SAMIA: Hello, Salaam, Shalom, Namaste, Sat Sri Akal, Aloha, Holah, Ciao, Bonjour, Buna, and Privet! It's so good to be with you again. And you know what, we have a very special guest today that I know you will really enjoy hearing from. And it's Suzy Tamasy, who is an Empowerment Coach, Author, Publisher, Business Consultant, Speaker, and Cognitive Behavior Therapist. That is so amazing... Welcome, Suzy... 

SUZY: Thank you so much for having me on your show, Samia.

SAMIA: Yes. 

SUZY: ..looking forward to empowering the audience…

SAMIA: Yes. Indeed, indeed... And actually, on that note, Suzy, will you tell us more about who you are and what you do…

SUZY: Sure. I am Suzy Tamasy... I am author of a book called "Empowered In Heels". I'm also a designer and a clothing line owner. And I am an Empowerment Coach… which I love empowering women. My basis is to empower women to the next level of life. I'm also an editor of a magazine called Biz and Bash, and I'm going to show you that here since I can... We're on our 56 issue. So please follow us on Instagram and Facebook. And I'm a cognitive behavior therapist in which I helped women stop the cycle of abuse. And we also do counseling for children, so that they don't trickle through that cycle of abuse.

SAMIA: That is so amazing... And my gosh, you do such a diversity of things. Would you tell us a little bit more about how you got to this point where you are… and all these different parts of your life, how they have weaved together for you... I'm so interested.

SUZY:  Sure. Actually, I was empowering myself as a child. I grew up in an abusive family. Well, not abusive… my father was an alcoholic. And he would become abusive... So he was like a Jackal and Hyde. So when he didn't drink, he was a sweet soul. But when he drinked, it was like in reverse. And my mother was a very empowered woman that she would put up with it. So she would cover up all his errors when he drank... And we grew up with that roller coaster of life, like, you know, one week good, one week bad... We don't know what's going to happen trickle through or what's going to happen whatsoever. So when I was a child, I used to say to myself, "I'm not going to put up with what my mother did". Guess what? I got married, and I got married to an abusive husband... So this is why “Empowered In Heels”, if you pick up this book, my story's in there. It's the first one. It's called my jewelry box. Because our family looked normal, no one would know... But it was like a jewelry box that was closed up. And I used to say as a child that I would never fall into an abusive relationship. And I wouldn't have my children go through that. Guess what? You already grew up with that susceptibility to seeing it and allowing it as a child, that you see your mother, you either can become a victim or an abuser. I became a victim. I was my mother... So I was covering up things my husband did. That was not normal. But I was being my mom, which I said I would never be. So for me, hypnotherapy helps me a lot in finding myself... And finding how I can break that pattern and give myself the true ownership of empowering myself and seeing what is right and what's wrong... And not only that, I did it for my kids. I didn't want my kids to follow the same cycle I did. And when they get married, they either become a victim or an abuser. And I have two boys... So the last thing as a mother you would want your son is to become an abuser. 

SAMIA: Yeah. 

