SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, and Privet! You know, I'm very happy today. And I know you'll be very happy today. In fact, we'll all be extra extra happy today... You know why? Because we have a wonderful, wonderful returning guest. And I was just telling our returning guest, which is Alex Colkitt, that she's the first guest I've had that is coming back for the fourth time... That's amazing. I just love you so much, Alex. So welcome back again and again and again and again…

ALEX: Yes! Thank you for having me again and again and again... I love our conversations. It's amazing to talk to somebody who's also a Happiness Expert because we have so much to talk about. And every time we connect, there's like 40 other things, we want to add context around to help other people. So I think it's a really beautiful... never-ending conversation that we're having here in the context of your podcast. So thank you again, for having me…

SAMIA: Of course, it's my pleasure... And as you said it, you are a fellow Happiness Expert, a Happiness Coach. And as such, you know, I, you know, I think that's really one of the reasons why we find ourselves connecting so much because there's so much in common and how we approach our work. And, you know, it's just so easy to think about what else to talk about, because, you know, it's like, I'm thinking to myself… what would I love to talk about? And viola, there you are, Alex, and you love to talk about it, too…

ALEX: Yeah, I can talk about happiness, living a fulfilled happy life, all day long until I'm blue in the face. So I love being able to connect on that front…

SAMIA: Yes. So you know, for those of you who are listening, in case, you have missed the earlier episodes that we've done with Alex, please go back into our archives and check them out. We have talked about holistic habits of happiness, we have talked about how to not be a people pleaser anymore. We have talked about habits of happiness in the workplace. And actually, you know, as we were wrapping up last time, one of the things that you brought up, Alex, that I thought would be really amazing to talk about today is the idea of the levels of happiness... Can you tell me a little bit more about how you understand that concept, first of all…

ALEX: Yeah, of course, I think I can put it in the context, actually, of my personal story. So as you know, and maybe listeners you don't know yet, but I used to work in a corporate marketing job. And I was extremely, extremely burnt out. So before I became a life coach, before I became a happiness expert, and I kind of dove into my own pursuit of happiness, because I was living this life that was not mine. I was just checking boxes, doing all of the things that I was meant to do… that really set, like I just said, set me off on like this pursuit of what is happiness? Like... What does happiness mean? Because I was taught that graduating from a really good university, going into the workforce, using that degree to get a job, staying on that career path, meeting somebody in your 20s that you're going to marry, like having all the money, all the things… that's going to make you happy. And I looked, I looked back at my life at that time, and I technically achieved all of those things. I had all of those things. But I myself was so miserable. I was so sad. I was depressed, I was anxious. I was so burnt out from work. I was settling for somebody that didn't actually make me happy. But I thought I needed to be with somebody because of my age. And I was living in a city, where if you, from the outside looking in I had this dream life because I'm living in New York, I have access to the city. I can go do all these cool things in New York, right. I could, I could get the external validation, right… but the internal validation for the life I wanted was missing. Like, I was the most miserable version of myself the worst, the saddest, lowest, most alone I've ever felt in my life. And I was like, "What does it mean to be happy in my own life?" Because, like I said, I checked the boxes, I thought those things were going to bring me happiness. And in fact, they actually made me the worst version of myself. So I set off on this pursuit of happiness, if you will, and tried to really figure out, what does being happy mean... Like, what does... What does happiness truly mean in my life, in the context of my priorities, in the context of work, in the context of relationships… like, what is happiness? So that really got me on the path of exploring positive psychology and the science of well-being. And now what I very clearly understand was missing from my life was all three levels of happiness. So Dr. Martin Seligman, he's the leading psychologist in positive psychology. And he developed a theory around having three levels of happiness, right. And I like to think of it as a pyramid if you're looking at it because every level adds to the one before it. So in order for you to start feeling happy, you have to focus on yourself. And that's like baseline level of happiness, which is just… you're using your time in a way that makes you feel good… like, there's meaning behind how you're spending your days, you're taking care of yourself, you're nurturing your interests, you are doing things that excite you. And you're not just doing things to check a box. Right, so that's level one. Level two is activating your strengths. I consider your strengths, your superpowers in life. There are 24 total... I don't know, there's a couple theories about how many total strengths there are, but roughly 24, let's call it… and we all possess every one of those strengths to a certain extent, but we all have five that are our top five strengths. And so when we are activating our top five strengths, we are fulfilling level two of happiness. And what's really interesting is that your natural interests in things actually indicate where your strengths are… we're naturally attracted to things that we're good at. But our society tells us, focus on your weaknesses, make your weaknesses better. And so we get a little lost in the shuffle here. And it's hard for a lot of people to unlock level two of happiness, because we're so focused on our weaknesses. And then, finally, level three of happiness... We're like, read, this is like the pinnacle of happiness, right. You've, you're taking care of yourself, you love who you are, you're feeding your interests, you're activating your strengths every day. And then the third level of happiness is finding meaning and purpose. And so using your strengths to make an impact, to give back to other people, to make a positive change in the world… something that actually drives so much meaning for you, and makes every action you're taking purposeful. Because again, I think we get stuck in just doing things because we have to, doing things because we're checking boxes, and the motivation behind a lot of our actions are meaningless. And that's where a lot of conflict comes into play... So longest answer ever to your question. But that is how I look at the three levels of happiness and how they all build upon one another. And when you reach that pinnacle, that top, that third level, that's where long-term enduring happiness comes from.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: And that is what I strive to do for myself. That's what I strive to help my clients do…

