Blog: Make Change Fun And Easy

Reparenting Yourself To Raise Secure and Emotionally Healthy Kids.  Jahanvi Shah & Samia Bano

Reparenting Yourself To Raise Secure and Emotionally Healthy Kids.

November 26, 202441 min read

Reparenting Yourself To Raise Secure
and Emotionally Healthy Kids.
Jahanvi Shah & Samia Bano

Want to break free from your past patterns and become the parent you always wanted to be?

Listen now to this interview with Jahanvi Shah, #ConsciousParentingCoach and #imperfectmom to two little spirited kiddos. Jahanvi reveals 4 ways you can begin your #healingjourney and create a #SecureAttachment first and foremost with yourself so you can fully #showupforyourkids!

Learn the power of #Reparenting yourself by reflecting on your past, understanding your emotions, and rewriting your story to foster fulfilling connections with your loved ones now.

Connect with Jahanvi now at: https://www.authenticallyparenting.com/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/authentically_parenting

For resources and trainings, join the Facebook Group "Conscious Parenting for Moms" at:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/authenticallyparenting/

To Book your Free HAPPINESS 101 EXPLORATION CALL with Samia, click: https://my.timetrade.com/book/JX9XJ

#reparentingyourself #healattachmentwounds #showupforyou #showupforyourself #emotionallystrong #emotionallyintelligent #emotionallyintelligentkids #emotionallyhealthy #EmotionalHealing #ParentingTransformation #MindfulParenting #AttachmentStyles #InnerHealingJourney #ParentingAndGrowth #EmotionalAwareness #GenerationalHealing #NonviolentCommunication #EmotionalGrowth #CulturalTransformation #CompassionateLiving #nonviolentparenting

Here's the audio version of this episode:

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Full Video Transcript


SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, Privet, Mabuhay, and Dzień Dobry! It's so good to be with you again. And I know you'll be extra happy today that you are joining us because we have a very special guest, who's a returning guest also, and is Jahanvi Shah, and she is a Conscious Parenting Coach. Welcome back, Jahanvi... 

JAHANVI: Thank you, thank you. It's so good to be back again. Looking forward to this conversation.

SAMIA: Oh, yes, me too, me too... So for those of you who may have missed our last episode together, you know, Jahanvi and I were talking about parenting styles basically, and, you know, sort of like… it's actually attachment styles, I think, is the more proper word to use. And, you know, it sort of describes the different kinds of relationships you can develop with your children. And actually, you know, I think you can even see those kinds of patterns in other relationships that we have. But we were talking about it primarily in the context of parent… parents and children. Janhanvi, could you maybe give us a quick recap of the four different attachment styles you had mentioned, shared with us last time?

JAHANVI: Absolutely, absolutely. So basically, our attachment style is created when we're children, as we talked last time, based on the relationship we have with our parents, because our survival depends on them, right. We know that secure attachment is developed when our primary caregivers are attuned, responsive, and somewhat predictable, if not 100% of the times. And when we are raised by people who are able to regulate their emotions themselves, they give us this ability to express ourselves, you know, and fully be who we are. And our parents, I know they did the best they could based on their resources. The reality is, a lot of us just didn't get this. We were raised by maybe distracted, overwhelmed, stressed parents who might have been unhappy in their marriage, carrying their own unresolved traumas, or who were distant or cold. And, you know, so we never got the chance to develop that secure attachment or the ability to trust that people are going to fully be there for us. But the best part about these attachment styles, Samia, is it's not set in stone. You know, they are fluid, you know, and that means they are… our, you know, attachment child styles can change and develop over time, right. So I personally have an anxious-avoidant attachment style that was one of the styles we talked about last week. And I have done a lot of work around creating a more secure attachment. You know, all of us can really do this, you know, if we can commit to it and show ourselves a lot of compassion along the way. So, you know, as before we started here, I was telling Samia, like, the good news is, now, as adults, our survival depends on us. And we have a unique opportunity to become the loving parent that we didn't get, right. We can give ourselves the things that we really needed in our childhood. And in the process, we can develop this more secure attachment, right. So a secure relationship with ourselves helps us feel safe, you know, that safety... And it helps us identify… identify our thoughts, needs, feelings in the moment, and respond appropriate, appropriately. Not react. Respond appropriately, right.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JAHANVI: So, you know, that's just to give you, I mean, we went a lot more in details in part one, but I want to kind of recap about it, you know, where it's all developed and there is hope…

