SAMIA: Can you give an example of what it looks like for someone who is not aware of their story or who is not owning their story... like what might happen for them in that case?

SAMIA: Yeah… You know you made me think about my own... some aspects of my own story and how I didn't always own it. Not that I wanted to deny it, but I think part of the self-awareness aspect of it also kicks in, in my situation. Because I think for me... the dramatic aspect of my story starts when I was around eight years old and I survived child sexual abuse. I mean I have memories from before that time, but that is a trauma I experienced that just sort of overtook everything. And it just sort of, you know, put these, sort of, “perspective blinders” on. So everything that I was seeing in my life, and about myself, was through this perspective, very narrow perspective of, I've suffered this trauma. And you know, just feeling the suffering that I felt because of it. And of course, not to say that that wasn't true. But it was only a part of the truth. It was only a part of my story. And even in that context, when I was so focused on the suffering, I didn't see the whole story that's even associated, or that can be a part of the story of being a trauma survivor, you know. For example, now when I look at my story of being a trauma survivor, I don't just see the parts of, you know, the like, the dramatic parts, the painful parts, the hurtful parts. I also now see the parts where I learned amazing lessons in life to help me grow into the person that I am today, that I really love!

SAMANTHA: Yes!

SAMIA: So, yeah.

SAMANTHA: I love that aspect you brought out. It's a silly cliche of, hindsight is 20/20, when we look back over... And I think an aspect of awareness that... you were saying is like, you're saying, looking back over in non-judgment, and with more of like appreciation for it. Of like... that is how I got to here, versus that like, "Oh, I had to go through that".

SAMIA: Yeah.

SAMANTHA: I loved too how you highlighted that, the blinders... and how we don't even know what we don't know. Our minds are so amazing, oh.

SAMIA: Yeah. That's why self-awareness is so important, you know... like if you, if you don't even have awareness, you don't have self-awareness, how can you even begin to create change in your life? I mean, you know, you can try to create change. But if you don't fully understand yourself, you don't fully understand the situation that you're in, you're going to struggle to find the right solution.

SAMANTHA: Exactly! That's one of, like the best and the worst things about coaching. Because like we just said, we don't know what we don't know. And then we start to illuminate all these things of like, okay, we know what we don't know. And now we have to make the choices to do the things now that we know. And it's learning how to create that fun and enjoyment and curiosity really of like... "Whoa! How did I get here? Really?! All that made this? Whoa!" And then in coaching my favorite part is how we take all of that like "whoa" feeling and we start to understand like, okay, we want to move forward, we want to, like you were saying... how do we know we're having fun? For a long time myself, I like... waking up was this feeling of, "Do I like that? Do I like getting up at 6am? Or maybe I like getting up at 6:15..." you know? Like, what… How do we start figuring out what we actually like? It sounds so simple. However it's not that easy.

SAMIA: Yes, oh my gosh. You just made me think of this movie, The Runaway Bride. And there's... <

SAMANTHA: I have not…

SAMIA: You have not? Okay, wait... I'm terrible with names, but it has this very famous actress. Anyway, the storyline of this movie, if I'm not messing it up, I saw it a long time ago, is that there's this lady who is infamous for running away from her wedding on the day of her wedding. So she gets engaged, she gets to her wedding day, and then she runs away. And it keeps happening. And every time, you know, the person she gets engaged to, they're like, "No, no. This time, you know, I'm convinced she really loves me and we’ll make this work. And this is true love. This is it." But every time she runs away. And so there's this reporter fellow who hears about what's happening with this person and he's like, I'm gonna do a bigger story on her. And, you know, and so he comes to meet her. He ends up falling in love with her. They end up getting engaged. And he's like also thinking, "This is it, she really loves me and we're really going to make this work. Because unlike all these other fools before me I really know her, I really know her”. And then it's their wedding day and she runs away again. And this time though something different happens. Because she eventually comes back to him and she's... she actually proposes to him. And she's like, "Now I'm ready. I'm ready to get married to you and commit to you.” And he's like, "What changed? What's different?". And the core lesson of this movie was that the heroine, she says, “you know, you are right. None of those other guys knew me. I was always acting. I was just always being who I thought they wanted me to be. And therefore, you know, when it came time to actually commit to being with them I couldn't do it. Like there was something in my heart that wouldn't let me do it. With you, you really do know... you did come to know me. But the problem was I still didn't know me. And so I still could not commit". And in the time that they were... that she... after she ran away, and that they were apart... she spent all that time getting to know herself. And I remember there were like all these scenes where... one day she makes all these different kinds of eggs. There's a hard-boiled egg and like a fried egg, and you know, like all these different kinds of eggs. And she's just trying which kind of egg do I really like? Because every time, you know, she was with someone, whatever kind of egg they liked, that's the kind of egg she would be like, "Oh! That's my favorite too". But you know, it took her like, you know, like this time of being like, "No. I'm just going to be by myself, I'm not going to be with anyone else, I'm not going to worry about it"... and just taking that time to get to know herself, even something as seemingly little as what kind of egg do I actually like...

