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The Gift of Shadow: Embracing & Transforming Our Repressed Parts. Sallie Wagner & Samia Bano

The Gift of Shadow: Embracing & Transforming Our Repressed Parts.

June 25, 202434 min read

The Gift of Shadow:
Embracing & Transforming Our Repressed Parts.
Sallie Wagner & Samia Bano

Hiding or repressing parts of you? Don't want to deal with #thedarkside of yourself?

Listen now to this conversation with Sallie Wagner, #LifeAlchemist, to understand that we all have a #shadowself and why #shadowwork is critical for you.

As Sallie reveals, your shadow encompasses not only your darker emotions like anger and shame but also your repressed positive qualities such as creativity and intuition.

Discover the profound gifts that come when you #embraceyourshadow.

Plus explore strategies for #shadowworkhealing so you can live a more genuine and empowered life with greater compassion, strength, and self-awareness.

Learn more and connect with Sallie at:

To Book your Free HAPPINESS 101 EXPLORATION CALL with Samia, click:

#InnerHealing #HealingJourney #EmotionalHealing #shadowworkcoach #repressedemotions #overcomingperfectionism #shadowworkjourney #repressedemotions #darksideofme #liveyourbestlife #livejoyfully #beauthenticallyyou

Here's the audio version of this episode:



Full Video Transcript

SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, Privet and Mabuhay! It's really, really good to be with you again. And I know you will be so happy you've joined us today because we have a very, very special guest with us. And it's Sallie Wagner, who is a Life Alchemist. That is so cool. Welcome, Sallie…

SALLIE: Thank you so much. It's such a pleasure to be here with you today.

SAMIA; Yes, I'm so excited for our conversation today. And before we jump into the topic, please, Sallie, tell us more about who you are and what you do.

SALLIE: Yeah, so I have multiple business initiatives, I like to call them sometimes. I'm a lawyer and a real estate broker. I have a company and we contract at the brokerage level to do broker and contract compliance consulting… that's primarily based in Florida right now. We publicly have over 3,000 agents at this point where we do a lot. So I get a lot of calls and questions from real estate agents... I teach a lot of classes. I also have a real estate school, so I teach a lot of classes there. I develop a lot of training materials to get it accredited for agents to learn more about what's going on in the industry. And as you say, I'm a Life Alchemist. I do life coaching. I incorporate EFT, that's emotional freedom techniques, and NLP -- neuro linguistic programming -- along with trauma aware modalities so that people can really get some concrete results. You know, sometimes we do life coaching, we do a lot of things that we think are going to help us change and live the life that we choose to live. And yet it can be slow and minuscule and we don't always see the results... Well, with the techniques that I guide people to use, many times they see very rapid, concrete results, which is amazing. That's why I call it alchemy.

SAMIA: Yes to rapid, amazing results. And also more fun and easy…

SALLIE: Yeah, absolutely... There you go.

SAMIA: That's awesome. That's awesome. And you know, I know one of the things that you talk a lot about, that I would love to dig deeper into with you, is this idea of shadow. Can you tell me more about what is shadow?

SALLIE: Yeah. So shadow is… and sometimes there's a misconception about it that we think it's all of those dark, negative things that we have. And it is that. It can be that… like those, the anger, the fear, the resentment, the shame, the guilt that, you know, all of those low-frequency things that we carry with us… And it can also be those wonderful things like creativity and intuition and all those things that we repress and suppress because we're told it's not good to be like that, right. We don't do that. We're not creative, or we're not intuitive, or we're not, you know, all of those things, you know, you're laughing too much. You're too happy... You're all of those things that we get these messages from society and friends and the world that tell us that we're too much this or not enough that. And so we begin to suppress all those things that are part of us. And that's what the shadow is. It's the things that we suppress.  We tamp them down, and so we lose contact with them, and we don't consciously express them. And when we don't consciously express, then guess what? We're going to express it in ways that we may not really like, and the people around us may not really appreciate it either. And so when we connect with shadow, we're able to harness that power, because it is very powerful, and then we're able to express it in ways that we choose.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. You know, as you were talking about how shadow isn't necessarily just the negative… what we think of as negative things, but it can also be, you know, positive things that, we are suppressing in terms of, like, our creativity, etc. …you made me immediately think about this indian drama… in my home because we're half Indian, half Pakistani, we watch a lot of Indian-Pakistani tv shows, and most recently, they just started a show where, I mean, it's about this character who is going to be transitioning… like, currently, his expression is male and so forth. But it's very clear where the storyline is heading, where he does not feel aligned with that gender identity. And they're obviously moving the storyline towards where he's going to transition to a more feminine gender identity and expression. And one of the ways that he finds himself becoming aware of the conflict with his gender identity is that he loves to dance. And of course, men can dance, too, but there's particular ways in which he loves to dance, where when someone sees him dancing in that way, he's taunted and he's put to shame because it's like, oh, my God, you are dancing like a girl, like a woman, and that's so shameful... And so right now, he's actually going through a phase where he's trying to suppress that in himself because of all the criticism and shame that is… that he's being subjected to. And like, you can see how that's, like, really negatively impacting him, too. I mean, it's just… suppressing a part of yourself, it’'s not... I mean, it's really hard, and it has so many detrimental effects on our health and our well-being, and it's like, just hate it.