SAMIA: Yes, yes... Okay, great. Thank you actually so much for laying out that framework as that were of the different levels of happiness. Oh, there's so much juicy stuff we can dig into just in the context of what you've been sharing right now. So I guess maybe we can take a little bit of time and dig a little bit deeper into each level at a time.

ALEX: Yeah.

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SAMIA: So I feel like the first level you talked about, you know, we take care of ourselves. We have covered that a little bit in our previous episodes, for example, talking about the habits of happiness and so forth... One thing that I was thinking about in that context was, you know, I follow also, you know, sort of similar structure as you do and in the context of the self-care level of happiness, it's just amazing how there's so much actually goes into it also. It's like not just one thing... For example, one of the sub-levels, or I guess, levels contained within this... one of the things contained within this level, you know, is the idea of developing positive mood skills, like how to be happy, right, in a way that is actually reflected in a positive mood. So when I think of a positive mood, I'm thinking about being in a mood, where I'm smiling, I'm laughing, I'm actually feeling, like, joyful and wanting to sing and dance, you know, because I'm feeling so joyful. You know, I think that is what a lot of times people think about when they think about happiness is that positive mood state. And that's not all there is to being happy or taking care of yourself in the context of being happy, right. Like, for example, I think also about something like developing resiliency skills... So like when something bad happens, even if you have excellent positive mood skills, but something bad happens, it can take a different skill set to help yourself bounce back from that kind of trauma… or if you have experienced a trauma, or you've, you know, just had any significant something happened in your life that has brought you out of your positive mood state, you know what I mean... There's like so much that goes into even just taking care of yourself. Is that… Like, what's your perspective on that? How do you... How do you teach and talk about that?

ALEX: Yeah, and so I think, a positive mood state, obviously, very much so happiness. However, I think it's really important to differentiate between that and toxic positivity, and recognizing that life is gonna throw you curveballs all the time. And it's not just sitting there being like, everything's great. And the whole room around you is burning down to the ground, right. Like, that's not, that's not productive... Because that wouldn't be honoring the fact that we're human beings and have a full range of emotions. But I think it's recognizing in the less desirable moments, having…  you mentioned stress resilience… I think that's really important. It's recognizing that you have gotten through 100% of the obstacles that you have been faced with in your life. And approaching those moments with a problem solver mindset. So you're not like, everything's fine, everything's great. We're gonna be okay. It's like, no, it's like, recognize.. "Okay, this is a really shitty situation. How can we approach it in the way that is going to be most productive and most helpful for us right now?" So it's recognizing that... and that's where stress resilience comes in. Right. It's like, okay, this isn't great. However, I'm approaching it in the sense of like, what do I have control over right now? Right... So when we focus our attention on things we have control over… like our attitude, like our reactions to things, how we show up for things… that's where we'll minimize stress and maximize happiness… Versus getting thrown these curveballs and focusing on things you can't control. And then all of a sudden, you're spiraling and making the situation 1000 times worse. And that's where your stress is going to spike like crazy. And your happiness is going to decrease like crazy.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: ...So it's really about, I think, from like that positive mood state but also having a problem-solver mindset. I think the two go hand in hand because recognizing not every situation is going to be great. You're not going to be in Lala land and have joy all the time. Right…

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: So that's my perspective on that.

