Roots and Wings: A Parent’s Guide to Grounded Independence.

Roots and Wings: A Parent’s Guide to Grounded Independence. Glenda Kroll & Samia Bano

Kids don't come with instruction manuals, but that doesn't mean you have to figure out #parentingchallenges all by yourself!

Listen now to this interview with Glenda Kroll, #LifeCoach, #Mom & Reinvention Specialist, for #ParentingWisdom on how to give your children #rootsandwings so they grow into #confidentandcaring adults.

Plus: We talk about Parenting Against #PeerPressure! Learn how to maintain #familyvalues in the face of societal pressures by #sayingno and teaching your children about #boundaries, #selfrespect, and the importance of not always fitting in.

Download Glenda's FREE e-book on parenting now! https://bit.ly/EmpowerParentingSkills

To learn more and connect with Glenda, visit: www.glendakroll.com

To Book your Free HAPPINESS 101 EXPLORATION CALL with Samia, click: https://my.timetrade.com/book/JX9XJ

#parentingtips #parentingadvice #momwisdom #ConfidentKids #confidentkidsarehappykids #caringkids #parentingtipsandadvice #ChallengesAndGrowth #LifeLessons #PositiveParenting

Here's the audio version of this episode:

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Full Video Transcript

SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, and Privet... And Mabuhay! It's really, really good to be with you again. And I know you'll be so happy you're joining us today because we have a very special guest with us, and it's Glenda Kroll, who is a Life Coach and Reinvention Specialist. Ah! Can't wait to hear more from you, Glenda, and welcome…

GLENDA: Thank you so much for asking me to come here, and I am so pleased and honored to be here and being here to connect up with you and your people... Thank you so much.

SAMIA: Absolutely. And Glenda, please tell us more about who you are and what you do?

GLENDA: So, first of all, I'm coming to you today from Toronto, Canada, and that's where home is for me. I have been very fortunate to travel the world and meet people all through the world. And I have this thing in me that I just love to help people. And it's come from the very beginning of my life. And that is why I want to tell a little bit about my story so people can understand that I wasn't just the average soul who was born into an average family. My parents were both working people that owned a retail store. So both of my parents were working, you know, basically, you know, when you own your own business seven days a week. And I come from being the youngest of four kids, and I have two brothers that have special needs. So I grew up very quickly, never really being able to be the baby of the family. I actually turned into being more of the eldest in the family at a very young age. And I learned a lot from my siblings who had special needs. So, you know, the old story is, you never know who your teacher is. The teacher appears when the student is ready. Well, so much of my life, that's what it's been about… of being the student. And teachers in my life have come in all sorts of ages and shapes and sizes. And I was very, even at a young age, very much a person that watched… and I watched with respect of whoever it was. So my learnings came at a very young age. And as I grew, I was an old soul, so I grew, because... As I watched, even my siblings who had major amounts of challenges, I always had a way of my own ways of teaching others about moving forward and becoming stronger in their own being. So that's where I started out in my life. And so the teacher aspect of me, the understanding of people with special needs, the understanding of people who couldn't do what the average person did out there… I became very much a person with advocate for people who were more challenged with life… it became more of struggles to do even the simplest things. So I end up having more compassion, empathy, understanding, and respect of people than, you know, especially as, even as a young child… very differently. Right.

SAMIA: That's amazing. And I can relate to your story there. I also have a brother who has a severe disability. And I think I was around maybe 14-15 years old when I made more of a conscious decision to become an active caretaker for him. Prior to that, of course, because we lived together, I was always as just a member of the family, aware of what his needs were. And I did what I could as a sister to help. But my mom was the primary caregiver, and I was just kind of like the person helping out when I could on the side, as it were. But when I was in my teens, that is when, you know, our family was going through some tough times. And my brother actually had an accident, which for anyone else would have been a relatively small thing. He just fell down, like, literally just tripped and fell. But because of his condition, you know, it got very complicated. And then he ended up in a wheelchair, and he has never been able to walk or even stand on his own since, you know… And so that was the time when it really, like, for me, it was decision time that, am I going to step up and do more to help my brother and my mom... Because she was trying to handle everything by herself at that time. And I must say I have learned so much from being there for my brother and helping him out. And then after I was helping him, I got the opportunity to start taking care of my grandmother and then my other grandmother. And, you know, so it's like I've been caregiving now for most of my life as well. And definitely, definitely, I agree with you… I'm also much more compassionate and empathetic person as a result of that.

