SAMIA: So one really cool thing that I know about you Dani is that you are the author of a book. I know, in some cases people will have to wait a little bit to get access to it... but I have had the privilege of talking to you about it, and had a sneak peek of it. And I think it's a fabulous book. The book is called... tell me if I get this right, "The Collateral Effect of Success: How to Escape from Frustration and Reclaim a Life of Fulfillment".

SAMIA: Yay! Awesome.

DANI: I am so proudly launching, yes, yes! It's from my heart, those words, that work... so it's awesome :).

SAMIA: Yeah! Oh, I can't wait until you launch it for everyone to be able to benefit from because you talk about so many amazing things in your book. I know one of the most important things that I loved that you talk about in your book, is about how important it is for us to shift our mindset and our paradigms in order to create more freedom. Can you tell us a little bit more about that?

DANI: Yes! Absolutely. And that's the key of life itself you know. Become... because, when it comes to paradigms, and sometimes that seems too cliché, too cliché term, but it's something like a thought that is loaded in a box, you know. And because of that it is something too general. And sometimes it doesn't... it doesn't, it's not faithful to reality you know. It's not something that really happens to every single human being. So first, it's about shifting the people's perception, and in that case my client's perception. And for example in my book I get started by saying there is the most, the most spread idea... when it comes to being happy, when it comes to being successful, is about the importance of marrying to the right girl, and getting the right job, and the right profession, and getting the right... not getting the... just having the right kids, and let them send them to the right universities, and the right retirement... And the point is... that's something that society says that is the rule. But is not necessarily the path towards happiness and fulfillment. Because there is so many things that lack in that scenario. And we are raised, we grow up thinking and believing that that idea is true. And it's pretty disappointing when we get there, exactly where we dreamed about to be, and nothing changes basically.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SAMIA: I totally agree with you. I know one of the most important lessons that I learned in my life about how to be happy is that it's so important and necessary to be doing what you love every day of your life. And oftentimes that's not what society supports our doing, and oftentimes that's not what society teaches us to do. And so, so many of us you know, we get stuck in jobs we don't like, relationships that we are no longer happy in. But we stay in these relationships and in these states because we think, well, this is the only choice we have, or this is the only way we can even hope to achieve happiness. And they don't realize the true path to happiness.

DANI: Perfect, that's perfect. And when it comes to man there are some extra problems in that recipe of chaos. Because they grow up thinking that they have to be exactly what their wives expect from them. And in that process they lose completely their authenticity, you know. And there is just a point in that path, they don't recognize themselves. "Who is that man?" You know, it's pretty.... there is an internal conflict first because they don't know who is the person that reflects in the mirror. And the second idea is that men in general, they struggle when it comes to asking for help, you know. And the first, the first idea, when we are talking about happiness and fulfillment, I ask, "What do you really want?, What would you like to create? and, what's your dream? and, what's going on? what stopped you from getting that?". And it's not about lack of opportunity, it's not about not having resources, it's not about just not having anything specifically, or... It's about not getting courage first to get to ask for help first. And they are really worried about, "What if I lose my stability? What if my wife doesn't appreciate it? What are my kids gonna think about myself?" It's... they kind of, they give up their dreams because they are afraid of what people are gonna think you know, it's basically because of that.

SAMIA: Yeah, it's actually a very, very, sad situation. Like all of these societal expectations and pressures... I mean, on the one hand, we are society. Like you and me, we are part of what creates society... But at the same time you know there is this aspect of society that boxes us in, it's very, very strange.

DANI: Yes. It's pretty pertinent what you have just told me, Samia. Because we label, we use that label... because society does that, and does this… but we are part of that. And if we want to see something different, it's up to ourselves to do something about it. And again, I don't like clichés. I really don't like clichés. But it's necessary to take our part in that chaos if we want to see things different, if we want to be happy, if we want to be really fulfilled. It's necessary to do something about that. For example, I told you about the fact that men are super frustrated because they don't, they don't do what they like, and etc. And the first idea that comes to my mind is if my husband decides to change his job, and he did by the way, he did... what I really did in that situation is support him. Make sure that he has peace of mind and tranquility in order to achieve his dream, in order to change his field of work, you know. And that's something that is indispensable. I thought about that now when it comes to doing your part, I think that's the idea, just... yeah... I don't have to just be mad if things are gonna change radically. So if I want to see him happy, I think it's, I think now I'm sure, I'm convinced that I am going to be supportful.

