How to Stop Playing Small & Step Into Your Power!

How to Stop Playing Small & Step Into Your Power!
With Elysia Skye & Samia Bano

Feeling a lack of something, missing a sense of purpose or perhaps feeling afraid to #gobig and truly #liveyourdreamlife?

Listen now to this interview with Elysia Skye, Intuitive #BusinessCoach, #PodcastHost & Speaker to learn how to #stopplayingsmall and #stepintoyourpower now!

Discover how:

-- you can transition from a self-protective mindset to becoming a force for #positivechange

-- #mindfulness can help you #breakfree from past conditioning, #overcometrauma, and create a more conscious, empowered life

-- intuition can guide you in business, life, and personal growth to #liveyourbestlife

-- and so much more!

About Elysia:

Elysia Skye is an award-winning producer, speaker, author, podcast host, and an intuitive business coach. She coaches heart-centered high achievers to embrace a life of aligned abundance.

With her “Brilliance Method” signature programs, podcast and books, Elysia offers mindfulness consulting and business coaching for individuals and corporate teams.

She has been a trusted advisor since 2014, providing stress-reduction seminars and workshops that enhance company culture and productivity.

Elysia’s extensive background includes producing and directing branded content and developing courses for leading universities and companies.

Her clients include major brands such as GAP Inc., L’Oréal, YouTube, Google, and Disney.

Being a mindfulness consultant makes for a very patient and skilled director for talent who are not used to being on camera.

Living in Nashville with her rock star husband and three rescue pets, Elysia believes, “When we are fully present, we make clear decisions, practice excellent self-care, and expand our capacity for kindness.”

Her passion for live music, mindful living, and self-discovery fuels her mission to guide others to a joyful life.

Connect with Elysia now at:
elysiaskye.com
youtube.com/@elysiaskye

And wait there is more!

Check out "The 7 Secrets to Waking Up Happy Every Day" -- your FREE GIFT from Elysia :D

https://sevensecrets.thebrilliancemethod.com/gift-7-secrets

To Book your Free HAPPINESS 101 EXPLORATION CALL with Samia, click: https://my.timetrade.com/book/JX9XJ

Here's the audio version of this episode:

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Full Video Transcript

SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, Privet, Mabuhay, and Dzień Dobry! It's really, really good to be with you again. And I know you'll be so happy you're joining us today because we have a very cool guest with us and actually I would say even a very brilliant guest with us today, and it's Elysia Skye, who is an Intuitive Business Coach. Welcome, Elysia…

ELYSIA: Thank you, Samia. Thank you for having me, dear.

SAMIA: Yes, I so happy to have you. And Elysia, please tell us more about who you are and what you do…

ELYSIA: Oh, thanks, love. Well, I am first and foremost a speaker, author, Intuitive Business Coach. Everything that I do is funneled through my intuition. I believe it's just as important as a sense as seeing, tasting, hearing, all touching all the other ones, right… So intuition led creative person. I'm a video producer, podcast host, you name it, I've probably done it... I've officiated thousands of weddings. I have a handful of Airbnb. So really I'm an entrepreneur at heart. And in all of my years as a successful video producer and, you know, real estate investor and even a non-denominational minister and life coach, wellness coach, kind of taken it all and put it together, filtered through my intuition, said, how can I be the most helpful today? So that's really how I want to show up in the world, is just being a helpful human. I don't know if that's a job…

SAMIA: I love it. I absolutely love it. I absolutely love it. And you know, in some ways I can really relate to that also. I have been through my own journey of, you know, growth and healing, all that good stuff. And the place that I am right now in my life, the most joy I find in life, the most meaningful, purposeful thing that gets me up in the morning is actually wanting to be helpful. And so I appreciate that about you too. Yay…

ELYSIA: So it's so important and I think that's why we connected when we did. And so many people, when they find our way, whether it's to your show or my show or our businesses, they're feeling a lack of… fill in the blank, right. And ultimately what it comes down to is there's a... When you're not feeding your purpose, living on purpose, living your dharma, and for most people that is contributing in some way, you know, whether it's, you know, in a business aspect or on a volunteer aspect or a creative aspect, people tend to feel a bit disconnected. So we are here to help them not feel that way as much. And I believe your audience is aligned with that.

SAMIA: Yes, absolutely, absolutely... You know, we are a community of changemakers. And you know, I think for changemakers, that is one of our defining characteristics, that we are driven to create change not just for ourselves, but also to help others to create positive social change, you know, and so with that, definitely that wanting to help, such a central value and such a central aspect and at the same time, you know, if you're talking about this, what comes to my mind in terms of challenges is, you know, you... I actually was thinking about my own experience and before I got to this point where I'm like, yeah, being a helpful person, that's the most important thing to me. I used to be so much focused on just me before, and I was so just focused on trying to survive and take care of myself. I was hurt. I was traumatized. So of course it makes sense in that state that you be focused on just yourself. But like, for me, what happened was that even after I was physically safe, I was financially safe and secure… I was, you know, like all my basic needs were taken care of…. It still took me years to move away from those, like, old mindsets and habits of just being closed off to try and protect myself, and move into being the helpful human that I love being right now, you know…

ELYSIA: Yeah.

