SAMIA: Hello, Salam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Hola, Bonjour and Ciao!It's so good to be with you again today and I know you will be very happy because Bola has joined us again… in case you missed our first interview our first conversation with Bola please check out that episode Bola is a Clarity and Emotional Freedom Coach she's also an Emotional Intelligence Expert and last time we started to talk about the four pillars of emotional intelligence and we started to dig into the first one which is about self-awareness and I'm so excited Bola because today we got to dig deeper into talking about the rest of the three pillars of emotional intelligence so can you tell... like just... welcome welcome back and so happy to have you here…

BOLA: Thank you Samia thank you so much for having me it's really nice to be back as always I love the resonance that we have and I love the work that you do thank you so much... And yes I am a reiki practitioner as well here in the UK and I'm also a certified Trauma Recovery Coach and I love to talk about emotional intelligence because it is one of the key, key elements of us enjoying life more.. whether it's at work or at home it's really about us beginning to see how we can look at different aspects of ourselves… different aspects of ourselves and really become more wholesome more fulfilled be able to show up step up and serve… serve deep with grace and ease with flow not just work work work on the grind on the grind but to have more freedom of emotions we just have a more enjoyable work…

SAMIA: Yeah… 

BOLA: You know we can have a passion we can go for it with all we got but if we do not have that emotional intelligence which is really about understanding ourselves understanding our emotions understanding the environment around us and valuing and appreciating our relationships we really do not enjoy the goals and we can bring... and we know our goals are it's just you know you get something and it's about what's next…

SAMIA: Yeah

BOLA: ...you know I bought a car you get the car oh this car is you know this car is not good enough I was sharing a story well it's a poem that I wrote about you know how we can really become more accepting of change of our growth of the goal that we have I remember you know wanting to be as a toddler wanting to have my own seat in the car and you know I was always being carried as a toddler then I remembered I wanted to because I saw my older brother having his own seats I wanted to have a seat that was my goal I was when... I want to sit on the chair you know the back seat so I got that goal and then after a while I actually wanted to you know to be in that you know... in that front seat why am I not in the front seat you know and then that was the next goal and then I got in that goal and it was like okay so this is good this is fun but I want to be in the driver's seat I want to drive you know and then I moved to the driver's seat and I began to drive and that was my goal and I loved that and then another goal came I want to be in the owner's corner at the back and then I was there on this corner in my own car and then that goal wasn't enough and then after a while I was like I just want to have a good view from whatever seat I am whether it's the back whether the front I want to have a good view…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: And the goals never stop and that is life and it's about how do we begin to enjoy life even as we go for these goals so the four pillars of emotional intelligence and emotional intelligence I will define according to Dan Goleman is that capacity to understand and manage our emotions as well as manage the relationships we have with others so that we can have better outcomes and experiences in our lives in our day-to-day lives… so the emotions that we have are key. We have to understand ourselves first and it takes four pillars emotional intelligence consists of four pillars and the first we talked about last time is the self-awareness this is really we where we are understanding, understanding more of our thoughts our emotions our feelings sensations becoming more mindful about what is within us what we have disconnected from what trauma has made us leave behind because we have to survive and self-awareness is about going back then it's scary sometimes another for us to stay present we have to leave the past behind we have to we have to bring the past back in a way and then set it behind us…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: Self-awareness is about bringing that past back in a way where we can look at it and observe what is of a higher vibration what is of a low vibration because some of those things in the past we want to keep…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: Let me keep some of those wonderful memories but there's some things that do not serve us anymore and we must let them go if we want to it's a choice... it's a choice…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: And that self-awareness is the very first pillar where we are beginning to use different tools and that's what I do in my programs I work with clients who are ready I hold that space for those who are ready to go into that past self and heal some of those traumas some of those memories that we no longer need and the past maybe yesterday the past may be 40 years ago and the times when we are holding our grudge for 20 years doesn't serve us… so learning to use different tools and forming new habits that allow us to transform fear to love quicker and quicker so self-awareness is about self you know self-understanding and it's about self-acceptance that's the first pillar of emotional intelligence being more aware and accepted and loving of ourselves… and self-management is really where we're beginning to be aware of what our boundaries are what our values are so for instance I know that parenting is one of my biggest values I have two grown up boys now in their twenties they're still boys but they told me I'm man... were men you know men like okay and that's part of it because when it comes to our relationships especially as parents the time comes when we have to be clear how significant we really cannot be the same as we were as when our children were toddlers…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: The relationship changes and the boundaries change and it's about how we can remain significant without suffocating that independence of our children so self-management is key understanding our different roles in/at home or at work really have to be around taking responsibility for just what is our bit and not trying to step over into... maybe what we did three years ago maybe… may not be what we need to do now…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: So the values do change…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: Our values change and it's being very close to our heart… self-management the second pillar is about connecting to the heart it's really about understanding what it is that is true for you remembering that taking time to remember that and we only remember that when we have released the potentials within us when we have released the tensions within us we have forgiven we have done some healing we are connecting with our thoughts and we are managing those thoughts using different tools but it's about connecting from the heart... to the… from the mind to the heart and that takes intentional practice So again it's about habits new habits new patterns of thinking new patterns of behavior that allow us to manage those emotions better within us… And the third pillar is about social awareness being ready to share being ready to share who we are with others because you know... I said this when we met last time that we are creatures of heart we are not creatures of logic and when we meet other people we are sharing with them from our heart and we are understanding their heart as well because we give that space for them to step in and connect with us and at the end of the day we are all the same… we may come from different continents may come from different parts of the world and they all have different things we're exploring At the end of the day connection... connection is key It's one of our seven basic human needs that connection is so important so knowing that we're all the same whether you're a man or a woman whatever the gender it's really about becoming much more open with our own stories and being open-minded non-judgmental being ready to accept the stories and the pathways of different people knowing that we can agree to disagree you know and two people can watch the same football game and come to a different feeling about it all you know even if they are on the same side not to mention if they're on different sides…