SAMIA: For sure, for sure. You know, we are all about learning to make change fun and easy. And in that context, we acknowledge that, yes, change is possible. And although you may be experiencing it as difficult right now, there are ways that we can learn to make it more fun and easy. There's more support that we can find and receive so that it begins to feel more fun and easy. And so, yeah, I'm so happy that we're getting to talk about this, because like I said before, even though we are primarily talking about it in the context of parents and children, as you alluded, it's also actually very relevant to our relationship with ourselves, and I think our other relationships as well. So, I'm so happy you're here…

JAHANVI: Yeah, yeah…

SAMIA: Yeah. So, you know, last time we not only delved more deeply into talking about, okay, well, there is this secure attachment that you described. That's the idea that we would all love to experience. And then there's, you know, degrees of, well, you don't get to have that in the context of the other attachment styles. So we, I mean, we talked through some of the challenges that people can experience in the context of having those other kinds of attachment styles and experiencing those kinds of attachment styles. And I was hoping, like, today we could really sort of focus on talking about, well, how do we develop this more secure attachment style? First of all, like you said, Jahanvi, in our own relationship with ourselves, and then starting to emanate that out in our other relationships. So what... Just… Yeah, tell me more. Tell me more... Yeah.

JAHANVI: Yes, it always starts with us, right? It always starts with us… with parenting… through parenting I learned that myself. You know, in my other relationship, I didn't learn it, but you know, when I became a mom, you know, when I was, you know, getting triggered left and right with my daughter, that was a wake-up call for me. That, "Hey, maybe, maybe just there is a one percentage it's not my daughter, it's me who needs to shift", you know… my expectation of her cooperation, listening to me and doing the right thing, being disciplined, all those things. Yes, that's all good. And we want to teach our children, but it starts here first. And then it's going to just flow out into the world in all your relationships. So the first piece we have to do in this process is we have to know our own story. If you don't know yourself, you're going to play out your story in ways that are unconscious and are confusing even, right. We have to put in… we have got to put in that work to reflect on our childhood attachment relationships. And you cannot just think about it. I'm sorry, you can just think about it. We have to feel it. I remember one of my coaches told me once, “feel it to heal it”. I still remember that. I know for days I put it on my refrigerator and now it's just ingrained in me. Feel it to heal it, you know, you have to be able to put that emotional process to it. You know, like, what did it feel? What did it feel like in my own story? And I'll share like in my own story, my mom… my mom is a wonderful person and she did the best she could, but she tried to give us what she didn't have… and didn't have the opportunity to heal her trauma and do her own work. So really there was a pattern of being less available emotionally than available. So I developed this hyper-vigilant, right. And a role of a caretaker of her emotions, her emotional needs. And what happened with that Samia, it created in me this ambivalent pattern of being hyper-vigilant, of wanting more, more, more and more validation from people in order to feel secure within me and never really feeling secure even, even when people were offering that validation to me. I mean, believe it or not, I still, I still… this still sucks me in a lot of times. Like, you know, I just had something happen last month, last year, and it took me almost a year to heal over that because this is so ingrained in us… for me it was where I'm just seeking validation in all my relationship because that makes me feel safe.

SAMIA:  Yeah.

JAHANVI: So it's really interesting when you learn about your story, you have better. So awareness is the first step, right. You have to be curious about how they, how we grew up and, and then, you know, we want to learn about our spouses and our children, our own parents and our own relationship, about their stories, you know, getting curious, like, you know, what is their story here? You know, where is this all coming from? And also on the side note, I just thought of something… In our own stories, it's not just our early attachment stories. I just want to point that out because it's also the other relationship that we develop later on also. So you can really, let's say, have a most secure childhood and you can end up with someone who's really abusive to you later in life. And then that can really rewire your brain to be a little bit on edge or more fight-flight related than it used to be, or vice versa, where you have an amazing partner who's really good to you and, you know, and it really helps you heal from your childhood, you know, attachment.