SAMIA: And so maybe that's something we can explore today is, you know, like, when we do close ourselves off and we do play small, what's going on for us? Because even then, even when I did play small, when I was closed off, it's not that I didn't care about other people or I didn't care about creating positive change in society, etc, that I was just too scared to actually step into living that dream, you know…

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ELYSIA: Yeah, I think that's fair. And you know, your story is incredible. And to be where you are now emotionally takes so much self reflection and willingness to look inside, go inside, ask yourself questions and want to be better. You know, we don't have to stay focused always on the past in our therapy and in our coaching in order to heal and move forward. The present moment is so important. And don't discount looking ahead at what you want in your life and for your life. And my hit on that, Samia, is even when you were a little girl, you always still had that dream of where you are now and what else could be, right. I'm going to, I'm going to get myself out of this and then I'm going to help other people... And that's your sweet little soul, like who you came in as is just this caring, compassionate person. So when we talk about powerless, you know, and being powerful and mindful and mindless, you know, they all kind of live in the same world here. And one of my certifications and expertise is in mindfulness. So I want to answer your question with mindfulness in mind. Okay?

SAMIA: Yes, yes.

ELYSIA: So when we are in the present moment and we are experiencing horrific trauma, you know, and some people can only imagine, as long as we are breathing and we know that there's at least some water or food, right. Like we depending on your. You have, if you have the wherewithal to go, in this moment, I am safe. I mean, every moment is safe. But in the moments you are safe, when you remember and you can ground into that, in this moment, I am safe. And all you don't have to worry might happen next and what just happened to you, right now I'm safe. Right now I'm safe... And I went to hypnotherapy college. I'm not a practicing professional hypnotherapist, but I love studying the mind, human behavior. I went to college for psychology. You know, we never stopped learning. And one thing that I learned about the brain is that when you are between the ages of about two and eight, nine, that is when the majority of your life experiences get stored for your responses. So much of our learned behavior, our reactions and our responses are programmed in that little us, little teeny tiny us between 2 and 9 years old, right. So, so when you look at, oh, what did I learn during those ages? Doesn't mean that you're not going to learn a programmed behavior before or after that. But primarily, what did I learn in those ages about my safety, my security, my insecurity, my confidence, my power, my disempowerment, right? Who I am, am I safe to express myself? Am I safe to ask for what I want? And if you weren't, and then you slowly but surely get to be or decide you are, depending on the situation, sometimes both. Sometimes deciding you are helps make it happen, if you want to get into manifestation, right. But once we are there and you have the mindfulness wherewithal to go, wow, I'm actually not in that situation anymore. And you observe yourself responding for the first time in a different way, that's when the real change starts to happen. Number one, acknowledging yourself that you did just respond in a different way than you normally would have, that you're becoming healthier. And then two, having gratitude, oh my gosh, I didn't react the way I used to. And then, okay, if I can do it once, I can do it again. It doesn't mean you're going to be successful every time. And you know, I grew up with a very Buddhist background and in Buddhism we learn about sanzoshima, which is every time you want to change your karma, the universe goes, are you sure? And we might be presented with a situation to just test us. Have you actually learned this lesson again? It might not mean you're in danger again, but it might mean you're put in a situation where you feel, oh, am I safe? My safe to respond the way that I've now grown into remembering that I'm…

SAMIA: Yes.

ELYSIA: Does that make sense?

SAMIA: Yes, it does. And you know, the thing about it also is when we get placed in those similar feeling situations, it's not just am I ready to commit to the change, it's also the universe, I think, giving us an opportunity to practice our more positive response and get better and better and stronger at it. Because there are things that you just cannot learn in life without that practice, without that doing. I, you know, like I'm just thinking right now about when I started consciously working on becoming happier. And they're like, start learning like specific skills or how to take control of, you know, your happiness. And you know, so you have a skill like practicing non judgment. Okay, now that's very, very, I mean broadly applicable skill. But I remember thinking about it in specific contexts and being challenged by it in specific contexts at different points. So for example, being challenged with being non judgmental towards a particular person in my life, that I made a decision that, okay, you know what, I want to improve my relationship with this person. And so I'm going to practice being non judgmental towards them. And so I make that decision with good intention and good feeling. And then, you know, you... But only by interacting with them on a consistent basis do I get to really live into that reality. Because I remember I made this intention with this particular person and then sometime passed by, I was like, wow, I'm doing so well. I'm doing so well. I'm really improving my relationship with this person. Until one day they did something that totally triggered, triggered me... And it was so quick and easy for me to fall back into the judgment. And then, you know, it took me a while to remember, oh wait, practicing non judgment around them and with regards to them. And then it was like, "Oh, am I still willing to do that? Yes, yes, I am, I am..." And so you know…

ELYSIA: Beautiful question…

SAMIA: ...right?

ELYSIA: Yeah. And I love that. I hope everyone listening or watching asks themselves that when they slip up and go, "Huh, am I still willing to do that?" Because the answer could be no. The answer could be, you know what? No, I just need to be friggin pissed off right now. And right? And okay, then feel it, feel it fully. Don't bury it. And then, okay, how do I respond? How do I stand up for myself? How do I speak my truth? And ultimately, to become non-judgmental, there's a forgiveness process that occurs. And you know, when we think about forgiveness, we assume we have to forgive the other person, but ultimately, what you just described is you have to forgive yourself for having the judgment. And when you look at the great masters who have taught forgiveness, Buddha, Jesus, Moses, Mary Magdalene, you know, Mother Teresa, like these kind, amazing, brilliant human beings. Looking now at Eckhart Tolle and Wayne Dyer and students of a Course in miracles, right? It's like we have to forgive ourselves. And that doesn't mean we are blaming ourselves or punishing ourselves. And when we have that act of judgment, which where does it come from? Right... It comes from fear. I'm. You said I'm triggered. I'm afraid it's going to turn out like this again. Okay.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ELYSIA: ..I judged. Maybe I was right to judge. Now I get to forgive that. I think I was right to judge. Now I get to forgive that. I judged and all the while working to forgive that person.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah, yeah…

ELYSIA: In my world, it like always comes back to forgiveness.

