SAMIA:  Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, and Privet! It's really, really good to be with you again... And I know you'll be really happy you've joined us today because we have a very special guest... And it's Sharon Fillmore. Sharon is an Author, Registered Nurse, Registered Holistic Nutritionist, and Master Verbal Aikido. Oh, that is so cool. Welcome Sharon…

SHARON: Thank you for welcoming me. It's been... it's wonderful to be here, thank you so much. And I am excited to tell you all about what I do. I know that... like… I've been a nurse like you said for about 40 years, well, it's been more than 40 years now. Longer than you've been alive, how's that?

SAMIA: No, that's not true I'm about to turn 41…

SHARON: Oh, okay well, excuse me then. 

SAMIA: No worries, no worries... I take it as a compliment.

SHARON: Yeah, I thought you were like maybe 25 or 30. So... so one of the things is we talked… you talked about the Verbal Aikido Master, and I'll just tell you why this happened… my background in nursing is mostly emergency room, ICU... So, it's places where it's very high stress, and then your patients come in and their families are very high stress. So I really learned a lot about communicating, working through the emergency room. And then when I got older and I realized that... what happened was, I was really good at interviewing people. I realized that communicating wasn't as good as I really thought. So I decided I was going to set up to be a great communicator… and so that's the reason why I took the Verbal Aikido and became a master and a trainer. I also have an NLP coach, I'm a peer coach, and I... mastering as many forms of communication as I can, so that I could help all the people that I help… So it's… we do, I do a lot of one-on-one coaching, I do group coaching, and I do specific Verbal Aikido or basically verbal communication.

SAMIA: That is really cool.

SHARON: And that's what I want to talk about today.

SAMIA: Yes, me too…

SHARON: Good. Now, Verbal Communication is actually more complex than writing. I know people think… why... Well, because when we're communicating we use our hands, we use our face, our tone, we use our body language, and also we use something called vibration. So, we all sort of vibrate this energy out from us... And so if your energy is low, vibrations are low... If your energy is high, your vibrations are high. And people are more receptive to the higher vibrations. So there's all kinds of things that go into it… and your body, your tone of voice, what’s on your mind… all these things need to be congruent with what you're saying or people won't believe you. So like... have you ever talked to two people… The first person you spoke to, you didn't believe what they said… the second person said almost the same thing, but you believed them?

SAMIA: Yeah, yeah… it happens all the time.

SHARON: Yeah, it happens all the time. And that's because the first person, they... weren't congruent... So what they were saying didn't match their body language. So basically, they didn't believe what they were saying, so you didn't either. Whereas the second person really believed what they were saying, so everything matched everything, was congruent, and that's why you believe them... So when you're talking to people and you're starting to see that it's one of the things that you can see… your body can't lie... your mouth can, but nothing else can. So it's about watching the person's body language… their facial tones, all their tones… all the little things that go with it, and being aware of the energy they really radiate away from themselves.

SAMIA: That is a very interesting point about the body. I know like, definitely that's... I know, like, with me, that has always been so true… like I have a really difficult time...Like for example, even like, smiling… when I'm not actually happy… or it's like if I'm feeling stress or strain in a relationship, I have a difficult time even smiling when I am engaging with that person... And/but, like an interesting thing happens… like, I remember when I was going through training to become a crisis counselor…. Actually, I had already gone through the training to become a crisis counselor… and then I was actually invited to start training new recruits to become crisis counselors. And so when we were going through those trainings where I was a trainer... One of the techniques that we utilized for our training was doing role plays. So I as the trainer, would basically take on the role of somebody who's calling the crisis line, and then the trainee would respond to me... And my job was to make the role play as convincing as possible so that the trainee had the opportunity to respond to as close to something in real life as possible in the context of, you know, refining their skills. And I was surprised to find that when I had that intention of being in that state of the role play... I actually managed to be very convincing… and like, when I was wanting to act distressed, or, you know, things like that... And like, I didn't think that was possible for me because, as I mentioned, like, generally in my actual communications with people I find it so difficult to be anything but really authentic to how I'm feeling in my expressions... And so I was actually surprised that, like, I kept getting feedback from my trainees, that they thought I was a really good actor and they found me really convincing... So I'm wondering, like, because you were saying our bodies can't lie, but you know there are these kinds of situations where we managed to act in a way that we're not feeling, really... What's going on there, and then what does that say about the idea that our bodies can't lie?

