SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, and Privet!It's really really good to be with you again. And we have a return guest... and I'm so happy to have her with us again. It's Roxanne Kuchciak who's an Intuitive Empowerment coach at Creating Beyond. And yeah... I just want to welcome you back Roxanne! Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

ROXANNE: Thank you so much Samia... so nice to be back again.

SAMIA: Yes! I'm so excited... last time we had such a wonderful and rich conversation about... actually even before we got into the conversation, you did this amazing demonstration of a clearing process… of a healing process… that you engage in. And I must tell you like... not only did I feel the benefit of it at that time... but I'm continuing to feel fabulous since… and the process... whatever the issue was that you helped me clear… It's still clear. So thank you so much!

ROXANNE: You are so welcome.

SAMIA: Yeah... okay! So you know one of the things I think we had just begun to touch up on last time... but we didn't really get to dig in with you because we were out of time... was this idea about relationships across lifetimes... and the impact that it has on us now in our ability to be happy now and to have healthy relationships now... So I would love to dig more into that with you today...

ROXANNE: Wonderful. So there's so many types of relationships... and I'm sure you've heard people say... "Oh my God... everyone around me keeps doing the same thing. Why does everyone react to me this way?" Like... you're the common denominator. So like everybody hear that… like if everyone's being mean to you, or the same scenarios keep happening again and again... you are the common denominator. So it's not the world against you... it's something that you're emoting through your energy field... like the way that people treat you or the way that you're asking me to be treated. And if you look at it like this... if we do have past lives... I don't know if we do or not... it's not 100% sure… but you do have your genetics... you have your mother's belief systems... you have your father's belief systems. And then you have all of your ancestor's belief systems running through your DNA… and their choices that they've made that are passed down genetically... and you're programmed to respond in these specific ways. So we’re programmed to respond in these specific ways... and we have no connection to it. It just comes out of us. And you sit back and you're like..."I didn't do anything wrong"... because you're not consciously aware of how you're acting out this genetic relationship energy. And if we did have past lives... then you're looking at like all of these other existences where if you want to talk about free will universes or non-free will universes... So in the non-free will... you… everything was demanded... you are obligated… you knew the rules. You either played correctly... or you didn't play correctly... whatever that means… But there's energy and there's these stipulations of who you're supposed to be based on the non-free will energies. And then the free will energy… And we come here …we’re like, oh I’m in a free-will universe. We have say... we have choice. But you didn't clear the non-free will choices… So those carry over and people are wondering... like... "why can I have a great relationship? Why can I be in a healthy relationship? Why isn't anyone choosing me?" And then if you want to take it another step in another direction is that... If we've had other relationships in other lifetimes... “I'm gonna love you forever. You're my soulmate. I will never choose anyone other than you”... And your body dies and you're here in a new body... but those programs and those beliefs and those promises and those vows are still active currently, here and now, tripping you up... and you're like... I know there's this one person for me… You might have 50 of them that you've promised to be together with forever every single lifetime. "I will love you forever"... or, "I will provide for you forever". And then you show up in this lifetime and the person's not here. And they're not providing for you. And we feel really jaded... like where's my money... they said that they were going to take care of me. They broke their promise… So if we could all be willing to look at all of our ancestral energy... how much of your ancestor's belief systems are running through your DNA? Just kind of look... if you could just glimpse… if you could imagine your Akashic Record energy… How much is your authentic energy? And how much is your ancestors? So I… you know... imagine that you're just encapsulating all of your ancestors' thoughts... feelings... emotions... patterns... programs and stories... and shrinking them out of existence, out of your energy field. And then choose for you. And then if we look in our past life energy... how many of these unresolved "I'll love you forever"... "you're the one for me"... "no one's ever gonna replace you"... Will you now revoke... recant... rescind... renounce... denounce... destroy... and uncreate everywhere you have said it or anyone has said it to you… and null and void all of those agreements now… and shrink them down to less than nothing... The perception of soulmate contracts... we have a contract to be together forever… And you've done it lifetime after lifetime. And you're like... " eww, I don't want to be with this person". And will you now null and void all of those soulmate contracts... Cuz when you have a contract it feels sticky and heavy, and you want to rebel... Like that's the natural response for some of these outdated programs… is you want to rebel. So if you can release the contract... you might actually choose that person again... out of choice instead of a contract making you deal with that person. So all of that… detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete it all. And everywhere you're waiting for the one that's going to complete you... will you now detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel complete it all and shrink it down to less than nothing… You are already complete... and you would like a partner that is already complete. So everything that doesn't allow you to know that you are the other half to make your whole... and they are the other half to make their whole... And you come together in combination and creation to enhance each other's lives and move forward without completing each other's lives… Will you now detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete all the need to complete somebody else... And instead choose, if you choose, to be a contribution to your partners... and uplift each other... So everything that doesn't allow that detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete it all... And all of those unfulfilled promises that we will be together forever… will you just allow them to actually delete once that body has passed over… You know so the body dies in other lifetimes, let those energies die with the body. So each time you start over... you start over from choice. And everything that doesn't allow that... detach… resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete it all and shrink it down to less than nothing. And then we look at some of the religions and cultures that have pre-arranged marriages… which are fine. But how many of you have been in those situations where your mate has been chosen for you? And now you're in this lifetime and it doesn't apply to everybody anymore? So you're waiting for like... "where's my matchmaker? How am I supposed to find somebody on my own? I don't know how to find anybody on my own". Will you now detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete all of your need to have a matchmaker or be set up by somebody… like somebody else's opinion of what's gonna work for you is better than your own... Will you now detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete it all and shrink it down to less than nothing... And are you choosing for you? You know... are you choosing a mate that you would like to be with? Are you looking through your mother's eyes or your father's eyes of what they think would be the best mate for you... Can we now just detach from all of that and shrink it down to less than nothing? 1 2 3 release... 1 2 3 release... 1 2 3 release... So how does that feel?

