SAMIA: Hello, Salam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, and Privet! It's so good to be with you again and guess what... We have a returning guest today, it's Alex Colkitt. You remember we had a super, like, fun conversation with Alex last time, and hey, if you didn't check that episode out, please check that out. We were talking about holistic habits of happiness, and yeah... So today we are going to talk about some other more, even more interesting things. So first of all, welcome back, Alex…

ALEX: Yes, thank you so much for having me again, Samia. I love our conversations, and I'm excited to continue where we left off last time.

SAMIA: Yes. And Alex, before we do that, just for the people who might have missed the last episode. Will you give us a quick reminder of who you are and what you do…

ALEX: Yeah, absolutely. So I am a Life and Happiness coach. And I help burnt-out high achievers overcome burnout for good. Find lifework balance by helping them discover what meaningful work looks like in support of their happiest healthiest life... In my past life, I worked in marketing, I was in a nine-to-five corporate job, and I was checking all the boxes, following all the rules... And that left me so burnt out so miserable and asking myself every single day, like what the heck am I doing with my life? And so from that experience, I now have found my purpose and my passion in helping other people figure out what their passion is, and then go pursue it so that they are living a meaningful, purposeful, happy, fulfilled life.

SAMIA: I love that. I love that. And I love that, you know, your happiness coach and that you really value happiness. And, you know what you're talking about like not just as a matter of having studied some theories about how to be happy, but because you actually are practicing how to be happy in your own life every day. It's so amazing…

ALEX; Yeah, thank you. And I love how you said practicing. Because something I say a lot to my clients, to myself is that happiness is a choice... And you get to choose how you show up, where you spend your time, where you spend your energy... And all of that is an investment into your happiness or not, right... Like if you choose to spend your time, in a job, for instance, that you hate, that is soul-sucking just to make some money. That's a choice you are actively making. So you can choose a different path if that's not serving you. And so happiness is your choice. And it's things you can practice every single day. Like we talked about habits of happiness. So go into our other episode, if you're interested in that.

SAMIA: Exactly, exactly... And you know, when it comes to this idea of choosing to be happy, I know, a lot of people like that doesn't feel possible to them... That doesn't, that is not their maybe current reality. And we can learn how to make it so that it is our reality, that we are able to choose happiness. And the reason for that is it's like being happy... So many people don't actually have the right knowledge and the wisdom around how to be happy. And so they're going about it in all kinds of ways that are actually contrary to what it really takes to be happy. But once you get the right knowledge and you, you know, start to put that in practice in your life. It's really not a mystery, and it's really not really hugely complicated thing or you know, like, yeah... it's like once you know, it's like simple and it's just a matter of doing the practice making those choices that support your intention to be happy. So that has been such a huge lesson that I have learned in my life…

ALEX: Yeah, absolutely. And I think where you start with that is just get off of autopilot. I think we live in a hyper just like, go go go, let me check this thing off my list kind of mentality because of the society we are a part of, but actually asking yourself, why I'm doing this thing... And then also asking yourself how you feel after doing whatever that thing is.... that's going to give you clues into what's making you happy, what's not making you happy. And that's also going to give you clues as to how and where you're spending your time and energy. And then when you bring awareness to those things. That's how you can then start to practice happiness and say, Hey, and this is where like, the boundary-setting stuff comes in. Like, hey, that actually doing XYZ thing doesn't actually make me feel good. So I'm going to stop doing that thing. And I'm going to stop doing it. Because I know it doesn't make me feel good even if someone is telling me I should be doing that. Right, this is where like the people-pleasing comes in. So yeah, that's where I think you start... If you're not really sure where to start of practicing happiness, just start tapping into your feelings…

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: ..as you're going through your day. Is this thing that I'm doing bringing me joy? Is it not? If I... do I feel like my time is being well spent? Or is it not? And if it's the latter, change it. That's where you start. That's where you start chipping away and starting adding things into your life that do actually bring you joy.