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SHARON: So when you're acting, you are actually playing the role of being someone else... Now I'd like to ask you… when you were calling on yourself to act, where did you pull the knowledge and the feelings from…

SAMIA: Well, it was a lot of it was my experience of having been on the crisis line… because by the time I was invited to be a trainer I had fielded maybe like hundreds of calls on the crisis line myself. And then also some of it was memory of when I went through the training myself, and I remembered how my trainers sort of role played…

SHARON: And at the time, did you realize it to yourself that this wasn't real? That this was pretend?

SAMIA: I think so... I mean like.... I mean, like I never forgot who I was and I was conscious that I was role-playing…

SHARON: So were you lying?

SAMIA: I mean there was definitely pretending to be someone else…

SHARON: So pretending to be someone else, when everyone knows that you're role-playing, is that lying?

SAMIA: ..well, I guess not technically... Yeah.

SHARON: Everyone knows that it's pretend. So it's not lying... If you had have gone into and called the crisis line for real and pretended that might have been very different. So what you were doing at that when you went into what we call teacher mode… and in teacher mode, you were using all the skills that you have to show, to help teach the students. And so you weren't lying... It's really about knowing yourself, right. Your inner workings were saying… I am playing a role, I'm acting… and so... and everyone knows I'm acting.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: I'm not trying to fool anyone... Does that make sense for you now?

SAMIA: Yeah. I see what you're saying. I see what you're saying…

SHARON: I see you weren't really... So the mind is also about understanding how our communication… about understanding how the mind works. And we're humans, and how …a bit of understanding on humans, right. Because we're all... We're all different.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: …and yet we have so many similarities.

SAMIA: Yes.

SHARON: Now, I'd like to explain to you, that how communication is different in different modes. Okay, like an example is… if somebody looked into your mind, right now, they go, oh man, that is a rushing river. It is moving so fast… because there's so many thoughts and ideas floating in there, and that it is it's moving really fast. And I can... I'll bet you, anybody, you can't keep up with it sometimes... So if you think about it that way… Now, when you're talking to someone in person, think of it like a fire hose… like you're, you are talking, there's communication, like, there's interaction going back and forth…

SAMIA: ..yeah…

SHARON: …you've seen... You see their whole body, you see everything that's happening. So that's like a rushing river… or I should say, sort of like a fire hose. Just… it's about looking at the person, and knowing them, and knowing whether or not you can just, you know, spout it all or you have to control it... Now, what we're doing right now, we're on video… and because you can hear my voice, you can hear the tones, you can see my facial expressions, and with me you can see my hands moving because I move them a lot...It's really like what we call a garden hose. So we go from... go from fire hose to a garden hose… because we can only see so much... So do you see how the information is slowing down and becoming less?

SAMIA: Yes.

SHARON: So when you take that and you turn it into audio, so you're talking on the phone or you're just listening to something, like a podcast... but it's really like a straw... A drinking straw. So because when… when we can't see, we can only hear, then we're listening for tone, we're listening for the nuances in a person's voice that help tell us what's going on…

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: So let's go to texting... So what do you think texting is like?

SAMIA: Oh, my gosh, something even narrower than a straw…

SHARON: So what do you think that might be?

SAMIA: Oh, my gosh... you know, a toothpick… but that doesn't have a hole…

SHARON: Okay, well, I'm a nurse, so I said syringe…

SAMIA: Ah... good one. I was trying to think of a word that… okay, that's a good one…

SHARON: So have you ever gotten a text from somebody and went… I have no idea what that they're talking about... Or have you ever sent a text and went back and looked at it and go… no wonder they didn't answer me back. I don't know what it says either... Especially if you dictate it.