SAMIA: Well... I consciously don't know what I might have released. But emotionally I feel fabulous. I feel for sure... like… lighter and happier than I was even just a few minutes ago.

ROXANNE: Wonderful. And that's part of the thing is that we don't know what we've agreed to before… And I like… I kind of laugh sometimes when I say these things... because I'm like we have no idea what we've done. And like... I am, "Yep... I've done that, I've done that, I've done that"... And like... I let it release for myself as well... because we don't know... what we've agreed to… what we're expecting... what we're choosing… all of that detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete it all. And then mutual and one-sided arrangements... like I've decided this is my partner... and they have... they don't want anything to do with you.

SAMIA: Yeah... So this idea of wholeness like is really, really fascinating for me. And it was just making me think about... you know… like some of the ways that... like if you don't feel whole in yourself... like you mentioned already a little bit… like referred a little bit already to how that can show up in our lives… And I was wondering if you could maybe give us a few more examples of like... how that can play out in our relationships now if I'm not feeling whole…

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ROXANNE: Well... a lot of us will feel homesick... we have a home planet that we long before. Familiar soul group members, whole tribes from other lifetimes… that wholeness unity energy... So a lot of people are looking for their soulmate... but it's actually like the familiar energy that they feel most at home within. And if there are past lives... some of those planets might not exist anymore. So we have this longing and calling for a time and a place that's no longer available or accessible. So if that is what's happening for you... can we now just detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... completed all. And kind of make a connection from when it was complete and download it here now... like that piece that you feel like you're missing? Another way it can show up is if you know... you've been separated from your parents… or your parents have died young... or you have been adopted out... or you have all of this genetic memory and programs running... and you're like I don't know where they came from... As if you need to know where they come from... you know so you can have beliefs that are on a core level which is this lifetime... genetic level which is your DNA… history level which is past life... and soul level which is all that you are. And you can walk on the land and touch memories and activate other people's memories… So we're not really sure 100% where our thoughts, feelings and emotions come from. A piece of dirt is like a memory keeper… like so all of this stuff gets so confused and discombobulated… and who am I and who might not… So all of that, that's up and active, just detach from it and shrink it down to less than nothing. But it's amazing how certain people will act just like people that they have never met before... You know like a child or grandchild can act just like their grandparents that they've never met. Or the same thing about like a child and a father that has been separated. And how that child can do so many similar things and patterns… and just really the little nuances of who we are can be so dynamically similar to a parent, a grandparent through the DNA... But then it's like "Am I being me or am I being my ancestors?"

SAMIA: Yes.