SAMIA: Yes, I agree with you. When... I mean, it's not impossible to go for your dreams and achieve success without the support of your family and friends. But it's a lot harder, and it's not as much fun, and it creates a lot of unnecessary, I think, tension and stress in our lives when we are really committed to pursuing what we love, and living our dreams… but if our loved ones are not supporting us, that just makes things a lot harder and more stressful and creates unhappiness both for me and my loved ones... and I don't want that. I don't want that for me, I don't want that for my loved ones. So I'm so glad that you are showing people a different way, yay!

DANI: Yes, absolutely! Because at the end of the day Samia, every single important idea, I can call an idea, or a big dream, something that we think is not so easy, so accessible here just besides ourselves, it demands extra energy. It demands we step out of our comfort zone. And that process of stepping out of our comfort zone, that's exactly what makes ourselves grow. And in my book I tell people that life is like a huge video game. I love that idea! Because when we are here we have some missions you know. And the first mission is to grow, you know. So if the first one I would say that the first mission is grow. And second, or one point to learn, is how to love more... it's basically our missions, our main missions. And I wouldn't put them in any order of one being more important than the other. To me they have the same importance you know. And if we are here with a double aspect mission, it's important to embrace that idea that if we must grow, inevitably that's gonna be a little bit hard you know. Growing is never something just, piece of cake. Because growing demands extra energy, extra effort. And we cannot thinking, you cannot think, or we shouldn't at least, think that it's a process that occurs without having our environment a little bit chaotic. And it's still... using, still talking about the idea of video game.... when we are playing a game we don't complain if the game is hard. It's gonna be just, "Oh that stage is amazingly difficult!"... We don't do that. Because we understand when we are playing that if we are just growing in the game that's gonna be harder you know. And life, it's exactly the same. And we are there to grow, and when we grow the game gets harder. That's a natural consequence. And I told you that we are here to learn how to love more. And how we learn that throughout the game, It's about collaborating, it's about... because it's a game that we must play, collaborating with each other. We cannot just play 1-1. It's not... life doesn't work that way. We are not made, or created, to be alone, to be by ourselves, and which by the way is detrimental. And the biggest... I love that idea because when we start understanding the reason why we are here, the reason why we are alive, that main idea makes ourselves to understand what we are compelled to do. And every single time that we stop doing what we were supposed to do here, we suffer. And the pain that comes is a warning... that comes... "Come on, do something!" And if we don't do anything when that pain comes, it's... let me give you... there is an amazing example. When you are cooking and suddenly we just touch the fire, the burner, or something like that, we automatically, we remove our hands. It's something automatic because we don't want to keep ourselves in pain you know. But if we just keep our hand in the fire what's gonna happen? Our hands gonna burn to the bones, you know. And that's the biggest problem. Because when the pain comes, we prefer to ignore, we prefer to numb ourselves, in order to stop feeling, or just... we eat, or we use TV programs, sometimes people drink... and there are worse things when it comes to numb ourselves. And it's important to understand that in life the pain is an alarm in the game. When you see the sound of that alarm. "Come on, wake up! Do something about it!"... But instead of just, "Yeah! What... what am I gonna do?" and etc. instead of having that active attitude... I know I don't want to do that, you know. It's just we don't want to... the first idea that comes to our minds, or the first attitude is to, no... to say that we are gonna... we are not gonna do that, that we are gonna stay exactly where we are. And we can do that, however our hands gonna just keep burning and burning. And that's not, that's not good, that's not nice.

SAMIA: Yeah.

DANI: So that's something that is really important to be alert about...not ignoring anything, because it's an alarm clock.

SAMIA: Yes! Oh my gosh. I absolutely agree with you on that. Actually that's my favorite way of understanding the role of what we call negative emotions. You know, there’s no... I don't think there are any bad emotions in the sense that every emotion that we have is there for a reason. It's there for a purpose, it’s giving us feedback, and it's very, very, important and valuable feedback. So the emotions you perceive as negative emotions, like if you're feeling sad, or angry, or you know, stressed, or any other kind of emotion that makes you feel not so good, you need to pay attention to it. Because just like you were saying Dani, it's that alarm that's warning us that there's something wrong that we need to correct. And it's just, yeah, you would never, you would never leave your hand burning on the fire if you could help it. But why, why tolerate that mental-emotional pain when you are feeling angry or stressed or unhappy for any reason? Just like we don't want to bear physical pain, let's not bear and ignore the mental-emotional pain. That is such an excellent point.