SALLIE: Yeah, you're right. It affects every aspect of our lives, and you hit on it…

Health and well-being... I mean, we carry all this in our bodies. And when we have those suppressive frequencies in our bodies, it lowers the energy frequencies. And then, guess what? Accumulates toxins. So we get all of this illness and aches and pains and everything because of the accumulated toxins. And so it's a... When we reconnect with all that and we express it properly, it's such a healing experience in so many ways.

SAMIA: Yes... Yes, yes. I mean, just to... I was recently having this conversation about authenticity and how we have this deep need to be authentic as people, you know? And a lot of times that is not recognized, that it's not valued enough.

SALLIE: Yeah. And it goes back to many things… and what I was saying earlier… we get all these messages from the world and friends and society and family, and for the most part, they're probably all well-meaning, right? They want us to have a good life, and they tell us how we should be and how we should not be, and we believe it... We believe it. We believe all these things that are not true, and then we build our lives around things that are not true.

SAMIA: Yes. Yes. I mean, wow... Yes. To, like, literally build your life around what is not true… So it's not like a short-term thing and it's just, like, done and over with. No. It's like, literally for decades, maybe for your entire life, you've been living with some shadow or shadows and not even realizing the weight, the burden that that is…

SALLIE: Yeah. It affects our choices that we make in our careers and our families and everything. And, I mean, for an example for myself. So I... Because of things and circumstances in my childhood, I grew up and became a perfectionist, and I believed that I needed to be perfect, and… in order to prove that I was worthy, right. And clearly, that's not true. And until I realized it, I can see now, in hindsight how it held me back in so many ways, because if I believed, incorrectly that I had to be perfect, and I know I'm not going to be perfect at something, then I'm just not going to do it. And so it shaped choices that I made in my career. It shaped choices that I made in all kinds of things because of that false belief that I have to be perfect.

SAMIA: Yeah. Can you tell me a little bit more about how you came to realize that you don't have to be perfect and you're worthy even though you're not perfect?

SALLIE: Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was just all part of that process of change and growth and personal development that… And sometimes we get these blinding flashes of the obvious, right. It's like, well, of course I don't have to be perfect… But it was that process of telling myself enough times, I am worthy, I am worthy… because I had this sense of shame and being unworthy and so just to cleanse myself of that... And when I did that and I was able to make the connections between that sense of shame and unworthiness and this perfection… and then it was like, oh, my gosh, that's why I have thought all this time that I had to be perfect. And it was a process... It was a process of learning and growing and introspection and doing EFT and NLP for myself and just shedding all of those false beliefs that I had taken on, that people had told me and that I had told myself. And I love to remind people, it's not what you don't know that holds you back, it's what you do know that's not true that holds you back. And that's certainly true for me. It was something that I believed that was not true, that was holding me back.

SAMIA: Yes... Yes, I can relate to that. I have had my own struggles with wanting and needing to be perfect because of not feeling worthy. I mean, like, for me, I think one of the times when I realized why that was actually an unfair expectation to put on myself was when someone pointed out to me that, you know, I don't hold anyone else to the standard of perfection that I was holding myself to. And I remember this, one of my friends, and actually, she was talking about herself, but now I use that thought to remind myself about me. And she was... We were actually talking in the context of marriage proposals and this and that. You know, unfortunately, there's a culture in our Indian-Pakistani community where when you are of marriageable age and… you know, like, in our culture, there's still a lot of family involvement in terms of finding a good match for you… and not just family, but oftentimes it becomes like community business.