SAMIA: Yes. You know, what you were just sharing was making me think about my own experiences in my relationships. And particularly you made me think about me and my mom. I mean, my mom has been one of the most defining and central relationships in my life, and one of the most consistently there relationships. I mean, that in the sense that, you know, my family has moved around a fair bit, and so there have been lots of people who have come into my life, but also then just been left behind every time our family made a move. But my mom has always been there, you know, and so it makes sense obviously that, you know, she's been an extremely important presence in, in my life. And you know, one of the things that I was thinking about in terms of attachment styles and, you know, and I… like our experience… like, thinking about what was our, what was my experience growing up as a child. And so on the one hand, with my mom, I experienced lots and lots of love and care. She just showered so much love and care on me in so many different ways. And if I think of like, maybe one challenge that I experienced was this feeling of needing to be vigilant, but in a different sense than what you were talking about, Jahanvi. Because, like, with my mom, she was always very concerned about safety and our safety. And so she was always looking out for, like, what might go wrong and how she can keep us safe. And I learned that from her also. I mean, there were many reasons other than learning that from her because of which I didn't feel safe myself. But the point was that I learned to become hyper-vigilant as a way to help me feel safe. Like, in terms of always being on the lookout of what could get me in trouble and then doing everything I could to keep myself safe. And a lot of times that meant just containing my world into a much smaller space, like, I would like actually… Well, until I was in college, I had very few relationships that I even tried to create and maintain. Like, I actually really struggled to have any friends at all. But there were like so many fears of different kinds and, you know, when I thought about wanting to create a friend, new friend, I was just so inhibited, like, with so many fears that I really couldn't get around to making any friends. And so then I would just redouble my… just spending time with my family, like my brother, my sister, my parents. I was like, that's it. And then, you know, you're like, I don't even need anyone else. But really, it wasn't that, that I didn't need or want anyone else, but it was just that reaction because I was struggling so much to actually create other friendships because I struggled to be vulnerable. I struggle to be real, you know, with other people and so on, so forth. And so it's just... And as I have been working on, you know, my own healing and learning to actually make friends and making friends and stepping out more into doing different things in the world, you know, I often still feel that pull of old memories and old habits where the fears can come in and be like, no, no, be careful, play safe, you know, take smaller steps. Don't take so much risk, you know. And so that was like, what is coming to me.

JAHANVI: Yeah, no, I totally get that. It's hard, like when you have over protective parent who means well. But you know, how now you recognize that that brought you so many… it didn't allow you to be yourself. It didn't allow you to create friendships. You were always careful, like in your brain probably. You said, hey, it's better to not have friendship, that have friendship and then have a heartbreak, you know, afterwards. So it's better to keep myself safer than involved. And family for you, at least you had family where you felt safety, where you felt like, okay, I can be in this space and feel safe enough. But yeah, it didn't let you expand and evolve as, you know, what maybe you were meant to do. But it's great you have this awareness now that this is where it came from and now you can shift. It's not like knowing it and then feeling miserable about it that, hey, you know, I lost all these years, but, hey, now I know what can I change now? What can I do things differently now? Because this is not me. This is not my authentic, you know… this is not me, my true essence. So now I know that and it's such a fresh breath of air. And now I can rewrite my stories.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah. And you know, it's like also, you know, when you were sharing about being aware of not just your own story and experiences, but also being aware of like, you know, since we're talking about parents, being more aware of our parents stories. And so as I've grown up, obviously, you know, it has given me the opportunity to learn more of my mom's struggles and her stories. And now that I know more of what she experienced, I can totally see why she struggled with the fears that she struggled with. And there was definitely some of that experience that she had where, you know, she had actually amazing parents… my grandparents... I was, I've been lucky enough that I got to grow up with them. They're no more with us. But you know, I had many wonderful years to spend as a child with them. But you know, like, for my mom, a lot of the… like, what she says is like after she got married, you know, and she actually moved to live with my dad with and his family, she was like, first of all, she moved countries because my mom's from Pakistan, dad's from India. So first of all she moved countries to go be with my dad. And so she was in a different cultural context and there was just a very different dynamic that my dad's family had than what my mom had experienced. And she was like, I received so many shocks in terms of both at a broader cultural level, but within the context of her relationships with her in laws where there was a lot more harshness that she experienced, there was a lot more, you know, like, just negative drama. And so as she was, you know, experiencing this phase in her life where new relationships were entering and so forth, you know, that there was, you know, this experience of difficult relationships that she had entered into her life that she had never had to deal with before... so that made her feel afraid in her own way with expanding into and exploring and building new relationships, you know…

