Easy Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Tips For Emotional Wellness.

Easy Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Tips For Emotional Wellness. With Judith Belmont and Samia Bano

Want to take control of your emotional wellness and become more resilient?

Listen now to this interview with Judith Belmont, Retired #Psychotherapist & #Author of 11 #selfhelp and #mentalhealth books. Judith has recently released her 12th book, "110 CBT Tips and Tools," which offers practical guidance on overcoming issues such as #anxiety and unhealthy thinking patterns. Her depth of experience and practical approach provide us with invaluable #tipsandadvice.

We explore:

-- how you can #empoweryourself, engage in healthy #ConflictResolution and transform relationships by #takingownership of your emotions

-- why blaming others is a #learnedbehavior you must unlearn

-- how cultural and familial roles shape your sense of self, and how to navigate honoring your roots while #settingboundaries

-- why a "wellness tune-up" is for everyone, not just those in crisis.

-- and so much more!

Connect with Judith now at: https://belmontwellness.com/

To Book your Free HAPPINESS 101 EXPLORATION CALL with Samia, click: https://my.timetrade.com/book/JX9XJ

#CognitiveBehavioralTherapy #MindsetMatters #MentalHealthTools #CBTTips #EmotionalWellness #EmotionalIntelligence #BoundariesMatter #SelfAwareness #GenerationalHealing #PersonalGrowthJourney #RelationshipWisdom #GrowthMindset #HealingTogether #WellnessJourney #AuthenticLiving #InnerPeace #liveyourbestlife #takeownership #TransformRelationships #wellnesstuneup #tipsandtools

Here's the audio version of this episode:

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Full Video Transcript

SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, Privet, and Mabuhay... And Dzień Dobry! It's really, really good to be with you again. And I know you'll be so happy you've joined us because. Because we have a very cool guest with us today, and it's Judith Belmont, who is a retired psychotherapist and author of 11 self-help and mental health books. I'm so happy to have you with us, Judith. Welcome…

JUDITH: I'm happy to be here. Thank you for having me.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. You know, can you please tell us a little bit more about who you are and what you do?

JUDITH: Okay. I live in Florida and I am a retired psychotherapist. I do a little bit of mental health coaching. I have done a lot of training seminars and I actually do do some online webinars. But my focus has been in my professional life, aside from being a therapist, is writing books that can help people reach a lot more people than I could in my office. And so my latest book, which is 110 CBT Tips and Tools, is a book offering a lot of practical life skills such as how to deal with depression, stress, anxiety, and how you can change your self talk to actually change your life.

SAMIA: Yeah, I love it. I love it. And just for the people who may not be familiar with what CBT is, can you tell us?

JUDITH: Okay. CBT stands for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I'm gonna put this book up over here. And this book has like worksheets, handouts, mini lessons, mini quizzes. And basically, CBT is a very practical, hands-on approach that is widely adopted and it offers skills of how you can reframe your attitude, reframe your perceptions. Because a lot of times when people are unhappy, it's not really from the outside, is from the inside and what we tell ourselves. And so, you know, obviously there's some terrible things that happen in the outside world, but we have the ability to control our reactions to whatever comes our way. And CBT offers a lot of practical skills to do that.

SAMIA: Yes. You know, this aspect of learning to change our thoughts so they're more empowering, more happiness-promoting. I mean, it's such a critical skill because, you know, I personally, in my experience, when I started to really practice being conscious of what I'm thinking and then changing my thoughts to be more in alignment with my values and goals in terms of wanting to feel more peaceful and happy, etcetera... I think that was the first time that I felt significant, major difference in terms of my own wellness experience and that feeling of ah, you know, like I'm able to do something to actually take control of my wellness. It was so, so life-changing as an experience. And I also noticed, you know, like in the more recent years just, I would say maybe even in the last four to five years I've, you know, more hanging out with like spiritually oriented people, and you know, working on my own spiritual growth. And a lot of the tools and practices that we're, that I'm learning these days are focused on, you know, sort of like helping you connect with your spiritual heart, and you know, just kind of tap into your sense of peace and so forth in that way. And one thing that I noticed was that it was really easy for me once I, when I started learning these heart-centered practices, to start experiencing the benefits of them. And at the same time, other people, like my fellow classmates who are taking these same workshops and learning these same skills were experiencing more struggle and I was like, ha, ha... And it turned out it was because I had done so much training already in terms of learning to calm my thoughts, change my thoughts when I do have negative thoughts that, you know, utilizing these more heart centered tools, like there wasn't any conflict but between what my heart wanted and what my mind was doing or if there were times when that conflict seemed to emerge, I was able to, you know, take positive steps to help calm my mind by, you know, reframing my thoughts and so forth. But for my fellow classmates who didn't have these skills, it took them longer to experience the benefit of these heart-based techniques also.