SAMIA: Yes... I mean there is… there's when you don't understand… and there's so much also of when you misunderstand, I find with texting… because like, people will say something and like, I can't be sure... Like, are they saying it playfully, are they saying it seriously, are they like… oh, my gosh... Like, and I mean, I know, I've experienced some serious misunderstandings, in terms of, like, texting somebody about something, like, asking them to help me with something and they send me a response... And I'm like, oh, this person is not interested in helping me with this, right now. And then, you know, just sort of… I'm, like, okay, move on... But then, somehow or other, or at some other point, we get to actually talk. And then, I realized... Oh, actually, they were interested. And I just didn't, you know, catch that tone and so forth through the text, and in that moment, you know... And everyone has like, such different styles also… like when they're texting, some people are just being... are very short and concise, and sort of, like, you know, they don't use emojis and things when they're texting... And so it's, like, really difficult to read their feelings from that.

SHARON: And that's the thing about emojis. They do help you communicate... I'm wondering if that's why they came up with them. At first, I thought, it was just some fun thing to do on your phone… and then I realized, no, it helps people understand what you're trying to say.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: Well, it's pretty handy. Now that we talked about this, can you think of some ideas on how to make people understand you better? So let's say, that it's a video. How can you make people under… help people to understand you and to be able to get your point across?

SAMIA: Well, on video... I mean you certainly wanna still make eye contact… you… it helps to show more like of your body if possible than just a little bobbing head... And like definitely, making sure you have good quality audio because, you know, if people can't hear you right, I mean, lots of communication lost there…

SHARON: The results is about good audio. About me being sure you're using your facial expressions.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: It's really, about make... using all the things that you have of yourself. My hands come up, so you know, that I'm animated, I'm talking, so you can see some of my body language. My, you know, I smile… like, I mean I wear glasses so sometimes you can't see my eyes… but for… I can see your eyes. So I can see them shine, you know. When I say something and you laugh, your whole face laughs... It shines, it's lovely. So we can see that this helps people to… helps you communicate, you know, outwardly... And you know, we... I love Zoom and video. I have… that's how I talk to my clients. That's how I talk to my friends. I mean we… I have friends all over the world now and so sometimes we get together and we have Zoom brunches when for some people it's their lunch or dinner… but, you know... And we kind of... then… so I wouldn't ever want to lose it. So it has so many values. Now when you are on the phone, or even to some extent texting… it's about painting a picture with words, right. So when we use words, and we paint a picture... So like an example… if you're on the phone and you're arranging to meet someone just say… oh I would love to go to that new restaurant, whatever name it is, because I hear that they have the best chicken you've ever tasted, you know, it is supposed to be mouth-watering good. And it comes with all kinds of these really crazy and great sides... You want to come with me now?

SAMIA: Yeah, I'm curious…

SHARON: I don't know if you're vegetarian or not, I just thought... No it's just, it's one of those things. My son's a vegan, so I would have to use something different, like a vegan restaurant because he would... Actually, I know exactly which one I would take him to, it's Chinese vegan, it's amazing... So it's really about painting that picture. So that somebody gets an idea. And you can do it in texting, depending on the person on the other end. Because if there's someone that wants just facts, then they're not going to read it. So then it comes into knowing the person... Some people like… just sort of give you some example... And this is stereotypical, so I want everyone out there to remember stereotypes don't meet everyone's expectations. So when you are talking to, just say a man... men, they usually… you have their focus, their complete attention, for 10 to 15 minutes at a time. Women love to tell stories… that takes longer than 10 or 15 minutes. So if you want to get a man's attention, you don't tell the story. You say something like… I had this great thing happen… no, no I don't want to use that one, sorry... You would say something like… I had a terrible day at work. I want to tell you about it… And what's going to go through his mind is one of two things... Yes, I want to hear it, or no I don't, but she needs me to hear it. So then… so what it is, you've already told him it was a bad day so now you can tell the story about a bad day. So it's the same thing when men are talking to women… they need to understand that women like the story. So instead they would say… can I tell you about my day? And that way they can start at the beginning… oh what happened all day... And women like that generally… unless of course you're trying to cook dinner and look after kids at the same time, then that's another story... However, does it make sense to you? Knowing men and knowing women?