JAHANVI: That makes sense, that makes total sense, you know, where it's all coming from. You know, she did what she needed to do to keep her safe, you know, keep herself safer, protect herself and survive, right. Like, she was in survival mode in a lot of years of her life. So she did, what she could. And that's the pattern she developed with her circumstances and you know… Now so like, it's so interesting like, like understanding her story, what happened in their world that shaped their ability or their lack of ability for relating in safe, secure ways… And you could have so much more compassion and grace towards, you know, our parents or, you know, anyone, right, in our lives. So it's so helpful, like, you know, to low, like, "Ah, now I get it. Now I get it, why it's so hard for you to stay tender when I talk to you about my emotions." Right? Like, I understand that now. I have compassion for that. And I'm going to ask you... Like, I'm talking about my spouse as I'm saying this. Like, you know, now I'm going to ask you to grow so we can take better care of each other, right. Like the parent-child dynamic, it will be different like for, from like adult child and a parent. But if parents are willing to, you know, grow, I mean, nothing like it, you know, if they're willing to put in... It's never too late. It's never too late. I know in our culture, it's, it's like, hey, after I pass certain age, that's it. Like, I cannot change. You know, this is set in stone now…

SAMIA: Yeah.

 JAHANVI: And it's hard, you know, at this age I can't do that… but it's possible. Like I have seen, you need the willingness and intention, and anything is possible.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. I don't know what it is about… because I know what you're talking about… in our culture, people having this mindset of like, after a certain age, just believing that, you know, this is it. Like, you know, you don't even think change for you is possible and therefore not even striving for it. Whereas, you know, I must say that this is one of the things that we have found to be very different after we moved to America… like, after we moved to America, you know, we came here to Los Angeles more specifically because we already had some extended family here. And actually one of the family members that we had over here, because of whom we came, was my mom's aunt. And like she's my mom's actual aunt, but I call her, or think of her as my grandmother. So I'm gonna call her grandmother. My grandmother here; she came to America in the 80s. And so by the time we came here in the early 2000s, she had already been living here over 20 years. And, like, my mom remembered her from, you know, when she was much younger and they all used to live together in Pakistan. And after she came and got reacquainted in some ways with her aunt here in America, my mom was like, wow, she's such a different person than she used to be in so many different ways. And it was, like, an actually, like, for my mom… she just kept remarking on, oh, my aunt is different than this way over here. And she's different in that way over here…

JAHANVI: Wow. Yeah.

SAMIA: And I think it really encouraged her to also try on different things… like over here my mom, she enrolled to take classes in community college. I mean, not a whole lot… the classes were related to basically how to take better care of, like, people with disabilities because my brother has a disability. And so my mom was encouraged actually by my grandmother's example to be like, oh, yeah, you know, like, I shouldn't assume that we can just learn everything we need to learn by just, you know, like, within the context of like, learning from family. It's like there's a value to going to learn about such things, like, taking a class in college.

JAHANVI: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

SAMIA: And yeah. So that was something that I was like, yay... I was so happy when my mom took those classes because she went and she made so many friends. And even after the classes were over, you know, she had her friends from class continuing to come meet with her and so forth, and it created a huge difference in her life.

JAHANVI: Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Like, when you open up, it's, there's so much, so much possibilities, you know, like, you don't even know... I'm sure a part of her she didn't even know existed that could feel that joy and friendships and all that. And she got that in her life that probably she didn’t experience ever before. So that's so beautiful. Thank you for sharing that story. Yeah.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JAHANVI: Change is possible. You know, it's just taking one tiny steps at a time. You don't have to take a huge leap. Just little steps could still, you know, do the... move the needle. But yeah, so it's so nice to knowing our loved one stories, our story first and then our loved ones. And then the next step, Samia, is to, you know, like to really… We're looking at the... And then we're exploring. Right now, what we're looking at is the process of demolition and repairs, so identifying basically the maladaptive patterns that we're engaged in and then beginning to demo them. So for me, in my attachment process, I'll tell you, that was really starting to recognize with my husband that, oh, I'm needing that constant data. I'm not actually absorbing that data. So my negative pattern is that I want to be reassured and I'm not actually internalizing that love, that support, that encouragement. And so I need to learn how to let that stuff in and not just constantly reach for the next assurance or reassurance. You know, it was such a wake-up call for me that, "Ah, this is what's happening with me in my marriage". You know, like, it was, it was such a wake-up call for me. So like it's so interesting. Everything I learned in my parenting then I applied in my marriage… It was such a, such a huge shift. But then, you know, we start writing the secure stories, right. Like we want to, like what's been done is great, getting that awareness and now how can we rewrite those stories, right. So it's going to be such a beautiful journey. Sometimes it's going to be extremely hard because feeling our feels is not easy because we'll never learn how to do that from the get-go. Maybe our next generation will be more flowy with that because we have broken large generational patterns. But you know, we've developed into this pattern now. You know, you're going to need to develop this new pattern. So you know, it's going to take some time. But you know, through curiosity, you know, through a lot of questioning and… not questioning in the sense in a criticizing way, but getting curious. Let's, you know… I got curious about my partner. Like, you know, I'm, you know, that I'm doing the work not to jump to conclusions about why you're doing that or why you're not doing that... You know, I'm doing the work to make sure that, you know, that you're, you know, we want to do the work so we're in charge of defining our intentions, you know. I'll still say to my husband that "Hey, this is what you're doing or this thing you're not doing is having an impact on me and I'm going to hold curiosity for you. Can you help me understand what's going on for you?" Because I want to know what's behind all of this, what's behind the surface of all that's happening. And I'm sharing with you how it's impacting me because it might impact me differently if I understand it differently, right... You offer them curiosity piece. And I think we miss that in lot of our relationship, with our children, with our partners, with, or any close relationships. Like we go, we just look at the behavior of our children…