GLENDA: And that's exactly what ends up happening, right... So myself as, as well, from a young child, you know, my parents had a business, you know, so when I came home, it was, the chores had to be done. You have to start making dinner right away. My brothers didn't do any of these things. I think my mother was very much overprotective. And when I got older and I looked at life a little differently and also having children of my own, I sat back and really understood where she came from… because once you're a mom, you see things differently. But you know, as for myself, most of my life, my dad passed away at a very young age. He was 62, and he died of colon cancer. And we had a lot of things that happened in our household as well. My brother, one of my brothers, was in a major car accident, and it was in the midst of, well, my father was dying. So I… by that point in time, I was already married, and I stepped up to the plate right away and had to really be there. My mother was always the sole caregiver, but running a business at the same time was really hard. So as being, you know, in the household, it was just part of the things you did, you know… you didn't think anything else of it. It was, things had to be done in the house, and when nobody else's home were able to do it, you just step up and you do it. And you didn't feel sorry for yourself. You didn't have any of these things. You know, you knew your parents were out working and they needed to work to bring them, you know, the, you know, to bring home the food and clothing and all the rest, four kids and, you know, it's, it's, it's a lot... And, you know, we were told when times were good, we could have and do, but when times weren't as good, business is bad, you pull back. And these were great lessons and the lessons that a lot of children aren't getting today. And it, it changes when you're growing up and you're being, you know, you're being taught when, you know, you know that, you know, sometimes your business is good and you can enjoy and you can celebrate and you can do, but when times that business isn't good, you are told that, you know, that you can't have and, you know, you don't feel like, as if you are hard done by. It's just, it just sort of comes as a pack. It's a fact of life. We just accepted it.

SAMIA: Yes. And to learn that when it comes to our happiness and being able to enjoy our lives, it doesn't have to be dependent on money. You know, it's like if the money is a little short for some time, that's just fine... You find other, other ways and other things to, things focus on so that you are still able to be happy and content and very much continue to enjoy your life as well.

GLENDA: Right. You know, when, as long as, you know, for, as a child, you know, in my time, you know, we, we were able to, you know, it was safe... You could go outside, you could play. And I lived on a street that there were a lot of kids. And, you know, we, we lived in everybody's houses, but you, you went out onto the street and you played and you jump roped and did all the things. Well, that was part of the enjoyment of it, and you were relatively safe. We didn't even think about things like that back then. But you also didn't expect to have all the extra things in life. It was pretty much that you didn't need... You had a skipping rope, really something very simple as a skipping rope that brought you happiness… as your friends, you had chalk that you could make hopscotch on the road and on the sidewalks... So you found your own way to find happiness and in contentment when you didn't have.... And I found that when I had kids, it became a little bit more of a challenging. We bought a home, and it was on a cul de sac, so it was nice. And they're all, again, a lot of young kids, and they're all the same ages, but, you know, we were blessed a little bit more that we were doing well in our life. But I came from that they didn't need all the extras. And even though that the other kids had, my kids would come and say, well, so and so has. And I would say, okay, well, you can enjoy what they have, but, you know, like, I'm not buying the motorized car. You have a bicycle, get some exercise. You know, you go out and use your bicycle. You know, you go outside and play... You know, it's like… and when we, when we turn around and we're not worried about what the Jones are doing and you are in… you feel comfortable in your own skin and your own decisions, because, you know, it's the decisions that will help your child to grow a little stronger and not always be to, you know, well, Johnny has, well, why can't I?