DANI: Yeah, thank you. And by the way, your question, I don't know if it was a rhetorical question... but that inaptitude...I think I can use that word... when it comes to handling our feelings, is something that we don't learn how to do that properly. Because our parents didn't learn and how are they gonna teach something that they didn't learn? --

DANI: And that's the main cause. Because when we are children we don't learn how to deal, how to handle our feelings, how to regulate our feelings. We don't learn that pain is an alarm clock. We don't have any idea. We just feel that there is something that is not right, that’s bothering me. But they are not alert to their thoughts, to their emotions, to... I like using that expression: “emotion regulation'' because we don't learn how to deal with frustrations, how to be more resilient. And sometimes when something really... just something that removes our stability, our emotional stability, we suffer a lot because we hadn't prepared ourselves to those kinds of situations. So it’s...

SAMIA: It's true! One of the funny things though, Dani, is that you know, when you were saying that "Life is like a video game" -- I love that analogy that you made actually. And the thing is that when we're playing games, if we actually commit to getting good at a game, then in the process of playing that game, getting good at that game, we actually have to learn how to deal with disappointments, and frustration, and stress. And insofar as, you know, you become good at playing that game, you have actually learned those skills... but for some reason even though you're able to use those skills when you're playing a video game, you're not using those skills in your life... Why is that? And how can people actually take the lessons that they learn while playing video games and apply them more easily to their life?

DANI: Great question, thank you. For example, when we are playing a video game...

SAMIA: Yeah.

DANI: We are able to play well if we know the rules previously. The problem is we are not presented to life's rules properly. Because again our parents didn't learn how the rules work. And that's the first cause of that inaptitude to play the game, because we don't know the rules!

SAMIA: Yes!

DANI: And if we had access to that, I'm sure that we would be well prepared. Or I am sure that we wouldn't suffer that much, you know. And that's the main cause... because we weren't presented to rules previously.

SAMIA: So where can we learn the rules, like, what's the source that teaches us about rules of life, the game of life?

DANI: Yeah! Thank you for asking. So the first idea is again, let's just recapitulate. The first idea is to be aware of the main reason why we are here... as I told you: to evolve, to grow, and to love more.

SAMIA: Yeah.

DANI: And when we are aware of that main aspect, the rest is basically a consequence of that. For example, if we want to learn how to live more, how are you/are we gonna just behave towards our children, or our partner, and etc.? It's about using our virtues, it's about being more empathetic, it's about being more caring, kind, loving... it's about learning those virtues, you know. When we put those virtues in action... because it's not enough to just know the virtues, and how we can just use them. It's important to apply them to life, that's indispensable... it's not enough to keep them in mind. So that's the first idea -- put your virtues in action. And the second idea is about purpose. Because when it comes to loving more, and when it comes to growing our purpose, it has that double function. Because our purpose helps ourselves to grow. Because when we are working towards our purpose, we are expressing to our highest potential. We are doing something that we love, and we are refining our skills. So in that process, throughout that process, we are growing, we are flourishing. And at the same time we are doing something towards people, towards... Because a purpose, a purpose in that original way, let me put that away, in that pretty rich or clear idea, is a noble purpose. The concept of noble purpose... Because it's not a purpose that... If I told you something, that, "I want to buy a car”. It's a purpose, yes. But it's not a purpose of life. It's different, you know. I'm talking about the life purpose. And the life purpose has that characteristic of being noble, connected, in an inherent way. So it's something that we are involved in helping people with our abilities.

SAMIA: Yes.

DANI: Basically that... So we are helping people, and loving more, learning how to love more. And we are growing at the same time. So that's the other aspect, the other rule of that game, is about being connected to our life purpose. Because the... one of the biggest ideas besides the paradigm shift is that the true happiness is accomplished when we stop chasing her and we dedicate ourselves to a purpose bigger than ourselves. And when we are connected to that in a deeper way, happiness comes automatically... It is granted, you know, because we are fulfilling the rules of the game. And that's why we are granted with the presence of happiness and well-being and fulfillment. That's the point.

SAMIA: Yes! No, I absolutely love that. And you know this actually drives back to what you were saying earlier. Just as our negative emotions are warning us that there's something wrong, that we need to change something, our positive emotions are actually giving us the feedback that we are on the right path, we are doing something good, and we should do more of it. And so when you live your life's purpose, and it makes you more happy, that's feedback from your heart, from your mind, from your soul, that you are doing the right thing for you. So do more of it!