SAMIA: Oh, my gosh, Alex, you actually just mentioned so many very important points that I want to follow up with you on... Oh, my gosh. But okay, so one thread to follow up with you on... because this was something you mentioned last time. And we didn't have the time to really dig into it. So let's start with that. And we'll come back to the other amazing, brilliant points that you made. So it's this whole people-pleasing thing, because, you know, I agree with you that when we think about happiness being a choice, and why so many people struggle with it. One of the core reasons is because we're on autopilot. And one of the reasons why we are so much on autopilot is because when you go off autopilot, and you try to do things your own way, a lot of times that disturbs the status quote and makes some people are not happy with you, at least seemingly. And, you know, we have, we are social, social creatures at heart. And so we like really value like getting along with our peers and having their approval and admiration and so on, so forth... And so these become like, motivations for us to towed up line, you know, that has been established and sort of keep going on on that autopilot mode. And so you shared with us last time, that you are an ex-people pleaser... And, you know, you talked, you started talking a little bit about last time and this time about boundaries, setting boundaries as a way to sort of, you know, move in that direction of ex-people-pleasing so that you can focus on your happiness... Tell me more about that.

ALEX: Yeah, totally. So I could talk about boundaries for 10 hours... I love talking about boundaries. In theory, they seem really scary to set, right. It feels like by setting a boundary, you're saying no to things. But how I like to explain this to my clients and how I have started to reframe the people-pleasing side of myself, is that you're not saying no to things, you're actually saying yes, you're giving yourself the space to say yes to things that are more in alignment with you and actually bring you happiness, right... Because everything in life is a trade-off. If I'm saying no to this thing that gives me space to say yes to this. If I'm saying yes to this thing... I have to say no to something else, right. For instance, when I lived in New York, I used to go to brunch pretty much every Saturday, even though every Saturday in my heart, I wanted to go to the gym. I was like I know that's gonna make me feel good. And yet I felt this peer pressure from other people around me to go do this social activity because my heart was being pulled in two different directions... I loved hanging out with my friends. I loved spending quality time with people. But it was at the expense of my own goals. And then I would feel very negatively about myself every time I would go to brunch, maybe have a couple mimosas and then I wouldn't want to go work out right... Like I I'm saying yes to brunch, which means I'm saying no to that goal in that moment. And if you think about it in the opposite direction, right. If I were to say no, and set that boundary for myself, because going to the gym and working out, is aligned with my personal goal. I'm saying yes to myself. I'm actually not saying No at all... right. I'm saying Not right now, I don't want to hang out with you right now, there are other opportunities and ways we can hang out, I actually have this other priority, that's going to make me feel much better about myself, about my... how I show up in my relationships with my friends when we do actually hang out. So saying no to this thing is actually a beautiful yes to something else. And so that's one of the ways I start to help my clients understand that boundary setting is actually a very beautiful thing. And it's not to be mean... You're not doing it to say no to people, you're just making more space, and more time for the things that make you feel good, and make you feel happy and bring you joy. So that's how you start to practice happiness to right, boundary setting is a way for you to give yourself the time and space to do the things that are actually going to make you really, really happy.

SAMIA: Yeah, I'm so with you on that. And I think one of the struggles that I know a lot of people experience when they think about going down this path is, there is no resistance that people experience in prioritizing their own happiness, because there's a sense of like, I think, two different things can come up one, it feels like, oh, my happiness is like, it's like some kind of a luxury or something... I mean, it's like not something I can afford to focus on right now. Because if I focus on my happiness, then I won't be able to achieve the financial security I need, I won't be able to, you know, because the work that I would love to do, is not going to make me money. And, you know, if I don't have the social status, for example, because I'm doing what I love, or saying no to hanging out at these, you know, social gatherings, where, you know, the relationships are being built where, you know, I get to then influence people and things like that... And so if I follow my heart, I go to the gym, I'm not investing time in those relationships and stuff... Then I'm losing social influence, or something maybe like, that's might be a fear that I have. And so then I'm like, oh, no, I have to, I have to, I have to focus on that. Because that's the way that eventually I'll get to this place where you know, I'll be sad. And I'll be like, in a good position, where I'll be safe and secure, and whatever... And then, I can do what I truly love and be happy and, and safe and so you know, all of that. And so I think that is like one of the reasonings that many people have. How do you respond to that concern?