SAMIA: Right, right. Yes, yes... and again just to remind our audience… remember to take the person for who they are… because not every man or every woman would fit the stereotype…

SHARON: Exactly. That's why I said not everyone's going to fill those stereotypes... It's just… it is a good way to kind of gauge, all right… so you can, now that you have that knowledge, you can listen to people and watch them, and watch their body language, and you can see… okay, this man likes you to get to the point. This woman likes you to get to the point… this one doesn't… likes to hear the whole story... And it's really interesting to be able to identify that. And then when you're communicating, you know where to start.

SAMIA: Right, right... Actually, this reminds me of when… I was at that point… oh my gosh... in my early 20's already… but in some ways, I was just sort of getting to that point in my life where I was like trying to develop my social skills… because in my teens and younger years, I was like too traumatized. And I had isolated myself and basically forgotten how to connect with people, especially other people my age. And so, when I was in my 20s and I started... by that point in time, I was in college... that's when I was like, okay, okay… I was like feeling better enough that I started feeling this need and wanting to connect with other people. And I remember, like, one time, I was sitting with one of my cousin sisters. And she's significantly younger than me… like maybe, like, eight-nine years younger. And she's a talker… and she just loves to talk about all kinds of random things that kids like to talk about. And a lot of it, like, I was like not... if like I'm being honest, I was not really interested in… but I remember thinking in my brain… this is important to her, so I'm going to listen because it's important to her.

SHARON: Exactly.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: And that person was probably very grateful that you did.

SAMIA: Yeah. Well, I mean, it did help us build a good relationship where… now, you know, actually she's... even though she is significantly younger than me, she's actually one of my best friends. And it's like I think what really helped me in building that relationship… like, with a lot of other people, I continued to struggle… but with her, as long as I was willing to listen, she was like so open, and she just came to me, and you know, she sort of led the way in terms of like… because I wasn't sure about what to do and how to develop the relationship or maintain it. And so she sort of actually led the way for us and all I had to do was be willing to listen and follow along... And so it made it so much easier for me also.. and I was... I've always been so grateful for that.

SHARON: So you're a good listener. And she… you developed trust in a relationship with her because she knew that you were a safe and trusting person to talk to. And that's really how a relationship is built, right. Now, let's talk about the mind... It is fascinating… and if anybody ever studied it, they would go wow... especially, the parts of the mind that we don't understand a lot of. So let's... We have basically, two memory centers… one is our… what we call our conscious mind and the other one is our unconscious or sometimes subconscious mind. And they work very differently. Your conscious mind will take in about 2,000 bits of information every second and it processes it based on your beliefs, your experiences, and your values. So it's got judgment in there... Now your unconscious mind, it takes in about 400 billion bits of information and there is absolutely no judgment. There's no judgment at all on that. So there's positives and negatives… like an example, with your conscious mind... Three people can see the same thing and everyone will have a different opinion or will believe they saw something different. And that's the reason why when there's something happens, police want to talk to as many people as they can because maybe they can piece together the story because everyone's interpretation is different, because everyone's values and beliefs and experiences are different…

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: Now the unconscious mind, is like… it's positive. It doesn't take in anything negative. So you have this 10-year-old boy… I know because I had one at one time. He's not 10 anymore... And so he's off to school and you say, don't... and you say to him… don't forget to bring your jacket home… because it's, you know, that's… my 10-year-old always forgot his jacket. And then whenever I said that to him, he would show up without his jacket. And there's a very good reason why… because when you tell him that in the morning, it's his unconscious mind that's going to tell him after school to remember his jacket. The thing is, if you say “don't forget”, the unconscious mind doesn't recognize “don't”. So the unconscious mind says “forget your jacket”... So you can use that in a positive way... You can say, “don't clean your room”, “don't do your homework”... The unconscious mind is going to go, “clean your room”, “do your homework”. Now if you want that child... well, we won't call him Scott, okay… But if you ask that child to remember to bring their jacket home, the chances of them remembering it are… bringing it home are much greater, because the unconscious mind recognizes the word “remember" as a positive word. And it doesn't send it away.