SAMIA: Yes, no, I hear you, I hear you. Wait, you did... Do you think it is actually possible for us to practice deep forgiveness when it comes to our relationships with others? If we don't practice deep forgiveness with ourselves?

ELYSIA: I believe anything is possible... But I think the faster path is to make sure you're doing both. And we have to forgive ourselves. And if you feel like they're guilty but you're not guilty, what's that about, right? Where's that self-righteousness there? Now I want to be really conscious that there are true victims in the world who have been through horrific shit, right? So when you look at it that way, okay, yes, we are victimized, we can be victimized, but as you know, it's a choice to stay a victim or not, right. So when you're talking about making change, okay, I'm going on a journey to be happier. I'm choosing to no longer be a victim. I'm reclaiming my life. And you know, you've done the work. When you reflect back on the people who have hurt you and you want to wish them peace and love. Because if the horrible, angry, violent, terrible people in this world had peace and love, they would be less horrible…

SAMIA: Yeah. Are not horrible at all.

ELYSIA: Right.

SAMIA: That, yeah... You know, that is…

ELYSIA: ...loved…

SAMIA: Yeah. Yes, I think people don't always realize and recognize that that is something that they really need and want at a conscious level. Like I've actually, but  I agree with you. I think truly that is really, really, when you, if you have the, you know, like really wanting to understand your own motivation and why you're doing what you're doing, really understanding yourself in that way and, and you do that digging, you will come to realize. Yeah, ultimately what I do want is that love, to receive the love and also to be able to give love and everything else really, in a way, is just an attempt to make that happen. But it's like not everyone has that awareness. You know, it's like you're the, the surface level awareness is being driven by our fears. It's being driven by, you know, like other feelings that we don't associate with needing and wanting to love and be loved.

ELYSIA: Yeah. And when we look at someone who has been unloved in their life and treated that way, you might ask, well, what is there to forgive of yourself if you were the one being abused, right. And what comes to mind is, can I forgive myself for believing I was unlovable for even a moment and then find that I am lovable?

SAMIA: Yeah. That is a powerful one. Yes... Wait, let me actually think about that for a moment.

ELYSIA: Yeah.

SAMIA: To forgive myself for believing that I was unlovable even for a moment... Okay, wait. But this raises for me the question, what do you mean by forgiveness in this context?

ELYSIA: Forgiveness context is the opposite of self judgment, self criticism, low self esteem, empowerment, learned behaviors of abuse survivors and violence survivors and anyone who has ever been treated poorly. We develop these behavior patterns and these reactions to think, "Oh, I'm not good enough, I'm fundamentally flawed. There's something wrong with me. I'm not lovable, I'm not pretty, I'm not smart, I'm not all the things that we are", Right? So, oh my goodness, someone, we gave someone permission to take that power from us. And God bless us, we were young, we didn't know better. But now we can go, "Huh? I get to forgive myself for believing I was unlovable for even a moment because I am loved." And then the process in that is love, love, love... Not shame, not guilt, not I could have, or I should have done it differently or better. No, you did it exactly. If you could have done it better, you would have, you know... So now you get to have that deep, beautiful love for yourself to start healing. I'm not asking you to, like, go love and enjoy the people that hurt you. You know, I mean, that's like some good Buddha Jesus stuff right there.

SAMIA: Yeah…

ELYSIA: ..They got really good at that... When we go through a process of forgiving ourselves for whatever it is that we might feel sad, guilty, shame, fear about, fearful about. It's not a process of, ugh, you know, self love... You know, I. I should have done this, or I should have known better. I should have asked for help or I should have. No, don't shit on yourself, as they say, right. You get to go. I am lovable. I was always, I was always lovable... I am love. That's what I'm made of. That's what our souls are made of. That's what I believe God is made of. We are all a part of this consciousness of love, whatever it is you believe in, it's just the energy of the universe. And in the perfection of love, when you have something that is perfect, there is nothing that is imperfect... The imperfections are the illusion, that is the ego, that is the mind. Going, "Oh, yeah, you really are dumb. You really are ugly. You really are not worthy of having happiness and safety and health." Right? And it's like, why? Why would we ever think that or believe that, right. You go to interview for a job, oh, I don't know, they're probably not going to pick me. It's like, if you're qualified enough and you're a nice person, you have just as good a chance as anybody else, right. So it really is a process of love and finding ways to use love as a tool for healing. You know, I'm not asking you to, quote, unquote, love yourself in a rainbows and unicorns way. That's like, okay, well, I'm going to love every single thing about me. There might be things about you that you actually don't really like that whole, whole lot, right? So I'm not asking you to go and look at the dark stuff that you don't like. I'm asking you to love and shine light on the beautiful parts of yourself that you know are so wonderful, that we're always within you, that nobody gets to beat out of anybody. Even if we dim our light sometimes to rebuild ourselves or to stay safe, it is always within us. Every person on this planet, every animal, every plant, every tree, we have that light. That's our consciousness. That's our love. So we have it within us to heal ourselves. It helps to have external conversations, life coaches, therapists, books, podcasts, all those things... Yes. And the number one tool you have is your own heart. You are lacking nothing. And if you forget that, you get to have a little mini forgiveness process and go, I am abundant. I am infinite abundance. I am love..