ALEX: Yeah... So I totally understand the mindset of security and safety and feeling like we need, I would say money is probably the thing we tie most of our security and safety to. And the way I go about combating that is just, I always ask this question, if you're on your deathbed, 90 years old, looking back on your life with no regrets. How do you define a successful life? 99.9% of answers I get are I have quality relationships with my friends, I have made an impact in this world. The work that I've done has been meaningful. I'm leaving this place in a positive way. So if that is how you're defining success for your life, what are the actions that are following that? If you are so focused on making money. And that is your number one goal. That's not aligning with your definition of success, I would argue you're probably chasing somebody else's idea of success... And when you're chasing somebody else's definition of success and somebody else's dream life, you will never be happy or satisfied. Because even if you achieve it, it's not yours, you didn't choose that for yourself. And most likely, it's been at the expense of relationships, doing meaningful work, doing living your life with purpose, all of the things that you define, or want to define your life by... So again, it's looking at, it's like what's important to you. And I think this idea of safety and security through money is very much so a construct of our society. And safety is an illusion... I mean, look at all of the tech layoffs that are happening right now. 1000s, and 1000s, and 1000s of people are losing their jobs, and being left with nothing. So you... if that's a possibility, do something that you love, money will be a byproduct of that. And a way to also I think about this is, if you look at your life today, you have made it through 100% of the obstacles and challenges you have been faced with. Remind yourself of how resilient you are as a human being, and that no matter what obstacle you are faced with in life, you will overcome it. You're gonna learn something really new or really cool about yourself or you're gonna get the lesson that you needed in that moment. Right…

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: So just... it's thinking about that differently. And allowing yourself to dream a little, because I feel like we don't dream, we get stuck in the this is what I'm supposed to do. These are the boxes I'm supposed to be checking. And we forget that there are other options out there…

SAMIA: Yes... I think that's such a huge key too. Because I wanted, I find that one of the biggest obstacles to choosing happiness for ourselves is thinking that is limited. Because I think oftentimes what happens is that... you know, like, yes, maybe financial security, if you use the example of financial security... That may be a way or means to achieve the things that you want. But it's by no means the only way... And you also have to look at if you have been following that way for some time. And it's not working for you, because your ultimate goal is in the money itself. Your ultimate goal is actually your happiness. And so if you're following this pathway, that you think will lead you to happiness, but it is in fact not leading you to happiness, because you are miserable right now, you're not happy right now, then you know, it's about opening your thinking and looking at, ah, what other ways could I reach my goal of living happiness, as opposed to just sort of limiting yourself to this one option of how to potentially reach there…

ALEX: Exactly. And I think it's also getting really honest with yourself, is being unhappy now, waiting until I get to a certain age where I've achieved this financial success and security, worth the trade-off of me being miserable every single day... Like, is it worth it? And just like being really honest with yourself, and if it is to you, great, then do that... But I would argue it's probably not the answer that most people want to admit to.

SAMIA: Well, there's that, that it may or may not feel worth it, but then also isn't that, isn't also that... Well, I mean, the reality is like, again, when we talk about happiness is a practice, happiness is a choice that we make, right... The other reality about happiness is that it's something you can only experience in the present in the current moment. It's not something you can experience in the future. It's not something you can experience in the past. It's just not possible. You know, I mean, all you have is the current moment. And this is the only time the current moment that you can experience happiness in... And so to have this mindset of, "Okay, I will be miserable now, I'll settle for being miserable now so that I can be happy in the future." But what if that future never comes? For a million different reasons you could be dead... God forbid.

ALEX: Yeah.