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: And it's. It's really good that, you know, parents have to learn that they have to be comfortable with the fact that you can say no to your child. Like, you know, there's certain things like, so as my kids were going, my parents never did this. They didn't give us allowances or things like that. Like, if we wanted something, you know, if we could afford it, we would… We would buy it within reason, of course. But I was never the one to be asking for lots. You know, I was very mindful of challenges that my parents had in their lives. So I actually, at a very young age, by the age of 16, I wanted to work… my parents and I battled a little bit because they just wanted me focusing on myself, on school, but I didn't enjoy taking money from my parents. I wanted to make my own. And so I went out and I got myself a job. And that was the start of my life. And it actually brought a lot of really great ways of… my career started actually doing from that because from that one job later, I came back to it again and I started a whole career through that. So it really brought up, you know, my confidence and, and learning to be, you know, that young woman who… all I need, all I knew in my life was to work hard... And, you know, it was... I didn't expect much. And I always got more than what I expected because I was just a hard worker. I didn't know anything but hard work.

SAMIA: Yeah. Yeah. So cool... Yeah.

GLENDA: So you start thinking in a different way.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: And, you know, so, you know, today we're going to talk a bit about parenting. And, you know, I think I've learned so much through… from looking back from where I came and then as I parented… my children are now both adults and both doing very well career, career-wise. And I'm really proud of the people that they become because they do…  They're both in careers where they are there helping others and working hard. And, you know, I'm not giving them, like, I've given them an education, which to me is something that for me is an important thing that might, that I believe if a parent can help… It's, you know, like I said to my children as they were going through school, that it's my pleasure to pay for it because I want them to come out not being in debt, to start out with having, either having a zero balance or a little bit of money in the bank, but not being in debt, at least you have a fair chance in life…                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       And, you know, and my kids, until they got up and going, they lived with me because that was part of the whole thing. My son is now a lawyer and I, you know, my kids are very respectful of listening, but, you know, through school, it was one of the things I saw his abilities. And when he had… was going through, you know, I highly suggested he told him he didn't want to be a lawyer, and I told him he didn't have to be a lawyer. I don't care about that. But a law degree would open more doors. And when I explain things… But before we get into that part of it, let's just talk about having communication with your kids.

SAMIA: Yes.

GLENDA: Talk about when they're little and giving them options.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah. You know, because that is a very, very important issue indeed. Because especially, like, when you were sharing about not getting into this mindset of competing with the Joneses and, you know, being able to say no to your kids... I see, like, a lot of parents struggling with that. And the kids also really struggle with being different, because as a kid, you're just trying to fit in. And so, you know, there is this huge pressure that you feel as a child to be the same, to have the same things, to dress in the same kind of ways that your peers are dressing, to eat the same kind of foods everyone else is eating etcetera... And when you are different, it makes things hard, and you could be different in many different ways and so many different... I know, because my family has moved around. I have been different from the kids around me in many different ways most of my life. And it definitely can be very challenging if you don't have a sense of being grounded in your own roots and a sense of confidence in your own identity. And so how do you even begin to help your kids develop that and communicate that to them? You know..

GLENDA: So, you know, it all starts with… there's a word that I use a lot of in my coaching, and the word is “being aware”. We have to become aware of everything around us. We got to even become aware about who we are and the person we are and our traits. We got to be aware of our strengths, our weaknesses, and it's all these things that we have to be aware of. So I found out at a very young age, when my kid was, you know, my son was a very even-tempered, easy child. It was like he was one of those push-button kids, like, he was... He did as he was told. I could go into a China shop with him, and I would say to him, his name is David. And I would say, now, David, you look at all the pretty things, but you're not allowed to touch. Just look... And he would listen, and it was so easy. And he was smart, and you could see the twinkle, and he asked questions, so a lot of these things. So it was very easy. But then I had this little girl that came. And my daughter, Jennifer, God bless her, was totally the opposite. She wanted to touch everything. “No”, didn't want to enter into her language. But what I learned at a very young age from when I saw them, that I had to parent them different. See? So, David, I could say no. And this is the reason why…