SAMIA: I love it. Thank you for bringing out this idea of toxic positivity because I think that so many people struggle with how to be happy because they get stuck with positive tox... Positive... Toxic positivity…

ALEX: ..toxic positivity.

SAMIA: In terms of like, it's such a, it's such a... I mean, I want to, I want to say myth, but maybe that's not the right word in this context, but maybe it is. But in terms of like, misunderstanding about, how to be happy, and what it takes to be happy, you know… Makes me think about when I used to be training with my happiness coach and mentor. She, you know, taught us different exercises for how to build resiliency, you know, for those times when, you know, life brings you down, or you feel down, for whatever reason. And she said, the first step in bouncing back actually is acceptance of what is... Like, if you don't accept what is, including the reality of, I feel terrible right now, or I feel really sad, or you know, however it is that you're feeling… like acceptance of that, and acceptance of whatever other facts you can figure out in that situation, that you need to start with acceptance. And then you can build on that. And like you said, with a problem-solving mindset, you can be like, "Okay, what can I do?" And then you start to implement what you can do. And that actually helps to start move you towards a solution, and into a state where you can build up your positive mood again…

ALEX: Yeah, and I think one tool that I teach my clients… and one of my clients actually taught me this. So I like this, I really liked this reframe. And now I use it to teach others. So we constantly are asking ourselves, okay, in bad, weird situations, like "Okay, what can we be grateful for?" Right. It's like, is something I can focus my attention on that is good, right. But I think the right frame here, you can ask yourself, "How can I be grateful for this situation?" Right… good, bad, ugly in between all of that thing. And that is going to help you start to build more of that problem-solver mindset. So if you don't feel like you have that skill set at this moment, instead of saying, “what am I grateful for?”... to kind of redirect your attention, say, "How can I be grateful for this?"

Because I think life is always either giving you what you want, or giving you the lesson you need. I think that is a way for you to take any situation you're in and really try to understand, what can I be grateful for in this moment... How is this something… like, what is this moment teaching me? How can I be grateful for something that's happening right now? And again, that's going to start to shift the perspective away from the negative and into the positive. And get you into more of that positive mindset and state…

SAMIA: Yes, yes. Oh, my gosh, this is such a awesome example and lesson to learn. Because, you know, I think that… wow, especially when we're talking about resiliency, that is so, so key, because, you know, you can be feeling greatful or able to identify what you're grateful for, hopefully, in a general context, and still find yourself feeling miserable in the specific context of whatever has brought you down in the moment. And so to actually not only think about what you have to be grateful for generally… maybe that's a good starting point for somebody who may be struggling with their feelings and struggling to figure out well, what do I have to be grateful for? Well, yeah, I mean, just find anything if you're struggling… just find anything you have to be grateful for. And then sort of, you know, work your way into, then also thinking about what do I have to be grateful for… Or how can I be grateful in this situation, about this situation… Becasue ultimately, you will have to accept the situation and face the situation. So I love that…

ALEX: Yeah. And I think a really, really simple example of this. So say your driving somewhere, you're on your way to work wherever you're going, and you hit traffic. Right, and you're like, "I'm going to be late for my first meeting". You can let... you have no control over the traffic, you have no control over being late at this point. So, in that moment, you can ask yourself, "Okay, how can I be grateful for this?" And you're in… you could look at it and say, "Great, I get 20 extra minutes to listen to a podcast that I really like." I get 20 extra minutes this morning of alone time to sink into… like spend with myself. And that's a really positive thing, right. Instead of being, like, so frustrated by the fact that you can't drive and get there on time, right?

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: And then just like put it in the context of, like, what is worst case scenario here? Like you miss 10 minutes of the meeting, you can email somebody. Is it mission-critical to get so worked up over something you have no control over? And I think that's where little baby mindset shifts in moments like that, that'll help start to flex that muscle and build the resilience and build the positive mindset. So when larger, more… I would… don't want to say catastrophic… but more unpleasant things happening, larger scale things that are more frustrating, won't probably bother you as much. And that'll keep you more into in level one happiness of like, "Okay, I've got this. We’re good. I can make this work”, even in not such a favorable situation.