SAMIA: Well, I really love to be in that consciousness where I can actually be aware of that for myself. And though just to challenge you, but just so you can go deeper, right.

ELYSIA: Yeah.

SAMIA: So you just said, okay, so I'm not asking you to go love yourself in the unicorn and rainbows kind of way where you're also looking at those parts of you that you don't like so much. But are you saying that in that context that I don't ever have to look at those dark parts too of myself, and even without doing so, I can still love myself in this way that you are. Are describing, where I get to realize that I am made of love, that I am so lovable and so worthy and so forth... Because I mean, you know, if I have all these dark parts that I know, not know, but think I have, then how can I, at the same time, be like, "Oh, no, but I'm perfectly, imperfectly perfect at the same time..." You know what I mean? Like…

ELYSIA: All right, ready?

SAMIA: Yeah.

ELYSIA: Okay, number one disclaimer. If anybody has serious, legitimate trauma, please do not ignore your trauma, right. Work through your trauma so that you can be a happier person, so that you can be a functioning adult to live the life that you want to live, right. As much as we possibly can based on what we've gone through, ask for help and receive help. And sometimes in the process of receiving that help, yes, you will look at that stuff. So I'm not saying no, you never will... What I'm asking you is to shift your focus. A miracle is a shift in perception. Shift your focus to the things that are absolutely brilliant about you. And the more you focus on that, the less the other stuff is in the forefront, okay... Then it just moves to the background. So if you're always focusing on, let's say somebody wants to lose weight and all they think about and all they talk about, and it's like, okay, dieting, okay, dieting. And I hate the way I look and I don't like the way my clothes fit. And that's all they talk about. It's all they think about. It's like, okay, well, what actually do you like about yourself? And is there a healthy food you enjoy? And is there any form of exercise you enjoy? Right... And so I'll use myself as an example because I'm not a big exerciser, but I love to swim and I love to go walk in nature, right. So, okay, I'm not going to torture myself on a treadmill every day and beat myself up that I've got 10 pounds that's been hanging out for 20 years, okay? But what I can do is enjoy going swimming and enjoy going walking and hiking and walking my dogs and see that my body becomes fitter and stronger, my heart and lungs are healthier and happier. So ultimately I become the version of myself I've always wanted to be by looking at the parts of myself that I actually love, that I like and where I have strength. Okay? Now if you look at. Okay, well, I want to make it... use the diet example again. It's very relatable for people.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ELYSIA: If you go, okay, well, what about food choices? Right. Some people just do not like vegetables, okay. So it's like, okay, I'm not telling you to eat something or to not eat something, but if you have a pizza, hamburger, fast food addiction, and you hate vegetables and you know that you have to eat healthier. Anyone I've ever asked, is there one healthy food or one type of thing that you actually like and everyone has something. Oh yeah, I actually really like apples or yeah, I really like trail mix. I really like, you know, this, this, this, it's like, okay, great, so just bring a little bit more of that in, right. Start there... I'm not trying to be a health coach or anything, but what I'm saying is we can start to make better choices in the direction of the areas in our life that we already feel proud of or feel joy towards or don't dislike. So many people don't like pretty much anything about themselves.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah.

ELYSIA: And that's really hard. So it's like, well, I don't, I don't have a thing I like about myself. It's like, okay, yeah, distill it down. There's got to be something. And usually it's well, I'm kind to people. Awesome. Let's spend more time being kind to people. And then if you spend more time being kind to people, what's going to happen? People are going to start complimenting you. People are going to be inviting you to do things. You're going to start dating, you're going to start relationships, right. You're naturally going to have a higher self esteem and then you choose, you know, the vegetable platter over the cheeseburger once in a while, right. So you get what I'm saying, Samia? Your life starts to show up in the way you want it when you focus on where it is, where your heart is already led. Not where the dark ____ is that you're constantly beating yourself up about. Again, it goes back to manifestation. What you focus on expands. What do you want more of in your life?

SAMIA: Yes. Okay. I have a, I have a question for you…

ELYSIA: Go babe.

SAMIA: Okay. So I think this is where a lot of people get tripped up because, yeah, I get you what you're saying about focus on what you do love. Focus on what you are good at. Use those as the building blocks to grow better, right. And actually that's my approach too. I'm on board with you about that., right.

ELYSIA: Good.

SAMIA: The question or the challenge that I find people always get tripped up around is so like let's say I say I want to lose that 10 pounds or I want to start eating healthier. What's my actual thinking where I'm, you know, where I'm trying to be non-judgmental and loving with myself as to why do I want to lose that 10 pounds, you know, because the, how did I... Because for most people, the way they even come to this conclusion that this is something, what they want to strive for is through a thinking process of, oh, the fact that I have these extra 10 pounds, first of all, the fact that I think these are extra pounds is a judgment. Okay. Then I think that having this extra boundage on me is somehow a bad thing. And I relate that to, oh, no, like this is something that's bad about me. Like, I don't like this about me. This somehow makes me less desirable. And so that's why I want to change this and step into a new reality where I don't have all this extra boundage, and then I get to be a better version of me. And you see, I mean, right there, there is judgment.