SUZY: So that was my eye-opener... I've been divorced now… this year... I was separated 10 years and I finally am divorced, he finally gave me the divorce to say, okay, you know what, that's it. But he was a very controlling man… he would control me with my kids. He would control me in everything… my friendship… I was isolated, I didn't have any friends, I could not speak to anyone. He use my kids against me as to if I left him he would take them away… financial disclosure to… like, he would take finances and take my passwords away. So I truly understand what women go through. And this is why I did my book. My Magazine is all about empowering women. We use women that are natural, like, no Photoshops on it… the only Photoshop that you would see is probably maybe a promo or a flower or something like that. But we do not alter body types… we have glammed-up photoshoots, in which we glam the ladies up... We make them, you know, we put makeup on them, we give them our attire, and they get to be part of the magazine... So this is why empowerment for me is a very keen focal point of my life. Even with my kids, I tell them that women are to be treated equally. There shouldn't be a different level… we are all equal… we all work… we all have so many multitude of hats. And if we can do it together, we can get faster to coming as a true relationship as a family, right. So this is a nutshell of myself... I am so happy to have helped so many women out there. And even our book has co-authors that have shared their true stories of different things… like we have cyberbullying, we have racial differences, we have entrepreneurship, we have miscarriage covered under there… because women need to support each other and be that pillar. When I was going through my situation, I was like my mom… we thought it was a jeweler box, everything was normal... I would go to work, I worked in corporate, and no one knew what I was going through... I would go with my boots to work because I couldn't get a pair of shoes to wear to work and not tell anyone why I was going in my rubber boots... So these are the things I want you as a woman to empower yourself, to find yourself… that you can get out of that abuse, that you are so worthy too much more than staying in a relationship that is not 100%... you cannot change a person. So either they go through therapy to help themselves, and change… and it can be done… it can be done if they really want to change, they can. And that's something we were talking about before. You can assist and guide someone, but you cannot change them. And as a woman, we are grown up to try to change and nurture and do as much as we can… but we cannot change them. The only person that can probably change them is God. And we're not God. So remember that... So please, if you can get some knowledge today at this podcast… is to empower yourself, please pick up our book, that could be a big step for you, that will empower yourself. Because I do have tips. I have a knowledge of myself. And honestly, if I had this book when I was going through with what I was going through, it probably would have made my life so much easier than going through the steps... It will save you steps in how to prepare for when you have to leave a relationship.

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SAMIA: Thank you so much for sharing that Suzy, I really appreciate it. You know because you're so right. I think one of the biggest reasons why abuse is able to continue, especially in the context of our intimate relationships, is because we don't talk about it. And we don't talk about it… It's like when you're going through the abuse yourself... there's all kinds of, you know, things going on where you feel like you can't talk about it…

SUZY:  Actually, you feel powerless. You feel like you... I would blame myself… Oh my goodness, I fell into the same pattern as my mom… And I felt powerless... I felt like I didn't accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. I didn't accomplish my dream or I didn't accomplish bettering my life. 

SAMIA: Yes. 

SUZY: But you really need to focus to find yourself before you can do that. 

SAMIA: Yes. And the thing is that all the blame and shame and judgment that we put on ourselves, it's actually... it's like, it wasn't even your fault that you got stuck in this abusive relationship in the sense that… I firmly believe that there is no excuse and never an invitation to abuse... And no one wants to be abused. No one says, please abuse me... No, never. And in fact, you know, when we look at the dynamics of abuse and how it happens… one of the biggest, I think, clues to that is that the person who is engaging in the hurtful behavior towards you will never take true responsibility for their behavior. And they always, like, put it back on you. So…

Suzy: ..it's like gaslighting. 

SAMIA: Yes, it's like gaslighting. And there's like other terms…

SUZY: ..they are narcissists…

SAMIA: ..people.. 

SUZY: ..there are other attributes to it, in which they blame you... They make you feel guilty… because he used to say, and my father used to say that to me, when I was a kid… oh, it's your fault I drink. And I believed that as a kid. I thought I triggered him to drink… I must have done something wrong for him to drink. And I'm here like… Okay, I'm not going to do this so he doesn't drink. But at the end of the day, it's him... He wanted to drink. So you have to blame someone else. And unfortunately, it's a child, any child, and then you put that in your mind, and you think you're the cause to why he drank... but it's him, right. It's him... It's the same thing as abuse. Like, it's his anger that pushed him to do what he did. It wasn't you… because everyone will have anger. Like, we all have anger in us. It's how we control our anger and use that against it… we can go for a walk, or we can do other things that you're not going to push that level to abuse, right... You know, no one should be hitting anyone, right. 

