SAMIA: Hello, Salam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Hola, Ciao and Bonjour!It's so good to be with you and I'm extra extra super happy and excited because we have such a special guest with us today and it's Bola... wait help me pronounce your last name Bola...

BOLA: Bola Abimbola...

SAMIA: ..there we go and Bola is an amazing clarity and emotional freedom coach she's also an emotional intelligence expert and actually she's so much more than that and I'm going to ask you now Bola to please jump in and tell us more about who you are and what you do…

BOLA: Thank you thank you Samia it's so nice to be here thank you for inviting me and I love the resonance that we have it's so nice because we are in very similar niches and it's always nice to collaborate with those who you share a connection with in mind body and spirit so thank you for inviting me… yes as you said I am a Clarity and Emotional Freedom Coach and an Emotional Intelligence Expert in that I really give talks about how to really bridge the gaps… bridge the gaps to really connect more to who we really are I'm also a reiki specialist here in the UK as well as a… now I've forgotten the last thing I do... I'm a certified Trauma Recovery Coach from the international association of trauma recovery coaching in the US So really I help men and women from all walks of life to really remember who we are to read you know to release the fears and the doubts that tend to stop us from really remembering that we are already in flow we already have intuition we can manage most of the things that come to us and it's not about what happens is about how we respond to it you know and that we can be happy but we have to have a particular set of toolkits that really helps us to connect to these parts of us It's parts of us that are already filled with unconditional love we are loved we are lovable and we are loved and sometimes we have to remember these things So really the work I do is really about helping us remember these things and releasing the doubts and the fears that tend to really disconnect us because of all the conditioning that we have had trauma that we've had sometimes so that's what I do I am... I use mindfulness meditation stillness and a number of tools… I have a degree in psychology and I've worked in the field of psychology as well as trauma recovery and teaching trauma recovery as well as reiki energy and I've done that for over 20 years…

SAMIA: That is so cool...

BOLA: Yeah so that's what I do…

SAMIA: Oh thank you for sharing that Bola and can you share a little bit more with us about what got you into this work…

BOLA: Yes yes when I was... now I started when I was much younger I was about three years old I knew I couldn't talk much because I was a stutterer and I couldn't get the words out and my dad would always tell me take your time breathe because he was also a stutterer and he was embarrassed and he taught me how to breathe how to stay calm how to talk So this is where it started from very early on where I had to really calm myself I had to go from you know inner chaos to calm before I could talk and it's ongoing it's ongoing and I remember a lot of actors back then James Earl Jones for instance who was a stutterer as well from a very young age and he now became a very well-known articulate world known actor you know So I had people around me that encouraged me and that's why I always say surrounding ourselves with people that will take us to where we want to go is so key because that is what I had from a very young age my dad died when I was 11 so I really am thankful for the you know for that upbringing that he gave to me He sowed the seeds that sense of self that resilience that helped me carry home so that emotional freedom that learning to really manage the emotion was something I had to learn to do otherwise and even now when something you know triggers I go hmm cow you know so it's it's taking me close to many years to actually come to that place where it's so easy for us to release whatever is creating that doubt or fear within us because they're usually based around our beliefs…

SAMIA: Right…

BOLA: And I had to listen to my father tell me the truth about who I was and that really helps us when we release the beliefs that are limiting limiting beliefs that are stopping us from having the emotions that have a high vibration because when our emotions have low vibration we can take... we can go back take a step back and actually see that it's coming from a limiting belief it's a fearful belief…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: And emotional intelligence is something I got into much much later I was in my late 20s managing a hospital here in the UK And I had been told by the CEO that we needed to cut costs and I went around to do that and I was very good and we can have you know a very proficient approach to work…

SAMIA: Right…

BOLA: Be very focused on our tasks and you know be very good at strategy and planning and managing our human resources who can be very good at that And I got straight into it I you know I made a savings of two million pounds for the hospital and then I felt now I've got a really good CV I'm gonna get a job so I applied for jobs and I got a job even the CEO wrote a very good CV... a very good reference for me and then he decided he was going to throw me a go away party and we were at this party with my colleagues directors and you know the chief executive and the deputy chief executive none of my staff turned up… my goodness I thought they liked me you know and that is where emotional intelligence comes in...