SALLIE: Yeah, right.

SAMIA: …get the young people married off. And in some ways, that is very cool, very nice to have all that support and, you know, whatever... But one of the not-so-nice things that can happen in that context is that you get subjected to so much scrutiny, so much, like, criticism and so on, so forth. And one of my friends who I love… I mean, she was actually one of the first American friends, American Muslim friends that I made after moving to America. And, you know, so for me, her attitude, which was very American feeling to me, like, you know, I was relatively new to America and American culture. And so, like, she had this sense of empowerment about her and confidence about her that I found very shocking sometimes and very surprising sometimes, but also very inspiring. And, you know, one time when we were talking about marriage, and she asked me about, well, do you want to get married? And I was like, no... no. And I don't think anyone would even want to marry me. And she said, well, why do you say that? And I started to, you know, list a whole load of problems that I perceived with myself. And I was like, yes, so there you go, you see, I don't think anyone will want to deal with all these problems. And she said, but what about what's awesome about you, you know? And she was like, look, think about me. I have all these problems. And she listed a few of the problems with herself. She was like, but, you know, I don't focus on that. You know, I think about, like, when I'm thinking about who I would love to be and in a relationship with, et cetera, I think about what I can offer them, you know, in terms of the things that are awesome about me. And she was like, and, you know, like, even the problems that I have, look, my mom still loves me. My dad still loves me just as I am. My brother still loves me just as I am. My sister loves me just as I am... I have all these friends, including you, who love me just as I am. So why can’t my husband love me just as I am with all of my problems? That was just such a... The first time I heard her talk about that, I still remember it and really hit me that, oh, my gosh, that's so true. Like, I really, at that time, had a tendency to be very focused on everything that was wrong with me. And so that was a very, very cool switch in terms of how to think about it, you know…

SALLIE: Yeah. Yeah. And that's what it's all about. That's the key, right. To change how we think about things. We reframe... And a lot of people go, oh, that's stupid. You're lying to yourself. No, not at all. The way we tell ourselves stories about ourselves determines our reality. And if you want to change your reality, you change the stories you tell yourself about yourself, and there's nothing dishonest about that.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I also get this pushback a lot when I talk to people about changing the way you think in terms of this thought that people… or belief that people have that, no, you're just lying to yourself... and how is that supposed to be helpful? Like, how do you help people that you work with sort of not let… this belief stop them from creating new thoughts and beliefs?

SALLIE: Yeah… So I think one of the ways is we keep asking ourselves questions… because we tend to just accept what we're told, and we move on as if the people who tell us all these things are experts and they're not... And yet we believe it. It goes back to, you know, people tell us things, the world, our families, our friends, and we accept it as true. Well, if we accept that as true and those people are not the experts, then why is it lying to ourselves if we change our perception about what they told us that's not true, right? I mean, so… And it sounds kind of like we're playing games with words and we're not, because words truly matter. And the words we choose, the thoughts we choose, do determine our world, right… and how we perceive ourselves. So it's not lying. It's choosing to have an interpretation that is more useful for us as individuals. You know, I could tell myself gloom and doom stories all day about, oh, my gosh, my life is this, my life is that. And what does that accomplish for me? I can look at the same facts, and I can tell it in a positive way, and that changes everything. And I'm not lying to myself. I have changed the frame. The picture is the same, right. But I've changed the frame. I've changed the way I interpret it…

SAMIA: Yes, yes... Yeah, I think that is such an important insight that you're bringing. And for us to really develop this as a skill, to be able to challenge the status quote in terms of how people think, what we're told, what we just accept as true… to ask more questions… questions like you said about, like, well, why do you believe that's true? Why do I believe this is true? What evidence for that? There are other perspectives that are possible on the situation that are also factual and grounded in truth, etcetera, and which perspective am I going to choose? I get to choose, you know…