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JUDITH: I have a good visualization because that's one thing in my books. I use a lot of metaphors and visualizations or activities that you could actually kind of cement the learning. And we can do it right now if you. Your fingers…

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: Okay. I have my left thumb on top. Which thumb do you have?

SAMIA: Oh, well, I had my right one.

JUDITH: Okay. All right, so you're right. Okay, now take. Okay, so now take your fingers away and put it the other way so that the other thumb is on top. How does it feel?

SAMIA: Yeah, I mean you do feel like there's something off…

JUDITH: ..like a little different. So my point is that the importance of flexible thinking, that for some people like you in your class, it was a no brainer, that was it intuitive because you have intuitive sense of mindfulness and being able to experience where other people might not have that. So it's not that they can't do it, but it's going to be more comfortable. So I used to use this with my clients all the time when they would say how hard change was, and I would show them this, and they knew what that meant. That sometimes it feels a little bit difficult, but it's not wrong.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: There's not one right or wrong way. And a lot of times people get impatient with themselves because, you know, I see all my classmates being one way. Maybe they'll be seeing you and say, how come she can like incorporate it into such a struggle? Because we're all different, we're wired differently. And it shows the importance of a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. A growth mindset is I'm going to try, I'm going to learn, I'm going to build on my experience. When the fixed mindset says I can't do that or I'm not good at that. And actually studies has shown that the reason that more people are happy than not is not the possessions they have, it's not the successes. Not saying that they're not good, all that's good. But it's if they have a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. Because a growth mindset allows for evolving, moving past your mistakes, moving past your limitations, and learning as you go. Whereas a fixed mindset is self-defining. That could be very self-limiting, like, oh, I'm not good at that or I'm a failure, I goofed up and whatever.

SAMIA: Yes, indeed. I agree with you on that. I agree with you on that. Do you know, according to the research, this trait, fixed mindset or growth mindset, is it sort of like a thing that we learn or is it more like a personality, character?

JUDITH: Interesting you said that. For some people it just seems to come more easily. But it's all something that we can learn and develop. It's not like, well, I don't have a growth mindset, kind of, you know, mental, you know, acuity for that... It's all things that we can develop. And that's why I like CBT and practical-oriented psychology, such as positive psychology, which offers skills and how to do it. Because how are you going to learn things if you hadn't been exposed to them before?

SAMIA: Right.

JUDITH: So like I would tell my clients, you know, when they would say I can't do it, it's awful. I would say talk to them about cognitive distortions. That's a hallmark of CBT, that if you are focused on fiction instead of fact, I can't do it. I should have known that. That's kind of stories you tell yourself. It's like a narrative versus I had a setback and now I'll move forward a little bit more wiser. That's more factual. So a lot of times we tell ourselves very self-limiting thoughts and we don't realize the cognitive distortion. Such as if you say, you know, I'm such an idiot, I'll never get it together because of, you know, this mistake I made. You have all these cognitive distortions in those couple sentences. You're fortune-telling, you're saying that I'll never get it together. You're labeling. That's another cognitive distortion. And it's not only what we do to ourselves, to other people we might say, oh my coworker's just lazy. So it reduces people to one dimension. So it's very important to look at things factually so you're not going to be so stressed out by things that are out of control in your head.