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: And he would accept it. But, Jennifer, if I said no, and this is the reason, she couldn't hear the reason why anymore, because by the time I was saying no, she was into a temper tantrum.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: So right then, as a very young child, I decided, oh, I can't do this. And what I started doing with her is… I realized I had to be different. So what I started with her is I started explaining the reason of my decision, and then I would tell her a yes or no. So she started to understand a lot more... Another thing is, as I was growing up, I was a very quisitive child. I needed to know everything. I wanted to understand why the wheel turned. I wanted to understand why it led, why the sky is blue, all the things. And I never stopped. And my parents didn't have the energies for me and put me a lot of times to the side. So what I learned from being that type of a child and not getting a lot of my answers was to answer my kids and to explain things to them. Because when you have a full explanation, then you can make sense of things. And I even went a step further, and I'll explain that in a minute. But it starts with talking to your children, not as if they're adults, but talking to them at their level, to what degree that they need to. So you know what? Kids do bad things, but we all do bad things... But instead of pointing out the bad, start working out what they're doing well. When we start pointing out the bad, we're putting more effort and concentration onto that negative side. So that becomes the whole thing. Like, it becomes what they start to understand. But when you stop looking at the bad and start saying how good they are, you know, even if they don't do well… if your kids are already in school and you're watching this and your kid is not doing well, then you need to start congratulating them for the fact that they go to school and that they went to that class, whatever level they're at.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: I don't agree on grades and all the rest. And I had challenges… because my kids were, again, at both different levels. My son, from day one, was, you know… that brilliance showed through.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: My daughter was more of the kid that had to work for what she got.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: And it starts with that one thing. Pick first of all, the good… even, no matter if there's a million things that are wrong, somewhere, somehow, there's something that they're doing, right.

SAMIA: Yes.

GLENDA: Whether it's choosing their own clothes, whether it's the fact that they even smiled, I don't care what it is. We all learn better when we start to see somebody telling us what we're doing well instead of what we're not doing wrong. Instead of choosing what we're doing wrong…

SAMIA: Yeah. And you know what? Also, like, in terms of how well you perform or not at school, this is like one of my… like, as a child growing up myself, the way that I got treated as a result of how I was performing in school and how I was treated in comparison to my brother and sister and my cousins… because most of my life growing, growing up, I was living in a joint family system, you know, so surrounded by my cousins and lots in addition to my siblings. And, you know, I'm half Indian, half Pakistani. And in our culture, if you are from my kind of a middle-class family, there's a lot of emphasis placed on education because we see that as the way to lift, you know, your family out of poverty and, you know, keep, you know, things good for the family and so on, so forth. But... you know, my problems, like, I actually have a very good brain. By the grace of God, I'm smart. But, you know, things happen in your life. There was a period in time when, when I was highly traumatized as a child. I went through things and I was highly traumatized, and my performance in school dropped. And it's like, if you don't understand, you know, and you're still, like, blaming your child or pushing them to fix the surface-level problem of why are your grades down? Versus trying to look at the, maybe, root causes of why the child may be struggling in school. And, you know, there are so many kids that I know the reason they're struggling in school is because they have some underlying struggle that no one's realizing… like, they could have… What's it called? The…

GLENDA: ADHD or something like that…

SAMIA: Yeah, ADHD. Or that other condition where… dyslexia... Am I saying that? Thinking of the…

GLENDA: Yeah, yeah…

SAMIA: Yeah. Or some, you know, other conditions that it doesn't mean that they cannot learn or that they're stupid. It just means that they need to learn in a different way. Their brain is just working differently than, you know, other kids. And so once that is recognized and if there are teachers who are educated and competent in terms of being able to help them learn in the different ways that their brain works, they start to perform brilliantly, you know. And so there are so many issues going on where, you know, your kid may not be performing well, but it's actually not their fault…

