SAMIA: Hello, Salam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao and  Bonjour!It's so good to have you back with us and to welcome back Neil Rosen life coach, school counselor and psychologist… Welcome back Neil… I'm so happy you're back…

NEIL: I'm happy to be back… I had a lot of fun last time… 

SAMIA: Yes we talked about increasing self-confidence in kids and we talked a little bit about how you know you can use lessons from swimming and apply them to your life because among other things your awesome awesome swimming coach and I just had a lot of fun with all of that and I'm so glad you're back and I believe today we're going to dig deeper and talk about self-esteem and friendship…

NEIL: Yes I think these are two important concepts that sometimes are not addressed in schools and not addressed in our society and I think people need to have good self-esteem in order to have a healthy lifestyle…

SAMIA: Yeah and so how do you actually define self-esteem… what is self-esteem…

NEIL: Well Maslow… good old Maslow had his hierarchy of self-esteem and you know on the bottom…on the bottom of that triangle you know the base the foundation was the necessities to survive… so it was food water shelter you know and then you go up on this thing and at the peak it's that you've reached kind of like self-actualization which only a small percentage of people actually get to that stage… So I would say some of our philosophers are there Gandhi I think would be there maybe Martin Luther King would be in that category I think some of our leaders maybe like Buffett I think's there I think Jack Canfield who I want to talk about again… he talked... I was listening to him on I think it was on YouTube… he talked about things to build up your self-esteem and I wanted to share some of those points with our listeners today…

SAMIA: So one of the things that he talked about is the ability to take the risk… if you don't take a risk you're not going to grow as a person and there's so many people including myself at times in my life where I was stuck you know for some reason it was ingrained in my head that I was not a good writer and I was dependent on my mom to help write my essays in high school… and in college I started to break away separate from my mom but I had such a hard time that it would take me hours just to get something down on paper and I finally told myself you know I'm driving myself crazy this is nuts I just got to start writing whatever comes down I'm going to write it and then I'll worry about editing and correcting all that stuff but I got to get something down on the paper because you know just staring at my paper and looking at all my notes and stuff you know isn't going to help me get a grade… so I think the ability to take a risk and a lot of people are afraid to do that even with like dating or being in a bad relationship you know… I think here's a good example… the dodger pitcher... I don't know how to pronounce his name it's "debaur" I think it's "bauer"... He's the one who has you know it still hasn't been determined if he's legally liable or you know if there's going to be civil… or charges on him you know there's some groupie that he met you know at the game and she went out with other players and you know it's found out that she's from San Diego so she went out with two or three different San Diego pottery players and somehow she connected with "bauer" who's a pitcher on the dodgers this year and he's like supposed to be like one of the best pitchers in the major league of baseball right now and the dodger organization they're paying a salary but he's not playing you know because there's a suggestion...

NEIL: You know there's these possible charges that he physically assaulted a woman you know while they had intercourse you know… but his side of the story is that she wanted physical sex and I'm thinking about this lady's self-esteem… you know she had two encounters with this guy after the first one where she got choked… she wanted you know him to be physical so he you know kind of like choked her with her hair I think and she passed out and he hit her and there were some bruises and stuff… you know a person with good self-esteem would say to themselves you know I'm a valued person you know I'm a good person I'm lovable and stuff you know why am I allowing someone to do this to me… and she went back to this guy a second time and it happened again and the second time he was even more physical I mean like he punched her you know on her face and she had a bruise mark and he punched her in her genitalia area you know and she had bruises there you know… a person with good self-esteem and someone who loves himself wouldn't allow something like that happen you know and the news reports you know I guess they're accurate they're saying that she came from an alcoholic family… so she came from a dysfunctional family so you know she probably grew up with low self-esteem and you know it's just a sad situation…

SAMIA: Yes that is... so what are some other things that impact people's self-esteem… that might lower someone's self-esteem…

NEIL: I think just you know being in a dysfunctional family you know where you're told that you're stupid you're no good you know that you don't have a voice in the family you know shut up you know listen do what I say not what I do type of thing I think that really traumatizes kids…

SAMIA: Right…

NEIL: And it's ingrained in them you know if you're brought up that you're stupid you're dumb that you're not worthy you start to believe it…

SAMIA: Yeah…

NEIL: And I think from your training and working with women that have been sexually assaulted and you see this all the time with these women… maybe you want to share some of your insights you know working with these women that have gone through you know trauma…