SAMIA: Yes, I mean, that's a great point that, you know, we all have triggers. What frustrates me may not frustrate you. But there is something that frustrates you, you know. And I will have my own list, you will have your own list. And really… I love the idea of you know, building up our muscle… our happiness, or our resilience, whatever you want to call it... But that it is a practice, and you get better and better at it the more you practice it. And so you get bothered by fewer things, you get stressed by fewer things. And when you do get stressed by something, you're able to recover from it faster and more effectively. I love that... I really enjoy that so much. Like, actually, that's one of the things that I think about, what… how can I be grateful in this situation is like, oh my gosh, this is another opportunity for me to build my muscles… my happiness muscles, and my resilience muscles. Because my gosh, the more you built it, it's like so much fun…

ALEX: Yeah, just like you have to go into the gym and pick up the dumbbells and do your presses and your curls and all of those things. The stress resilience is the same type of deal... The more you flex that muscle, the stronger it's gonna get…

SAMIA: Yes, yes. I mean, you know, some of my most amazing heroes… I think what makes them so heroic seeming in their actions and in their personality, is that they have just actually built up to such a high level, this kind of happiness and resilience muscle. So I'm thinking about, you know, amazing models that we have, whether, you know, like… my first thought oftentimes goes to the prophets, you know, like Jesus, like Muhammad and etc. But even if you think about like, in the context of real life people that we know, you know, if you think about oh my gosh, just yesterday, I was watching an interview of Malala and, you know, my gosh, she... One of the things that I love about her so much is that, you know, she has so much positive energy and outlook and she does so much amazing work after having been through so much tragedy and trauma in her life. And she sort of like used all of that to become like a force of good you know. And it's like, well, how did she do that? How does she keep doing that? You know, and I think a lot of it has to do with… she has developed a really strong resiliency muscle...(I think you froze. Oh, wait or not. Wait, can you hear me? Okay. Okay,we're here. You froze for a second, but we're good.Okay. Okay. )SAMIA: Yeah. So, yeah, I think it's just that, you know, people like Malala have just built really strong resiliency muscles.

ALEX: Yeah.

SAMIA: Cool... Okay. Okay. So is there anything more than you want to say about level one of happiness? Or should we now talk about level two of happiness?

ALEX: Yeah. So I will say, so thinking about like level one, it's all about like gratification and using your time wisely. And so I think a big piece of that is getting into a state of flow, where you are activating things that you are truly passionate about. I think that really matters. And I think obviously when I was working in my corporate position, I spent 40-plus hours of my week, five out of seven days of my life, every single week, doing something I did not care about... And so I think that's where a lot of conflict and unhappiness came in my life, because I was doing things I didn't care about. So outside of Holistic Health, taking care of yourself physically, mentally, I also think it's activating an interest in things… like, focusing on things, even if it's a hobby, even if it's like running, if it's art, if it's film, if it's tinkering with stuff, anything of that nature, putting yourself in positions where you can activate your flow state, and actually just totally get lost in the passion of what you're doing... that's where level one happiness is like really, really strongly activated. So besides positive mindset, besides stress, resilience, all that stuff is obviously very important… But it's another big piece of that is pursuing passions and things that you're interested in for fun…

SAMIA: Right, right. And that actually also, because all the levels of happiness, as you had said, that build upon each other, so of course, are connected, and they support each other. And I can totally start to see from what you're saying how level one is connected to level two. So tell me more about level two…