SAMIA: And it's not even just about hitting… I mean, I think when you get to that point where, you know, you're actually getting hit… it's for some people, that's when they realize, oh, my gosh, I'm getting abused... But the fact is that usually, you know, that's not the way it starts with abusive relationships. And that's why it's so easy for people to get stuck in abusive relationships. Because, you know, there's this idea, in researchon relationships that turn abusive, where we talk about the cycle of violence, and it's like, it grows worse over time… it starts with little things… and usually it'll start... When it starts, it's like mental, emotional… and it's over, you know, small things. And you think, oh, you know, this is just normal conflict. And/but with the cycle of violence, what happens is that it gets more severe over time, it happens more frequently over time. And so by the time it gets severe, so severe that now you're being physically abused as well, you're in it pretty deep, or you can be in it pretty deep. And the deeper you are stuck in it, the longer you've been stuck in it, the more difficult it can become to actually get out of it. And so if you can recognize the signs of unhealthy, abusive behavior early on, and take action to empower yourself in the situation, and to help yourself heal, encourage your partner to heal if they're at all inclined to change themselves.... I mean, it's... I mean, that's really the…

SUZY: I think, therapy is the key. Because even if you do try to encourage them, and if you do forgive… like, what happens is a tendency of being in abusive relationship is that they will say, sorry, it will never happen again. And you think it's not going to happen again. If you allow it, it gets worse. So then that's where you see other trigger points as to other things happening. So once you get to that stage and say... Okay, we need therapy, we need to go to get some therapy as to how to support our anger or how we can ventilate in different ways, even if we take some time out before we start yelling... And… and it's our kids that see it. So it's… we're projecting that to our kids. So remember that… it's really key importance to try to keep a relationship happy, in animical conversation, so that they are not triggered, and that they will not do what you're doing or showing that pattern. Yeah... I agree. 

SAMIA: Yeah, I mean, the tricky thing about, I think, being in an abusive relationship also is that, again, because the abuser refuses to take responsibility for their actions… I mean, anything can trigger them. It may not even have anything to do with you at all. But they will take it out on you, and then blame you. So like, you were saying, Suzy, you know, it's like, it could be, oh, I got angry, because you made me angry because you didn't do this thing that I told you to do, or that you were supposed to do. And that's why I got angry, but I'm so sorry... and it will never happen again. So on the one hand, you know, you hear that sorry. But on the other hand, if you listen to that language, they haven't actually taken responsibility. They've put it on you. And so, you know, it's like, okay, so then you are living in this constant fear of… oh, my gosh… and it does... again, doesn't happen in a day… it happens over a period of time where, you know, you're, you know, there's more and more things that are starting to trigger them. And, you know, then you are living in this constant fear of, oh, my gosh, when's the next time they're gonna get triggered by something or the other… And what can I do to make sure they don't get triggered? But it's really, it hasn’t… It's not about you, it's all about them... And you just reminded me of, like, in a different context, I was actually working with somebody. So it was a work relationship, it wasn't an intimate partner relationship. But in my work relationship, I started to notice signs that my coworker… and they were actually in a superior position to me, they were my boss, in a sense. And so I started to notice, like, unhealthy behavior… and some, like, it wasn't... You know, at first, like, we were saying, it was very mild, and it was like, okay, nothing to get hung up on… brush it under the rug… move on... But then it started to like turn into a pattern of behavior. And I was like, Oh, my gosh... it's turning into a pattern of behavior. And so what I did was I said to them… okay, you know, what? I'm noticing this behavior, that behavior… it is unacceptable to me. And really, you know, I cannot continue working with this kind of unhealthy relationship in the workplace. And so, the person, when I first brought it out, they were like, oh, let's just talk about it, talk through it. And so we actually sat down, to talk through things. But in that, in that meeting that we had to talk through things... I noticed that this other person, they took all the time they wanted to say whatever they wanted to say, and I listened and validated. And, you know, I did my best to be present in a compassionate role and all of that kind of stuff. And then when it was my turn to speak, I kept getting shut up, you know... And it was like, either they would, you know, change the subject, or start talking themselves again, or like, literally, say to me… no, no, no, just stop talking... I don't feel comfortable with this, you know… and so it's like, I didn't get to say what I needed to say. And because there is this power differential in our relationship I realized that as long as it was just me and this person talking, we wouldn't… I would never get to have my say. And so then my next step was, I was like, Okay, this is not going to get solved just between the two of us. So let's bring in a mediator and I requested mediation... And, again, what happened is that at first, the person was like, Oh, yes, this is a great idea, let’s do mediation… but every time we were actually going to have… you know, be like, okay, set up an appointment, we actually identified a mediator, and then when we were going to meet, some excuse what come up… and this person would try to cancel or reschedule. And so I allowed that to happen like two or three times. And then I was like, okay, this person is clearly not ready and willing to actually engage in the mediation process... And so then I was like, Okay, this is it. I'm not going any further, because I can, you know, see the signs. 