SAMIA: So true…

BOLA: You know because it's really about our perceptions and we may watch the same thing we may be in the same workspace you may be in the same home but to understand that if I have a different perspective to somebody else I have to share what that perspective is so they can share theirs… and we can do this in different ways this is part of what I do to really help people to understand that there is that oneness between us between us... amongst us all when we understand that we're less judgmental especially if we have learned to love ourselves if we've done self-awareness and if we're doing it and we're managing ourselves we are coming from a place of love and nobody turns that away… hello… if you're coming from a place of love you know you're in that office and you're asking you know would you like a cup of tea how are you feeling you know… what so... what's the team like when everybody is concerned about the other truly concerned because we may have differences but we have a common interest…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: We have a common interest what is our common interest and how do we set aside what doesn't really matter what really matters here…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: We can begin to enjoy our environment a lot more and that leads to the fourth pillar which is the relationship management which is where we are really beginning to reach the gaps… reach the gaps between us and other people and it's got to be from a willing place from choice because I tell you sometimes when you have been betrayed you don't trust anybody anymore you know it's like hello I trusted you yesterday and you said you have changed but still you haven't changed and it's about coming to understand that change starts with us the relationships that we have at home and at work are dependent on our own inner world the happiness that we seek outside starts with that goodness within us so when we have done that self-awareness we are managing ourselves we are aware of the social difficulties and the social joys you know around us we come to a place where we can really see our relationships from a little bit of a detached place… when I say detached place we have an overview we have another… we're not expecting people to do things in a particular way we are seeing the way they do it and we are understanding why they're doing that way… but if it doesn't fit the collective there's a way we can go about it… we can be angry but we can be clear within ourselves why I'm angry we may even be angry at ourselves not necessarily about the other person or the group but as we become more aware of ourselves we are aware of what the emotions mean to us as they arise as the triggers come we know why… we are clearer on why the triggers are there or we're not reacting in anger we're able to manage ourselves and our relationships only get better when we do that… so those are the kind of four pillars of the emotional intelligence and they really help us to appreciate those around us even more they help us to enjoy the work we do because what is the point of just getting on the goals and working day in day out without enjoying life…