GLENDA: No, but what you can do as a parent, and I get that, you see, I as well did not do well in school. I, you know, I didn't get the attention because my parents were busy with my siblings and that, and, you know, I slacked off. And, you know, that's, you know, and I... And I was, you know, I was too smart for my own good, right? And it was later that I realized when I actually started taking a course and I became a paralegal when I struggled in school. And all of a sudden, I found my... One of, you know, my areas were I had my greatest strength is when I could read a legal document. I could read a ten-page document, and I would walk away and know everything in it. And I didn't, you know, all of a sudden, I'm going, wow, I didn't realize that I could do all that. So, you know, we do a lot of things. But what I started to do at a very young age, so we talked about the fact of, you know, I believe in giving children some form of allowance. And I'm not talking about great numbers. I'm talking about so that they can start learning to save and start learning that you... We all have desires. And instead of a child saying, I want, I want, I want, you know, if you give your child, okay, $5 a week, you know, depending on what level your family is at, but I'm saying a monetary amount, not, you know, and according to their age, too. And. But those come with responsibilities. You learn to start making your bed. You put away your toys. You know, you do certain things. If you do what you're told to do, you get some doing money that you can save up for something. So instead of the I want, I want, I want, you stop that I want, I want, and that child has to learn that, okay, this is what is. This is what it costs. And look at how long it's going to take you to save for that. So you're starting to teach lessons from the very beginning, and it's a great way. But there was one thing that I didn't make my children… I wouldn't allow them to buy was books. We started at a very young age that every single... My life was very much... It was... I did everything... Like, we had times for everything, right? So the nighttime, the routines. My life was very much routine. Children really do well on routines... So when it came to bedtime, it was, you know, you have your snack, you go, or you have bath, first bath, get in your pajamas, you have your snack, you brush your teeth. And then we read books. And every single night was a book we read. And at some points, you know, I would snuggle up in the middle with both of my kids and we would read stories together. Or sometimes as they got a little older, I would spend, you know, an hour with one. And as my son was a little older, he would be in his bed reading, and then I would come and join him and read to him. But I never… The books were... you never spent your money on books. Because the books is something I believed in. That was the key to start them, to start to read. And the reading is what opens doors in life. So when you start a child reading… see, I started the math because I started teaching them about saving and handling money, and I also started them on the reading. And when my daughter… my son was a very avid reader, and, you know, so I bought books and he devoured them, and it was my pleasure. My daughter struggled... So what I started doing was I looked and watched her struggling, and then I had that. This idea, which was the greatest one that I could think of for her, is instead of buying, let's see if she was at a grade one level or a grade two level, I buy a grade one book level. I bought something that was easy. Because it wasn't about just the reading, but it was a fact of the, of accomplishing of reading a book... So when you get that excitement that, wow, I've read a book or a series... and once you start going through and you're starting to read more and more, you become... you be able to build on your comprehension as well as the love of it. And from that, my kids became both very avid, strong readers, and that helped them all through life. Like, my son felt when he went through law school that it was nothing for him. And he ended up graduating in an honors, in honors program at one of the top universities in Toronto, because law is all about reading... so he consumed the books. And today he is a criminal defense lawyer. He's got to read and he's got to do all of his own research for every trial that he does. So you know, the reading isn't a difficult part. It's not just about reading, but it's comprehending what you're reading as well.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: So, you know, there's so many ways that we can encourage our child, because when you spend also that time on, with your children on a one on one and things like that, you can see if they're having struggles, you can see if they can read, if they can't read letters, if they're having problems moving things around…

SAMIA: Yeah. 

GLENDA: You also form that bond, and that bond starts at a very young age… so your child grows. The other thing that I'm trying to get as much in so that, because these are some really important lessons that I want parents to really look at is, you know, I had this idea and I started it with my kids at a very young age. And a lot of these things, I don't know where they came from. There was just ideas when I saw that I needed to get my children moving or get them connected and help them, you know, to build themselves up… was, you know, we talked about the yes and the no’s…. of being not afraid to, to say no to your child because your kid can't do everything, you know? And so when my kids were about, I would say starting to get about ten or so years old, I decided at one time is, you know, they would ask to do something and, you know, for the most part, you know, if it made sense or whatever, I would say yes. But there are times when I had to say no. So I explained to them about that. But I also came up with an idea for them which changed everything in my parenting. That, if it's something that is going to be hurtful for you, dangerous for you, then my answer is always going to be no. And I'm the parent and this is having respect for what I decide. But if something that you want to do and you feel that I'm being unfair by saying no to something that you really want, then you have to come back to me and explain to me why I should be changing my mind. You have to come with to me and explain why, why I need to be reassessing this situation. And it gave them the power of knowing that, first of all, they looked at things… Second of all, no didn't always mean no, because many times I would say, you know what, you got a good point. Okay. Yeah. Okay, I'll go with it. Yeah, you can do it... Because they made sense.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: So it started them thinking… you see, the whole idea about life is thinking outside the box…

SAMIA: Yes. No, that's really important. I think... No, I really appreciate this, what you're sharing that, you know, you allowed your kids to come back and reason with you. I think that's so important.