SAMIA: So before you reach that point that you thought, you know, you would finally be able to be happy. You know, a million other problems or challenges could come in, in your way that ruin your, you know, like the example of like, okay, you have this plan, I have this job that's going to give me the financial security I need. But what if you lose your job, and then some other obstacle comes up, and then some other obstacle comes up and some other obstacle comes up? And that beautiful future you're dreaming off and hoping for? Just sort of keeps slipping out of your grip... I hope that doesn't happen. But again, it could happen. And so I mean, are you really... I mean, is that then really the wisest approach... Also? ______ worth it or not? Is it even wise to wait for some future point in time to be happy when truly, the fact is that you can only be happy in the now…

ALEX: Yeah, exactly. And when you choose to focus on things that bring you joy in the moment, you're gonna find more fulfillment in your life than just like celebrating the big things to, right. It's the little things that matter. And going back to the people-pleasing thing... There will always be moments of disappointment in life, right. You're... it's inevitable that you will disappoint somebody at some point. So you might as well follow your truth and just not disappoint yourself in any decision that you're making. And in order to do that, it's tape paying attention to the little things in your life that do bring you joy that you do want to spend time with on, where you do want to give your attention to, so that you're not constantly disappointing yourself at the expense of somebody else, right, and you're choosing to spend your time in a way that makes you feel good. And when you're feeling good. Like we talked about last time, there is a ripple effect... You show up better in relationships, you show up better at work, you show up better for other people in whatever service you're doing, right. So it's not selfish, because I know we talked about that, too. It's not selfish, to take care of yourself and set boundaries and do what is going to be best for you because you being the most unapologetic, authentic version of yourself is the greatest gift you could give to the world.

SAMIA: Yes. Oh, you know what, you just reminded me of... Harry Potter.

ALEX: I have a confession. I don't read Harry Potter…

SAMIA: Oh my gosh, it's okay. It's okay... But I will tell you so for those of our listeners who may also not have read Harry Potter or watch their movies... in Book three, there is this... What happens is, there's this character, his name is Hagrid, and he's a giant, he's actually like half-human, and he's half-giant. And in the Harry Potter magical world, during the time of Harry Potter, there is a lot of discrimination against giants. That happens like people think giants are bad and stupid and evil and just very violent and nature this and that... And so because Hagrid knows this, I mean he's lived all his life being told that you know giants are bad this and that. He hides the fact that he's have giant I mean but in book number three, I'm pretty sure it was book three, no, it might... it was book two... It doesn't matter which book it was, what your point is. At some point... It comes out the truth gets revealed that he's have giant and he starts to receive all kinds of hate mail and people are like, Oh my God, you should be ashamed of yourself for putting because he's teaching not teaching. He's working in the school where Harry Potter goes right and so all these hate mail is coming in and people are like you're putting our kids in danger, you should be ashamed of yourself. Go leave right away... Some people are like, drown yourself, kill yourself just terrible, terrible hate mail. But Harry loves Hagrid. Hagrid has like been a pillar of strength and support for Harry from day one. And there are so many other students who love him, the teachers, most of the teachers in the school, love and adore him... But in the face of all of this hate that he's receiving, he gets super depressed. He locks himself up in his little hat that he has, and he's like, I'm going to quit and I'm never going to show my face again. And, you know, he's just... he's in that in that really down place. And at some point, Harry and his friends Hermione and Ron, they're like, enough is enough. We are going to get Hagrid out of the state where we need him, we want him. And so they're rational versus hat. And they're like, we're gonna knock down this door. Get to Hagrid, however, you know, we must... And when they get there, and they're like, in this process of trying to knock down the door, the door opens. And the person that they see there is actually their headmaster, Albus Dumbledore, who also had come to talk to Hagrid about what was going on. And Dumbledore he's like, you see, Hagrid, here is proof of what I've been telling you. That, you know, there's like so many people who love you, and they want you back. And so for these people that love you, please come back. And you must come back, and then have it as by there's so many people who hate me, and they don't want me. And then Dumbledore is like Hagrid, if that's your standard or expectation of that, you know what will... I forget exactly how he phrased it. But basically, he was like, No, there's no possible way you will ever find yourself in a scenario where everyone is happy with you. And he gives his own example, he's like Albus Dumbledore, by the way, is considered as the greatest loving wizard in the wizarding world, He's genuinely very beloved. And he's like, but look, even I don't have a single day when I don't get at least two letters of complaint. And sometimes more people complaining about me and my work and how I do things. So there's no way you're ever going to find a reality that everyone is happy with you and an agreement with what you do and how you do things. There's just impossible so this is it. I'm not listening to you anymore. I refuse to accept your resignation. And you have to come back right now…