SAMIA: True... true…

BOLA: You know we've got to enjoy this life because life was not meant to be a struggle as you know Stuart Wilde said in his book… but it takes a lot of faith you see because a lot has happened to us all and you know... but as Martin Luther King Jr said faith is taking that first step even when you cannot even see the staircase… so trusting trusting that even though things may be difficult or a bit tight you can actually get to a place where you know you take that faith you take that first step to become more self-aware then you find yourself being able to manage yourself a lot more… ease and flow… something happens and you understand it and you are filled with love and compassion to find relief for yourself because being quick to find relief takes compassion otherwise we're staying in it… why should I bother giving myself some nice feeling you know you have to love yourself really love yourself and understand the work that you have…

SAMIA: That's true…

BOLA: We are loved you know we are loved… 

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: So that's a quick summary of emotional intelligence…

SAMIA: Thank you for sharing that and you shared so much that... it's like so deep and so rich and there's so many things that I want to follow up with you on and I think the thing that's coming to me most right now is what you were just talking about in terms of the self-love component and there's so many different aspects to the self-love in terms of how it impacts us and how it impacts our relationships… I was... while you were talking it made me think about... actually when I came to America my family immigrated here about 21 years ago and very so... like within the first couple of years after we immigrated here 9/11 happened the terrorist attacks on American soil right and in the aftermath of that you know there's this huge wave of islamophobia and discrimination happening against Muslims in America and in those days you know I used to be a very introverted person I was very socially challenged and awkward and you know because I was still in the process of recovering from the trauma I had experienced as a child being sexually abused… and the really interesting thing that happened when I suddenly felt this wave of islamophobia and you know being targeted with this hate for something that I felt like why are people targeting me… like I had nothing to do with this it's not something I believe in it's not something that I support I have no idea where this even came from into my life… like it was just as shocking for me as it was for everyone around me and yet I was you know... there was just all this blame and judgment being thrown at me and it's like hard to deal with that you know…

BOLA: yes… 

SAMIA: and I think it took me like several years of coping with that before I got to a point where I was able to love myself enough that then the islamophobia and discrimination even though it continues to... I continue to experience that on an ongoing basis but now it doesn't bother me anymore in the way that it used to… it doesn't trigger me anymore the way it used to because now I'm... that I'm so much more grounded in self-love especially in the context of my identity as a Muslim I've come to love my faith my religion and really just love my own understanding and practice of it and I feel so grounded and confident in that… that now when I'm faced with people's hate or doubt or whatever it is that they're experiencing I'm still able to stay calm and happy and confident in myself…

BOLA: Yes well done… you chose... you made a choice, you made a choice and it's hard work because the world divides us… it's a divide and rule divide and conquer…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: And it's... you know different themes different subjects you know if it's not with religion it's with color if it's not with color it's with gender…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: It's a consistent on a daily basis this is why our intentional practice has to be daily...

SAMIA: Yes

BOLA: ...and it takes a lot of faith a lot of compassion and self-love is a part of self-care because we're looking after our body eating well and you know it's you know... yeah there may be some orientation towards not eating particular things but knowing what is good for your body what works for you what works for you what makes you feel good based on your beliefs based on your you know on your experience... your own experience there's so much... there's so much to self-care you know it's about the body it's about our minds it's about the people we surround ourselves with…

SAMIA: That's true…

BOLA: But it's hard work... it's hard work so well done…

SAMIA: Thank you…

BOLA: It's not something that you know comes easy to deal with because everywhere you turned at that time you must have seen you must have seen the hatred everywhere from no fault of your own and it was all about divide and conquer as opposed to truth…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: What do you do in that place do you still stay outside looking for foundation or do you come in...