GLENDA: It teaches us a different form... Like in any relationship, it's not my way or the highway…

SAMIA: Yes…

GLENDA: How do you... how… like, the best negotiations is when they, when you both win. Well, if you start learning to negotiate at an early age, you will be a much more successful person because, you know, it's not always going to be… its, a, it's not always your way, but if you can think of a way to build your, build your case, sort of say, then why not?

SAMIA: Yes... Yes. Yeah. You know... You know, I must say that in our traditional Indian Pakistani culture, this is something that I struggled with as a young person, because in our culture, there is this... At least if you are in a more traditional kind of family that I was in, you know, there is this expectation of, you hear and you obey. Like, my grandmother had this saying that was sort of drilled into my mom, and then my mom actually had a somewhat easier attitude with me than my grandmother did with her. But my grandmother would say, never ask me why, just do or die... So, you know, and that was an expectation, you know, that it wasn't just about my grandmother as an individual person, but really, that was a cultural expectation that everyone around us was sort of expected to live by, that you listen to your elders, you don't question them. And actually questioning the decisions of your elders was considered disrespectful. And you cannot be disrespectful to your elders. That's like a huge no-no... And so, you know, you were really… like, even to the point that even when we were in school, I studied for as long as, you know, I studied in India, and I've studied in school in Pakistan… And in both countries, the attitude there is, like, they don't teach you critical thinking. Like, I remember we were told to memorize essays that we would then reproduce. And the higher, the more accurate your reproduction was, uh, the better your grades were. There was no… like, you didn't... You weren't expected to innovate, think for yourself. Not only were you not expected to, but if you did think for yourself and write your own stuff, you actually had your grades knocked down. And so that was one of the things like, that I found very challenging when I ended up in America and I started going to college here. I was college-age when I came to America. And it was like, oh, no, you have to think for yourself and come up with your own thesis and find the evidence to support it and, you know, write these essays and papers, and it's all supposed to be based on my critical thinking. And it was just really challenging for me to learn that as a skill because in my schooling in India and Pakistan, that was not what I had been trained for… but I became very excellent at memorization. So over here, students find it difficult to study for cumulative exams. But for me, it was a breeze because, you know, that's how we were trained. It was like, memorize, memorize, memorize huge amounts of information... So, you know, so there's this cultural context. So that was not just in the family, even, even in the wider culture, even in the workplace. You see, you go and you're, like, expected to do what you're told. So it's... But now being here in America and having experienced this different way of living and more independent way of thinking, I must say I really have come to appreciate it.

GLENDA: Well, you know what? There's... Listen, it's always important to show respect, and I believe through, you know, both of my kids are extremely respectful. They both are working and are, and both of them have always maintained jobs for years. Like, they've never been the type of people that it's going... they go back and forth. You know, even as, you know, when my son's first job was working at a supermarket, you know, it was time where, you know, he had an option where he, you know, and here in Canada, a lot of the time during the summer, a lot of kids go to camp. And you know what? He was. It was around 15 or it was 16 because he was very much into the computer, and it was, I didn't like the fact that he, all he wanted to do was be on a computer. So, you know, I had… he had the option. He either went to camp where he could work with, you know, children and doing things, and he was a great swimmer, so he could have worked at that point even with swim staff or whatever, because, you know, I always did activities to build them in different areas, but... Or he had to have a job. And he decided he didn't want to go to camp. So, you know, he just felt that, oh, he'll just, you know, he'll probably do nothing, and then, you know, I'll just, you know, after a while, I'll get… let it go, right. But that's not who I am. So, you know, I was out one day shopping, grocery shopping, and I went to the clerk when I was cashing out, and I said, are you hiring, you know, kids… summertime now… it's just starting… are you hiring kids for the summer? And they said, oh, yeah. I said, okay, great... I'll be back in a half an hour with my son. And I came home, and I and I came. He was, of course, at the computer. And I came home and I said, you know, get your, get your shoes on. We're going. He said, where are we going? I said, you're going for an interview. You're going for a job. And he looked at me and he says, no, I don't want to. I said, you have a choice. You either go into camp or you're getting a job. You're not sitting home, you know, you're 16 years old, you do something, and since you're not going out to get the job, you're going for this interview and you're going to go and get a job. Well, lo and behold, he ended up getting the job. And he worked behind the deli counter at the local supermarket. And even till today, he held that job for two years. And he even till today, he still says, you know, that was probably one of the most, best training jobs he's ever had...