ELYSIA: Yeah. No, you're absolutely right. And you know, we could go back to saying, okay, well then forgive yourself for thinking there's anything wrong with you in the first place, right. And of course that's ultimately where we want to get to. But from a human practical perspective, and the ego is very strong and the ego will continue to tell you those stories, you have to remember that underneath every thought we have that thought that, "Huh? Like why you said, why do I want to lose 10 pounds? Is there something flawed with me? Why do I think this extra weight is not great, right? Is not healthy or whatnot? Where does that come from?" There is a sub-thought underneath every thought that is driving our intention. There might even be a sub-thought under that thought that is driving our intention. So all of these things will work in tandem, all of these types of processes. Everything from I want to be kinder to myself, right. When I say the process of forgiving ourselves, it's as simple as I get to be kinder to myself and then making kind choices to ourselves. And when somebody is really drilling it down, why is this extra weight not good for me? If they actually believe that that is true, they get to go into their sub-thought of, where did this come from? Did my doctor tell me this? Do I have a false assumption of what modern-day beauty is supposed to be? Did anyone in the past call me a bad name having to do with my weight? Can I forgive them? Can I start to release that judgment? Right... So ultimately we're always doing this work. It's like it never ends. But that's the good stuff because we get to go a little bit further every single day. You know, fortunately, I hope for, for everyone listening you get to live a long, healthy, beautiful life. And if we have 24 hours in a day, and however many minutes that is, and however many moments that is, if we can choose to be kinder to ourselves and kinder to those thoughts, kinder to our body, more loving to ourselves, and to start making bold, uncomfortable choices, to go, you know what? Maybe everyone else is out there, is so used to me doing this, but truly, this is what I want to do. And then start to shift it, even if it makes other people uncomfortable. Right? I had a friend come over. She was cleaning out my closet, and she was like, she was helping me. She was holding up each thing going, does it spark joy? It was like after the Marie Kondo craze, right. She's like, does this spark joy? I'm like, I don't know. She's like, try it on, try it on... And at the end of it, she goes, Elysia, all your clothes are big on you. And I was like, what are you talking about? She's like, all your clothes are big on you. None of your clothes fit you. And I was like, I like. I like comfortable, loose clothes, right? And so then I had to go, "Huh? I am so used to wearing bigger clothes to be comfortable. What's going on there?" Oh, if I start wearing tighter clothing, am I too sexual? Is that not professional? Do I, you know, I don't want to be attracting other men. Attention of men. I'm married, right? I had to look at, why aren't I wearing things that actually fit me, right? Right. And so I got to ask myself and tell myself, I'm safe to be sexy no matter what size I am, I'm safe to be... I'm safe for men to be attracted to me even if I'm married, right. And that's a big one for women to feel safe to be, for men to be attracted to them. So I had to look at, where does all that come from and go through my own trauma around it and go, you know what? I'm gonna go buy a really cute, tight T-shirt, and I'm gonna wear it with some baggy jeans. And I will do that until I'm comfortable wearing the skinny jeans, right. And so it's one step at a time, one moment at a time. But it's to your point, Samia. It's a process... They're all kind of working together. But like you said in the beginning, the second you sit here and go, oh, man, screw that guy when I was 14 who told me I was fat and da, da, da, da... Right? It's like, oh, maybe that's where some of it comes like, okay, why do I need to keep giving power to that situation? I don't... So every time I'm critical about what I put in my mouth or what I wear, I'm giving power to that dude from 1995. No, thank you. Then I can turn it around and go, I am worthy of being loved. I am beautiful. I am kind. I am loved... It's been proven over and over. Am I willing to look at that? Am I willing to stop and see that?

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah.

ELYSIA: Am I uncomfortable with that? And breathe... God, this human game is so hard.

SAMIA: But we will make it fun and easy. We will, we will…

ELYSIA: We will, we will... It's funny. I interviewed my friend Andrea Quinn on my podcast recently, and she goes, it's all hard. Choose your hard. You were screwed at hello. She was cracking me up. She was like, you came in wearing a diaper. You're already covered in poop day one. Like, it's not great. It doesn't start great, right? Choose your hard. You can choose. And it's like, let's just choose love. There's always going to be things that get in the way of our joy and our happiness. It's up to us if that's what we choose to focus on.

SAMIA: Yes, yes, I agree with you. You know, the question that is coming to my mind now is, you know, for me, I came to the perspectives and these realizations, and I felt really comfortable to sort of make them my own when I started to really take a more spiritual approach to living my life and becoming more spiritual conscious of, you know. Yeah, this is my reality at a spiritual level. You know, when you are... When you are looking at things from this kind of spiritual perspective and spiritual level, it's really, I think, much easier, certainly, to see that, yes, we are love. We are from love. Everything is love. Everything that is happening is an expression of love. And even at a human level, if it's not that, it's someone, even if it in the moment, it's like, oh, no, no, this person's doing something that's really, really, really objectively, horrendously hurtful. It's like, you know, to recognize that they are, in their maybe somewhat unwise way, trying to receive and give love. You know, so all of that. But that's all when. But you can see and think and connect to all of that when you take this more spiritual approach. But if you are not... If you don't have that in your life. Like, I remember one time, this was my first time actually, that I had a really feeling, serious, meaningful relationship with someone who said, I don't believe in God. And they were like, yeah, I just don't believe in God. It was actually one of my philosophy professors in college because, you know, I grew up in a very religious sort of traditional environment, and so I never really ever interacted with someone who said, I don't believe in God. And so this was my professor in college, and this was not something we were talking about in class, but during office hours. And actually, after I had already aced class and was not officially his student anymore. But there was just something like, he was like, really cool. He was really cool. He really challenged my thinking, really challenged my ideas at so many different levels. And so I love to just go and talk to him about all kinds of things.