SUZY: Yeah, I think that was a great way of dealing with that… because you grew up with the susceptibility, right. And women are no not to talk, or be passive and go with the flow and keep the peace. But you do need to vocalize, use your voice. And if you see something's wrong… like you had that treatment, and you noticed it was a pattern, you wanted to stop it, and then that person's noticing, okay, she's noticing, she's picking up on I’m doing wrong… that person needs to get some training or some extra help, right, and shouldn't be in that higher leadership... But I'm glad you did that. And that's what it is… we have to take ownership and take ourselves to the next level of life and giving your voice to any situations. Because even if you grew up with a traumatic… you will be getting that pattern again. And as a woman, we need to take that empowerment of ourselves to say… no, that's not right, you shouldn't be treating me this way. Let's work together and see how you can make things better, so that we can work together as we're equal… you may be at a higher level… and/but he you should have more training to not be there in that way… but we should be treated equally. 

SAMIA: Right. I agree with you. And, you know, Suzy, like another thing that you brought up that I would love to highlight for our listeners is… when you were talking about how everything looked normal on the outside… both when you experienced the abuse in your family growing up, and also when it happened in your relationship… And/because so many times people have these misconceptions or stereotypes in their mind that, oh, if a woman is getting abused, she must be a certain kind of woman… like maybe she's not very well educated, maybe she's not, you know, from a wealthy background... she must be poor… you know, like… and these kinds of other stereotypes. But the fact is that this can happen to anyone…

SUZY: It can. I'm a professional. I went through university. I never thought I would be able to fall into this. But it's something that you just pick up from when you're a child, or even being a woman. Because we are known to be prim and proper, we are known not to speak up, we are known to take the back side… we want to give, give, give… but where do we put ourselves first… and we lose ourselves... And then if you have a person that takes advantage of that, of course they are going to put you at the back of the crowd, they're not going to think you're worthy of anything. That's why you have to take your power back and put your worthiness in you, and say… No, this is not how I want to be treated. If you want to associate with me, then you're going to have to speak to me in a different way. And we need to work on this. Either we go both to therapy… communication is key. And I think a lot of people, if they're in abusive relationship, they don't talk about it. 

SAMIA: Yeah. 

SUZY: And they say sorry, sorry, sorry. And they forget, and they close that book, and they think it's not going to happen. Or even in our workplace relationship, if you let it go and say, Oh, maybe she had a bad day and that's how she treated me… And then she did it again... That's why journaling is a key… To a lot of my clients, I tell them to do journaling because then you can pick up on behaviors of yourself. And if you see that you're finding this happening at work and you're finding this happening at home and you're finding this happening with your friends… there's something that you are doing, or you are accepting that is not good for you… because that's the energy that you're bringing in. And that's what you're going to always get. So this is where we come in through therapy and try to break those patterns so that you can see… okay, no, I'm going to speak up in this matter, because this matter is important to me. And I didn't like that treatment because I shouldn't be treated that way, right… 

SAMIA: Yeah. Well, I love the journaling tip. I actually, love journaling too… and I think that was one of those things that helped me also see the pattern… because I realized one day… like, I was, like, flipping through my own journal. And so I was like reading through, like, literally years worth of entries. And I realized that I kept talking about the same things… like the same problems that seem to keep happening in my life. And particularly in the context of unhealthy relationships and patterns in my relationships… because I'm also a survivor of abuse… a different form of abuse... I was sexually abused… But, you know, it's like, you know, so I developed certain patterns in my context... And looking through my journal is one of the ways that I realized… oh, my gosh, these same problems coming up in my life… and it's like, literally... literally years, years worth of that happening over and over again, and not realizing it until I looked through my own journal.