SAMIA: Well... yeah you know when someone gets caught up especially in an abusive relationship there are like a lot of different reasons for why that might happen and oftentimes one of the things that I learned is that you know this can happen to anyone it's not... like oftentimes they hold a stereotype that oh you know these people who are stuck in abusive relationships is there's something wrong with them in the sense of you know like you were saying many of them it's true they have histories of you know experiencing different kinds of dysfunctional relationships or prior abuse and things like that… but it doesn't… that's not always true… there are a lot of people who get caught up in abusive relationships because it's part of the nature of the relationship and the dynamic… like in most... in a lot of cases like when… like people just don't recognize the sort of… like you get into a relationship and you have good intentions for yourself and you want to have a happy relationship you want to be happy and that's the hope with which you're getting into the relationship but you may not recognize unhealthy behaviors or patterns of behavior in the other person… and by the time you recognize what a problem they are you're in so deep and it becomes really difficult to get out at that point… you have been sort of… there's this notion of gaslighting that we talk about you know which is a very common part of many many people's experience who are stuck in abusive relationships where you know you start out in a relationship and everything for the most part feels like it's going really good and great and you're happy and excited…

NEIL: That's called like the honeymoon period if I remember correctly on the cycle of violence...

SAMIA: Yes you... absolutely I'm impressed you know about the cycle of violence you know and oftentimes you know when you're first starting in a relationship you don't know then it's a cycle… so in the beginning you know things are pretty much feeling good and you know you are… you're very hopeful and optimistic about the possibility of that relationship but then as things go on you know there's more and more tension that builds up in the relationship and they're little big incidents that might happen that you know you find yourself disturbed by that you find yourself stressed out by… and unfortunately what happens is that if you don't recognize that those behaviors those incidents are actually abusive in nature then you can't take appropriate action to sort of help yourself in that situation and a lot of times you know because of that you just kind of... you're doing your best to try and resolve things and keep the relationship going because you've already invested so much in the relationship and that's you know like part of the psychology also that keeps you… that hope that things will get better… it's part of what keeps people oftentimes stuck in the relationship for a lot longer than they would otherwise… and then there are other dynamics at play also you know where you might in fact have started out with good self-esteem but over time slowly slowly that person sort of beats you down and makes you believe that you're not worthy or you know that you're stupid or you know things like that...

NEIL: Yeah I think that happened to Nicole Brown with O.J. Simpson…

SAMIA: Yeah so this can happen to anyone you know… no one's above being manipulated… no one is so amazing and good that you know they can just always protect themselves from the possibility of you know… someone... like especially people who have malicious intent you know they know what they're doing and they go about it very deliberately in terms of again this idea of gaslighting that they sort of raise the temperature so slowly in terms of all the misbehavior and problematic abusive behavior that you know you don't realize what's happening until things get really bad…

NEIL: I never heard that term before… gaslighting… I think that's a really good… analogy to use which brings me to the next thing on self-esteem is that you know what we're talking about you know a violent relationship that they isolate you and try to control you and one of the things that Jack Canfield talks about on self-esteem is that it's really important to reach out to others especially during this pandemic you know to contact your family friends support group your best friend you know call your parents your siblings… you know I was looking at Facebook the other night and this one lady said that she feels lonely and I said reach out to somebody I text her back and I said reach out to a family member a friend anybody you know instead of being lonely and isolating yourself you need to reach out and you know another thing that Jack talks about on self-esteem that I think is so true that I think sometimes that all of us neglect to do is especially in the helping field in the helping profession as you know school counselors schools like you know school psychologists clinical psychologists social workers you know anyone in the helping field… is to nurture yourself take time for yourself we're so busy and moms too… moms are so busy worrying about their husbands their kids and stuff that they don't take time for themselves to re generate you know re-energize themselves you know it's important to take time for yourselves to go for a massage or go for a walk or tell anyone to leave you alone so you could read your favorite book or watch your favorite tv show or listen to your favorite music…

SAMIA: I love both of those and I think the only note I'll make in addition to what you said is that when it comes to reaching out when you're feeling isolated or lonely… sometimes you know you may not reach the right person to help you the very first time you try… this is unfortunately you know like you may try to reach out to somebody and then they don't respond to you in the way that you need for whatever reason maybe because they're distracted or maybe they themselves are in a tough spot or they just don't know how to help you in the situation that you're in… and that can feel really discouraging and that can really be disheartening so don't give up… like if the first person you reach out to doesn't work out try and try again and sometimes you know it's there's also like safety concerns like especially since we before we were talking about people who are in abusive relationships… the fact that the reason why they're isolated is not because they wanted to be isolated it's because their abuser has created circumstances very deliberately and made it difficult and sometimes even dangerous for them to stay in touch and stay in contact and reach out to other people for help and support because that's part of how the abuser continues to keep you under their control right and so sometimes there are serious safety concerns especially for people who are in abuse of relationships in terms of reaching out for help… and it's still really important to do what you can in that context and reach out when you can in a safe way… and you know I... I'll go ahead and include some links in the show notes for resources for you know if you are stuck in an abusive relationship and you need some help and support sometimes when you just reach out to friends and family they have good intentions but they don't... because they don't understand the nature of abuse they don't understand the risk… the safety risks that you might be facing they can end up giving you bad advice that backfires and so it can really help to reach out to people who really understand about these things and can provide you some support in a professional capacity so I'll be sure to include some of those links…