SAMIA: Yes.

JUDITH: So I'm concerned that she comes in often late from lunch versus she's so inconsiderate or she's so lazy. You know, there's being specific instead of factual can help us in terms of our own self talk, but it also can help us be more empathetic and compassionate to others because we're not going to be focused on all or nothing ways of thinking.

SAMIA: Yes, there's all or nothing ways of thinking. And then also just that, you know, a lot of times we don't even realize that the way we are thinking is not factual or that the, that we are labeling people in a way that is maybe not entirely accurate and that, you know, you're taking this whole person and just sticking this one label on them kind of thing, you know…

JUDITH: People don't realize it's inaccurate at all.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: And that's what CBT does is it helps you separate fact from fiction. It's helps you separate feelings from thoughts. So like if you say to someone, or let's say you're thinking, I feel like he's putting me down, that's actually not a feeling, that's a thought. A lot of times people confuse them. So how are you going to change your thoughts if you don't even know what they are? If you confuse... So a way of teasing that out is I feel upset because I am thinking that he is putting me down or whatever.

SAMIA: Yes.

JUDITH: Separate. Because a lot of times people mix thoughts and feelings and they don't realize it. That's a skill you learn.

SAMIA: Yes. It's just the way the language is sort of used in the common culture, you know that it absolutely conflates you. You're like, I feel like you're not respecting me and things like that and say no, those are not actually feelings, those are thoughts.

JUDITH: Well, it's interesting you say about the, our culture because just think of some songs that I grew up with, you know, like Ray Charles song, "I Can't Stop Loving you". That's an irrational song. I can't... It's like it's hard to stop loving you. But we as a, you know, society often thinks in self-limiting ways. There's a lot of songs when you think, particularly certain genres of songs like country is that you're thinking victim ways rather than victor ways.

SAMIA: Well, in the case of being like I can't stop loving you, there's probably also this aspect of romanticizing the idea that I can't stop loving you. Like it's a really good thing that I can't…

JUDITH: But it's not... But like, you know, there was a song when I was growing up, "Blood, Sweat and Tears, you make me so very happy". When I was younger and a teenager listening to it, I thought, wow, that's such a nice song. And finding someone that makes you happy, whatever. And then I realized if someone can make you so very happy, they can also make you miserable. You never want to put your happiness in someone else's hands. So you can make me suicidal. You can make me anything. So I realized that actually was not a healthy song at all.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah. And I mean when you think like that, it's like you are giving your power away actually to other person. Is that is supposed to make you happy or supposed to, you know, be able to make you sad or whatever else? And not only are you giving your power away, but again like if you look at it from a factual perspective, research very clearly shows that it's not other people are making you happy or sad or angry or anything really. t's your own thoughts and beliefs and…

JUDITH: Exactly. So I don't want, I don't mean to take the romance out of things, but just to realize that we are happy when we're with someone. You help me be happy considerably. But you make me happy? That's a little, little unhealthy because you can make me miserable too. And you don't want anybody to have that power. And we're not talking about criminal behavior and abuse, you know, we're talking about in the realm of non-criminal, not abusive relationships. Obviously there's such a thing as abuse, but you know that you actually can make someone, you know, harm…

SAMIA: It's a very important thing to understand even, you know, in our everyday relationships that are loving relationships that are healthy relationships, but nonetheless, a lot of times when we end up in conflict, you know, a lot of times it's because of this kind of attribution of responsibility to the other in terms of you did this to make me angry, you know, or you did this to make me upset... I mean, we especially, you know, I've become more conscious of how we talk to our kids in terms of being like, don't make mommy, don't do that, you'll upset mommy. Or you make mommy sad when you do that. You know, you say things like that. And I've been noticing more and more and I'm like... Ah, you see, we are being taught this way of thinking from when we're tiny little children, you know, so…

JUDITH: Exactly. So like you might be, you know, people might say, you know, she really stresses me out. That's actually irrational. It's not that's fiction because no one can change the neurons in your brain. So how do you rephrase it? That's called cognitive restructuring. That's a tip in my book. And the tip of cognitive behavior therapy is one of the hallmarks of cognitive behavior therapy is how do you rephrase it? It's not just not semantics, it's understanding that we're responsible.