ROXANNE: And I'm being me... am I reacting to how my ancestors believed? So that's another way to look at it is like... we're not fully free until we're looking at like... "Is this my reaction? Or is this someone else, or something else's reaction? And my authentically being myself? Or am I just reading the energy and responding?" So all of that… just step back from it... encapsulate all of it and shrink it down to less than nothing. And then you start having more awareness… would I really react this way... would I really choose this for myself or am I just choosing because the people before me have chosen this, or I've been told I'm supposed to be in this class system? So every single lifetime I come in with no money, and I stay with no money. Or every time I'm middle class… I can't go low which is good, but I can't go higher either... Or you know you're born into old money and you know... there's such energy on the planet that old money is better than new money. So what's the point of creating your life with money if your new money doesn't count for anything? So all of that… detach... resolve... dissolve... cancel... complete it all and shrink it down to less than nothing. We need to like really feel out our worlds... like what's creating for us? What works for us? What doesn't work for us? What do we want in our life? What do we not want in our life... and keep the good and discard the bad. Because you can have that whole energy of opposites attract. And I know that… that was a big thing in my life. And I thought... "oh my god, with opposites attract, if I'm good they have to be bad. There has to be this constant battle and... and fighting for superiority... and like... oh... it's exhausting". So what if we could just be in relationships because somebody's choosing to be there. And if you're not choosing to be there... then you can leave. So that's kind of how I look at all of the genetic things. And you know obviously you're gonna play out like your mother... you're gonna be just like your mother... just like your father... And it's like... "oh...". And then you start speaking the way they are… like… why I turned into my mother... I turned into my father… Ahh... And it's programmed and expected... like teenagers have to be bad. You know they're all going to be awful little teenagers… What if they didn't have to be awful little teenagers? You know terrible twos... What if your kid didn't have to be a nightmare? You know… but we project so much of how we are supposed to show up... that we just fall into it.

SAMIA: And... you know what you're making me think about now is… when we think about what life really is truly all about… what the purpose of our life is, especially at a soul level… You know there's this idea that our souls are here to learn something... And I think it has to be the case that one of the most fundamental lessons that we need to learn is about freedom... and how to live free lives... And the fact that we have all of these things that attach us or that attach to us or that we attach ourselves to... these are really meant to be opportunities for us to learn about being truly free... Because like our spiritual nature… like Spirit... Divine Spirit… is freedom… you know… And we're trying to melt back into that Divine Spirit… And so how can we truly melt back into the Divine Spirit as long as we are holding on to any kinds of attachments... you know…?

ROXANNE: It’s a whole belief that the body... the bodies tend to create separation. You have to remember to forget… or like all of that stuff that our poor bodies have to go through just to uphold our nonsense belief systems… Like, pain has to be significant… and all of these different things like that… I see it all the time in my business.. is that... you know there's somebody that like... "Oh... my ideal mate has this type of body and they're active and they do all of these things… Because once I get that then maybe I’ll do that". It's really... if you're not doing it now... are you really going to do it when you have that mate that does it? And if that mate is looking for a partner to be active and healthy and social with… and you lie and say... "Oh... I'm gonna be that person..." how is that relationship gonna work?

SAMIA: Yeah...

ROXANNE: I'll be thin when I'm with that person... or I'll be healthy when I'm with that person... or I'll be happy when I’m with that person… It's like, what makes you think that that person would choose you if you're not already being it? And then we get disappointed because we fantasize about our ideal partners and what our life's gonna be with them someday... instead of living your life today.

SAMIA: Right! And even just wanting your partner to be something other than who you are... you're really just projecting your own need… and it's coming from this place of not feeling whole in yourself... not feeling enough in yourself… as we were talking about earlier... you know this idea of being whole in yourself. So it's like, be happy now... be happy with who you are as you are now. And if there's something that you want to change about yourself... go ahead and do it. Like, don't wait for someone else to pull you or push you into that.

ROXANNE: And then and when it doesn't work out the way that you think it should... then you've got this person to blame... And you know it's just an endless cycle. It's like you're either gonna blame yourself or blame them... "I shouldn't have picked this person... they don't really see me... they don't really know…". We don't tell people what we really want. We just expect everybody to read our minds and give us what they... we think they should give us instead of having these open conversations of... "this is what I would like in a relationship... what would you like in a relationship?" But we assume that the other person is just going to psychically or energetically get it... and just know us. Because if they love us... they would know us. That always isn’t the case…