 NEIL: Oh that would be great…

SAMIA: Yeah…

NEIL: I think it would be great to share these resources with our listeners…

SAMIA: Yeah and even if there's no one else that you can immediately think about reaching out to for help like sometimes you know like practicing being your own best self… best friend can be a great first step to take… and I think that also ties into the issue of self-esteem you know like being good company for yourself like when you have good self-self-esteem you're able to be really good company for yourself but if you have low self-esteem then it's really hard to be with yourselves because you have low self-esteem… so how can... do you have any ideas on how we can be better friends to ourselves…

NEIL: Well I think one of the one of the things Jack talks about and I mentioned on the last podcast is to look at your successes in life just little things that you're proud of… for example finishing high school or getting a GED you know the certificate or getting a promotion at work or being in a relationship… you know just acknowledging those small successes and stop comparing yourself to others oh my god my my mother-in-law was talking about when she lived in the east coast that her neighbors they were always trying to outdo each other you know if it was cars or if it was furniture or if it was adult toys you know like speed boats and motorcycles that they were constantly trying to outdo their neighbors… and Jack says just find happiness in yourself don't compare yourself to others what makes one person happy may not make another person happy…

SAMIA: Right…

NEIL: And he also talked about keeping a victory log which I thought is a really good idea especially for kids you know everyday successes you know just log them into your little book like a diary you know for example like you know I got up on time you know I took my medication I met a new friend today I made someone feel good I helped someone you know I helped old lady cross the street I carried her groceries…

SAMIA: Yeah…

NEIL: And these are all things that you could put on you know on a victory log… another thing Jack talks about especially with people with low self-esteem and I think this would really help them as he calls it a mirror exercise and he does this before he goes to bed each night so he looks at the mirror and he states his name and he talks about things that he accomplished that day… you know like I said before it could be simple things you know getting up on time I made you know five calls to try to promote my business I planned a workshop for next week I'm doing a podcast with a colleague you know next month… you know those type of things... and then he talks about managing temptations so if you know things that are unhealthy that you continue to do you need to distract your mind to do something that's healthier… so for example oh I have a sweet tooth I think I got that from my dad and my brother has the same thing… so instead of having like two huge scoops of ice cream my wife bought these little ice cream cones from trader joe's and I just have one of those instead of having two scoops of ice cream… okay... or you know instead of eating you know like a candy bar I eat trail mix so I try to find healthier substitutes…

SAMIA: Yes yes… I love dates… a lot of Americans are not familiar with dates but if you are a Muslim if you live anywhere in the Middle East you probably love dates or at least know about dates and there are hundreds of varieties of dates but one of the the things about dates is that there are about seven depending on the variety they have a very high natural sugar content some dates have as much as 80 sugar content it's all natural of course but it's like nature's candy and so it's like an extremely satisfying… satisfying sweet like when you get that sweet craving it's a very very healthy sweet to treat yourself with and I love to eat you know eat it with almonds and walnuts you just stuff a few and there's like other nuts you could use but almonds and walnuts are my favorite stuff of you in the date and yum yum yum…

NEIL: So another thing that Jack talks about is with the mirror exercise in the morning he visualizes you know he closes his eyes he does meditation every morning for like five to 20 minutes and he visualizes things that he wants to accomplish that day and he gives himself positive affirmation so he's retraining his brain… especially for people who have a lot of negative self-talk this is a great exercise you know saying that you know I am a worthy person I am lovable you know I have friends I am capable of doing whatever… so instead of ingraining your brain with all this negative self-talk you gotta switch it…

SAMIA: Right…

NEIL: You gotta start talking about positive self-talk to yourself you gotta reprogram your brain …you know our brain capacity I mean you know scientists have been talking about this I think for the last maybe 50 or 60 years that we only use three percent of our capacity can you imagine that…

SAMIA: I think that's for like at a conscious level what we are able to process and so forth… of course subconsciously...