So instead of he stresses me out, I'm stressed when he says blank, blank or I am stressed, I feel stressed when I'm with him often, you know, maybe not 100% of the time. You can't say, I'm always stressed out whenever I'm with them because maybe one out of a hundred times you're not. So you have to watch that all-or-nothing self-talk because you're going to feel more in control of your thoughts. When you're in control of your thoughts, you think in healthier ways and you're not going to be as angry or stressed.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. And what you just said about like, someone can't change your...

JUDITH: Neurons... No one can change your brain.

SAMIA: That's a really excellent, I think we do something for us to remember, actually that's so true of other aspects of ourselves as well, that no, it's not like someone can... I mean, unless you're sitting in like a lab and somebody literally plugs you up with these electrodes and things and then…

JUDITH: ..that's a physical.

SAMIA: That's a completely different thing. But other than that, like no one can actually manipulate your body physiology and biology and so forth. It's like you, you doing it, your own body is doing whatever it is doing to itself.

JUDITH: Right. I mean you can think, you know when they say, you know, an expression is, oh, you know, she drives me crazy... No one can drive you anywhere unless you give them the keys…

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah, that is so true. That is so true. I think, you know, like for some people that it's like what, I have to take all this responsibility for how I'm feeling. I went, I don't know, some, some people may feel challenged by that idea because you know, it's like to take all of that responsibility for how you think and how you feel and act for that matter, rather than like, sometimes it's just so much easier to be like, no, you, you are to blame for how I'm suffering and, or you know, otherwise not doing well versus taking that responsibility on ourselves. How do you think about this idea of taking responsibility for your own thoughts, feeling and actions? I mean, especially if somebody is like, you know, having these kinds of anxieties about like around taking that responsibility.

JUDITH: Well, I, you know, I'm a very big proponent of taking responsibility. And when people spend a lot of time being bitter because they're into blaming, they're not going to be happy people. Happy people don't do that. Now, you know, we're talking again about non-life-threatening situations and whatever. In general, the more forgiving you are, the more you don't focus on what other people should do. Because when you get caught up in the "should's", that's also another cognitive distortion. Oh, he shouldn't be that way. He should be more like me or she should be more like him. And it just gets in the world of fantasy where it's just expectations and not reality.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: And a lot of times people blame others that it's not their fault because they don't want to feel that they're bad. I mean, they might overreact because of their own traumas or their own lack of self-esteem and they see their self-esteem is on the line.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: When you are self-loving and self-compassionate, you are also able to be more compassionate to others. I liken what the flight attendant says to people about if in case of an emergency, put the mask on yourself before you help young children.

A lot of times people want to skip that step, you know, want to like be helpers, and they want to do you need to really take care of yourself too so that you can be in the right mindset so that you can be of help to others.

SAMIA: Yes.

JUDITH: Sometimes people, when I would talk to clients about nurturing themselves, their own self care, they felt like that's being selfish, but that's not being selfish because what's going to happen is if you're not happy, if you feel burdened by expectations of others and yourself, you're going to end up not being as loving and forgiving to others either.