SAMIA: That's good to know…

SHARON: It’s one of those things where, if you have these tools as a parent, it will make your life a lot easier. And it'll help you to understand that your language really determines what is carried out later on... The conscious mind might remember “don't forget your jacket”, but by the time it's… you're coming home… it's your unconscious mind that's reminding you…

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: Kind of a way of, you know… if parents have these tools, they know that, okay, I can't get angry because his mind said, you know… didn't remember that it was a negative.

SAMIA: Right.

SHARON: So for me to remember... for me to get them to remember, it's saying it in a positive…

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SAMIA: Yes, yes, yeah... I really like that. Because to have this kind of understanding actually is helpful in the sense that then, instead of like blaming, and judging, and feeling bad about… oh this person didn't listen to me, etc... You can have more empathy and compassion, because you're like, oh, there's something I can do to improve my communication, which improves their receptivity… and there is just this... I don't know what's the proper word here… that the fact that they forgot to bring their jacket, like, it's not because of, like, a willful act of disobedience, or you know, trying to be annoying to me or something like that… but really, you know, it's that there was a lack... not a lack… but there was something missing in the effectiveness of our communication. And that's something we can learn to improve.

SHARON: Exactly… and so when we're thinking about things like that, is remembering... is remembering that, okay, if this person needs to remember it in five minutes, their conscious mind is going to remember the negative. If you are going to want them to remember it in an hour, it's the unconscious mind and everything is positive... It doesn't accept anything negative, there's no judgment.

SAMIA: That is actually nice…

SHARON: Yeah. And when children are born, they only... they have… only have the unconscious mind. They don't… that conscious mind doesn't start forming until they're a little bit older, right, and it forms more slowly. So they're like a sponge and everything is positive, to them... So whether or not it's a tragedy to someone that has a conscious mind or… it's going to be positive to a child who's just developing. Well, it's about... so when you're thinking about those things, and your children are developing, it's putting in all those positive things because they will always see them as positive. And keeping the things that your conscious mind is going to think are negative away, because you don't want them to become positive.

SAMIA: Okay, okay…

SHARON: I know it's a bit complicated.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: ..but it is sort of a... It's a way of understanding and helping your family grow, right.

SAMIA: Yes. I hear you. Like, in some ways, communication is so complex and so multi-layered but, you know, that is just part of the reality of our lives… and really, if you, you know, take on the happiness attitude, happiness promoting attitude… behind… or… on the other side of every problem, is an opportunity... this is actually, a great opportunity for learning and growth.

SHARON: It is. It is, Samia. And when we have understanding then we can learn and grow much more quickly.

SAMIA: Yes, indeed. So can you share with me some practical tips or exercises that people can, sort of, practice to help them in their communication?

SHARON: Okay, so for meaningful communication to take place, we have to be present. That means, that we're there, we're in the moment... And well, that's something that we're... It's almost like we have to relearn in our society because we have so many distractions... I mean constant distractions. So I have two exercises that I like to do, and they're kind of fun. So the first one is… you sit with a partner, and you sit with your knees together... So that you're facing each other…

SAMIA: Ah... Okay, so you're facing each... So your knees are touching, like…

SHARON: Yeah. Like that. Exactly! And you're facing one another, and you're looking at each other in the face. Now you can't talk to one another... And you start out with one or two minutes… it’s particularly with… depending on the person's attention span… and you just look at each other's face. You just see everything you can see in their face. And then when it's... when each of you have done this, then you tell each other what you've seen... And it's quite amazing that people will see things… like, they will notice colors in your eyes that you didn't notice. They'll notice how your face moves… there's... And this is going back to when I was married… My husband at the time, when he was under a lot of stress, I noticed his face wasn't symmetrical... His forehead wouldn't be quite symmetrical… But then we would go on holidays, and he would have a good time…and he would de-stress... It was like his face was symmetrical. And I would think like, wow, this is like wild. It is one of those things that you will start to notice after a while.

