the link, and then check it out and like and share the podcast too. So until we connect next time, I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy... :)
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