SAMANTHA: Yeah.

SAMIA: ...It’s important, it's important.

SAMANTHA: Oh, it's so true! The little things in life are so important and they all add up. You made me think of a couple of things. First of all was an interview with Jay Shetty... he was discussing similar to what you're saying, that viewpoint and how we show up in the world... It's, oftentimes we don't show up how we think we are, we show up how we think others think we are. Like you're saying, she would show up and she thought she was supposed to be like that for those men. And then this man showed up and was like, "I know you". And she's like "but I don't know me". And that makes me think of that age-old...oh, what's the saying? Oh it's on the tip of my tongue... You can lead a horse to the water, but you can't convince it to drink.

SAMIA: Yes, exactly! And you can't drink for it either.

SAMANTHA: And that's the thing, I love this conversation! That's the thing about... ChangeMakers and being aware of ourselves... it all starts within, and understanding ourselves that's... I have to go watch that movie now. That's such a beautiful representation of what I love about coaching. Because it's so true, we have our story start from the day we were born. And so if we start cultivating awareness at... I'm 30, I've been on this journey for a couple of years. Other people start in their 50's, 60's, 70's... That's up to 70 years of input...

SAMIA: Yeah.

SAMANTHA: ...of awareness, of values, beliefs. Going back to what you're saying, there was that huge impact at eight. And it's almost like when you get shined with the flashlight, have you ever been shined in the eyes with the flashlight? And then like five minutes later you still have that light. And life is like that where this something happens to us and we have all these feelings and then we keep moving forward in life because it all keeps happening. And so we have all these values and inputs and things and our brains are so amazing... how the values we create in our little people, when we're five and four and so… these values turn into beliefs that we start to carry with us, right? I'm sure in your journey with the beliefs you made at eight, you've worked through to be who you are today with me and...

SAMIA: Yeah, no for sure, for sure.

SAMANTHA: Yeah, and it's from those beliefs too. I work with my clients on this. It's from the beliefs that come from our values, that we get these motivators to get us to go in any direction -- fight, flight or freeze. And that is where the behaviors start coming from and we... for me I can only speak from my own story. I was a freezer. Like... and that's where my people pleasing would come in and be like, okay what can I do to make this better? ...I don't, oh!

SAMIA: Yeah. Oh that's the similarity between you and me. Like, I use the language of being a conflict avoider. Like, I hated drama with a passion, like I couldn't tolerate any drama at all. Even like simple little, little emotional things... I just couldn't handle it. I mean... and I, wow... It had a huge impact on my life. And I didn't realize it was actually all tied up with the trauma response because, you know, it like... When you experience a trauma, like, different people will respond differently, every survivor responds differently. And so the way that I reacted was connected to my personality type, you know. And so I, even prior to experiencing the trauma that I did, I was... let's say lower on the emotional intelligence skill than a lot of people. I didn't necessarily have very healthy skills to be able to cope with my emotions. And so when I experienced that huge trauma and then I had all these really intense emotions, I certainly couldn't handle those. And so my best strategy that my eight-year-old brain could come up with was to repress and to deny and to just try to avoid anything that triggered, you know, that sense of suffering. And so you know, like that was one of the reasons I got so quiet, and so withdrawn in the aftermath of the trauma that I experienced. And I continued like that for like the next two decades. Like, I had no friends, I couldn't make any new friends, or keep any friends. Because, you know, like even in my own family you know, I was always just keeping to myself and by myself... because to interact with people, like, you can't avoid emotions.