And because he, there were things that he would never have done. He wasn't a kid who he wanted, like my daughter was a kid who loved to get her hands dirty. He wasn't like that. So he had to do things that he didn't want to do, and that was his job. Things that I couldn't make him do at home, when you're out there working… and he knew he had no choice, you know, you're going to come home and tell me that you're not going to, you're not going to have your job. You know, he knew he would have to deal with me, you know, like, maybe I'm fair in some ways, but what if it would come to that, he knew it wasn't. He also knew the responsibility. You go to work, you know, you got up, you make sure that, you know, you're enough, that you take the bus, you get start, you know, you start having the responsibility of getting there in time and doing what you had and respecting your boss and ask questions, but ask them in a kind, honorable way, you know, with respect... You know, there's two… in life there's two different ways to talk to people. We can talk with, with understanding and compassion and with gratitude and respect, or we can talk to somebody and make them feel really like they're nothing... And that's not what it is. Life is about taking what you have and honoring somebody else as well.

SAMIA: Yes. You know, it makes me realize what you've just been sharing that what you were talking about earlier, about being aware, how important it is to be aware and to really know your kid and to treat them in the way that works with their personality and character…

GLENDA: ...and their strengths.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah.

GLENDA: Working with their strengths but building their weaknesses at the same time.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. Because that's true… It's like our natural tendency for most people is that, you know, we want to stay in our comfort zone. And as a parent, you know, one of the things that you are trying to do is, you know, help your kids learn how to step out of their comfort zone so they can grow in healthy ways. And so to know your kid in terms of, okay, this is something that they love to do already, and they'll do more than enough of it, but here is something that it would be good for them to at least try out and…

GLENDA: Well, and that's the whole thing... So my son was an introvert. So talk to strangers, that wasn't something he would shy away from.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: So now having to serve customers and having to talk to customers, that was building.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: You know, that was... that was beyond. Because now he has no choice but to serve people. And what… it's a humbling experience to be serving people. And isn't that really... And if you look at it, in most jobs, we're here to serve others. That's what life is really is about, is us serving others. I'm, as a coach, I'm here to serve my clients to make... to do the best that I can do so that they will achieve what they need to achieve.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: And once we understand this, the idea of serving one another, in a kind, understanding way, we build and we can be building in a better way. So it's not to... You know, I always made sure that because my son was very smart in school, his teachers a lot of time put him onto a pedestal, and I didn't like that. So I, as a mother, had to make sure that I brought them back down to earth...

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: …without knocking him down, because he still has to serve. He still has to do, he still has to learn... That was his strength in one area, but he had weaknesses in others…

SAMIA: Yes.

GLENDA: And we all have weaknesses, but we all have strengths. We all have brilliance... So… And what I do is, I help people find their brilliance. And maybe that's helping them be a greater parent. Maybe that's helping them to like I do at points… Part of what I do is in reinventing themselves, because maybe struggles have knocked them down… whether it's a, you know, a job that they've lost, a business that has gone under, a divorce, whatever… those things knock us down and we lose our confidence, we lose who we are, and we start doubting ourselves... Or maybe you doubt yourself as even as a parent. Did I say something that… am I going to ruin my kid because of that? And I know because this is what was going on in all of my friends minds, of what we were doing. Were we doing good to our kids or not... But I knew that in my own way because I was keeping my kids grounded, keeping them humbled, teaching them what… right, from wrong, having them learning respect… those are what really mattered in life.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: And constantly building them up so that they learned that they had confidence in themselves.

SAMIA: Yes... Yeah. I mean, eventually, you know, you... That's… I agree with you. That is the best gift you can give to your kids is to educate them, give them awesome values, and help them to become people who are really well grounded in those values and ethics. And then, you know, at some point, you know, they have to transition to making their own decisions and living their own lives and so forth. But then by that time, you know, they are well prepared this way.

GLENDA: Well, that's the whole idea. You know, at a certain point, we got to let them free. It's like releasing, you know, the caterpillar, you know, as it goes into its cocoon and it…. as it, as it grows and it becomes the butterfly, that's when the butterfly flies away. And now the butterfly is free.