SALLIE: Right. I mean, it really is all in how we tell the story our own lives. And guess what? We are the author of our story, and so we can choose how we tell it… you know, I could... So right now I'm having work done at our house, and it's, if I let myself, I can be very frustrated because it's going slowly. It's not as fast as I want it. It's not the quality that I want, you know, all these frustrations. And I can also change the frame and go, how fortunate am I that I have a house... I can have work done and it will be beneficial for my family when I get this work done. And so if I focus on the goal, then I can get through the frustrations of the, oh, my gosh, they didn't come on time. They're, you know, this and that… and all of that stuff... I'm not lying to myself, right.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SALLIE: I'm just putting my focus on something different.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. I mean… and I mean… maybe in the... And, you know, I mean, I imagine... I think of it sort of also, like, as building a muscle. So sort of like when you first begin to ask these questions and begin the process of creating this kind of shift in your thinking at a conscious level, maybe you have to start small in terms of shifting to a thought that is different, that is still true and believable to you… And then as you develop this muscle of, you know, being able to choose different perspectives, discover different perspectives, you can, you can sort of more quickly, more easily come to recognize ideas and beliefs that to someone else might seem like a big jump, but they're not for you anymore. Like, for me, as a Happiness Expert, I have certainly seen my ability, my capacity, in this way grow. I mean, my sister used to comment, not so much anymore, but she used to comment on… compared to herself, for example, how much more quickly… you know, ever since I've started my happiness work on myself and then, you know, of course, now working with other people, but working on myself, how much more quickly I seem to be able to recover from various challenges. And she would be like… sometimes she thought… she was like, are you sure you're not suppressing and just denying the frustration and the anger that you're feeling? And, you know, every so often I'd be like, let me check in with myself and make sure I'm not doing that. And, you know, and it's like, no, no, actually, I just managed to process through whatever, you know, the frustration or whatever it was, pretty quickly and effectively and efficiently. It's truly not bothering me anymore…

SALLIE: Yeah. And it's because what you said, it is like a muscle, and the more you use it, the more you exercise it, the more proficient you are and the more quickly you're able to do it. So it just becomes automatic.

SAMIA: Yes. And it can seem magical to other people, or seem like, you know, not realistic to other people, but really it's just... it's just that… it's a matter of practice. And you grow into that capacity.

SALLIE: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And that doesn't mean that, you know, we're bliss ninnies or something... You know, there are times when, you know, life throws us a real challenge and, you know, it takes us a moment. And yet because of that exercise that we do, we're able to rebound and reframe more quickly so that we don't get dragged down into that. Oh, what was me? Look what happened... And, you know, we can become positive and move forward again.

SAMIA: Yes. I mean, sometimes I still... It's amazing how cool it is to realize that it's a choice that we make, you know, whether we, we get dragged down or not. Because sometimes I'm like, you know, that's part of the fun of life, to feel like you're in some drama.


SAMIA: And to let yourself be in that drama for some time and to know that, yeah, when I choose to step away from it and out of it, I can. So that is my favorite part of being... Because without some drama in our life, life can get pretty boring.

SALLIE: Oh, yeah. Yeah. We have to have that for excitement, right. And like you said, you know, be able to step away from it, you know, give ourselves that permission to, like you said, really feel it and sit with it, you know… sit with the pain and the grief and the sadness and the whatever it is... If we can't sit with our own grief and sadness and pain, then how can we be with others, right? How can we help others be with theirs... And yet to have the choice when it's time to move on.

SAMIA: Yeah. Yeah. You know, from this perspective, I really appreciate some of the teachings of, like, our faith, Muslim faith tradition, where there is some interesting guidelines that have been given. So, for example, when someone passes away, there is this teaching about, like, you allow yourself to grieve for three days and then after three days, I mean, you may still feel some grief and so forth, but you need... the teaching is to begin to make efforts to change the frame and change the state of mind or the focus… to change the focus from the grief and begin to focus on your faith… and what our faith teaches us about life and death and to come back to a place of gratitude to God for whatever is happening in our lives. Because even when we lose somebody that we dearly love, you know, like, as a Muslim, we are taught that, you know, death in itself is not a tragedy. It's a returning to our creator. So death in itself is not a tragedy. And so to come back to that perspective of why is it not a tragedy? And how do I get back to a place of feeling gratitude for the life I have now, as it is, you know…

SALLIE: I love that. That's such a beautiful reframe. And I do some, you know, grief counseling and loss and stuff with people coaching. And, you know, what we talk about is when we lose somebody who's been such a pivotal part of our lives, a big part of the grief is the life that we have lost for ourselves. I mean, we grieve that we've lost this person, and yet the biggest grief is that our lives are changed, right. We've lost our sense of who we are…

SAMIA: Yeah.