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: because we can be very very focused and have our goals and be very ambitious career-minded but if we do not have an understanding of what's going on around us and about those who are around us and building the relationships that we have we do not achieve the outcomes in the best way And research has shown that those who have emotional intelligence do outperform those who have high IQ by 70% in the workplace…

SAMIA: I am not surprised…

BOLA: Yes so you know so... I was stunned… I was stunned and I thought oh actually I don't only want to you know be the best manager or be the best director I actually want to enjoy what I do as well I really want to enjoy my work I really want to have fun going into work and having fun…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: There's work you can work and have fun and really get on with those around you and feel appreciated as you appreciate others sharing your heart as you connect with the heart of others…you don't always have to have this antagonistic atmosphere that we are all used to…so that is how I got into emotional intelligence when I realized that I wasn't only interested in the work I also wanted to enjoy…

SAMIA: Right and actually as you mentioned that when you work with emotional intelligence not only do you enjoy yourself more but actually you are more successful and even more effective you just have... it's just that it's a broader perspective on what it means to be successful and effective in the work context…

BOLA: Yes it is a broader… you've got a broader perspective and a happier one you know…

SAMIA: Indeed oh my gosh I'm so glad that you came to that realization for yourself and did something about it in such a concrete way and now you're not only more happy and peaceful and having more fun yourself but I'm sure everyone around you that's working with you and so forth is also feeling so much better because of that…

BOLA: Yeah honestly so it's so important it's so important to start with the self it starts with us When we understand ourselves a lot more we understand our emotions our thoughts and we know what is limited and what is empowering and we are clear about what we want to let go of we also begin to let go of these things we are free we have that emotional freedom Emotional freedom is not about not having emotions it's about really not being controlled by emotions being able to manage those emotions a bit more…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: You know I know you're a happiness… you know you're a happiness coach so you know what I'm talking about you know…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: From that place that we really can connect from the heart because we're not creatures of logic in that way we’re creatures of the heart…

SAMIA: That's so true and I think that was like one of the things that I really had to learn in my own journey of healing I'm a trauma survivor also I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse and I know... you know different survivors even if you've experienced a similar trauma we all respond differently and we respond in ways that are sort of reflective of the personalities and the characteristics that we have And even though I was a kid when I experienced that sexual abuse I already had a certain personality that was very much in my head and disconnected from my emotions and so after I experienced that trauma I disconnected from my emotions even more because I couldn't... survive… yes to survive because I didn't know how to handle my emotions how to manage them I couldn't tolerate the intense sense of suffering that I was experiencing And so I just... my best strategy when I was you know in the aftermath for actually several years I think I was well into my mid-teens before anything other than denial and suppression was able to come up for me because I just couldn't handle it…

BOLA: And you were in flow, you were in flow you… You were doing what you needed to do to survive…

SAMIA: That's right…

BOLA: And I think it's about accepting that...

SAMIA: Yeah

BOLA: ...and that awareness is so key…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: And accepting that we are actually doing the best...

SAMIA: Yeah

BOLA: ...that we need to do at that time we are already in flow but we doubt that we are it doesn't feel like we are we're told we should go one way and that's the one way that all the seven billion people in the world have to go there's only one way for all of us but it's not possible you know we're all… we have a unique path and it's about being aware of that path the themes that we're exploring…

SAMIA: That's right…

BOLA: And being really you know accepting of that with compassion forgiving ourselves and when the denial comes in when that need to forgive comes in to be quick to do it to be quick to forgive to get the help we need to forgive…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: Because that dissociation that we did at that time we needed to do it but in order to be more wholesome we have to embrace it and look at it and heal that inner child in order for us to really become whole again but we needed to disconnect we needed to lose ourselves because that self that we were holding on to at the time was toxic…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: It was toxic but we have to come back to love that toxicity...