ALEX: Yeah, so level two is all about embodying your strengths. And like I mentioned, there are roughly 24 strengths that we all possess. And they all… we all possess different amounts of those strengths. And so at the top you will have your five strongest strengths. And when you are activating those, and like I said, you are naturally interested in things where your strengths are being activated… you just need to pay a little bit more attention to them. Because I think, like I mentioned, we all really are told to focus on your weaknesses, right. In interviews for jobs people will ask, well, what are your weaknesses, right? And you have to like, come up with this weird answer to make it sound positive that you've got weaknesses, right. But it's what we really should be focusing on is our strengths... And so I'll give you an example. Because also, we could have the exact same top five strengths, but we can activate them totally differently. So for instance, my number one strength in life is communication. And it's very interesting because I worked in marketing, which is all about communication, right. But the way I was activating that strength was not in line with how I fully wanted to use that strength. So in my position I did a lot of copywriting. And so that's like communicating the brand message, communicating to our customers via writing... But what I've learned is that I actually enjoy… what my strength, what my superpower is, is my voice... my speaking communication, the way I present presentations, the way I connect with people through communication, right. And so I've had a lot of I felt a lot of friction in that career because I wasn't activating that strength correctly. I was like, interested, right. I was like kind of on the right track. And I kind of was interested in that kind of stuff. But it was activated incorrectly... And so now as a coach, as somebody who actively communicates with people, who is actively sharing my story on podcasts, on Instagram reels and videos, right, it's like, that is where my superpower shines. And I love it, right... I love doing it. I love being on podcasts, I love sharing my story... I love talking to people. And so that's the intersection of, like, what you love doing, what this strength is, and how that is best activated... And so I encourage everybody to take a strength test and figure out… there's so many on the internet you can take. I really liked the Gallup strengths finders test, it's what I use with my clients. And that'll tell you what your top five strengths are, and then you, it gives you a really long description of what the strength is... And then you just go through and highlight the pieces that resonate with you. And that's most likely how that strength is activated for you. And so when you go out into the world and you're activating your strengths, whether it be in the workplace, whether it be like chatting with someone, like, in a volunteer situation, whether that be in a hobby situation… if you're activating those strengths, you're six times more likely to say that you have found your calling, and like you're pursuing your like life's purpose, which is wild to me, and I genuinely feel that way about being a coach…

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: …and additionally, like being a coach and an entrepreneur activates all five of my top strengths... So it's just like, I'm getting so much gratification and satisfaction of… because I'm… I'm using the skills and the tools that I naturally have inside of me.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: Right.

SAMIA: And just like honing them and getting better at them, and then that's where excellence comes into play, right... So it's a really finding out what your strengths are, and figuring out how to activate them to work best for you. That's where like… you will find a lot of satisfaction in your life and a lot of happiness.

SAMIA: Yes. And the two cents I’ll throw in there, just to build on what you've been talking about, Alex, is that in positive psychology, when we talk about strengths, by and large, a lot of the focus of the research has actually been on character strengths, you know… So we're talking about aspects of your character... So for sure, everyone has character, and therefore you have character strengths. Because I remember in the days when I used to really struggle with my happiness, I was like, I'm not good at anything. And I would struggle to even think of something that I was good at, you know. But this approach to thinking about strengths from a character perspective, I think, really helped me because when we think about character strengths, you know, you have things like kindness…

ALEX: Yeah.

SAMIA: …Patience, you know, courage… like all kinds of different character strengths. And, actually, I think probably, you know, now I can't remember the different... all the different strengths either, like, off the top of my head, but in any case, the point is, if you're alive, you’re living, you have a character and you have character strengths, for sure... for sure. And I think that was like one of the really cool things about taking a character strengths test is that, you know, it just like, you can't fail it. There's no way you're gonna take a character strengths test and come out with you have no strengths…

ALEX: No, it's impossible... And I think what's interesting too, is you can look back on your life and say, look at certain situations and say, "What was I really good at in that situation?" Right, you can find context clues if you really dig for them.

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: Like when I was figuring out… in the context of me figuring out my career, I looked at all of the past jobs that I had, and I was like, what are the parts of those jobs that I really liked? What are the parts that I didn't like and why? And I think one of the first clues and helping me figure out I wanted to be a coach was when I was in college, I was a tour guide on campus. And I would give college tours to prospective students. And I loved that job... And I was like, "Why did I love that job?" And then once I took my strengths test, I was like, it makes sense... I… my top three strengths were activated within that job. So I've been communicating with new students, I'm connecting with them. My top, my second top strength is it's called "WOO", which means Winning Others Over. So relationship building... So I'm building relationships with these people, they're trusting me to take them around campus and show them everything. And then my third top strength, it's called "Maximizer", which basically means, like, I can look at a situation and a person, and see the potential in them and help them figure out their potential and take steps, right... So I'm looking at these students, and I'm like, tell me what you're interested in. And they tell me what they're interested in. And I'm like, great, I would recommend this club, I'd recommend that thing over here, you have to meet this professor, you know. So it's like me putting pieces together for people. So it was like, all three of my top strengths were like ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, like going crazy... I'm like, no wonder why I loved that job. I didn't know it at the time, right. I was just like, oh, being a tour guide seems fun, right... And so there's that context clue. I was naturally drawn to that type of role. And then now looking back on it, in hindsight, I was like, "Oh, it makes so much sense because my strengths were activated". So really get in touch with what you like, get in touch with yourself, get in touch what you're drawn to naturally... Odds are, it's a push from one of your strengths…