DANI: Perfect, perfect, Samia! It's exactly that. Because we are so focused on the problem, on what pain causes, and we forget that the opposite is true, that when we are truly happy is... I find that we are on the right path. So it was perfect. And as I told you, the paradigm shift is essential. It's essential to learn how to see life through different lenses. If we want to play safer, if we want to play without... just minor problems, let me put that away... of course there will be your obstacles and challenges, we know about that. But we can decrease, we can just save ourselves from unnecessary stress and extra pain, you know. For example, there is an idea that we still struggle to understand... it's about seeing, it's about accepting the obstacles as instruments to grow, you know, to learn. And for example, if I lose my job, we have two options. We can get desperate and depressed, or we can just think, what am I gonna do to just get out of that situation and get another job, and talk to people... We have two options. And most of times the first reaction is about complaining. It's about just, “I cannot believe that the universe did that to myself!”. And it's not about that. It's a challenge, you know. It's a test. And when we are at school, another idea, another metaphor... how are we, are we gonna prove that we have learned? It's necessary to make, to be submitted to a test you know.

SAMIA: Yeah.

DANI: And when it comes to challenges, it's the same. It's a test to our resilience. It's a test to just develop our skills. And we don't learn, we don't usually learn to see those problems that way.

SAMIA: Yes.

DANI: So it's an example of shifting the paradigm.

SAMIA: Yes! And I will, you know... this was a huge lesson for me! This was when I learned this lesson, it absolutely shifted my paradigms. And I'll tell you a quick story of how I learned it. I was actually taking a class in educational psychology when I was in college. And our professor, she's an expert in educational psychology... so all her research is about how do you help people learn more, learn better, retain what they learn for longer and better. And one of the most important findings of educational psychology research is this concept of “desirable difficulties”... Meaning that you actually need to experience a certain level of difficulty in order to learn. There are things that you will not be able to learn if like someone just gives you the answer. You will not understand, you will not be able to learn that concept or that idea, you will not know how to apply it in your life. You actually have to go through a process of testing and trial, and making mistakes, trying to figure that idea out yourself. And then you learn it, and then you are able to learn it better, and then you are able to remember what you have learned much better, and you are able to apply that learning in your life much better. And if everything's made like super easy for you, like if all answers were given to you, that would actually not help you. That would actually make you more... more stupid, believe it or not. It will actually hurt you, it will hurt your intelligence. So we need to have challenges in our life. And that's also part of what makes life fun. I mean just think about going back to the analogy of life being like a game. If a game was like way too easy, you'd be so bored you wouldn't want to keep playing it. So you keep playing it because it's challenging and you have to figure things out.

DANI: Perfect, Samia, exactly! And I have just remembered about a quote by Joseph Campbell. And he said something like that, the bigger the diamond is that we are able to swallow, the bigger is our reward, our growing, you know... The biggest is the challenge, the bigger, the biggest is our growing. And just how skillful we get at the life game, that's the point you know.

SAMIA: Oh my gosh, that's just amazing! Thank you so much Dani! And I'm so sorry that we're going to have to end this episode over here. But I want you to come back and share more of your wisdom with us because I just love the way you... the analogies that you give, and just the way you explain things, it's so wonderful and beautiful. I just love it. So we'll definitely have to bring you back. And in the meantime, do you have any last thoughts or last words you want to share?

DANI: First of all, I would like to say thank you again Samia for the opportunity. I am pretty and deeply grateful. Thank you. And lastly I'd like to tell people my website is that DaniFerrara.com. Basically if you would like to grab my eBook it's gonna be launched, launch it in just a couple of days. And that's it, that's basically... thank you, thank you again.

SAMIA: Awesome! We are going to put the links to Dani's website in the show notes. So just click on the link in the chat, or in the show notes, below the video. And please go to her website to sign up to get the book when it's launched in just a couple of days. Yay! I'm so excited! In fact, you know by the time we launch, publish this episode, your book will probably for sure have been published.

DANI: Yes please.

SAMIA: So please just go get the book right now, I'm so excited! Yay! Thank you Dani, thank you again so much for being with us today. And we will see you back again very, very, soon.

DANI: Thank you! Would be a pleasure, see you soon :).