SAMIA: Yes... oh my gosh. I think if I have a pet peeve that I've developed about relationships... it's this… this expectation of... "if you love me then you will know what I'm thinking, feeling, needing, wanting". And I... I mean… I... maybe it's just because I personally feel really challenged... like I definitely have a slightly socially challenged personality in the sense that… I can find it very difficult to actually perceive what other people are thinking, feeling and needing, wanting... And I really appreciate, and need even a lot of times, for people to explicitly let me know what it is that they're thinking, feeling, needing, wanting… because until they do... I don't get it. Or it's very difficult for me to get it... you know. And it's just... I don't want to have to always be struggling in that way in my relationships. And so... you know the healthiest relationships that I have… this is like something that I have been able to express in these relationships. And this is like something that... like, for example, my sister, I think is like one of the people in my life that I've the healthiest relationships with... and because you know she really respects my... like where I am at... in terms of my ability to understand or not... you know where she's at… And she regularly checks in with me. She's like... "Samia... did you pick up on this? Did you pick up on that?" And she actually even now helps me out… Like when we're in a social situation... or even with our wider family... she was like... "did you notice this happening with our dad or mom or this cousin? When they said this, did you realize that they were feeling like this or wanting that?" And sometimes I'm able to say yes. And a lot of times I'm like... "Oh no, I totally did not pick up on that. Thank you for letting me know". And its just you know made my life so much easier to have this kind of openness… and not feel the pressure of you know like having to figure it out on my own, you know, as a sign of how much I love my sister, or anyone else in my life for that matter that… Oh my gosh...

ROXANNE: Right. And you know you might not have had those cell receptors in that experience. So it's like you're closed off to it... because it's not part of your reality. And then you're trying to explain and understand and you're like... "I don't get it because I don't play there". So it's hard when people come up with their shock and their trauma, and their devastation, and “how dare you”… And it's like... "how dare I? I have no idea what you're talking about"... You know… but so many people expect us to poke our heads into their world and read them and it's not always accurate even for the best of the best to do it.

SAMIA: Right.

ROXANNE: So you know some of us are mind readers. But like again... what's the block? What's the catch? And you know we say... "Oh, it's okay, you don't have to do this..." But you know that they want you to… So it's like cutting through all of those games and manipulations and eliminating that from your world… and asking for somebody that authentically shows up… and you can have an actual conversation with, without games, without fighting, without arguing... And again, it's done about like... polar... polar opposites... opposites attract... And you don't have to have total similar people… you want somebody 50-50… that you agree with and you can disagree with... and they're not going to be stomping out the door mad at you every time you have your own opinion.

SAMIA: Yeah... You know what you just made me think of… is some research that I read. This was actually like years ago… back when I was still a student in UCLA... I was a psychology major… And you know we were like learning about some research that is very clearly established now, actually… you know this debate that people have about "oh, do opposite attract... you know… or is it better to be with someone who's more like you..." etcetera… Actually, relationship psychology research has solved that problem... it's not a mystery anymore. And what the conclusion... according to the research... was that you know the differences that we have as people... that is what adds like spice to life… to our life… to our relationships. And of course that's important. And you want a certain level of spice... and in that context like variety and difference… But the glue of a relationship is really the commonalities that we have. So you also need to have a certain level of commonality. And you have to... like in the context of healthy relationships... the things that you have in common matter... because like the... I mean you can have things in common that are superficial… and you know they're not really that important to you… and so they won't be a very strong glue. So you want to make sure what you have in common are the things that are really super important for you... you know like in terms of your values and ethics, etcetera. And similarly with differences... there are things that you can have different... and it’ll actually add more spice in your life... more excitement in the relationship. But those differences shouldn't be about things where you need them to be the same… for the glue in the relationship... Yeah.

ROXANNE: Yes, that's the whole thing about... I love, they hate... you know like we don't have to love everything the same… we don't have to hate everything the same. I see it like 40/60% of the opposite… it doesn't mean 100-100… I am on one end or on the other end... you're battling… like and what is that gonna create for either?

SAMIA: Right.

ROXANNE: Once I was gonna feel rejected... once I was gonna feel overtaken... disempowered... overpowered... and you know when it's more matched energetically you know based on thoughts... feelings... emotions... desires... hopes... goals... targets that you want out of your life… and when you have that similarity is... as you said that's the glue that keeps them together, that they're like... well there's more than more of this than there is not... Let's work through this.

SAMIA: Yeah!

ROXANNE: Like... if I'm polar opposites… you're like... there's no... there's no way, there's no way you're ever going to fully get to a common space if one's pushing this limit and the other one's pushing that way.