And I remember this one conversation where we were like, talking about, well, then how do you figure out what is right and what is wrong? Because, like, for me, as somebody who had always grown up in a religious context, you know, like, for me it was always like, well, God has revealed to us, or God says that this is right, that is wrong. Or someone who speaks, who said or thinks they know what God said has told me, like, that this is right and this is wrong, like that kind of a thing. But if there's no God, then how do we even begin to figure it out? And he was like, we're on our own. You just have to accept it that as humans, we are on our own and we have to figure it out for ourselves. And there's no guarantee that you will reach the right answer or that there is even a right answer... And, you know, and so, like, in that. And there's like, so many more people that I keep coming across who are sort of not able to... They're sort of like their experience of faith and religion especially that they've grown up with, it's become something that they can't relate to anymore. And, you know, those perspectives and those communities are not serving them anymore. And in some ways they are finding them actually…

ELYSIA: ..like, hurtful.

SAMIA: Hurtful, right? And so then there's like, just so much feeling lost. And so, you know, and you don't feel connected to your... You can't even be sure in that there is anything spiritual. And, you know, like, you and I have been talking, like, just taking it for granted, but I am coming across so many people for whom even that is a question mark. And so is there anything that, like, if one finds themselves in that kind of very doubtful moment because even for those of us who do have a certain belief system or structure that we are part of, we can even find ourselves doubting in some moment. Like just yesterday, I was watching a drama, and there was this like really the emotional scene of a mom just having lost her child who committed suicide because of some trauma that the child went through. And the mom is like, I don't know in this moment, like she was like, does God even exist? And why would if… Because I don't believe that a God that I thought was supposed to be a loving God but ever let something like this happen, you know. So like even people of faith and find themselves in these moments of like, no, I don't even know what if spiritual, these kinds of spiritual ideas have any basis in reality or if it's just something that I'm making up to make myself feel better. And so then what do you anchor yourself to, to like get back to feeling or knowing that no, it is like there is love, that I am love, that I am worthy of love and all of that, you know?

ELYSIA: Yeah, I do. And if, you know, there's a lot of people who don't believe in God. And if you and I pretended for a moment that we don't. The first question you asked of like discerning good from bad, right? How do you discern good from bad if there's no God, if there's no karma, if there's no next life, if there's no punishment, if there's not... If there's... If none of it matters, right? And what truly matters is the philosophy of do no harm, do not harm other people, do not cause harm to anyone or any, you know, living thing out of, out of malice, out of fear, out of jealousy, out of any fear, fear based reason, of course, right. Do no harm... And some people think, well, I have to make this choice out of love. And it's like, do no harm if we can just. As much as we can. Do no harm as much as we can... Sometimes we don't realize and sometimes there's a byproduct of something we're participating in that is harmful, right. And we don't need to get into the politics of clothing manufacturers and the big stores we shop at and the places we order from online. Like, you know, if we were adding up points like in the show, the Good Place, we would all be totally screwed, right. I love that show, by the way. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's so good, right. So when we go, okay, I'm gonna do the best I can today to be kind and to be loving. If I realize that I have been hurtful, I will take responsibility for that. I will forgive myself. I will apologize to that person and that situation, and I will do my best to make it right. Because even if there is no God and even if the lights turn out at the end of this lifetime and that's it, and we are just dust to come back as a tree, which I also believe has, you know, its own soul energy. But if none of that is real, then all that matters is the impact that we've made on everyone else around us. And it's a domino effect of either kindness or pain, of either love or fear, that we are imprinting on the rest of humanity and this planet. So for my atheists out there, I love you so much. Your only job is do no harm. I don't need you to believe in what I believe in. I just want you to be a kind person to yourself and others. And then when we experience terrible things like losing our child or going through illness ourself or anything of that sort, and we go, is God even here? It's like, well, if you have faith, then yes, right. Then that's up to you. That is ultimately a decision for every single person to make for themselves about why do we experience such deep, horrific grief and pain? And different philosophers have different answers to that. Some people say, well, this is life's school... This is a playground to learn lessons and karma and come back a better person. Other philosophers believe that none of that really matters. All that really matters is to truly know yourself, right. Because if we are love and we are here experiencing pain when we're back home, you know, in the superconscious or heaven or whatever you want to call it, if all there is is love. How would you ever know the opposite of love unless you came here and experienced fear and pain? So, you know, I wouldn't wish it on anybody but that mother losing that child has a closer relationship to God than the rest of us because she knows what it truly feels like to love, to love her child, to love someone, which brings her closer to God. But I wouldn't expect her to get there right away or even in this lifetime, right. What a horrible thing to learn.

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah.

ELYSIA: It's whatever fits your lifestyle, your heart, your belief system. And it's one moment at a time for all of us. There's no one-size-fits-all all answer to spirituality.

But at the end of the road, we can choose love or we can choose fear.