SAMANTHA: Yeah. Right!

SAMIA: You can’t avoid emotions. And so I was like just avoiding interaction with people, you know. And it's just a very sad way to be, but it was the best I could do until I developed those skills that I needed to cope with my own emotions. And I remember one of the most scary things I did was, because I knew I had this problem, I like forced myself to sign up to go through training to become a crisis counselor on a domestic violence/sexual assault hotline. And I was like, if I can go through this training and I can learn to deal with all the drama that I would be exposed to on a crisis hotline, I can do anything. It was, like, so scary to go through, like... just the sign up process... I was like "Oh no, what am I doing to myself?" But I really had this strong sense that "No this is something I have to do for myself, to keep living my life”, you know? And so I did it. And actually once I got into it, it was so freeing, it was so amazing and healing in so many ways. And actually, ironically, I became one of the best trainees, to the point that within, like, just a few months of graduating with my certification and being on the hotline, I got invited to become a trainer for other people training to do crisis counseling on the hotline. I was like "Yay! Awesome!"

SAMANTHA: That is it! I love... how beautiful... how the hardest parts of our stories often become the biggest highlights in our growth.

SAMIA: Yes, yes, yeah... but, you know, like coming from that point of self-awareness to first recognize, oh, that I'm behaving this way, the reason I'm so withdrawn and not able to have healthy happy relationships and friendships in my life is because, you know, I'm having this trauma response of not being able to deal with my emotions. And so that's the real cause. It's not that there's something wrong with me, or wrong with other people, you know. And that's what I meant… Like, if you don't have a proper self-awareness, if you don't have proper awareness of what the problem is, you can't find the right solution.

SAMANTHA: Yes, yes! I love what you're saying too about the emotions that come up... I feel like for me and mine, the emotions would come up and like you're saying, I didn't... my brain was like shut down. And then I got into adulthood, and like you're saying...for a long time... but you can't please everybody. It's like, "Whoa!" My brain just, like, exploded when I wrapped my brain around that and was like, "Okay, I have to figure out and navigate life pleasing myself, and everything else will fall around that”. And yeah... and really coming back to that self-awareness, that... for me it was like the sadness isn't going to last forever. This anger isn't all-consuming, it's anger… and being aware of it. From that awareness, like you're saying, it's like, "Okay, okay I'm aware of it, now what do I do with all of that?" And then digesting, like you're saying, of like, "Okay I want it, I want to be like this, I want to interact like this in the world"... And so we start like you did. You went and tried something. And I really identify with that... doing hard things, simply to do hard things like you're saying. I remember I had been doing nothing for quite some time honestly. I was just doing nothing in life. And my really good friend called me up with a job opportunity in another country to volunteer. And I was like, that moment of like, "I can't leave the country!" And then that other moment of like, "You're literally not doing anything right now ma'am!" And... yeah, grabbing that awareness and being like, "Okay, I'm scared. What is this scared showing me?"... way before I even had the awareness that I have now, you know.

SAMIA: Yes. What is something that helped you become more self-aware? What is something that our listeners can sort of try to tap into to help them become more self-aware?

SAMANTHA: I love that question. The first step on my journey in self-awareness was recognizing... recognizing the finger point. For me in my story, it was a lot of, like, "Well, that's why I'm like this" and "Well, that's where that comes from" and "Well this is because of that". And an aware person understands that when we point one finger out, there's three fingers pointing back at myself. And it was in that initial awareness of like, "Oh, I'm blaming someone again? what? Oh I'm blaming someone again". And I hesitate to say that because my next reaction in my journey, and what I help women to not fall into, is my next step was to react to that. I was like "Ahhh! I'm pointing the finger. Oh, Judgment! And that's wrong, and don't do that!" And so part of me hesitates to say that the first step is recognizing the finger pointing. However, like where I started, a lot of us have that awareness and that label, that we have all this luggage to slug along with us... and it's that awareness again... initial awareness that I'm blaming my luggage again. I'm pointing a finger again. It seems so simple...but it's not as easy as it sounds.