SAMIA: Yeah

BOLA: ...transform it back into love…

SAMIA: That is so true that is so true It's like even when you are in denial in suppression it's not like you're wasting your time or anything You're actually building the capacity to be able to come back and face that toxicity and to give love to that suffering inner child and so forth That's so beautiful thank you for sharing that…

BOLA: Thank you thank you Samia…

SAMIA: So you know such a big aspect of our ability to heal and you know just go through this process even being able to come to the point of acceptance it requires emotional intelligence and you are an emotional intelligence expert So can you tell me more about emotional intelligence I think that a lot of people are actually not very familiar with even the concept of emotional intelligence So I would love for you to help us dig deeper into that now

BOLA: …Yeah sure Emotional intelligence you know the definition of it is the capacity... the capacity to understand them and to manage our emotions and thoughts and feelings and also about managing our relationships with others in order to get the best outcomes and experiences…So it starts with our understanding and managing of our own self… self-awareness… There are four pillars of emotional intelligence and the first is self-awareness… The second is really about self-management… you become aware and then we manage and the third is about social awareness…being aware of those around you and certain rules and tips that you can use to become much more aware of what's going on for those around you. And the fourth pillar is relationship management… and this is where we're really getting into a place where we are enjoying the connections we're having…  we’re surrounding ourselves with those that we really resonate with… but the first place to start because the pillars build on each other… you cannot become socially aware if you are not self-aware first of all we have to be aware of ourselves you know be really clear about what it is that we have within us that is limiting us and sometimes that is the scariest place to go because we've had to run away from those limits and it's easier to deny and be dishonest with ourselves you know so self-awareness is not an easy... it sounds nice but it's not an easy thing to do because this self that we're trying to be aware of is the same self that wants to run away from itself… there's a dilemma there you know that's why sometimes we need help you know so self awareness is that first step that first pillar where we're understanding we're being more mindful there's a mindful focus around the thoughts that we're having... we know we have about 60,000 to 90,000 thoughts in our heads every day every single day you know… but it's about how do we use certain tools that resonate with us to really come to a place where we are aware of what those thoughts are and it becomes something that we practice every day… mindfulness meditation to quieten the mind so we can become aware because it might at first seem like how can I… the thoughts are whizzing through my head... how can I... I'm feeling one way one minute one second and the next second I'm feeling another way… How am I gonna become aware of this thing that seems so wild you know but there are tools and it takes practice and some of the things that I do… I do in my two-month workshops and two-month programs is really about helping those who are ready because you've got to be ready… it takes diligence it takes compassion takes courage to really begin to slow down to pause… to pause and find that time 10-20 minutes 30 minutes a day to just begin to understand your thoughts using different tools… and what I do is to hold that space the encouragement the expertise to help my clients to practice that familiarity with thoughts the emotions and the feelings to identify what is keeping me high what is keeping me low what is empowering me what is disempowering me… what definitions are my fault and I'll give you an example a definition of endurance If you have a definition of endurance that says that the person that is in… you know that has the most in… you know endurance is the one who stays in that situation that is painful and that is the person that is you know that has the most endurance… or you could have a definition of endurance that states that you are aware of when things are painful when you have suffering around you and you're quick to really set your boundaries manage your boundaries and find a solution… that is a definition of endurance that is empowering because when we have definitions that do not empower us we will get involved in behaviors that do look empowered… so the definitions that we have that is self-awareness really becoming aware of the thoughts the meanings the definitions the words we use how we self-talk… So in my community on Facebook I'm always talking about self-awareness trying to identify how do you feel about this what's your opinion about this what's your definition of this you know and it's about really coming to a place where you understand you accept the good and the bad the ugly everything and it's from that place of acceptance and love that you can then begin to release what you no longer need what is disempowering you… But first we have to observe them as detectives not to relieve them in that sense because once you decide you're ready to go to another place you are no longer going to live in that trauma You will see the trauma but you are going to turn it around reframe it with love and compassion getting the help that you need but that is all self-awareness and self-acceptance and that's the very first pillar of emotional intelligence…

SAMIA: I love that... you're so right I mean without self-awareness it's like you can't even begin to understand what the actual problem is that you're dealing with… I... like you gave a beautiful example of what's your definition of endurance And I know like for me a big point of self-awareness happened for me around the definition of courage you know because I wanted to be courageous like I felt so like small in my life so scared of everything and I wanted to be courageous but I found it so difficult to practice courage because my definition of courage used to be that ability to sort of feel the fear and do it anyway…and I found it so difficult to do it anyway… like when I felt fear it just paralyzed me and I couldn't make myself do anything other than freeze and/or run away from...