SAMIA: Yeah

BOLA: ...and remember the truth of who you are the truth which is hidden always the truth which we just... you know it's almost like you know we're torn from it…just when you think you have a bit of truth it's torn away again okay you know and you have to come to a place where you are determined no matter what resolute zero tolerance, zero tolerance to disconnection from your world…

SAMIA: That is such an excellent point you know this... what you were describing about okay you feel like you got a little bit of truth and you're connected to it but then feeling like it gets ripped away from you and then to have that commitment to keep coming back to it is definitely… in the context that was definitely a huge aspect of how I came to be so loving and comfortable within myself in my identity as a Muslim that you know my faith got challenged my belief got questioned but I feel really blessed and just so grateful that I was able to find the answers that the... you know to the questions that were really challenging me… and actually like the way I believe and practice my faith now is not the same as before I experienced all that hate and islamophobia being directed at me I actually have a... I used to be super dogmatic actually in my approach to religion and that was actually part of my survival mechanism in terms of dealing with trauma because I had so many issues with power and control and one of the ways that I tried to bring about a sense of greater control in my life was… I was like okay I'm going to learn all the rules to how to live life and I'm going to follow the rules and knowing the rules and following the rules gave me a sense of like here's something I can control about my life and that actually made me very dogmatic in the way that I understood and lived my religion but so much of that dogma got challenged by the hate and the islamophobia and if I had not released that dogma I would have had to... I don't know… I mean I was having crisis of faith and I would probably have had to abandon my faith but thankfully I was able to release the dogma instead and find a much more loving and compassionate and easy way of relating to and understanding and living my faith that also makes me so much better in the context of relating to other people and being open to understanding them and their faith and spirituality and so forth…

BOLA: Coming from a place of love…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: Coming from that place of love because when we follow that you know that conditioning of when we follow what feels right what is part of our society it may serve us to a point… when we begin to feel lack of love…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: When we begin to really because sometimes we don't feel it…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: we become numb to it when we... and that's some... that's part of our flow numbness dissociation is part of our flow it's part of our survival…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: When we begin to feel discomfort and we are self-aware and we're managing it and we're looking around us so we're finding that this discomfort is being caused by the outside we are becoming much more aware of what on the outside serves us and what on the outside do we resonate with because we are not an island we have to interact with people around us but you are identifying the things that no longer work for you and you are going to a place of love within you because it's from that place of love that you can begin to perceive love outside…

SAMIA: Yes…

BOLA: From one place of love within you that you've begun to see less islamophobia...

SAMIA: Yeah

BOLA: ...there will be people around you that still see it on a second-by-second basis but from that place of love within you were able to identify and perceive a different social awareness and you were managing your relationships in a different way… so you've got to come from a place of love no matter what discipline no matter what dogma no matter what kind of faith you're following if you're not coming from a place of love the outcomes that we have do not sustain us and we certainly do not enjoy life as we could… but it's a choice, it's a choice because I know there's some people who are coming to this earth play to explore all the darkness and I certainly avoid those people but I see them, I see them and it's a choice…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: So I love how you made that choice to come back to that place of love and to stay there keep coming back keep coming back It's a daily choice…

SAMIA: Yeah you know you have... this point about making the choice that it is a choice that it is your choice to make this is such a critical crucial point... oh my gosh like when you were talking earlier about being a parent this also had you know popped into my mind about the choice issue... my gosh can you just tell us a little bit more about what can hold someone back from making that choice of living peace living love living more joy… like when people are stuck in that not joyful not happy not loving place and you and I are coming from a place of awareness where we realize we recognize that you know you're choosing to stay stuck and not in that place... but like you know to my mind I know for the longest time it didn't make any sense… why would I choose to be unhappy why would I to suffer so how can people understand that like why they're choosing to stay in that place and how they can shift to make a different choice…