 

SAMIA: Yes…

JAHANVI: …and we come to conclusion they are misbehaving, or they're miss… disrespecting me, or, hey, my husband doesn't get me. He's just throwing tantrums left and right.

SAMIA: Yes…

JAHANVI: ..but we're not looking beneath the iceberg, right. We're not looking at the iceberg, so…

SAMIA: Oh.

JAHANVI: …yeah.

SAMIA: So true. And you know, what you just made me think of, Jahanvi, is I recently had this experience in a different… in a context of... So I was actually chairing a city committee meeting... I, among other things, I volunteer for my city's Equity and Human Relations Advisory Committee. And we, you know, had this particular meeting. We had, like, maybe 30, 40 different people who showed up, and they were doing public comment. And they were, actually, what they were asking for from us through public comment was that we organized a dialogue within the community because there's some conflict that we're experiencing in the city on an issue I won't get into right now, because that'll just take us off on a whole different tangent. But the point is, the citizens were petitioning us to hold a dialogue on an issue that is definitely sensitive. And it's been creating a fair amount of tension in the city. And some of them expressed what they were needing and wanting with emotion. And some of those emotions that they were expressing were definitely, you know… there was a lot of distress, a lot of frustration, and some of them were even angry. It's, you know... And like, from me, from, like, my perspective, that's what I was seeing, and that's what I was understanding. And I was like, okay, here's a people who... I mean, they were literally saying, we're not feeling heard. We're feeling like we're being ignored. We're feeling like no one cares about what we need and what we're suffering, and so forth. And I'm like, okay, so here's a people who are like, literally crying out for help, crying out for compassion, crying out for understanding and asking us to do something about it... And so, you know… that understanding or that perspective on what I was seeing/hearing put me in my compassion mode. I was like, you know… and I was very inclined to respond with said compassion. And like, I didn't... Like, I didn't... the thought of, oh, they're being offensive or they're being difficult, or… like, those thoughts didn't even enter my mind. But what happened is that there were other people, obviously, I wasn't the only person on our committee. And there was also, you know... So there were some other people who were, you know, on my end of the… like part of the committee and staff and so forth. And some of them were actually, turned out, feeling like we were being attacked. Like the public, members of the public, that they were like, don't be rude, don't use profanity. Don't, you know… be quiet, you know, don't interrupt... And you know, like and then it was… I got a little bit of... This didn't happen during the meeting itself, but afterwards I had some members from staff and other committee members who were like, Samia, you know, like, you as chair are responsible for maintaining discipline and decorum at the meetings and we feel that you didn't do as good a job as you should have, you know, because when this person said this, why didn't you stop them from, you know, using XYZ language or when this person did that, why didn't you like, tell them to be quiet? etc... And I was like, you know, I did and said everything that I felt needed to be said when it needed to be said. And I'm honestly telling you, like, I did not... these examples that you're giving me of when I should have done this and when I should have that, I truly did not see a need to do that. And I didn't even want to do that because like what I said, what… it's like what you're asking me to do is to respond to these people with a certain level of harshness and, you know, with this attitude of we're going to be, you know, like, so strictly following these rules that we have decided upon and just, you know, be more… and it's just like be offended that this rule wasn't followed, you know, and so forth. And then, you know, because you get offended that the rule wasn't followed then, you know, it's just kind of, you know… then you end up feeling angry and you yourself are feeling, you know, frustration at how badly the public is behaving and you know, like that kind of thing. And it's just... But so if the public is feeling what the public is feeling, but then we have this interpretation of what the public is doing that is, you know, oh, they're being disruptive, they're being bad, etc, that… where… then we lose, we begin to lose the possibilities of creating…

JAHANVI: ...therefore in the first place, right?