SAMIA: Yes. Yes. Oh... And, you know, talking about strengths, I think, I have now come to sort of, really... I mean, this idea of focusing on our strengths has just become such a natural thing for me, such a natural approach to life, that I forget how enticing I found the idea of turning my weaknesses into strengths… or the idea of focusing on my weaknesses. And it's not something… like... Okay, so for example, I… one of the most life-changing classes that I took in college was actually a self-defense course. And it was really, really helpful in very many ways. And in the self-defense course, they kept talking about this idea of turn your weaknesses into your strengths. And so I really sort of, you know, got on to that in my mind. And I was like, "Yeah, this is an amazing thing, you take your weakness, and you turn it into your strength, and then you don't have a weakness anymore." And that, you know, that gave me this, this idea that, "Oh, this is the path to gaining more control and achieving more power in my life", you know. And so I actually took that idea very seriously. And I was like, "Okay, how can I begin to apply this in my life?" And so I actually went on a quest to identify weaknesses that I had and work to turn them into strengths. And it's just... to certain extent, you know, I found success in that quest, because, you know, there's definitely like, lots of things that I was able to improve on… for example, just in the context of even the self-defense class, you know, like, I had no idea… I had never hit anyone at all, ever, I don't think… like, especially in a fighting, physical fighting, kind of a context... And so certainly, I learned all kinds of skills and I got better at things like punching and kicking and being able to defend myself against if someone was trying to punch or kick me, etcetera... But the problem that I realized later with this approach is that it creates so much stress in our life, you know. It's not fun and easy to be on this quest to turn your weaknesses into strengths... It's just… it's not fun and easy, and creates a lot of stress, a lot of stress…

ALEX: Yeah, because imagine all of the energy you're putting into getting better at something you're not good at could be spent getting really good at the things you are really freaking good at. And then that's when those become superpowers, right... Instead of just being, like, mediocre at a bunch of different things, you can get to be the expert, and really, really good at a few things, and use that to influence every decision and interaction and experience that you have…

SAMIA: Yes. Makes me actually think about super hero movies where there's multiple superheroes… Because, you know, like, you see, I think one of the things that I really appreciate about these movies is that you get to see, like, different approaches to solving a problem, you know… You're like, "Oh, oh..." So it's like each hero, like when they're, you know, being their most effective, is utilizing their unique superpowers. So it's like, okay, right now, I'm thinking about the Incredibles, as a specific example of a superhero movie. And so, you know, like, for example... and I'm blanking on the names of the superheroes, but you know, like, the dad, you know, who had…

ALEX: Yeah.

SAMIA: …super strength, right, versus the mom, who could stretch and who had that plastic, plastic…

ALEX: ..Elasta Girl…

SAMIA: ..Elasta Girl, yes, there we go... Versus, you know, the daughter who could go invisible and build up shields, versus the son who had super speed… And so like, when, even in one situation that they were all facing, they each used their strengths to deal with that situation. Like Elasta Girl didn't try to do super-strength stuff, or didn't try to become invisible as her of dealing with whatever the situation was. She was like, "I'm Elasta Girl, I use my power to be elastic to deal with this situation", you know. And there's like this whole scene, if you remember, in the first movie, where you know, there is a secret headquarters of the villain. And in the first... first of all, the dad, who was a super strength superhero, he infiltrates into the headquarter, and he does it in a certain way. And then the Elasta Girl, the mom has to infiltrate, like, later on in the movie… like, actually, because the dad is stuck, and he's in trouble, and so she's going, and she's going to rescue him. And now Elasta Girl has to infiltrate the same place, but she does it in a completely different way than how the dad did it, you know. And she used her elastic strength... So, I mean, that was just like, so cool, you know, to see, like, how, in one situation, you can have different ways of dealing with it. And the best way to deal with it for you is to be like, "Okay, what are my strengths? And how can I use my strengths to deal with this?"