SUZY: It's so true, it's things that we don't pay attention to… And it's so natural to us, that we don't know that we're doing it. It's like how we communicate to people. Some people are assertive, I am not as assertive as I would like to be. I would love to be more assertive... That's my... I'm a kind heart. And I treat everyone equally. But there are other people that like to belittle you and make you feel disempowered. And I'm sorry to say it's mostly men… Men cannot understand women are getting to that level of thumb… that they need to be arrogant, and they need to make you feel powerless. And that's where you as a woman need to come in and say, "No, I'm at the same level as you. I'm a leader. I'm an owner of a magazine. I'm this… and I don't care if I'm a woman. I’m equal to you. And you can talk down to me, but you know what, I'm not putting up with that." And that's when you get them. And that's when they say, shoot, you know what, I'm tackling with a different style of woman… that it's not the 20th century anymore, that we have a voice. And that's what I want to empower women with. 

SAMIA: Yeah, because a lot of times it is about what people think they can get away with that, you know… and how you get stuck in an abusive relationship, it's because, again, with an abusive relationship, it's not about a one-time incident. It's like a pattern of behavior that repeats. And so, usually, like we said, it starts out with some, like, relatively mild kind of seeming incidents… but in so far as you let the unhealthy behavior slide, and so then the person either consciously or unconsciously gets the message that when they are manipulative in certain ways, or they, you know, are… like, if they create drama, for example… I mean, this is one of the strategies that I know I fell for a lot was that, you know, somebody would create drama in terms of start to, you know, raise their voice and, you know, just seem like they're getting angry or this or that... And for me, you know, as a survivor of abuse, I was very, very sensitive to any kind of emotional upheaval. I could not handle my own emotions. I just didn't have the capacity. And so for me, I was like, I don't want any drama in my life. And so when somebody started to create drama, my reaction was either to run away, right away… or to do what I could to calm that person and therefore the situation down, so that they didn't get heated up, and then I didn't get heated up, you know, and/or feel other kinds of intense emotion… because I couldn't literally... I could, I didn't know how to handle on my own emotions. And so in my quest to avoid drama, you know, I would put up with a lie in terms of just trying to calm the person down… it's like fine, you take whatever you want, do whatever you want, just stop with the drama. And so consciously or unconsciously, what that teaches the other person is that… if I create some drama, then this person listens to me. And so the next time they want you to do something that you're not immediately hopping to do for them, then they start to create drama again. And if the previous level of drama doesn't do the job, they will up-level it and create a little bit more drama, you know. And so it's just sort of like… that I think is part of how I've experienced getting stuck in…

SUZY: ..its funny because it starts as a child. As a baby... if a baby is crying, they cry harder for more attention. So if you treat humans… if you look the correlation of it, it's the same aspect that, the more they know your trigger point, that's where they're going to push it on... And that's where you need to find your empowerment and say… Okay, this person's trying to push my button in this… in conversation. I'm not going to take it to that tone. I don't need to get aggressive like them. They can take their aggressive I have a happy, happy mode of myself and I have this positive of myself... I'm not going to get to their level. So if they want to stay their level, they can do that. Hopefully, they get training for improving themselves… because at the end of the day, people don't want to hang around negative people, that's negativity, right... So you want to hang around positivity. Positive vibes, positive energy... You don't want to associate with the negative energy of a person. Because, at the end of the day, they'll be lonely on their own. And Leadership… leadership has to change because even if you're a higher... well, higher level, let's say… if you're higher level, you should have the more education in dealing with different type of characteristics. You should not be belittling anyone…

SAMIA:  Yes.