SAMIA: Yes.

JAHANVI: Yeah, exactly. That's true. Like, we get so much involved in our egos and correcting and criticizing people that we completely miss the boat of what actually needs to happen. And it gets… Yeah, for… So I think we in society, I see a lot of what you, the example you gave me, like lack of having those skills, those non-violent communication skills. We don't know how to do, you know, non-violent communication. We don't know how to have empowered conversations. We don't have those skills. It's either, you know, by force, by hook or crook kind of a thing. You know, I'm going to get my way. And that kind of comes into relationships too... Like, this is, you know, we know like in our work industry it's very normal, it's very common. But even when we see it coming into families and between parent-child relationships. and between, you know, between spouse, partners… it's like, you know, it's like we're seeing it everywhere and it's because lack of having those skills, you know, we don't know how to communicate. Have you heard of about Michael Rosenberg, non-violent communication?

SAMIA: Yes, yes... Actually I'm so happy you mentioned, mentioned him and his work… framework of non-violent communication because I was actually wanting to talk to you about that… because I know they have, I mean there's a framework for non-violent communication in general, but then they have done, you know, applications of it for different specific contexts. So I know, for example, they have written books on parenting using non-violent communication and applying it in many other contexts as well. And one of the things that really struck me when I think about non-violent communication is… and you know, this is also like a huge issue that I see, that I don't think people always realize that there's a problem where on the surface of things actually… like, especially in the context of the professional world, like when we're, when I'm, you know, in for example, dealing with city business… there is a very… there is a standard of professionalism that you're expected to maintain and that people do maintain. And that standard of professionalism requires you, for example, to maintain a certain tone of voice and not be shouting at each other and, you know, things like that. I mean, so that on the surface there is like a… there's a sense of, okay, there's decorum, there is restraint, there is… people are treating each other in a proper way, which is considered a good way. But I think what people often miss is that, that's just like... and in so far as that helps maintain a peace in our interaction, it's a very surface-level peace because underneath that presentation of decorum and restraint, there is just so much blaming and judging and just negative emotion that's there... And in non-violent communication, you know, there's so much emphasis on… no, you don't just behave in a nonviolent way, but you also have to think and feel non-violence. Like, if you're blaming and shaming and judging, that's a violent way of thinking and feeling…

JAHANVI: ..not just about physical violence. It's emotional violence as well.

SAMIA: Exactly, exactly. It's mental, emotional violence. And a lot of people don't realize that. They don't even recognize that as being a form of violence.

JAHANVI: Yeah, I mean, I had one parent when I mentioned them about non-violent communication, Dr. Rosenberg's book, she's like, but I don't hit my child... Yes, that's great. You don't hit your child, but you cannot damage child's... It's not just physical hurt. It's the psychological hurt also damages child. So you may be physically not hurting them, but if you're emotionally not available for your child, it's equally, maybe more deeper level of…

SAMIA: Yes.

JAHANVI: It just gets such ingrained in their psyche. And a lot of times, like, you know, I don't… like, you know, spanking and all, it was norm... It's not that normal. Still. It is to certain extent… but I know growing up in my culture, in our culture, there was like, spanking is not a big. It's part of the culture, part of growing up. You get beaten up, right. But somewhere down the road, it just... It subconsciously, if not consciously, it remains in your psyche. You know, I had a dad come to me that, hey, I was beaten up and I turned out well, right. That was his argument... I'm like, you know, when we got deeper into the conversation, we learn how he unknowingly, every other week, beating up his own wife. And, you know, it was like… it was a pattern that he didn't even realize happening, you know, with him as well. And because of that violence in the house and how it was impacting the children… and the children, then one day he saw his son, you know, beating up another child, and he's like, hey, you don't, you know, he also beat him up because he beat up the child to teach him not to beat. I'm like, teaching your child not to beat another child by beating? I mean, think about it. Does it makes sense, right? Like, we don't think about it. But yeah. What you're saying, yeah, it's emotionally, it's like, gosh, it damages you so badly for sure.