SAMIA: That's true. And I mean... it's not like... we can't change our energy. So it's like even if someone is at a different energy from you... you could change… create change... certainly in your own energy to match theirs. But do you really want to? Is that really the wiser thing to do... in some situations that might be... like if to raise your… like for example... to change your energy to match the other person means that you're going to raise your energy… up level your energy in a positive way...  maybe that's an awesome thing to strive for… But if it means that you will have to bring your energy down... you know to a more negative state... then I don't want to do that.

ROXANNE: But again if there is that belief that polar opposites... you might shift and then they shift. It's like you switch places… 

SAMIA: Oh wow… 

ROXANNE: like... always that shift you know… like fight energy… So that's something I look at too... because I've seen that happen where one person is like.. "okay I get it... I get it..." and then they finally agree with their partner after all these years… and then that partner's like, "wait a minute, maybe you were right..." And then they totally flipp rules, and it's just like… give it up... just give it up at that point. Or... you know don't fight about these things that are totally not significant or insignificant or don't even belong to you.

SAMIA: So true...

ROXANNE: Politics right... One has this point of view, one has that point of view…and it's like "oh... I don't know".

SAMIA: Right.

ROXANNE: Some things we have to agree not to agree on, and move on, you know, either together or separate. But there should be those like non-negotiables… This is somebody that I want to spend life with… and depending on what it is... no cheating, no, no drugs... no whatever… Whatever your preference is. they should match... that energy should be exposed upfront... instead of you know... "oh we've dated for six months… you don't want me to do that?" "Well, I didn't really want you to do it from the beginning but I didn't want to ruin the relationship". And then that person feels like they're pressured into staying in the relationship because they've already invested time.

SAMIA: Right. Yeah... oh my gosh relationships can be really tricky… and they don't have to be.

ROXANNE: Exactly. And it's all choice... What do you want... what do you want… And if there's a fight at the beginning... do you want to keep investing in that fight, or do you want to start creating beyond the fight… and eliminating some of those possibilities that are just a no? You know when people… like people say... "oh yeah! I'm gonna totally be there"... You know they're lying… You know… you can feel that they're lying... Believe that response that they're lying and move on. But we waste so much time giving them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe they're not that way… and making up these stories... and we put blinders on... And then years later you're like, "oh I knew that when I met him". Go with your gut instinct... as much as possible.

SAMIA: Yeah...

ROXANNE: Not everybody deserves a chance. That's a whole big lie... but everyone deserves a chance… No... not if it's not a match. If it's a no for you... honor that no for you.

SAMIA: Right! And I mean they may deserve a chance, but not in the context of you having to be in an intimate relationship with them, or in a specific kind of relationship with them... Everyone may deserve a chance in terms of… they have the capacity and the opportunity to create change in their lives for themselves…

ROXANNE: Absolutely…

SAMIA: …and you know, you can cheer them on... or wish them well in that process, you know, to whatever extent you're able to do that... But it's ultimately not your responsibility to change anyone else… or to… yeah... make that happen for someone else.

ROXANNE: Be that person they want you to be when it's not you… So that's kind of the energy with you know... not everybody… like just because they choose you doesn't mean you have to choose them back.

SAMIA: Right.

ROXANNE: If you let them go... and you open up that space then they could find somebody that would actually choose them.

SAMIA: Right.

ROXANNE: And just... you don't choose them doesn't mean no one else will...

SAMIA: Yeah. That's true... that is so true... Ah! Roxanne… you just keep me thinking of... thinking of more and more things to talk about. And I have to restrain myself and begin to wrap for today. Do you have any last thoughts or words that you'd like to share, just for right now...

ROXANNE: Just this energy of like fighting for love... fighting to keep love alive... like… if you weren't fighting it and you weren't trained to fight it… would you choose it? So step away from all that you're fighting for, fighting with, and detach... resolve... dissolve… cancel... complete it all… and shrink it down to less than nothing. And I want to thank you Samia... this is so fun. So thank you for having this talk with me today...

SAMIA: Thank you Roxanne for coming back and sharing more of your wisdom and healing. And you just... I love how you just incorporate the process of healing and releasing... just even in just the way that we have our conversation. It's like really, really, wonderful... and I so appreciate it. And so for everyone who is listening, make sure you check the show notes because we will be adding Roxanne's links in the show notes... so you can connect with her. And if you need some help, some support in releasing whatever you need to release, please get in touch with her. I'll also drop my links in the show notes in case you want to get in touch with me. And yeah... until we connect next time, I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy. :)