ALEX: Yeah, exactly... And it just brings so much, so much… so many different perspectives to the table, right. There it is. And it proves that there isn't one correct way to solve a problem, right... But if you lean into your strengths and what you're naturally good at, and use those talents to help you, you're going to be much better off and you're going to feel much more fulfilled and happy, than if you try to be good at a bunch of weaknesses… versus just being really freaking great at your five strengths…

SAMIA: Yes, because we have like so many weaknesses, too. I mean, that's the other thing with focusing on weaknesses is that, if you start to focus on your weaknesses, my God, you just keep… keep coming up with more and more and more and more things that you are bad at…

ALEX: Yeah. And I think, focusing on your strengths, right, that's level two of happiness… that is what's actually going to unlock level three is when you use your strengths to find some level of meaning or purpose, right... I think levels two and three really go hand in hand. Because one question I asked my clients, when we start working together, always… I have them, I have them defined like they're on their deathbed, it's 50 years from now, they're looking back on their life with no regrets… like, what does a successful life look like to you? Every single one of them says something with, I want to make an impact, I want to have a positive effect on the people around me, I want there to be meaning in my life. So we are all naturally drawn to wanting to help others and have meaning in our lives. So for you to activate the third level of happiness, and really break that… break into that zone… use your strengths to positively impact others, that is going to give you the strongest meaning and purpose in life. And that's where long-term enduring happiness is going to be activated. And again, I can give you that in the context of my own personal experienc off now… I'm literally using all five of my top strengths as an entrepreneur, as a coach... And I am now using my skills and my strengths to positively impact the lives of others, right. So I'm using my strengths to find that meaning and purpose in my own life, and make a positive effect, have a positive effect, make a positive impact on other people... And so because of that I… again, happiness is a work in progress every day... But I feel like I've unlocked that third level of happiness. Because the work that I'm doing matters… there's meaning behind every single action I'm taking every day. I'm giving... I'm using what I'm good at, to give back to others. And that meaning is absolutely priceless... And that's what's gonna make you feel really happy and really fulfilled, and get to the end of your life and say, "Wow, I lived a really good life".

SAMIA: Yeah…

ALEX: Right... And there's this beautiful quote of like, "People aren't going to remember what you did for them, they're going to remember how you made them feel". And so my goal in life, how I define success is, how many people am I positively impacting every single day with my strengths?

SAMIA: Yes, oh…

ALEX: And that's what I work towards…

SAMIA: I love that. Yeah... And, you know, I think this is, like, touching upon, again, one of those other big myths out there that I think really trip people up, you know… that there's this, I think it in maybe partly also a cultural thing. Like here in America and in other cultures that are more individualistic and industrial, or, like, caught up in this modern industrial sort of setup of things... Because, you know, like, in a lot of the, for example, Asian cultures, where I'm… like me and my family, originally… we are from India and Pakistan, the Indian subcontinent… and our cultures, at least traditionally, you know, have a more collectivistic mindset as opposed to an individualistic mindset. And one of the things about, like, that distinguishes individualistic versus collectivistic cultures is, you know, like, the... you know, like, here, for example, in America, we are taught to think about ourselves. Like, "What do I like? What's my identity? What are my preferences? What will make me individually, personally happy?” …and to do those things, you know... So whether it's in the context of what I mean to study, or what job am I going to take or, you know, pretty much any decision in my life... And… versus in collectivistic cultures, it's all about the group... Usually it's about the family, but you can also have, like, other groups in terms of your community or your nation. And it's all about, well, what does my family need and want, and what will create more harmony and happiness and peace for my family. And, you know, this is reflected in even things, like… for example, after we came to America, and we, you know, started mixing more with Americans in America and having conversations… so like, this is a dynamic I was really tickled to see in my family, where my mom is… actually, probably my mom and my sister are the two people in my family who are the most social. Myself, my brother and my dad, we... I mean, especially like, when we first came to America, this was like 22-23 years ago, we were all socially challenged people. Like, certainly me, I was pretty socially challenged. And so anyway, it's like my mom loves to talk. She'll be sitting, like, on a plane and be like one of those people who’ll, like, make best friends by the time she's off the plane with the person that she was sitting next to. And it was really interesting to see that, you know, like, in America, people ask you… so tell me more about you... what do you do? What do you like? …And my mom always answers in the context of, "Well, I'm a mom, and I'm a daughter, and I do this for my family. And I do that for my family..." And she hardly ever has anything to say about herself as an individual. And I didn't think this was anything strange at all until after I started going to college, and started to learn this, you know, like, where I was constantly being told… no… think about you Samia, what do you like, what do you want? What classes do you want to take? you know… And so I learned this new mindset. And then when I came back home, and I saw my mom acting the way that we always acted, you know, then that contrast really hit me... you know… But what's the point? Why am I telling this story... The… wait a minute, give me a moment... I lost the point I wanted to make initially, there is a cultural difference. But we're…