SAMIA: Yes. You know, the example Jahanvi, that you just shared of the dad beating his child to teach him not to beat the other child… you know, I actually… that was, you know, like, made me think about again, you know, what I was saying a little bit earlier, that, you know, in society we have been taught to, especially in the context of our public interactions, professional interactions, to maintain this kind of surface level at least, persona of professionalism, of non-violent behavior. And so it's like when you beat your child to teach them not to beat another child, what you're really teaching them is, you know, when you're in public, when you're dealing with other people, you need to maintain a certain, you know, level of niceness in how you treat other people. But when, you know, we're, you know, within a more intimate context and you know... then, you know, it's okay for… then, you know, we get to behave in a different way. Then we get to behave in a way that perhaps we are really feeling in terms of, like, expressing the anger that we're feeling and etc... And it may not be the most healthy expression, but a lot of people feel like, you know, that these personal relationships are where they get to take that anger out and… because they're not allowed to do it anywhere else, you know.

JAHANVI: Which reminds me of a story, my personal, oh, very personal story. I don't know if I shared with you, maybe I did it with Dr. Rani. But I... Long story short, like I was, you know, at work, I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. Somebody must have disrespected me, said something, but I didn't know how to stand up for myself back then. And I remember holding on to those emotions… kind of shoving it under the rug and moving on with the day like nothing happened. And then I come home, my child is not obeying me, not doing what I asked her off doing and not listening to me. And that anger that I didn't let out in a healthier way and just shoved it down came out on this little child who is weaker than that person, right. Like I, not that I should have lashed out at that person, but I should have processed my emotions… but I didn't know what to do with my emotions. I didn't feel them... So I put it all on my little child that night. I remember… and that pivotal moment that happened with my child, that's when it actually, that was the story... That's my story that changed everything. That was the night I told, you know, that's it. But yeah, I totally relate to that. We don't know how to deal with, you know, the upper figure. Like, yeah, something happened with our boss and we're not gonna say anything because, hey, maybe out of respect, maybe because we don't know how to have those communication, we don't have those communications, we put it on our loved ones or where we feel more secure.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JAHANVI: On to whoever comes in front of us in our homes, you know, household.

Which is sad, you know, it's not their fault. It wasn't my daughter's fault. I lashed out on her… and because I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, I didn't know how to do better communication. So…

SAMIA: Yeah, so let's shift to talking about, well, so much of the problems that we face because we don't know how to communicate better and so forth... So can you share with us some tools, some ways for better communication and the like?

JAHANVI: Absolutely, I would love to. As we were talking, we started this conversation about how to, how we can shift it to a secure attachment style and began by saying, you need to get to know your story and then rewriting those stories and then getting to know your loved one stories and helping them rewrite their stories. That's a process... It's not going to happen overnight as we know. But along the way I wanted to leave the audience with yes, some tools that they can start doing it as they are learning about their stories. So with, you know, any triggers, anything that happens, getting curious about it, right. But along the way you can, what you can do is, you can… I want to actually invite your audience to make and keep one, one small tiny promise to themselves today in order to build that secure attachment is… you know, I gently want to invite you to learn to how to secure with yourself. The journey begins with us, as we said, and a lot of us, including myself, have learned to betray ourselves, right. To please or calm others or neglect our own feelings and needs in order to keep others happy or not knowing how to communicate… like, in my case, that happened too. So by making and keeping this one promise to ourselves, we can rebuild our own self trust and confidence in order to create the secure attachment. It's so important to pay attention to us… so we have to be aware of our, number one, feelings. Number two, thoughts. And number three, needs. So today again, I want to invite you all to make this small promise to yourself to take just three pauses a day… and this is going to become like an ongoing, like, more fluent... But in the beginning I want you to start practicing by maybe setting up an alarm three times a day where you… It's going to just take you two minutes but… and just literally, you know, take those three pauses and what I call it is  S C I S. So it's self-check-ins... And this is what you're going to do during those S C I S, self-check-ins is naming it. So first question you're going to ask… how am I feeling physically? How am I feeling emotionally? What are my thoughts right now? And what am I needing right now? So again, what am I feeling physically? What am I feeling emotionally? What are my thoughts right now? And what am I needing right now? Something very simple and straight to the point. But I really invite you to take just three pauses in a day, three times a day. That will tremendously help you become more aware of your feelings, your thoughts, your needs in the moment, which we tend to ignore it most of the times. And then the next step here is to validate in response to your thoughts, feelings and needs. So I'll give you a quick example... Let's do it right now. Like, for instance, what am I feeling right now? Okay, I'm feeling thirsty. So physically I'm feeling thirsty... What am I feeling emotionally? I'm feeling very excited because I'm doing this and this is my favorite topic. So that's my feeling excitement… and physically I think I'm feeling also thirsty and little tired. I didn't sleep well last night. My son woke up. So tiredness, a little bit of hunger, a little bit of thirst, and excitement. And then my thought is like, you know, my son didn't sleep well, so I didn't get to sleep well. Okay, I need some water. So actually I'm going to get some water right now... Like, we ignore these simple things, right? Like, we like simple going to the restroom, going drinking water. Like, our biological needs get ignored so much. And so being aware of it and I know I'm needing some sleep. So after we are done here, even though I have so much work to do, I will take a pause, I'm going to take that nap that's much needed and I know I'm going to be much more productive afterwards. So like pausing and realizing your biological need, your emotional need, your thought process and what you're needing, it's so, so, so, so, so critical... And I'll tell you, the other day my husband was… got so angry and now that I'm understanding his story, like, I knew he was not angry. He was “hangry”, food... But we are so biologically, you know, within ourselves, so disconnected that we don't, you know… and it's simple as, hey, if, if we would have conversation after he had some lunch, it would have gone so much more smoother. But I recognized, I said, hey, let's grab something to eat before we continue with this conversation. And bingo, that's what he needed. So I recognize that for him. And now I think he's getting more aware of it after so many instances like this. Like, my daughter said, papa is angry, hangry, so let's get some food... Like, my daughter even knows now. So, so I think… take three pauses. Something so simple, guys. But it's going to make tremendous difference in your daily life with your children, with your relationship, with your work. You're going to be much more productive. Like, I know the old me would have gone straight without that nap that I'm planning on taking. And I would have been miserable by the time my kids get home. And I'm going to be lashing out at them because, because I'm sleep deprived, I'm hungry maybe, I didn't look after myself. So now I'm putting it all on them, which is not fair to them. So, we'll leave you with those… something very simple and you can start doing today.