SALLIE: You know, who... Because I, like, for a parent, you know, I've always known my parent, and now suddenly, I don't have my parent. Who am I without my parent? And so we lose our identity, and that's a lot of the loss. And then to come to terms with that and to reframe and to understand that perhaps one of the greatest ways to honor that person that we've lost is to look at the good qualities they had and then put those in our own lives so that we're expressing them in our own lives.

SAMIA: Yeah. You just made me think about one of my uncles… after my grandmother passed away, he said, I feel like my protective shell is gone... Like, if I am a turtle somebody took away my shell. And so without my mom, I mean, my grandmother, his mom, that, you know, I feel suddenly exposed and vulnerable because she was always there… like, even if she wasn't, like, physically doing this or that to protect him, which, you know, I mean, she wasn’t... But, you know, there was a sense of, you know, security and safety that she provided at a mental, emotional, spiritual level. And so he recognized that loss in his life.

SALLIE: Yes. Yeah. And that's what it is, right? We're grieving for ourselves, really. The person who has passed they, you know, they're not affected by the world anymore, right. They've gone on… as you say, we return to our creator, and we're the ones who are left. We're the ones who are feeling the loss. And it's the loss, I believe, of our own identity. And the grieving process is to help us rediscover who we are.

SAMIA: Yes. And there's such a gift in that, too.


SAMIA: So when you talk about shadow and why it's important for us to become aware of it, it's because there's actually a gift in that, too.

SALLIE: Absolutely. It is a great gift…

SAMIA: Yeah.

SALLIE: And that's part of the reframe, you know, to be able to claim the gift as your own and discover what it is… because, again, we write our own story. We determine what the gift is.

SAMIA: Yes, yes... Yeah, like, when I think about some of the shadows that I've experienced in my life, and that I've taken the time and opportunity to become aware of and make friends with, as it were, and transform eventually, you know, yeah… I mean, I must say, I feel really, really grateful now that I went through that process, because I'm, like, so much stronger, I'm so much wiser, so much more compassionate, so much... and not just towards other people, but first and foremost towards myself…


SAMIA: And that is such an amazing gift and something to be so grateful for.

SALLIE: Absolutely…

SAMIA: Yeah... What's coming to you now in terms of what would you love to share with our audience at this point, if anything…

SALLIE: ...perhaps a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be. It goes back to what you were saying… choice... It's all about choice. You know we decide who we are... We write our own stories. We don't always necessarily control the circumstances or the events, and yet we do control the story that we tell ourselves about those events.

SAMIA: Yes. What do you say to the people… I mean, again, in terms of helping them transition to a more empowered way of thinking… to the people who right now don't feel like they have a choice, or have the choice to write their own stories? What is, like, one step for them that you can recommend right now they can take to begin that process of, you know, recognizing and feeling that sense of empowerment that they have the choice…

SALLIE: So I would say, you know, begin the hero's journey. Understand that you are the hero of your own life and think about who in your life you admire. You know, is it a religious leader? Is it a family member? Is it a celebrity? Is it a person in fiction? You know, who is it that you admire, and what is it about that person that you admire. And then look at your own life and see how you can put into practice that thing that you admire about the other person. And that is a first step on your hero's journey.

SAMIA: Yeah. Yeah, I love that. I love that idea. You know, when we think about the hero's journey, it's like every hero has to struggle. Like, I don't know if any hero's story who has not had to struggle. I mean, even if you look at, you know, superheroes, like movies that we have, the dramas that we have featuring superheroes, they have to go through massive struggles…

SALLIE: They do... They do. And heroes in real life and heroes in fiction… And that's what makes them heroes, right. We even have a term for it, the dark night of the soul, when we go through that horrible, horrible experience and then we come through it victorious and changed because of the journey.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. You know, it's interesting when you talking about heroes journeys, I was... it a podcast I was listening to or in documentary I was watching… I can't remember. But in any case, they were talking about how in American cinema over the decades, there has been a shift in how the heroes are portrayed and how their journeys… like, how the hero's journey is shared and portrayed. In the earlier decades, there was this tendency to sanitize, to downplay the… for example, like, you never saw a traumatized hero. Yes they struggled with villains and evil, but you didn't really see them being mentally, emotionally vulnerable.