ALEX: ..we we're talking about that. Like collected… the collective versus more individualistic…

SAMIA: Yes. But there's a reason I brought, oh my gosh, we're talking about, oh, sustainable happiness... Doing something meaningful, helping other people, by helping other people. Yeah... So this is what it's talking about. So it's like in American culture, I noticed that there's so much emphasis... And I'm not, by the way, saying everything's perfect. In our Indian Pakistani culture, we have our own problems... But I think one thing that happens in America is that because there's this sort of individualistic orientation, and we go too far with that, I think sometimes… You know, like, for example, when we're thinking about, what work am I going to do, you know, you're trained, and you're taught to think only from the perspective of how you can best serve yourself. Whereas, you know, like, you're sharing, Alex, one of the core aspects of how we get to build this third level of happiness in our life is actually to be doing something that helps us to help other people…

ALEX: Yeah.

SAMIA: And we don’t realize how much of a core human need that is…

ALEX: Yeah. Yeah. And I think you're so right. Being an American is extremely individualistic, and we only care about ourselves. We only care about what we need for… or to be, you know, it's we... I think, very less given the opportunity to think about how you can help other people. And I know I talk a lot about this in the context of work, but you can also find meaning through motherhood, right? Like that gives you purpose, right. You are in service of other people, right... Volunteering in your free time… you are in service of whatever organization, you're helping. Just using your time, time well spent, activating your strengths, giving back to others…

SAMIA: Yeah.

ALEX: It's really that simple…

SAMIA: Yeah. Yeah…

ALEX: Is it easy to do all the time? No... However, all three levels of happiness are quite simple…

SAMIA: Yes, yes, they are simple. They are simple... They don't always feel easy because oftentimes, they're going contrary to, you know, the dominant cultural teachings and dominant cultural frames. And they're going against the myths that are so, you know, so much... I mean, wow... I mean, there's so… like, the myths, like, people really believe in these happiness myths, you know. And so they're like, working so hard to try and be happy following these mythical ways. But really, I mean, that's really… So to create a shift, and do something different from what society's teaching you and so forth, I mean, that can feel hard, because it can feel like you're going against the current in some ways. You can hit the challenge of people thinking you're doing something crazy, and things like that... And so it's like, until you learn how to sort of take control of your own happiness, and, you know, by activating all these levels of happiness in your own life, and so forth, it can feel hard. But it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be… If you connect with Alex, if you connect with me, we can help ease the way... And so it will not only be simple...

ALEX: Yeah.

SAMIA: …It'll also become more easy and fun to do…

ALEX: Yes, 100%...

SAMIA: Oh, man... Alex, you just made me think about so many more things we still need to talk about. And, of course, we are out of time again…

ALEX: Always…

SAMIA: Do you have any last thoughts or words you'd like to share for right now?

ALEX: Yeah, I think when it comes to happiness, if you're feeling unhappy in your current situation right now, it just takes one decision. One choice... One, one moment of saying, I don't want to feel like this anymore, and you can absolutely make a change... And activating… if activating all three levels of happiness feels like a lot, start with the baseline... Start with five minutes of gratitude, right. That's where we started this conversation… that little bit of time for yourself will add up eventually. So one step at a time. And all it takes is one choice. I believe happiness is a choice. And it just takes one choice, one decision, to change what you don't like and take a step towards something that you do and is going to make you happy…

SAMIA: I love that. I love that... And I won't add anything to that because we have to wrap up. Except I will just remind all of you who are listening… please check the show notes. Because we will be dropping Alex's links in there so you can connect with her and reach out to her for help and support, and me to, if and whenever you feel that you want to create more fun and ease in your process of becoming more happy, living more happy. So until we connect next time... I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy... :)