SAMIA: Yes. I like your approach of, you know, let's come to an agreement with ourselves at least, that we will commit to doing no harm. Because even if you are confused at a philosophical level of what the reality is of what things are, that is a very sensible value to commit to do no harm…

ELYSIA: And it can get tricky, Samia, you know, it can get tricky.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ELYSIA: Especially if you're talking about triage, right. Or they say casualties of war or whatever it is. So as long as you know you are doing the best you can with what you've got. And some people who we may or may not agree with politically think they're doing the best they can with what they've got for the greater good, or, sorry, my dogs are barking, or for their own personal good, right? So you get to check yourself and go, whose good is this for?

SAMIA: Right.

ELYSIA: And try as much as you can to do for the greater good, but without doing harm. And that also means try not to harm yourself, please... And we harm ourselves with so many thoughts, with so many perceptions, with so much mindless worry and garbage talk and thinking that we're not anything but amazing. Like, it's a miracle that we're even here, that sperm found that egg and it found its way, and then it survived 40 weeks or so in a womb. I was born early, but it's like. It's a freaking miracle... It's like all a miracle that we're here. And then it just comes back to gratitude, right?

SAMIA: Indeed, indeed... Oh, gosh, you've just brought up so much, Elysia, that we could dig deeper into... I'm, like, serious. I'm like, oh, God, I don't think I should ask you another question, because then that will make us go for another hour of conversation right now. And we probably wrap up for today.

ELYSIA: Well, yeah. These are things I love to talk about, you know. And I don't believe I'm really right about anything. I really believe that everyone is welcome to their own perspective. What I believe, what I say and what I teach is right for me, and it's right for my clients who feel aligned with it when they come into my world. And if it'll be right for them for the rest of their life, that doesn't matter either, right. So when we look at right and wrong, good and bad, all that stuff, it's like, be kind to yourself. Be loving to yourself. Make the best choice for you and your family and your community and this planet and everyone, regardless of race and gender identity or where they came from, where they're going, what they believe in, if they believe in something opposite of you. There has never been a greater time on this planet to practice kindness, compassion and forgiveness than right now, right now in America and in this world. I mean, come on. It's been delivered to us.

SAMIA: ..okay, but now you're making me have to ask another question…

ELYSIA: Okay, one more…

SAMIA: ..because. Because look, I'm with you. I'm totally with you on this idea of let's be kind to everyone and our whole planet. That is absolutely what I want. And yet, you know, the reality for the vast majority of people is that at the level of consciousness that we are, at the level of awareness that we are, our understanding of reality as it is, which I like, from my perspective, is not very spiritually grounded, there is no way you can even motivate yourself to treat someone who is not a part of your circle of concern to you just cannot treat those other people who are not already a part of your circle of concern the same way you treat the people who are part of your circle of concern. And your circle of concern is for most people, relatively small. Like, even with a simple thing like, you know, when you talk about, for example, you just used a bunch of, you know, like, regardless of race, regardless of like, even if... Let's just say talk about race, there are people who just... Who literally cannot see people of a different race in their full humanity. It's like they just can't see it, that this person maybe... I mean, I don't know how deep inset in the psychology the dehumanization even goes, but, you know, the fact is that they're like, if it's an issue of race, there are people who literally cannot see the humanity of the persons who are of this, of the other race. Says when it comes to like, other characteristics based on what we face prejudice and discrimination and all of that, it's the same thing. Like, people literally cannot see the humanity of the other. You know, and so again, it's sort of like... And like, for me, that comes from not being as aware of our reality from a spiritual perspective, not being as connected to our spiritual realities. Because when you are coming from that spiritual awareness, you're like, "Oh, we are connected. We are one." But when you are not so connected to that spiritual reality or that spiritual perspective, then you literally cannot see that you are connected, that you are what you know. And then you don't, you don't treat like when you don't see someone else as a human, I mean in their full humanity, then you are very free to treat them like not human, like a thing… And then you, and then you get to kill them or let them die and not even feel bad about it or that feel that there's anything wrong with that because they're not human, you know, in that sense... So I mean, that's a serious challenge, you know. And so that's why I'm like, how do you... So if I'm having these and we all have some area or the other where we have this kind of disconnect, and we are not even realizing it sometimes, but other times we are being challenged about it and then we get up in arms and you double down on our biases and whatever. So I mean, what, so then how can we be like, "Oh no, no, I'm going to love everyone. I'm going to love everything, regardless of who, you know, there are in terms of race, gender, etc., etc..." You know?

ELYSIA: So everybody deserves compassion and from a human perspective, justice. You know, we're a big society about justice being served, right. So justice will be served whether it is karmically or whether it is actual punishment by law when it comes to some of those things. Okay. I believe it will balance itself out. Now that doesn't mean we don't make change. We don't vote the way we want to. We don't donate to charities that can help those causes, protect those people. That way we, you know, of course we want to give money and provide opportunities for minorities and different situations and women and all that stuff, right. The do gooders keep doing good. And don't forget that hurt people, hurt people. If someone is in pain, they might cause pain. If they learned to be in pain and they learned that they are worthless and useless, then they will treat other people that way. Not always, right. Some of us go the complete opposite way. We're like, I just, now I need to, now I need to fawn and prove my kindness and prove my love because I think I'm so worthless. So it's going to go one way or the other if you don't work on it, right. And so when we remember that hurt people, hurt people, if we can show them compassion, it doesn't mean we let them off the hook. It doesn't mean we tell them what they're doing is fine, but we can show them compassion. Even prisoners who are locked up, who have done terrible crimes, they have the right to compassion.