BOLA: Yeah in psychology we call it learned helplessness because when you are a child and you start out knowing what you want… because children are very wise very intuitive they're not... when I say wise it's not like they can cross the road… but they have a sense of what their basic needs are in the present they're very present and that gets taken away and they begin to realize that… or they begin to form the perception… we begin to form the perception as children that we have to do things in a particular way otherwise we will not be loved otherwise we will be punished otherwise no one will care we will be abandoned rejected… we begin to feel shame when we begin to have all these emotions cultivating in us and we feel helpless we are made to feel that we cannot make the right decisions we're made to feel that we are not worthy of certain things so we have to do certain things to be worthy when we are already worthy… we are part of divine essence how can we not be worthy this is what we have to connect to again… but the learned helplessness started from you know that helplessness started from childhood and we learned it and we can unlearn it but it takes intentional practice it takes a choice… and sometimes my clients will say Bola you know how am I gonna do this… I said I'm so glad you're here that's the first thing that's the choice the willingness to unlearn the willingness to unlearn that we can make a choice to unlearn that we cannot make a choice because when you are helpless you don't think you can make a choice you're stuck that is what we all feel when we have been through that childhood when we have been through that conditioning when we have been through that government divide and conquer that elite divide and conquer… so it's about knowing that this is what is going on for us and choosing if we want because at first we do not know how we will play we will not know this choice I'm gonna have to make how am I gonna make that choice but being willing in the very first place to unlearn the helplessness is the first thing and it takes faith it takes courage and you can only start from where you are… everybody's on a different level different places and sometimes we have ups and downs you know and we think we're in a straight line like that but I always tell my clients that we're actually going like this… each time we go up we're going higher than we did last time… we come down we're going higher… so it's up and down but each each high is actually higher than the last high and each low is not as low as the last low… so the ups and downs are normal life things stuff, that's life. But we are learning… we're learning and it's about coming to accept that we're learning and we can begin to learn to empower ourselves in an empowering way… we're always... we're either learning to disempower ourselves even more or we're learning to empower ourselves even more and we find that we are learning something and we're sabotaging ourselves less but we can do it even much more intensely and I say intensely much more instinctively spontaneously when we allow that divine essence within us from the heart… when we allow the heart to heal and to flow we find ourselves being more spontaneous in love in taking action we find ourselves just saying oh I need the parking space and the parking space arrives you know you find yourselves going oh I need to have a really a really nice car but I only have 20 cents you know oh I'm gonna have that... and then we surround ourselves with that you know that empowering mindset that empowering set of you know actions because there's something about having an empowering mindset which is taking certain steps having a vision board visualizing what is powerful as opposed to visualizing the doom… there are certain things we can do even when we have 20 cents and want that car… but we can only do it from a place of love So self-love is key self-love is so important and then we can begin to show a willingness to unlearn the helplessness… anybody who is thinking I'm going to become that millionaire without actually understanding the power the power of self-love the power of self-worth it's gonna take a while it's gonna take a while… so that self-love is where we start to begin to really unlearn the helplessness and we cultivate... we cultivate the power of choice the power that we can... but it's so you know it's using different tools in different ways and it takes about sixty six days… research has shown to change our habits an average of 66 days you know and that's what I do in my program… over a period of two months we actually go through and identify what are the limits what are the definitions then begin to connect more with that stillness that love within us… because I tell you when you have leaders leaders who really lead from the heart they connect more with what the people want…

SAMIA: Right…

BOLA: They connect more with what serves the others around them as opposed to what serves them… we can serve ourselves because really we need to have our cups full but we don't have to be greedy you know we need to have our cups full enough to help others we really need to… which is why self-awareness self-management is key…

SAMIA: Yeah…

BOLA: And social awareness understanding the differences but still coming to a place of commonality and then managing our relationships… and those things require us to unlearn our sense of helplessness and know the power of our choice the power that we have within us… imagine all people coming together in that way that collective power is powerful really magnificent…

SAMIA: Indeed… and on that inspiring note even though I want to keep asking you more questions we are going to wrap up for today…

BOLA: I love talking about it as well…

SAMIA: and I'll probably have to call you back again… not probably almost for sure… surely we'll be back again and we'll keep talking… thank you so much again Bola for giving so generously of your time and sharing your wisdom with such such... such grace and such just beauty… I can feel this amazing beauty in you and around you and in your spirit I really really appreciate that…

BOLA: Thank you Samia I really love talking to you… your questioning… your approach… your work… I so love this conversation we've had… thank you so much…