SAMIA: Right. Yeah, you know, this whole thing about expectations, it's so also like one of those things that I feel like we just get trained into normalizing, like in that it just feels like such a normal aspect of how people live their lives that you don't even question it. And I think maybe there's also like, cultural aspects to that where, you know, like, I know, for example, in my Indian Pakistani culture, in some ways, because we are a more collectivistic culture and there's less emphasis on, you know, individual identity and being concerned about your individual self is just less of a priority. But so what that does mean is that there's like so many expectations in terms of... I mean, everyone has a role in society, in your family, whatever structures that you're a part of, you have a role, you have a place. And there are all kinds of expectations that you fulfill that role and you stay in your place. Because to challenge any of those expectations, to try and step out of that place, it not only creates change for you, but it creates change for everyone around you. And not everyone's inclined to think that that kind of change is good. In fact, it's perceived as chaos. It's perceived as you are disturbing the social order, you're disturbing the family peace or whatever. And so there's just a lot of expectations. Like it's like so normal for my mom even now to say things like, well, Samia, you are the elder daughter of the house, so you have to be like the little mommy of the family. So if I'm sick, you are the one who has to, you know, make sure there's food ready and that you're looking after and making sure your dad's okay. And you know, like all these different things. And not that I'm opposed to doing this or that to help anyone in my family, but, you know, I have come to recognize that these kinds of expectations that I need to, like, I want to be able to choose and say, yes, I'm going to choose to do this and this and this because I want to do it. And it's Something I can do, and it makes me feel good doing. And if there is something that doesn't make me feel good or, you know, I feel like I can't do it for some other reason, then I want to be able to say no. And I don't want it to become like, this huge, big deal that I said no, you know, because it, like, in my like my mom, she's probably the most traditional among us in my family. And, you know, for her, doing things in the traditional way is very important. And so, like, when I say no for her, it's not just, oh, Samia said, no, no. It's like, no, you're breaking tradition. You're doing... And in that there's something very wrong and you're upsetting me, your mom by doing this. And, you know, so it can become like this whole big thing. Yeah. And just like, again, like, the normalization of that because, you know, she grew up her entire life with that kind of thinking, you know…

JUDITH: She knows…

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: And in her mind, it's probably wrong to be any other way.

SAMIA: Yeah, right.

JUDITH: There's cost of that, too, because it sort of chooses for others. In general, I focus on developing assertive skills, which are I statements, such as, I don't feel comfortable with that. A you statement, which would be more aggressive or setting expectations on others is, you should be doing that. And assertiveness is kind of the hallmark of healthy communication. But when you're trained that that's wrong, that's tough. I remember some of my clients would not want to use the word I. When I would try to teach you about I statements, they said, no, that's wrong, because that's being selfish. Because they were taught in their church, you don't use the word I. You use we or something, because if you know about I, you're just focusing on yourself. And it's almost like there's something really bad about that. So what I do is I try to help people through my books or my coaching or when I was a therapist, is to give people permission to feel. Never forget this woman who, you know, had a few kids of her own and, you know, she was maybe in her 40s or early 50s, and I... She explained how she was feeling, and I validated it. And she looked at me through her tears, and she says, you mean I have a right to feel that way? And it was very poignant because she had grown up not being able to own her feelings and was told that they were wrong.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: What's that going to do in raising her children, because this is sort of like the way the universe goes. And by me giving her permission to feel her feelings. Now, that doesn't mean I didn't try to help her think more rationally so that you could change her feelings. But I can't change anybody's thoughts or feelings. But I gave her permission that that was okay.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: That her knees were as important. And she has a right to any feelings that she has. This is not a judgment…

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: Obviously, if there's behaviors that infringe on others and there's criminal activity or whatever. No, that's not good. But we're talking about owning your feelings.

SAMIA: Yeah, it's just, you know, because I've actually lived in India, Pakistan for a few years, even in the Middle East. And now, of course, now I'm here living in America. So I've had experiences both in the context of, you know, being part of the, those more collectivistic cultures in Asia and the more individualistic culture that predominates here in America. And I personally have come to this point in my life where I'm like, you know what? I can see the pros and cons in both. And I love being able to sort of choose for myself where I find the balance for myself. Because, you know, I see over here, you know, a lot of times people in their quest for independence and asserting their individual rights and so forth, they can go too far in terms of themselves ending up in a situation where they're feeling lonely, they're feeling disconnected, they don't have enough of a support system around them anymore because they've become isolated in this quest to, you know, just pursue their, whatever their individual oriented goals and so forth are. And even those in that context, a lot of times they're not goals that they have really consciously chosen for themselves. They're on this like track of societally defined success path and things like that, you know.