SAMIA: Yes. Oh, thank you so much for that, Jahanvi. Because I think what you're… I think a lot of us, we don't realize actually just how deeply connected our thoughts and feelings and needs are. And, you know, even like, I know like for me, for a long time, I used to… like, you know, when I once I started on learning about emotional wellness and healing and so forth, even then for a while, I didn't recognize the connection between how I'm feeling physically and how I'm feeling mentally and emotionally. You know, so it, so the fact that you just made us aware of checking in at these four levels, I think is so key. And I want to just, you know, highlight for people that it's not just that you are checking these four levels of how you're doing... Physical, emotional, thoughts and needs… the thing is that they're all connected with each other. What you're thinking has a direct impact on how you're feeling, and how you're thinking and feeling has a direct impact on… and is impacted by, you know, like, how you may be feeling or experiencing things at a physical level and what you're needing. It's all kind of like connected with each other.

JAHANVI: Yes, yes. Totally. Yes…

SAMIA: Yeah.

JAHANVI: So this secure attachment with self is where it all starts…

SAMIA: Yes, yes. And you so beautifully showed us how by starting with this practice with yourself, you can then begin to expand it out into your other relationships as well… Really, really awesome... Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

JAHANVI: Thank you for allowing me. Thank you.

SAMIA: Yes. Okay, so even though I have lots more that I want to talk with you about, I will resist that temptation right now just because of time constraints. And my last reminder to our audience is just to please make sure you check the show notes, because we will be dropping Jahanvi's links in there so you can connect with her and continue to learn with her. And until we connect next time, I wish you lots and lots of peace and joy. :)

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Samia Bano, Happiness Expert

Samia Bano is the #HappinessExpert, author, speaker, podcaster & coach for coaches and healers. Samia is most known for her book, 'Make Change Fun and Easy' and her #podcast of the same name. With the help of her signature Follow Your Heart Process™, a unique combination of #PositivePsychology and the spiritual wisdom of our most effective #ChangeMakers, Samia helps you overcome #LimitingBeliefs, your chains of fear, to develop a #PositiveMindset and create the impact and income you desire with fun and ease… Samia’s advanced signature programs include the Happiness 101 Class and the Transformative Action Training. Samia is also a Certified #ReikiHealer and Crisis Counselor working to promote #MentalHealthAwareness. Samia models #HeartCenteredLeadership and business that is both #SociallyResponsible and #EnvironmentallyFriendly. Samia is a practicing #Muslim with an inter-spiritual approach. As someone who has a love and appreciation for diversity, she is a #BridgeBuilder between people of different faiths and cultures. Although Samia currently lives in California, USA, she has lived in 3 other countries and speaks Hindi, Urdu, and English fluently.

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