SALLIE: Right.

SAMIA: But there was something obviously unreal about that, and that left people unsatisfied. And so as storytelling matured and storytellers matured and the craft matured… and now the movies that you watch or the dramas that you watch, you see… like, for example, if you take a character like Batman, because, you know, there's been so many Batman movies, and even shows… the, it's true… Like, I didn't, like, if you watch some of the earlier Batman shows that came out in, like, the, I don't want to give the wrong decades, but like, several decades ago, compared to the Batman movies that are there now, you see the difference… now it's much darker in some ways, right. But it's also much more real. It's much more honest… and just in terms of the trauma that Batman experienced as a child and how that impacted him and so forth, but how the current actions that he's taking and what he's doing, what he's not doing… how that continues to impact him.

SALLIE: Yeah, absolutely. And I wonder if perhaps that trend began in the seventies with George Lucas and those first Star Wars movies because he was a huge fan of Joseph Campbell, who wrote the book on the hero's journey… a hero of a thousand faces, right. And so, and they were great friends, as I understand it. And perhaps Joseph Campbell was a mentor to him and advised on all of those early movies… and you can see that thread of the hero's journey throughout those first three films. And, yeah, I think maybe that was a pivotal turning point in the hero's journey as portrayed in film and cinema, that now we see that the heroes are suffering heroes… because we all are, right? We're heroes in spite of and because of the suffering. And we come through it.

SAMIA: Yes... Yes. And it's because also, I mean, the other aspect now that I'm thinking about is our real-life people in the armed forces and the veterans. And, you know, like, on the one hand, you know, we recognize that they're doing something very brave and very amazing… you know, where they're willing to step up and sacrifice even their own lives for our safety… for the rest of us. But what they have to suffer, what they have to go through, to live that, you know, and that there's not enough recognition and not enough... Even if now there's lip service in terms of people recognizing… or there's more awareness, people talking about, oh, PTSD, veterans suffering PTSD. But it's still mostly, mostly just very surface-level awareness. It's mostly still lip service for most people… because when you have a veteran who's actually struggling with their mental health and their behavior is displaying that struggle, people don't want to deal with it, people don't want to face it, and they get pushed to the side and they're not getting the help and support that they need. And, you know, for me, that's just become a very obvious sort of example. But it's happening to all of us in some ways where, you know, our mental health is being impacted by the different traumas… whether they're little traumas or big traumas that we have all experienced. And we're not… like, by, like… the dominant society/culture is still that, you know, that you need to show a happy face. For example, I was reading a report… with corporate employees there's this expectation of, you have to always appear professional and, you know, leave your personal life out of the office, out of work... It doesn't matter what's going on with you personally. It should not impact your work. It should not impact your behavior at work and so on, so forth. And that is such an unrealistic expectation and such a burden for someone to carry also, you know… So we are all carrying these shadows and, you know, dealing with the burden of them, and there isn't enough openness in the dominant culture to being, like, oh, yeah, to just openly talk about our shadows… and how can we help each other deal with our shadows, you know…

SALLIE: Exactly. And I think it's because we're uncomfortable. I was saying earlier, how can we be with somebody else if we're not comfortable with our own grief and pain and sorrow and all those things? We can't. We can't truly reach out to somebody else if we haven't sat with ourselves first.

SAMIA: It's interesting… I mean, I do agree with you. And it's interesting where… I know people… and I know, like, for me also, this was for many years true, where I didn't know how to deal with my own emotion… strong emotion and so forth.

But, I was more willing to be there for other people up to a certain point.

SALLIE: Right.