SUZY:  You should be encouraging people. You should be motivating people... That's why you're in a leadership role. You are to inspire others to become better than you as a leader… and you want to inspire a work place to be happy to come in. So the people that work in that company will want to give their 100%, that will not be giving their 20% because they dread coming to work… or give 10% because they hate their leadership. Like, this is where that has to end, you know, that we're all equal. And if you see the higher rates of the companies that are growing and being positive, are the ones that don't have that hierarchy and saying, I'm a leader… no, we're all in this together. We are a family of a company. We all want it to grow together. We benefit if we grow... And that's where I see that changing, hopefully, in the future…

SAMIA: Yes, yes... that in the context of the workplace and same thing in our relationships… and, my, gosh... And you know, sometimes I think also just in context of empowering ourselves, like, sometimes you know, we can think about, "Okay, well, I've accomplished this. I've accomplished that and therefore I'm worthy," …but sometimes like what if you haven't... Or you can't think of something that you have accomplished because that happens… because, you know, like and sometimes even if you have accomplished a lot, because of like, especially, for like kids who may have grown up in an abusive context, in abusive families, they get so used to being belittled and devalued, that even if they have all kinds of amazing accomplishments, they don't think they have done anything worth being proud of, of themselves... And so in that kind of a situation, how do you, like, respond or encourage somebody to nonetheless realize that they are worthy and deserving, and…

SUZY: ...I think starting your day with gratitude... I think we should all be grateful for what we are and what we have. We may not be perfect, and no one is perfect, right… But we should say, "Thank God, I can see, I can eat, I can smell, I can walk, I have two hands to touch, and I have a smile to say hello." I think a lot of people take for granted those little things that really make a big component of your life… because if you start your day off in a positive way, your full date continues to be positive. If you start yourself off as a negative, "Oh, I'm not worthy... Yes, I have accomplishments but that person has more accomplishments..." But you're already giving that negative energy to yourself, therefore, you're not giving yourself that self-worth of… I am an amazing person, I am a powerful person... I've accomplished this… not just education wise but I've accomplished to help this lady across the street, or I help this lady pick up her groceries, or I helped this homeless person buy groceries today… like, those are things that fill you up so much more than being physically beautiful because that is that comes and goes, right... You can be beautiful outside… but it's inner core that makes you to fulfill the happiness, the complete happiness of life... And I think we put it on this Earth for a reason. I didn't understand it until I did my book... I wrote down my full story and I didn't know why I got into empowering women. I didn't know why I got into the clothing line… because there was a time I was through my abuse, I did I love getting dressed up. I'm a fashionista, I've always been in the corporate world... I was always like, I had co-workers come and see what I was going to wear and it was like my passion project already.

SAMIA: Yeah. 

SUZY: So there I knew I had a niche… and I think everyone has a niche in something that they can follow their dreams in. And that's where you need to find out, why we were put on this Earth… And I know everyone is put on this Earth for a reason.

SAMIA: Yes. 

SUZY: Yeah.

SAMIA: Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much for sharing that Suzy… and ahh, I want to keep talking, and we're running out of time for today... So I'm gonna have to start wrapping up... But do you have any last words, any, anything else that you would like to share for today?

SUZY: I would... I… please look at my book. I'm gonna give it again... It's “Empowered In Heels”... just remember that, okay. If you want some type of motivation for today take that in hand… Also breathe... Learn how to breathe… We don't breathe as much… With COVID we had a mask and our lungs have gotten smaller. So if you can take 10 deep breaths and meditate and start your day by giving yourself gratitude, and say… "I love myself" …that is a big step to the door to you to becoming successful, because everyone can be a success. And it doesn't mean that you have to be a movie star, it doesn't mean you have to be… you have to be in the news.... it's just loving yourself. And that projection of loving yourself ignites to other people and it's contagious... So when you're kind to one, that person wants to be kind to the other… and that's what I want for our world to come... I want us all to do that to our kids, to our family, to anyone you meet. We are all equal... It doesn't matter what race, what nationality… we're in this world to be united. So remember that. That's my message today…

SAMIA: Oh... I love it.

SUZY: Thank you.

SAMIA: Thank you so much, Suzy. And to all of you who are listening, please remember… make sure to check the show notes because we will be dropping Suzy's links in there, including the link to her book, so you can check it out from there... And yeah, I think until we connect next time, I just wish you lots and lots of peace and joy. 🙂