ALEX: I love it... And you're so right, like, you can't please everyone... that world does not exist where you can absolutely please everyone, right. And the more you bend yourself to please other people and turn yourself into a contortionist to make sure you're like fitting into whatever role that was projected upon you, the farther away you get from yourself. That's where you lose respect for yourself. That's where your self-worth takes a hit. You have lower self-esteem, and practicing happiness is so much harder, because you don't feel worthy, right... You've, you've watered yourself down so much, to be likable, and to please everybody that you're so far away from who you truly are…

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah... And then do people actually ended up liking you more? Do they actually like you more? I mean, if you are a people pleaser, and you're always doing your best to do what other people want you to do, does that really truly made them like you more or do they just get used to using you to what they want and need, you know…

ALEX: Yeah.

SAMIA: And so Because in relationships of true love, surely, one of the conditions that must exist in a relationship of true love is that both persons in the relationship have the time and the space and the freedom to be free to speak their mind to follow their dreams to speak their truth to be themselves and to be loved, for who they really are... You know, like not, yeah, not be loved conditionally, because if it's conditional love, how shallow is that? And is it even true, really true love if it's conditional…

ALEX: Yeah... And I think what you said about people don't necessarily like, like you more they just like the access they have to you, and it feels very transactional. And that's why it actually might feel really uncomfortable for you to set a boundary because these people have had so much access to you in a way that does not feel good to you and they're just so used to that... And so when you insert a boundary and say, hey that's actually not going to work for me, this is... And you don't even need to explain yourself right you do not need to explain a boundary. It's yours for you only the other per it's a one-way straight, my friend Tori says that... It is a boundaries are a one-way straight, they are not for the other person to agree to or not you said it for yourself and if that person cares about you enough, they'll adapt to that new level of expectation and access that they have to you. And they'll adapt and be supportive of the fact that you don't want to go to brunch, you would rather go work out and make yourself feel good. And then you guys can come to an agreement of when you would rather spend time together later on after that goal is met.

SAMIA: Yes. Yes... Exactly and you know, again, you got me thinking about Harry Potter or maybe I got myself thinking about Harry Potter... And it reminds me of like, the models of friendship that we see in the stories, right, and there are so many relationships that are... Like for example, in the school, among the students one of Harry's arch-enemies is Malfoy... He's a fellow student and actually, they have generational history of conflict like his parents... Harry's parents and Malfoy's parents did not get along Harry and Malfoy don't get along, you know, it goes back through generations and stuff... So Harry has two best friends and Malfoy also has two very faithful followers... Now I and I use that word deliberately to say that he had followers because, yes, these two boys that were always following Malfoy did everything that he told them to, and so in a way like you know they were stuck in this people-pleasing thing relative to Malfoy but by the end of of the series in book Seven the last book, they like turn on each other, and like literally one of them, you know, like dies in this scene... Like really intense scene, where this magical fire is unleashed by one of these followers, and at this point, Malfoy was like, no but don't do, that you mustn't do that... but the dude... but the follower, he's like, I'm not following you anymore... I want Power for myself and he refuses to listen to Malfoy and unleashes the spell that he actually doesn't have the ability to control. And that he you know refused to accept his limitations around and he unleashes this fire, he actually dies in it. The other friend runs to save his own life and Malfoy is left behind to you know save himself if he could and actually what happens then is Harry risks his own life to save Malfoy even though his friends like first of all, I mean, like, you know, abandon him basically. So it was Harry who saved his life and rescued him from that fire otherwise Malfoy would have died too... And so it's like these relationships where you don't have the freedom to be yourself you know it really makes you question, like what's their worth even in your life and how much do they truly serve you…

ALEX: Yeah, absolutely. And that's why people-pleasing gets you nowhere in life. And ultimately you not being yourself or feeling comfortable to be yourself will always cause internal conflict…