SAMIA: Yes.

GLENDA: The whole thing with your children is you've got that little caterpillar, and as it needs to grow and it needs to be fed and nourished and loved and, like, there's not enough… you know, sometimes love is also saying no. So it's not that you have to constantly be saying yes to your child. You have to sit back and sometimes... I just did a video today about the pause. Sometimes we need to step back and have that pause because we need to really think to ourselves that something is going on in your household… instead of jumping at a decision, you can also tell your kids, you know, I'm going to think about it and I'll let you know. Or maybe tomorrow I'll come up with a decision. You have a right... We don't need to be answering questions or saying something…  If you're not sure, take a pause.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. That is such a critical lesson to learn and to teach. Ah, yes... Huh! Yes… You know, we will have to start wrapping up soon, but my gosh, thank you so much… You've shared so much wisdom with us, Glenda and I keep having all these, like, other questions that I want to ask you and more stories that I want to share because you just bring up so much for me. But I am being mindful of time for both of us. Do you have any last thoughts that you want to share?

GLENDA: You know what? The most important thing that you can is give to your child or children is, first of all, your time. Children need time with their parents. And I know it's so hard today, people, everybody's working and trying to make a living. But, you know, there was one thing that I always tried to do. I had two children and I had a spouse who was never really around. And I found ways of giving my children also one-on-one time… because they need that time so that I can make them special, so I can create that bond. When your child has that bond with you, when things go wrong, when… I'm talking about later in life, when your kids start to get into, you never know, you know, once they get into a certain age, you don't have that control anymore. Once you form that relationship, that connection, that understanding, that you are understanding person, you're not going to jump off the roof. You're not going to be anger at them. Once your child knows that, that if something happens, they'll come to you... My children always came to me.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: And when you know that you can be fair-minded… and like I said, if you're, if you, if something's happening and you're too much into it emotionally, then take a pause…

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: Step back, stop and think... Sometimes you might need to even sleep on it, it's okay. But learn that children need love, understanding, compassion, and they need to know that there are rules in a house.

SAMIA: Yeah. Yeah.

GLENDA: And those are some of the most important values in life that I can share that gave me the relationship, and not just with my children… My house became the house where everybody hung out, where… the place where, when they were scared to go home, they came to me. And, you know, just recently, last summer, my daughter got married. And it was the most beautiful thing where all of her friends came running to me to tell me how much of a difference I made in their lives. Because my house was the safe house. My house was… I didn't judge, my house was about listening to what was going on as they talked. This means the world in our society. There is so much out there, drugs, behaviors, all sorts of things... If your kid is scared to come to you because they're scared that you're going to judge them, you're going to criticize them, you're going to discipline them in a negative way, they're going to get into trouble. And you know what? Small, small... The saying goes, you know, small kids, small problems, big kids, big problems. I've lived through it all. And the one important thing, more than anything else that you can ever have is that connection, that when those big problems come, they come to you and they say to you, mom, dad, this is what's going on. What's your opinion? Not too many kids come back and ask you your opinion.

SAMIA: Yeah.

GLENDA: So that's what I really want to have today as… my name is Glenda Kroll. I'm here... I am a coach. I'm a life coach. You know, I help people dealing with their children, helping you to deal with and becoming your best self. My website is glendakroll.com. My last name is K-R-O-L-L. You know, even if you need a sounding board and you just want to reach out for… I do a 45 minutes free contact. Whether you want to work with me or afterwards you don't want to, that's fine... But sometimes we just need a person who really will listen without judgment. And that's what I do.

SAMIA: Thank you, Glenda. That's really amazing. And my last reminder to our audience is just to make sure you check those show notes because we will drop Glenda's links in there so you can connect with her and get help and support whenever you're ready for it.

GLENDA: …And also just to... Sorry, I don't want to interrupt, but I do… I will be providing an ebook about parenting. So look for the link, that will be also under there and you will be able to get a free ebook that will give you some guideance…

SAMIA: Excellent. Thank you so much. Really appreciate your sharing that gift with us. And so until we connect next time, I wish you lots and lots of peace and joy... :)