When you first start doing this, there's a lot of giggling and laughing. And then when you get over that part and you can work up to five or ten minutes… it's a simple, easy exercise and it's fun to do for the whole family because it not only teaches you to be present, it will help teach your children as well… or teenagers… whatever…

SAMIA: It is really interesting. This reminds me of a somewhat different exercise that I was practicing. Actually, I was working with a coach, who was coaching me… and it was like a group coaching situation going on... And at some point our coach basically… the direction that he gave was… okay, I want everyone to get up and you're going to partner with people. And then… so he had us standing, we weren't sitting... And I think, maybe, it might have been partly because most of us didn't know each other, except, you know, like we had showed up to get coached in this situation. So we weren't touching each other at all... So he had us stand and he was like… okay, for two minutes, you're gonna just look into each other's eyes... And then, at the end of two minutes we took turns to say whatever, you know, came to our heart or mind in terms of what we saw... And he said, you know, it doesn't have to even be full sentences, it can just be words of description that, you know, that you are experiencing, like, about this person... And when I did this exercise, I was, like, really surprised. I didn't know if it would work… never done something like that before. But actually, we did this like several times with like different people... And I was like so surprised to find that I actually got different words coming out of my mouth at the end of the two minutes of looking into their eyes, for each person. It wasn't like… I didn't see the same thing in each person. I didn't feel the same thing in each person. And it was like, I felt like I had learned something real about that person... Like, I knew something real about them and that what I was saying… like, it just felt like there was truth to that. Like, I wasn't making it up…

SHARON: No, you weren't…

SAMIA: It was just such a profound experience.

SHARON: It is profound. And for you to have gotten that… all of that information… you would have had to have been present. So you took that exercise really seriously, and you were really present in that moment. And so that's the reason why you got the words, you got the feelings… you got all of that because that was radiating from the person and you picked it up.

SAMIA: Yeah, it was just amazing... Because it was like, we were completely silent. We were not talking.

SHARON: Exactly… and this next exercise, you've already done. Oh, what did you do is you actually, ask questions... So you find someone and you start out for 10 minutes, if you're somebody that's a bit shy or introverted, and you work up to an hour... And all you do is you ask a question, and then they answer. And you ask a question based on what their answer is... Now you can't give them your opinion even if they ask you... It's all about them, it's not about you at all. So you ask a question based on what they've said… And what ends up happening is you get to know that person better than very often their own family because… and you make friends… because you get... they will tell you things that… you want them to... that they want you… want you to know… but they will tell you things that they've never told anyone... And it's because you hear them. And when you're having this conversation, the only thing that you can do, as far as input is… say they stop talking and you can tell that they are remembering things... if you say… and so… it bring them back and they'll start talking again… And I don't know about you, but every once in a while, I kind of forget where I am, you know. And if you repeat the last sentence or the last important word, then that will bring them back and they will get back into the conversation. And they'll start telling you things.

SAMIA: Yeah.

SHARON: If for some reason they go off and you ask them a question, and they are talking about the same thing for 10 minutes, you might want to say, I hear you. And that lets them know that you're still there, and they aren't just talking to the air.

So those are some really good things to talk about or to remember. However, it's… try it... Talk to someone and don't say anything about yourself… you're... or any opinions… you're just... You have to be present in listening. You learn so much about a person… and then when you learn about them then, you can really help them and make a difference in their lives. Because as human beings, that's what we do. We help one another, right.

SAMIA: Yes. Oh, I love that... That was so, so helpful, and so amazing. And I'm so, sorry because, ah, we're running out of time for today…

SHARON: I know, we are running out…

SAMIA: …We need to wrap up. But again, thank you so much, Sharon. That was really, really wonderful, and helpful. Do you have any last words for right now…

SHARON: The last words would be… when you're asking, I don't know... Last words would be… you know, pay attention to people. Listen to them. Treat everyone with dignity, with respect… and remember that trust is easily earned… it is hard-earned and easily lost... Now, so if you want to keep your trust… or keep… or regain it, remember to say what you do and do what you say.

SAMIA: Oh, my gosh... I will probably need to bring you back Sharon because you just ended with words that are like… no... I want to dig deeper…

SHARON: I will be happy to come back…

SHARON: Thank you so much. Thank you so much for that... And so for my last words, I will just remind all of you listening, to please make sure you check the show notes because we will be adding Sharon's links in there, so you can connect with her and learn even more from her. And until we connect next time, I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy... :)