They have the right to a mattress, even if it's this thin, full of springs, not just a concrete floor, right. They have a right to some compassion. And as I said earlier, if ultimately the reason why people are horrible is because they are not experiencing love, either they're not allowing themselves to receive it, or they just haven't received it. If they can receive love, they will be kinder. So our job as lightworkers and as change makers and as spiritualists, you and I and anyone else who's listening, and if you're not, do no harm, be compassionate. If somebody needs justice to be served, then you want to participate in that, then participate in that. But, yeah, the best that we can do is be kind. And it doesn't mean we don't vote. It doesn't mean, you know, in America we serve on a jury. If we want the right to vote, we might get called to jury duty. So it's like, okay, do I need to be on a jury to say this person is going to jail? Maybe if I think they did a terrible thing, but I still want them to be treated with compassion. And some people say this person did something so horrible, they don't deserve a mattress, they don't deserve a pillow. They deserve to be in a dark room forever. They will get theirs... And keep in mind, the ego is the most powerful punisher of all. The fact that they even got caught, right, the shame that they feel, the fact that they're locked in, they can't go and do hurt more people, the frustration of that, you know, I'm not saying it's a perfect system, but then that goes into, I believe, next life karma, too. So that's why I don't like to be on juries, because I believe in karma. But it's tricky, sweetheart. But I hear you. You know, there's just racism ingrained in people from their upbringing or their pain, and they have an opportunity to unlearn it and to be better. You know, I know that this episode will be coming out, you know, at some point in the first half of 2025, but we're recording it currently right before Christmas. And one of my favorite movies that I watch every year around this time is Scrooge with Bill Murray. Have you ever seen it?

SAMIA: Yes. Yes. I'm not sure if I've seen a version with Bill Murray. I don't know who Bill Murray is, but I've definitely seen versions of the Scrooge movie.

ELYSIA: Right. So, like A Christmas Carol, you know, the guy who's a total asshole, and then the ghosts come and show him his past, his present, and what his future looks like if he continues to be an asshole. And this character for 90 minutes is such a jerk, and then all of a sudden, he can change. All of a sudden, he can choose. I want to believe in miracles. I want to be kinder. It's so much easier... Oh, my gosh. It's so much easier to just be kind to this kid on the street who needs food than it is to yell at him and kick him when I walk by. It takes so much more energy to go kick somebody than it does to hand somebody a dollar, right. So when we realize that it's actually easier to choose kindness than it is to choose violence and anger and judgment, not just for ourselves, but others, life just gets better for everybody. And that's one of my favorite things in that story. The Muppets did one, too. There's a Muppets Christmas Carol.

SAMIA: Ahh…

ELYSIA: Okay. It's all the same story, but ultimately, Ebenezer Scrooge goes, I'm just gonna change. I get to decide to change the way that I said, my friend went through my closet. And I was like, I'm gonna start wearing clothes that fit better. You just have to have that miracle, that shift in perception, to go, actually, I can make a different choice. And even if it's a little bit uncomfortable at first, and other people are used to me doing this. Other people in Scrooge are just used to him being an asshole. They just expect it. And then they're uncomfortable going, wait, why is he being nice to me? They have to learn a new response and a new behavior. When we change, other people around us have to change. And so many of us are afraid to make change fun and easy because they think other people are going to be uncomfortable with it. That's not your problem…

SAMIA: Yeah.

ELYSIA: Just be kind.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. And, you know, I think what you just said about it actually being easier to be kind, and I think for me, that is actually a good perspective to take and to leave our audience. But instead, even if everything is very confusing philosophically and so forth, in terms of what to believe, what not to believe, etcetera, if you can maybe just commit to following the, your own feelings in terms of do what makes you feel better, like more happy, more peaceful, more content, more loved. Do those things. Do more of those things and less of everything else. Then I think, you know, we can be heading in the right direction. And I think that should... I hope that is something that everyone can commit to with relative ease for themselves. That, yeah, I want to do what makes me feel more happy, more beautiful, peaceful, more content, and other good feelings like that. Because I think everyone wants to feel those good feelings. So just do more of what makes you feel good, like that.

ELYSIA: That's right. Do more of what makes you happy, and it invites other people into that happiness. And if, for whatever reason, if what makes you happy is hurtful to other people, then you get to ask yourself, why is it hurtful to other people? And am I doing harm? And if I'm doing harm, maybe don't. Maybe let's start taking that one off the list. And if other people are unhappy because they're jealous or they're judging you, then we get to practice forgiveness and we get to have communication. And maybe we sometimes change our friends in our environment, too. It happens.

SAMIA: Yeah. Okay.

ELYSIA: So depends on the situation.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ELYSIA: We'll have a part two…

SAMIA: Yes…

ELYSIA: We'll have a part two in six months from now. How about that?

SAMIA: Let's do it, let's do it…

ELYSIA: Oh, well, what a joy. Thank you for going deep with me. I can't help it.

SAMIA: Thank you, Elysia. I love that you go deep. I love that you are willing to go deep with me right now and with our audience right now. And I so appreciate all of this time that you have taken with us. And my very last reminder to our audience is to please make sure you check the show notes. You don't have to wait till the next episode with Elysia comes out. Connect with her now using the links that we are including for her in the show notes, and just get the help and support you need whenever you feel ready for it. And until we connect next time, I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy...:)