JUDITH: There is a kind of a misperception that when you have self-growth, it has more to do about you than with others. But actually the best way to grow is through connections. So I'm not a proponent of isolating yourselves to grow. And not that you can't have alone time. You know, that's a normal thing. There's nothing wrong with alone time. But people actually evolve and grow often through relationships, and relationships are actually very, very important. It's not like you're selling out because you're needy or you need help from others.

SAMIA: Yeah, no, that is. So that is, please Tell me more about that. Because, you know, relationships, I mean, all of life, in some ways it's about being in relationship. You know, whether it's with yourself, it's with other people, but also our relationship, but the environment and so forth. And in some, I mean, we cannot really exist in a bubble. I mean, even just the way that our own individual self is. It's like there's so many different parts that are in relationship with each other that relate to each other in specific ways that make us the unified person or our sense of unified self that we experience. So it's like, in some ways it's like relationships are integral to every aspect of our being and experience, you know.

JUDITH: Mans is your social animals…

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: ..social there, you know, it's important to be true to yourself, but within a context because otherwise you could get very lonely and very isolated.

SAMIA: Yes.

JUDITH: Having relationships with others, I mean, as long as they're healthy, there's a lot of toxic relationships. That's not necessarily going to help you grow, but in the terms of relationships that encourage your growth, I think is really vital to feeling good about yourself.

SAMIA: Yeah.

JUDITH: That's why having friendships and having relationships with, you know, family, friends, being open to people, open to meeting new people is so important because that is very energizing for us.

SAMIA: Yes.

JUDITH: To be able to evolve as people that we are. Now some people need it more than others, some people want it more than others. But I've never yet met anybody who does better closing themselves off from close relationships. I think those people are often the more, more sad, feeling more isolated or lonely.

SAMIA: Yeah. You know, as you were talking, a couple of movies that I've watched recently sort of popped into my mind because they sort of explore... There were these movies were sort of exploring these tensions that can occur for people in the context of... So the movie I was actually watching just last night was about this couple. And you know, at some point the hero gets offered a job that's out of state. And the heroine, of course, has her own career and profession where they are. And then there's this like whole tension about, oh, will he take the job? Won't he take the job? What will it mean for the relationship? And the thing that, like, I mean, obviously the movie is just made for entertainment purposes. And what they did was like, in some ways, I feel like the storyline just took an easy way out in the sense that they had a fight with each other about him not being upfront with her about this job opportunity that he got. And she was like, just go ahead, just take this job opportunity, blah, blah, blah. And they have a fight and he takes the job opportunity and then they're separated for like several months or whatever, and then his project finishes a few months later. And in that meantime, yeah, she misses him, he misses her. And then he comes back and he's like, oh, I missed us and I want, I love you and I wanted to be together. And then they just got back, back together. But I'm like, they didn't address the issue of what if it happens again? What if he gets another job opportunity that's out of state? How are they going to resolve it? They never talk about it. They just, you know, took the, just they just literally had a fight with each other, broke up, either went off, realized, oh, we miss each other, and then just got back together without talking through, well, what about the next time he has to go out of state for many months on these kind of job opportunities. So it's sort of like I was thinking about it also in the context of like, you know, that idea of feeling selfish or feeling like you're sacrificing something, you know, because it's like the way that they showed his internal dialogue was if I don't take this opportunity, it's like I'm sacrificing my dream, you know, and I'm sacrificing, you know, my own career and this and that to be with this person. But if I take the job opportunity, then I'm sacrificing the relationship. And so I just…

JUDITH: Those situations, it doesn't have to be one or another. Hopefully it can all like work together.

SAMIA: Yeah. What would be a healthier way to think in a situation like this?

JUDITH: Without having seen the movie, I don't know. But I would say that, you know, if he went away to, for something, you know, you still can keep the relationship alive through video and, you know, connectedness and talk about it, you know, so of course in movies they don't usually have that much in depth conversation about that kind of stuff. But I think a lot of, a lot of couples do face that is like, you know, someone has to put their career on a back burner for the other person, particularly if they want family. And it takes a lot of conversation and working together, and compromise.