NEIL: Well that's what I'm saying that's positive right these positive affirmations could be the subconscious to get the subconscious part of your brain you know those negative thoughts that have been ingrained in your brain for years… you can change them… and then another thing he talks about is is just helping others you know I have a friend that I grew up with I think I've known her since I was maybe 12 or 13 years old and every Saturday I see on Facebook her and her husband are working at one of these food donation places so they live in Santa Clarita so there must be some type of food center and they're you know they're packing food and passing out food to people who need food…

SAMIA: Yeah I love it I love it…

NEIL: And that makes you feel good… 

SAMIA: Yeah…

NEIL: You know that makes you feel good helping somebody else I know for myself that I I'm a people person and if I could do anything to help someone else that makes me feel better…

SAMIA: For sure it's also a great way to make friends I mean depending on the kind of volunteering you do I know it's one of my favorite things to do in life too is like volunteer and all kinds of different capacities… and one of the reasons why I love it so much other than the awesome self-esteem boost I get is that I get to meet amazing amazing people who are also volunteering at the same place same time and you get to make really good friends…

NEIL: Well plus it's a win-win situation you're helping someone else out plus it's making you feel good so why not do it… 

SAMIA: That's right that's right I am definitely big on the value of volunteering in terms of just being able to give some of your time and energy and effort as a way to help…alright…

NEIL: So another thing that Jack talks about is to evaluate your friends people who you think are your friends you know I mentioned this earlier during this pandemic you know those people who have reached out to you those are your true friends…

SAMIA: Yes…

NEIL: You know the people that haven't talked to you in the last 18 months or 16 months they're not your friends it's as simple as that and he talks about it's important to find people that lift you up and I have a couple of those people… my cousin who's six months younger than I am and his name is Neil too he lifts me up and I think our mothers did that… our mothers talked every single day my mom would talk to my cousin’s Neil's mom my aunt every single day because I think they lifted each other up…

SAMIA: Yeah yeah I think the kind of friendship you're talking about it's like this kind of close supportive you know foundation like foundation that we have that provides us with the support that we need and you don't need hundreds of friends like that in fact it's impossible to have hundreds of friends like that we don't have enough time and energy to give to so many people… so you only need a handful of these like real true friends who will always be there for you during good times and hard times…

NEIL: Well it may not even be a handful it could be two or three…

SAMIA: Yeah yeah yeah…

NEIL: Also he talks about to avoid the people that bring you down…

SAMIA: Yeah…

NEIL: The people that suck your energy you know the people that are always gossiping behind someone's back… the people that take a lot of your time and they don't give you anything in return there's no reciproc... what's it called being reciprocal…

SAMIA: Right…

NEIL: You know those that only call you when they need something out of you… you know these are the people that you need to avoid because they're sucking the energy out of you…

SAMIA: Yeah yeah it sort of goes back to you know when we were talking about earlier… like if you're in a relationship that is... I mean that's part of the definition of what an abusive relationship is like you know… it sucks the life out of you it sucks the energy out of you it takes more way way more out of you than any anything that it gives you you know… and so for sure like whether... and yeah you sometimes we have friends like that we don't need in our life… and so sometimes those are... you can start there like the people who are not… that are relatively easy for you to lose so to speak because they don't play a huge important role in your life but they're nonetheless there and sucking all your time and energy maybe just start moving away from them and that's an easy first step you can take towards surrounding yourself with more positive people…

NEIL: So I wanted to share I don't know how much time we got left but I wanted to share this poster I took a picture of this I was substitute teaching the other day for first grade class and I don't know how this saying goes exactly but I remember it's like the things that like you learned in kindergarten can help you your whole life or are the things you learn in kindergarten are this the basics that you need in life or something like that… and this poster is it talks about a perfect friend and it has snoopy so it says… always happy to see you that would be a good friend loves to share a smile with you there's a warm spot in their heart for you they stand by your side when things are rough they're full of great advice they're always ready to listen to you they're available to lean on and they're good for holding and helping…

SAMIA: Awesome I love that and I will have us wrap up on this really amazing positive note… thank you again Neil for being with us and sharing that with us and  everything that you shared with us for that matter and yeah...any last words…

NEIL: Thank you for sharing… I think we're a great team together we just bounce ideas off each other…

SAMIA: Indeed Indeed all right okay so everyone we'll see you next time and in the meantime check out... make sure you check out the links that we share with you in the show notes for the resources I mentioned earlier but also how you can connect with Neil and how you can connect with me and I will see you soon take care…