SAMIA: Yes, but I love what you just said about, you know, even if you are not able to diagnose the cause, or the root cause, of why you're having a problem, the fact that you're experiencing a problem, the fact that you're feeling that heaviness of that luggage that you're carrying, that's a point of self-awareness in itself, you know. Like, "Oh, I have this weight on me, there's something wrong here"... that can actually in itself be a point of self-awareness. And then like you were saying earlier, it's about curiosity... get curious, and be like, "Why is this on me? What can I do to get rid of it? And then you begin to get closer to the solutions. And I also really loved what you said about the finger point thingy. I will tell you, as a Happiness Expert, one of the hugest, hugest, lessons that I've learned in my life and that I now teach, and I feel so excited actually to be able to teach... is this exact problem... with all the judgments that we carry and how that ruins our happiness! Like, literally, whether it's like you're judging yourself or that you're judging other people, judgments ruin our happiness. Because the moment... it's like, if you're judging something to be good then of course you feel good about it. But you judge something to be bad, you then feel bad about it. And as long as you have a judgmental mindset, you'll always be judging things. There'll always be things around you that you will be able to judge as bad, if you choose to have, you know, a judgmental perspective. And so there will always be things that will be around you, or happening with you, or to you, or within you, that are there and making you unhappy. And so if you really, really, don't want to be unhappy in your life, one of the things you have to get rid of is this judgmental mindset. Oh gosh, but, you know that then, but then, like you were saying... It can be hard to get rid of the judgmental mindset because, one of the triggers that I know I experienced is, like, when I realized how much I was judging other people then I started judging myself for judging other people.

SAMANTHA: For judging others, exactly!

SAMIA: And so then, you know, that then, you're like, "Oh no, oh no!"... then you start feeling bad about yourself. And I don't want to feel bad about myself. So then what do I do? Do I just start avoiding and try suppressing all of these uncomfortable feelings, and realizations? What do I do then?

SAMANTHA: Right, it's this like doubt, this snowball effect of like, "Uh, oh! I'm judging. Oh no, I have to stop judging! Oh no! I'm judging myself for trying. Oh I have to stop judging myself for judging them. Oh my gosh, how do I get out of this judgment cycle? Oh my golly". I love what you're pointing out too. And I was just talking to my mother earlier this morning and my coaches even earlier this morning, it's been a very early day today. And it's how our brains are path wired. It's kind of like walking through a forest. You walk the same path through a forest, that pathway becomes really trodden, really clear. And say we don't walk on that path for a little while, some grass grows over it, some vines grow over it... However a well trodden path will always be slightly visible so we can pretty easily return to that path. And that's the same with our habits. We think, "Oh, oh, I'm going to do a 30 day challenge and I won't eat chocolate for the rest of my life". However, you're 37 years old and you've been addicted to chocolate for 15 of those years. And we expect these things to just whoo, likitysplit disappear on us. And I love how you brought up... it's like these things are a part of us and so we want to grow with the change. I love, I love, using the word pivot rather than change. Because we are perfect, we're perfect just where we are... we'd like to be slightly better for ourselves. However, that doesn't mean we need to become a whole new reinvented woman, right? We can slightly pivot towards something... and put on an outfit that makes us feel good, or maybe choose a glass of water instead of, you know, an extra coffee, or... It's these... coming back to get back onto our own story. And it's this that... you and I were talking about this... that pre-step towards getting out of the judgment zone on ourselves. And I was just talking yesterday to somebody about how, when we get out of the judgment zone of our own story and cultivate awareness, eventually we cultivate confidence. And so we're no longer at effect of life where the story is just happening. We have confidence in... after awareness and acceptance... and then awareness and confidence. Then we start to write pages of our own story.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SAMANTHA: Because at the end of the day life is a choice. We get to choose either being at cause of whatever's happening. Life keeps going, I don't know if anybody noticed. Or choosing... you want to respond and show up.

SAMIA: Yeah, aww, that... I want to keep talking and it's time for wrapping up. But that's a beautiful, beautiful note to wrap up, at least for right now. And I just want to thank you again so much for being here with us today Samantha and giving of yourself so generously and with so much love. And you know, I will look forward to having you come back and join us again.

SAMANTHA: I'm so excited, I love discussing with you and diving in deep on the truth and the gold in life.

SAMIA: Yes, yes! So for sure let's bring you back and continue to dig deeper :)