SAMIA: So in this context, when you think about compromise, you know, like very common understanding around compromise is this idea of you get some of what you want, I get some of what I want. But ultimately, no one's really, truly, completely happy because no one gets everything they want. And that, I mean, is that the best we can do? Or is there an even better way for us to think about how we can make choices in our lives?

JUDITH: Well, if you actually compromise, you focus on what are the benefits of that synergy of compromise instead of what you're missing. So, okay, let's say you get married and you say, well, I'm missing out on all the people I could have met. Well, you make your decision that this is the best decision because I want also that sense of commitment and deeper love and deeper connection. Life is full of alternatives and choices and disappointments. But it doesn't mean you're not going to be happy. Happiness is partly a choice. We might be wired... Some people are wired more to be happy. But you know, you can, you can help it along a lot by having an even mind and realizing you're not going to get everything you want. Because some of those things might really not turn out so great anyway. A lot of times people get what they want, and it doesn't turn out so great. I think better view is to find the silver linings and what you have and focus on, just think of like a, a bagel or donut with a hole in it. Do you focus on the hole, W H O L E the whole thing, or do you focus on the little hole in the middle? What's missing? Some people focus more on what's missing in their lives. And when some people are more, I mean, I guess I would use the term grateful that they look for things to feel grateful for. That doesn't mean you're grateful for everything. There's some things you wish never would happen. But even with the mess, you can find gratitude. And that's why I like the image of Thanksgiving. Because Thanksgiving reminds us how important it is to be thankful. But people who don't incorporate gratitude practice or a sense of gratitude in their daily lives are not going to be happy people. People who are going to be more bitter over things that aren't right versus better because they focused on what is going right. And so I see Thanksgiving as a symbolic holiday of the importance of incorporating gratitude in our life. Just even thinking of, you know, every day I'm going to think of three new things I'm grateful for. So you can't cop out and say, I'm thankful for my job, my kids, whatever. It's like, I'm thankful that I had a nice walk with my daughter. Or like, you know, and like think of three new things every day, and that already can boost your mood.

SAMIA: Yes. I was reading a study that, you know, gratitude is the fastest way to feeling happy. It's like you think grateful thoughts, and it's like the fastest way you can get to feeling happy.

JUDITH: True. But that doesn't mean you want to force gratitude. If you're really not grateful and life has thrown you a big curveball in terms of loss or your health or the health of, you know, loved ones. Sometimes you, you know, you can't be grateful for everything, but you can still try to find some bless in the mess.

SAMIA: Yes. And sometimes you just need to take a little time to grieve or be sad or whatever it is that you're feeling and then come back. To that search for, okay, where is the little blessing I can find in even this situation, as it were. Yeah... Okay. Do you have anything else that you would love to share with our audience, Judith? I think we are going to start wrapping up for today.

JUDITH: I think we covered a lot of things. I hope that I imparted some enthusiasm for how CBT can really change your mind to change your life, and you don't necessarily need to have any deficits in order to improve. We could all use an emotional wellness tune-up up and learning some practical skills and how to deal with everyday life challenges is very doable. And a lot of times it's things that we're not given in terms of our upbringing. We don't... You could be raised by very well-meaning parents who just don't know these things. And so it's nice that we have resources that we can learn to grow and thrive and to be the best you that you can be.

SAMIA: Yes. Thank you so much for that, and for sure. Everything that you shared today, I so enjoyed learning with you and from you. And you have made me more enthusiastic about reviewing some of the CBT tools and techniques that I've learned in the past also and just utilizing them more in a conscious way in my life. So thank you so much, Judith…

JUDITH: Thank you for having me. I really enjoyed talking to you.

SAMIA: Me too... And for our audience, my last reminder is to just please make sure you check the show notes because we will be sharing Judith's links in there so you can connect with her and just continue to learn with her and get the help and support that you need whenever you're ready for it. So until we connect next time, I wish you lots and lots of peace and joy... :)