SAMIA: Yeah. And you'll get to that point like Malfoy's follower die,d where he was like I've had enough I cannot do this anymore and you'll try to go your own path and in this case, in the story, it took a very tragic turn... So yeah, it's like how long are you going to suppress yourself... You, I think, that was something that I also really appreciated about you Alex and what you shared of your own journey... Is that I think maybe a lot sooner than a lot of other people you made that decision to stop compromising your happiness and do what you needed to do, to focus in on it whereas, people will sometimes go for decades sometimes their entire life, without ever reaching that point where they're like, you know, enough is enough and I'm going to focus on my happiness now…

ALEX: Yeah, yeah. And if I can do anything, it inspires somebody to recognize that they're worthy of feeling happy every single day. And you don't need to follow anyone's path but your own…

SAMIA: Yes, yes... How do you, and maybe you might have spoken to this, but how do you cultivate this feeling of worthiness in yourself... Because there's so many people who struggle with that. They just don't feel worthy, I know, some everyone name names but I have like one of my closest relationships, is you know, with this person who, I mean, there are also a survivor of abuse that they've experienced a lot of mental, emotional abuse in their life... And you know so I can see that you know having an impact on them and their ability to believe their worthiness but, you know, like the thinking that got sort of stuck in their mind, is that, if they're not able to serve... If they're not able to do something that the other person wants, then they don't deserve love. They don't deserve good treatment, you know, and it's just so sad to feel that, you know, that you that you know even if you're sick, you're trying to do something for someone else because if you're not doing something for someone else then you're not deserving of that someone else's love... And you're so desperate for love the, you know, you're like going to these kinds of extremes and just, I just find it so sad... Yeah, so how do you like begin to cultivate this kind of belief that you are worthy…

ALEX: Yeah. So I like to think of it in terms of when you... When a baby is first born, right, you don't look at that baby and say you need to earn my love, right... It's unconditional that be it's the baby's birthright to feel love, to be in a house that is caring with parents that love them, right... And that Birthright does not go away as we get older, it might feel tarnished over time because of our life experiences but that birthright of unconditional love never goes away... So I start there with reminding people of that and then just doing self-love work.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: I think, one of the most powerful tools for me, is if I want to experience love from somebody else I give that love to myself first. I look at myself in the mirror every morning and I hype myself up and I'm like Alex you're amazing. You're doing amazing things. You're doing great work... You are so loved by yourself and that is what matters to me, right. I also have affirmations I write every day and it's giving myself that love that I expect from other people first…

SAMIA: Yeah…

ALEX: And it's again, gratitude or not gratitude... Affirmations is a habit of Happiness too, right. Fear-bear on hype woman as I like to call it.

SAMIA: Yes.

ALEX: Give yourself the love that you desire from others first, and that'll build your overtime build that worthiness back up. And then you're taking that power back, right. You own that power.

SAMIA: Yes.

ALEX: And that's yours…

SAMIA: Yes... Oh, my gosh... I love that you take that approach. There's so much wisdom there because I mean, ultimately, we cannot control how other people think feel and act, but we can control our own actions, and thoughts, and feelings... And so it's, I yes, maybe I want love from somebody else, but focus on loving myself, and I find that, you know, I think when you love yourself, you know, it just creates this energy around you, and within you, that emanates from within you. That is really attractive... And it like draws people to you like, I know for me, even when I was in my earlier life, and I was going through my own trauma and stuff... I realized and I recognized the value of being around people who are happy and peaceful and positive because when I was around them I felt better. When I was around other people who are miserable and unhappy or you know angry things like that it made me feel even worse... So it's like actually, if you want people to love you more of the best ways you can make that happen is by loving yourself more and becoming the kind of people kind of person that people love to love…

ALEX: Yeah... Exactly, and I love that you said when you started paying attention to like, people you didn't make you feel so good. That's where boundaries come in, right, you don't need to continue to hang out with those people. And it also doesn't need to be this big dramatic like friend breakup, right. It could be as simple as you just not really reaching out anymore, taking space from the friendship, right, that's protecting your energy... That's protecting your happiness. And just because you've met someone and have been friends with them for 20 years doesn't mean you need to stay friends with them forever. It also doesn't mean that your friendship needs to be expressed in the same capacity as it always was, like it can evolve and change and move over time, and you not being a people-pleaser and doing what's best for your mental health and for your happiness and giving yourself the space from them if you need it, is okay.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: It's okay to do.