BOLA: It happens to all of us, yes...

SAMIA: Yes right but then one day I was reading and... I don't even remember where it was that I was reading or whatever but somebody was writing about courage and they said actually the root meaning of the word courage is to follow your heart…

BOLA: Yeah… 

SAMIA: I was like and what did... oh my gosh… so once I had this new frame of what it means to be courageous it's like yeah I can follow my heart I want to follow my heart I didn't want to feel the fear and do it anyway but i want to follow my heart…

BOLA: Yes…

SAMIA: Ah... So now I'm happy to live courage…

BOLA: Yes yes and the heart… See the heart is really where our truth lies… you see a lot of the times we are in the mind and that intuition that divine essence lies in the heart and obviously you know this is something that we have to connect to…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: It's not obvious actually...

SAMIA: Yeah

BOLA: …it's something we have to connect to So if we feel that connection with the heart we can feel more inspired we can feel more inspired to take action or not to take action because sometimes courage is about silence... 

SAMIA: that is so true 

BOLA: …holding back…

SAMIA: That is so true… And another thing that I've really discovered in my life is that it's so important to our ability to heal ourselves to be connecting to our heart… and to connect to our heart we really need that emotional intelligence… we can't connect to our heart if we're stuck in our minds and in our logical rational self…

BOLA: No because you know the mind is you know… has... it's a receiver you know… the mind the gut and our heart they are the three brains that we have and really the we can become very focused on the mind and there you know there are things that we need the mind to do to really become that holder… that holder of more higher value beliefs and thoughts but that's about it…the values that really guide those thoughts and beliefs we have to hold in our hearts and we connect to that by being still… by being still... So the different parts of our bodies have different uses and it's about accepting all of that accepting all of it but knowing that our truth lies in the heart and that takes healing because we disconnect from the heart when we are traumatized that's the first thing that we lose that connection... that connection with our heart… So we have to heal the trauma release the illusion… the lies that we have been told and we have so many different tools that we use for that but it takes a lot of letting go forgiveness you know breathing... allowing ourselves to really connect with the different memories that our body has held because our body holds memories of pain that no longer serve us and connect more to the memories of joy because sometimes someone will ask did you have a happy childhood… and I go happy childhood well no I didn't but then when I think about it I did… there were parts of my childhood that were happy even though I suffered childhood sexual abuse as well but I did have… I did have some days when I had fun with my friends on the beach you know I had fun on my bike I had lovely dresses and maxis that my mum bought you know... so there were… there are memories that we shut away and the same thing happens in our present… there are memories that we can enhance a lot more… and focus because that focus that the mind can have on the negative which is where we orient towards if we are not recovering… towards the negative memory the negative beliefs we can begin to orient more… but it takes the healing it takes our trauma recovery our healing as well as our transformation intentional practice with compassion and love it's very key…

SAMIA: So true… so true… thank you for sharing that... and I think what we're going to have to do is bring you back again to talk to us more about these things because we're running out of time right now but definitely… definitely want to talk more about this so do you have any last thoughts about what we've been sharing so far just for right now and then we will for sure bring you back and talk even more…

BOLA: Yes yes yes… I think it's really about encouraging us all to remind ourselves of who we are on a daily basis because we are being bombarded we have been conditioned you know with all the news around us…and just having that calm toolkit that allows us to switch from the chaos of the calm having something that we can call on whether it's breathing water whether it's music exercise… whatever it is that works for us you know and feel free to connect with me if you feel that this is something that you would like me to help you with…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: and I think this is something that we all need help with sometimes to remember who we are… to be quicker to turn that fear into love…

SAMIA: Yes… Thank you so much Bola and we will add your contact information your links in the show notes so everyone can just click on the links… please just click on the links and connect with Bola... And I'll also drop mine in case you want to get in touch with me and... yeah I think that's all for right now and I'm so excited to have you back…

BOLA: Oh thank you Samia it's really great to connect with you and it would be lovely to be here… thank you everyone… :)