SAMIA: One... so, because, like, it's true… because I couldn't deal with my own emotions, I couldn't handle too much drama in any of my relationships. And I was like, very, very much… my best strategy when I didn't know how to do any better, my best strategy was avoidance. So I would be constantly running away from my own emotions and any kind of drama in my relationships. But it was interesting that at another level, I was very, very… like, because I didn't want to deal with my own stuff, I was actually putting a lot of focus on other people, on helping other people, in ways that I could help… where it didn't trigger me emotionally so much. So, for example, for me, a lot of this started when I was in college, where it was my first opportunity, honestly, to sort of be on my own, to sort of spread my wings. I had just moved to America and started college. And it was like, before, before coming to America and starting college, I never had so much freedom of movement and freedom of choice. And when I had that freedom of movement and choice… like, on campus, I literally, I'd be there from morning till night. And not because I was studying or had classes from morning till night, but because I started to just volunteer for so many different clubs and organizations and campaigns, things going on in campus… And a lot of it, you know, again, like, it was things that I could emotionally handle. It was not too emotionally taxing, but I was, like, literally just giving away all my time. I was spending so much time volunteering. Like, I was basically doing a full time job as a volunteer, you know. And so it was, it was interesting that… and that feeling of being able to help someone else, contribute to some cause or someone else's mission where they were doing something that I thought was worthy and worthwhile, it felt really good... And it felt really, like, I was helping myself somehow. And it was a really important aspect of my healing process, actually. It really helped me move forward in many ways with my own healing. So in, what am I saying... So in some ways, it's like I was very focused on other people. But it's true, there was a limitation where the moment I got emotionally triggered, I couldn't be there for them anymore.

SALLIE: Right?

SAMIA: Yeah.

SALLIE: Yeah. That makes sense.

SAMIA: Yeah. So it is limited. So it was truly, you were right that it wasn't until I learned to sit with my own emotions that I could then be present for others at that emotional level.


SAMIA: Interesting. Interesting. Yeah... Cool, cool, cool. I just had a realization… because I was thinking that, you know, maybe, like, people, maybe it's just like a difference between people where you... some people focus so much on other people and they don't focus enough on themselves. They don't take enough care of themselves. They're not, you know, they're not compassionate enough towards themselves, but they're so compassionate and giving towards other people. And I see this a lot, especially in our coaching community, in our healers community… They're so, so, so giving and so focused on giving. But it's not just that it's an individual difference. If you are just focusing on giving, giving, giving, but not receiving, not healing yourself, then it creates limitations on how you can give and how much you can give. So you still need to work on yourself.

SALLIE: Yeah, I think that's a big prosperity block for people that we, "Oh, I give, I give, I give. I'm so generous." And yet, do you allow others to give back to you? Because it has to be that cycle, right?

SAMIA: Yes. Yes... Okay. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Okay, that was. That was a really cool realization.

SALLIE: That is awesome.

SAMIA: Cool. So is there... My gosh, I keep losing track of time, you know… so much fun talking with you. Probably we should begin to wrap up for today. Are there any last thoughts or words that you would like to share, or maybe tell people how they can get in touch with you and learn more from you?

SALLIE: Yeah, my website is and there are links there to my calendar. I would love to have a complimentary… let's chat with people… give an introductory offer for EFT and/or NLP. I have some really fun techniques that I think people enjoy, so that would be awesome to connect with people…

SAMIA: Yeah. Excellent. So for my last reminder, I will remind our audience to please make sure you check the show notes because we will drop Sallie's links in there so you can connect with her and continue to learn with her. And until we connect next time, I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy... :)

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Samia Bano, Happiness Expert

Samia Bano is the #HappinessExpert, author, speaker, podcaster & coach for coaches and healers. Samia is most known for her book, 'Make Change Fun and Easy' and her #podcast of the same name. With the help of her signature Follow Your Heart Process™, a unique combination of #PositivePsychology and the spiritual wisdom of our most effective #ChangeMakers, Samia helps you overcome #LimitingBeliefs, your chains of fear, to develop a #PositiveMindset and create the impact and income you desire with fun and ease… Samia’s advanced signature programs include the Happiness 101 Class and the Transformative Action Training. Samia is also a Certified #ReikiHealer and Crisis Counselor working to promote #MentalHealthAwareness. Samia models #HeartCenteredLeadership and business that is both #SociallyResponsible and #EnvironmentallyFriendly. Samia is a practicing #Muslim with an inter-spiritual approach. As someone who has a love and appreciation for diversity, she is a #BridgeBuilder between people of different faiths and cultures. Although Samia currently lives in California, USA, she has lived in 3 other countries and speaks Hindi, Urdu, and English fluently.

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