SAMIA: Yes, yes. And sometimes the best you can do for the other person also, is set those healthy boundaries, because if you are in a relationship with someone where that person has a very negative attitude, and it makes it difficult for you to be in a positive attitude... So then you know you end up in this dynamic where you're sort of making each other more miserable because you're reinforcing those habits of unhappiness each other then you know it's like you're not helping yourself, you're not helping your friend, you're not helping your relationship... And so by actually doing something that you set a boundary and you start to do something to at least begin to help yourself because again, you can't control that other person... You actually are creating some opportunity and some space where that person can be like, hey, I my friends moving in this other direction and it and maybe, I want to move in that direction too, maybe not right away but as they see you growing in your happiness maybe that you you'll become a point of inspiration for them. And they'll, you know, then want to model you in that... And sometimes that's the best help you can give somebody is to be a good model to them.

ALEX: Yeah and that's a beautiful gift. Surround yourself with people you want to be like.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: And that inspires you to be the best version of yourself…

SAMIA: Yes, yes... Who was it that said... was it one of the American presidents who said something about like, he didn't want to be the smartest person in the room…

ALEX: I'm not sure, but I've heard that quote before…

SAMIA: Right... There is something like that. I can't remember exactly, of who it was by or even exactly the the words of it but some person that I think was sharing something very wise, was expressing this idea that you don't want to be in a position where you're always the smartest person in the room. You want to surround yourself with people, who were you know in their own ways... Like, I mean, obviously when he's, when this person said that I'm sure, they didn't mean it in a way where they were putting themselves down or devaluing themselves because this was, I'm pretty sure it was one of the American Presidents... So this was a person who's speaking from a place where they're in a position of immense power themselves, and you don't get to that position by being a nobody or being stupid or things like that, right. So I think, when this person made this remark, they weren't saying it from a place of putting themselves down but from a place of recognizing the importance of of valuing other people in your life, who are not going to always agree with you, who will have different opinions, and perspectives, and bring in different strengths then you have and who have wisdom on issues where you are lacking experience... So you have your own zone of Genius but that is never going to be enough because, you know, we are humans... We have limitations and, you know, in our capacity to learn, and know things, and have skills, you know, will always have limitations of in our in our knowledge and wisdom... And because there's just so much going on in life and so much to learn and so forth... So there's nothing wrong with being aware of, okay, this is my zone of genius, and here are some areas of life where I'm not a genius. And so let me surround myself with other people who have genius in these other areas that I don't have genius in…

ALEX: Yeah. Absolutely. As long as it's not at the expense of your mental health…

SAMIA: Yes.

ALEX: ..so it's the people that actually want to grow with you, and laugh with you, while also you learning from them... And it's important respect and relationship.

SAMIA: Yes. Yes, yes... Exactly, I love that. Ah, cool... Okay, okay, so I don't know how long we've been talking, right, now Alex... I totally lost track of time.

ALEX: It's almost an hour, which is normal…

SAMIA: Oh, my God. Is that really true…

ALEX: Yeah... It's five of five, right now.

SAMIA: Okay. All right... So maybe, we should wrap up for today. And maybe we will have to bring you back so that we can keep talking. Do you have any last words or thoughts that you want to share…

ALEX: I said this during our conversation but the greatest gift you can give the world is being unapologetically yourself. And you can't do that if you are constantly pleasing other people…

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: ..so remember to set boundaries that feel good for you, and allow you to be your authentic self.

SAMIA: Ah, thank you so much for that, Alex. And on that really wise and empowering note, I just want to remind all of you who are listening, to please make sure you check the show notes because you will be dropping Alex's links in the show notes so you can connect with her and get some help and support whenever you're ready for it. And until we connect next time, I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy. :)